To not know what to do about Social services anymore!

[UndertheCedartree]

I had a breakdown a couple of years ago and SS became involved with my children. They were put on the Child in Need register. From the beginning I was very open and compliant and initially found them helpful and supportive.
About 6 months later I met my boyfriend and told the social worker who said they would need to do a background check which was no problem. So I thought the background check had been done but a year later I suddenly get told that they have just completed the background check and they need to do a risk assessment. While that is completed he mustn't be alone with the children.
We were a bit annoyed that it was completed so late and that it would disrupt the children's routine as my boyfriend picked them up/dropped them and looked after them for a bit every week. But we sorted that out and the SW said thаt it would be completed in a few weeks.
So we waited patiently but then the SW went off sick and a new SW was allocated to our family. She made the decision that my boyfriend couldn't be around the children atall while the risk assessment was completed (she had never met us at this point and has never told me the reason for this.)
Deadline after deadline has been agreed and each time I'm told we will definitely get the result of the risk assessment but it never happens. It has been 6 months now. When it was meant to be completed in a few weeks. It has caused me a lot of upset as I want to be able to spend time together with my children and boyfriend. My children have also been upset as they'd formed a bond with him and they really notice he's not there at special occasions.
Anyway a month ago the SW told me the report was complete and she would discuss it with me at the next Child in need meeting. I begged her to tell me the result on the phone but she wouldn't. (I have no worries about the result as all the professionals have said there is no problem with him being around/looking after the children. Also my SW has said the result will definitely be positive)
She didn't turn up at the meeting and I was told by the duty SW that I would be told the result within a week. That came and went. So now our SW has gone off sick and we have yet another allocated to our case (our 6th). I spoke to her on the phone and asked her to give me the results of the risk assessment. She told me she would need to complete her own enquiries starting with an appointment with my boyfriend.

I really just want to scream! I feel I just can't take it anymore. We all need/want him to be with us. They have taken my support away. They were meant to be helping but they have just made things worse. My relationship with SS has completely broken down now. I just don't know what to say anymore to put across how harmful this is to me and my children.

Lellikelly26 - I don't know if you've read properly but I already know why they are doing a risk assessment - because he has mental health problems so it's standard practice to do a risk assessment. He is completely stable now and his psychiatrist and other professionals have said there is no problem with him being around my children. If there was risk to my children they would be on a child protection plan. I don't know where you get the idea that my boyfriend is a sex offender from the information given??? A bit of a leap I feel. And yes my children are always my top priority and their welfare is of most importance to me. I have done nothing to not protect them

'And yes my children are always my top priority and their welfare is of most importance to me. I have done nothing to not protect them'

Come on OP, you have introduced the DC you only see at weekends to a new boyfriend with serious MH problems. You then very moved to letting him pick up the DC unaccompanied without checking his past history.

That is interesting behaviour but it is most certainly not putting your children as top priority.

You then very moved to letting him pick up the DC unaccompanied without checking his past history. Instead of their dad(who is their main carer) so he must've approved of the decision too. There are too adults involved in the decision making here alongside professionals.

Instead of their dad(who is their main carer) so he must've approved of the decision too. There are too adults involved in the decision making here alongside professionals.

How many times do Mumsnetters tell posters that you don’t have the right to say what goes on when the other parent (if split) has the children?

Except if was in Dad's time. On fridays OP wouldn't even be home from the hospital at school pick up time.

@georgiatrotsmanparachute - they were introduced to my boyfriend when I was at home and seeing them everday. He was stable then and now. Just because someone has had a mental illness doesn't make them a danger. I think you are being very prejudiced to suggest that. It was then agreed at the social services 'family conference' which their father was at too that he would pick up the children. Social services agreed that and they had also led me to believe they had done a background check. I was quite unwell so I allowed SS to guide me as to what was best for the children more so than I would now. But at the time yes, I absolutely did my best to put my children first. You don't seem to be reading what I have written about the situation

Thank you @sarcasmisdripping. Posters are putting all the responsibility for these decisions on me rather than the professionals involved and of course the children's father.

@undertheCedartree, they are your children so of course the responsibility for making the decisions lies with you! Unless that responsibility is removed, which a CIN plan doesn’t do!

@klj29 - it is equally their father's responsibility and surely SS hold some responsibility for encouraging certain decisions to a mentally unwell mother? It's funny how many posters are imploring me to listen to SS but yet on the other hand if I do listen to them I'm in the wrong too!

It is equally their father's responsibility and surely SS hold some responsibility

Sorry OP, the responsibility ultimately lies with you. You are the mother. It sounds as though you’re in a tricky situation and trying to deflect the blame elsewhere. Make your life easier and forget about this man. He’s a complication you do not need. Your focus should be your own mental health and your children.

He was stable then and now. Just because someone has had a mental illness doesn't make them a danger. I think you are being very prejudiced to suggest that.

No, clearly a mental illness doesn’t necessarily make someone a danger to others, not at all. But that doesn’t mean they’re capable of having sole responsibility for a young child.

My DB wouldn’t, not in a million years. Whereas others with MH issues make great parents.

rying to deflect the blame elsewhere

She's not . I'm the one that mentioned the dad (who has just as much responsibility,actually more now that he's main carer) in response to another comment.

And while i agree that the timeline is a red flag,and the boyfriend's mental health an unnecessary complication I don't think that at the present OP is neglecting or endangering her children, or that she is unreasonable for wanting a straightforward answer from SS.

@YourSarcasmIsDripping

I didn’t read properly then! Sorry about that

Just reading this thread and I'm rather shocked at the speed of relationship/involvement with DC. OP was in need of SW support yet despite her health concerns meet a new bf also with MH needs and let's him into her DC life when the priority should be getting in a place to have her DC back but no let's get a bf and prioritise him. Sorry but all comes across as selfish.

I’m a bit confused about the “impartial chair” of the CIN meetings. There won’t be an impartial chair of meetings at that level - those (Independent Reviewing Officers) only deal with child protection conferences or Looked After Child reviews. CIN meetings are usually chaired by the allocated social worker, or on occasion their team manager.

OP is still in hospital I don't think it's fair to call her selfish and make various assumptions about things we know little about. The children are OPs responsibility but this is shared with their dad who is currently the primary carer, Op had a family conference , a plan was put into place , then new social worker said no contact with her partner which she has done and it is no longer happening.

They have impartial chairs at family group conferences.

Plus Op said there was a child protection conference and all members decided a CP plan wasn't necessary, there would have been an impartial chair there too.

Sorry but all comes across as selfish

As much as I agree it was selfish for both thr op and the children's father to use this man in this way to do drop offs and pick ups, ido find it odd that social services agreed to it and apparantly encouraged it.

That's a major failing right there, he was simply some random, and that's before this mans history and his personality disorders are taken into account. Did they not know how they met? Even without training you wouldn't encourage that.

I do wonder if social services would agree with the ops summary of what occurred to be honest. If they did there should be an enquiry and that's a huge failing and they put these kids at risk.

I'm a bit about how in one breath, your BF helps you and spends time with the kids.... in the next you're 'devoting your entire weekend to your kids'. You're not, not if your BF is 'supporting / helping / picking up your child(ren)'.

The feet dragging is shit and you should complain but the fact that the SW wouldn't discuss the matter in the phone would be ringing massive alarm bells for me and I'd want to get to the bottom of it, pronto. That would mean emailing a manager, even someone quite senior if I wasn't getting anywhere

about how in one breath, your BF helps you and spends time with the kids.... in the next you're 'devoting your entire weekend to your kids'.

Even if he was and OP was spending all her time with him(possibly not going by what she says) he hasn't been ever since SS have said he can't be . It might even be why the one social worker said no contact, to reduce exposure and give OP time to function on her own with the kids,have a relationship with them,not use the bf as a crutch and be over reliant on him. She needs to get better and be able to parent properly on her own and with her own coping mechanism as the bf could relapse or move on .

OP I haven't caught up with all the responses in the thread, I have seen a few comments about what you have shared elsewhere, I would still recommend asking for a meeting with the team manager and asking for the plan to be reviewed in respect of the time scale, and for your complaint about the changing goal posts (with the different social workers) to be considered. If you're calm about it and differentiate between that and the concerns you accept it shouldn't count against you.

Re the RA ; there's a lot of posters on here who don't seem to know what it means - it's not a binary decision about whether someone is a risk or not. There are some risks that are just too great to manage, as you're aware, and which childrens services would tell you - eg someone with a history of child abuse. But for other factors, like a partner with mental health issues, a risk assessment should be a balanced view about the risks and possible benefits to the children (obvious point - if he is good for your mental health that's a potential positive, if he can be part of your support network, even in a limited fashion, that's a positive). The purpose of the RA should be to support you with a plan about how to manage those risks so that you get the positive benefit and not a negative impact to the children.

It does sound from what I've read that social workers have some genuine concerns so I would encourage you to work with them, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept a poor service without redress.

@theCedertree I can’t help but feel that your reply still looks to remove the responsibility from yourself, when it is you who has chosen to introduce your new bf to your children, to encourage him to have an active role in their lives, knowing full well that you have only known him a short amount of time, knowing that he has mental health issues.
Whilst Social Services ‘have encouraged his involvement’ according to yourself, you as the mother of the children still have the responsibility of putting your children first!
If your timescales are correct, then yes, Social Services are in the wrong for not dealing with this situation in a timely manner. However, this does not detract from you, as a Mother, introducing a stranger to your children and allowing him to take on a caring role.

when it is you who has chosen to introduce your new bf to your children, to encourage him to have an active role in their lives, knowing full well that you have only known him a short amount of time, knowing that he has mental health issues

The op was/possibly still is incredibly mentally unwell,

..people don’t go into psychiatric units because they’re able to make rational and sensible choices.

Knowing how unwell the op was I’d say the greater responsibility lies with the father and SS. You cannot expect anyone so unwell to make sensible decisions. The op shouldn’t have even had the opportunity to have started a relationship when so unwell and being treated in hospital.