To not know what to do about Social services anymore!

[UndertheCedartree]

I had a breakdown a couple of years ago and SS became involved with my children. They were put on the Child in Need register. From the beginning I was very open and compliant and initially found them helpful and supportive.
About 6 months later I met my boyfriend and told the social worker who said they would need to do a background check which was no problem. So I thought the background check had been done but a year later I suddenly get told that they have just completed the background check and they need to do a risk assessment. While that is completed he mustn't be alone with the children.
We were a bit annoyed that it was completed so late and that it would disrupt the children's routine as my boyfriend picked them up/dropped them and looked after them for a bit every week. But we sorted that out and the SW said thаt it would be completed in a few weeks.
So we waited patiently but then the SW went off sick and a new SW was allocated to our family. She made the decision that my boyfriend couldn't be around the children atall while the risk assessment was completed (she had never met us at this point and has never told me the reason for this.)
Deadline after deadline has been agreed and each time I'm told we will definitely get the result of the risk assessment but it never happens. It has been 6 months now. When it was meant to be completed in a few weeks. It has caused me a lot of upset as I want to be able to spend time together with my children and boyfriend. My children have also been upset as they'd formed a bond with him and they really notice he's not there at special occasions.
Anyway a month ago the SW told me the report was complete and she would discuss it with me at the next Child in need meeting. I begged her to tell me the result on the phone but she wouldn't. (I have no worries about the result as all the professionals have said there is no problem with him being around/looking after the children. Also my SW has said the result will definitely be positive)
She didn't turn up at the meeting and I was told by the duty SW that I would be told the result within a week. That came and went. So now our SW has gone off sick and we have yet another allocated to our case (our 6th). I spoke to her on the phone and asked her to give me the results of the risk assessment. She told me she would need to complete her own enquiries starting with an appointment with my boyfriend.

I really just want to scream! I feel I just can't take it anymore. We all need/want him to be with us. They have taken my support away. They were meant to be helping but they have just made things worse. My relationship with SS has completely broken down now. I just don't know what to say anymore to put across how harmful this is to me and my children.

"Also "man helps with childcare of partners kids" isnt a red flag in itself either. Nobody would bat an eyelid if a woman did childcare for a newish boyfriends kids and as we all know that happens a lot."

I would.

My neighbour's did this. Woman living on her own (with no dc) met her dp at Christmas 2017. Within 3 months he was living with her and straight away his kids are visiting and staying over night.

Sometimes I bump into him outside and he stands there slagging off his ex (his dcs mum) and says of the "lovely things" my neighbour does with them when she's looking after them. This was the summer of 2018 so they had been together a really short time.

Then one day his DC were playing outside and his 5 year old dd said to him whilst I was there "I'd like it if you and mummy were together and my mummy's [insert new boyfriends name] and your girlfriend [insert her name] where together. " In her little innocent brain she wanted her parents together and the new partners to be together because that's her logic.

You could see she was confused but her selfish father had not only moved in to the new girlfriends place within months but his DC were staying over and the new gf was looking after them!

Not sure where the gin bottles came from 🤔

Also "man helps with childcare of partners kids" isnt a red flag in itself either.

Vulnerable woman. Children subject to CIN. New man introduced quickly and taking on responsibility for children? Of course it's a red flag.

It is sad to see how many people on here who have had bad experiences with Social Services. This is not good at all. There are people who hold back from reporting on Children and Vulnerable Adults because of bad experiences.
I have had some crazy experiences with Social Services they persistently got everything so wrong and showed no brains at all in the statements they said or wrote.
My thoughts are that perhaps they want to keep OP's new man off the scene because a woman alone is easier to control than a couple.
I would love to daub in the male Social Worker who gave me some porno material as well as some innocent stuff. He asked if I had ever seen porno and gave me this material when I said I had never seen any. He was also drinking tea in my house when supposed to be working. When a crisis happened he could not deal with a male criminal.
Social Services would not be talked about like this by so many people from lotd of different areas if it was not factual

My thoughts are that perhaps they want to keep OP's new man off the scene because a woman alone is easier to control than a couple.

Really? You genuinely think this is the motivation?

@freshstartnewme I would not rule it out. I have already stated that I have seen some crazy stuff from SS.

"Nobody would bat an eyelid if a woman did childcare for a newish boyfriends kids and as we all know that happens a lot"

That's a red flag too imo? As is wanting to introduce the kids to me after too short a time (less than a year? But with some guys it's totally riddiculous, 3 weeks in etc).

If a guy I was dating mentioned doing this in previous relationships, or asked me, I would give him the number of a child minder I know, then run a mile. I wouldn't mind helping out a long term dp with childcare the odd time, or in an emergency. I like to think I'd even try to ininiate some fun time together. But not when I barely know the guy himself yet. If my ex did this, I'd be pissed off (took ds to spend time with him, only to leave him with a strange woman for most of that time. I'd rather have him here with me!).

I know there are massive failings within SS. I know they have not done enough in many cases, but they are not all bad. They also do a hell of a lot of good. The problem with threads about SS is it encourages people who have had a bad deal from them to give their side, whereas people who have been helped by them have no reason to rant.

The thing that worries me the most is that despite all the facts OP has given, so many people are seeing the fault with SS and are totally blinded to the risk of the man.

It is so worrying that a vulnerable woman, who's children are known to SS, is being told how crap SS are and that it must be their fault and no one else's. The only fault here seems to be the timeline, the fact the this man isn't allowed to see the children at all should be enough for people to realise he doesn't just have form for stealing a mars bar!

Vulnerable woman. Children subject to CIN. New man introduced quickly and taking on responsibility for children? Of course it's a red flag.
This
Also "man helps with childcare of partners kids" isnt a red flag in itself either. Nobody would bat an eyelid if a woman did childcare for a newish boyfriends kids and as we all know that happens a lot."
New partner heavily involved in children's life very quickly into a new relationship and on an intense enough level that the children have formed a strong bond in a few weeks is a concern regardless of who the parent is.

Add in the parent being vulnerable, social services being involved and that is absolutely a concern.

Make a list of dates when they were supposed to progress things and failed to do so.

Make a note when they wasted your time.

Get things in writing as much as possible and potentially record them.

Complain, complain, complain! Funnily how the child is no longer at risk if the parents complain.

And use Sarah's and Claire's laws as either way you'll know what you need to do.

Stillme1

That's disgusting and awful. I can see why you wouldn't report though.

People can be bad. Priests, social workers, foster parents, police officers, judges etc, are all just people, at the end of the day. No matter how good policies etc are, human nature is a big factor in everything people do.

We know now that abusers often seek positions of authority, or ways to access vulnerable people. We have so much evidence now of historical institutional abuse. I can see why people mistrust SS. I do too, to an extent. They have so much power over our children, more than we do as parents. I've had involvement with them on and off over the years, and have met some erm, interesting, characters, as a result.

I hope you get some answers soon op, and remember only fools rush in, even if you can't help falling in love. You have the rest of your life, years and years to be happy with this bloke, if everything comes back clear, it doesn't have to be now or never.

My thoughts are that perhaps they want to keep OP's new man off the scene because a woman alone is easier to control than a couple.

What control when the actual issue here is the workers having minimal contact and info sharing with the OP?

If anything they've been too lax (probably due to being underfunded,overworked and possibly in a high risk deprived area) rather than controlling.

I recall you from a previous thread

SS are absolutely correct in their heavy involvement.

You are receiving extensive treatment for your mental health (in patient hospital stay from Sunday to Friday), so you are only with your children over the weekend and this has been the case for the last 9 months and you say you don’t envisage longer than another 9 months.

And then you posted this last year

* I have recently started a new relationship with a man who has mental health problems including personality disorder the same as me. In general things have gone well but we can both be volatile at times, we have triggers*

I just hope SS remaining as involved as they are

Plus you’re lying about the timeline

You say a “couple of years ago” you contacted SS and then 6 months later you met this man.

However less than 11 months ago you posted. I have recently started a new relationship with a man who has mental health problems

so why do we not give him the benefit of the doubt rather than going "well, they did a risk assessment therefore there has to be something

This is sickening.

Because the benefit of the doubt puts children at risk.

My thoughts are that perhaps they want to keep OP's new man off the scene because a woman alone is easier to control than a couple.

I’m not sure I agree. A SW told me that I SHOULD contact my violent mentally unwell ex and ask him to have contact with our children (he is absent through choice anyway) because it was “in my children’s best interest”

Complain, complain, complain! Funnily how the child is no longer at risk if the parents complain.

I don't understand this?

Did you meet the man whilst in hospital op? I can see why ss are concerned.

Because the benefit of the doubt puts children at risk

So does ss taking so long to actually do anything though surely?

Op I also had my memory jogged by your username, so did an advanced search. I commented on your last thread, and still stand by my comment and think you’re absolutely doing the right thing by your children in seeking treatment, even if you’re then away sun-fri.

But.

You have said yourself that you have a personality disorder and are getting residential treatment for this. Your boyfriend also has mental health problems, issues with home address etc etc. You said volatile in one of your posts. Also you are home at weekends with your kids, which is really precious time as you can’t be with them mid-week, and somehow fitting in this guy despite him being banned from being around the kids. How does this happen?

Your children are quite rightly under the gaze of SS, and they wouldn’t be doing their jobs properly without keeping a very close eye on the situation. The competency of SS in this situation is a bit of a red herring IMO. I don’t think it’s right they’ve taken so long, but they’ve said he should not be around your kids, and expect you to follow that, so pp are saying they should hurry up as the kids could be in danger - well not if OP does as they’ve directed and keeps him away from them. We don’t know the full story, but they’ve said your bf should have ZERO contact with your children. None at all. Not no unsupervised, but zero. Now that could be an oversight, that could be wrong. But why is it more likely that SS are wrong, than it is that you are not making good decisions about relationships? You’ve said yourself that you have issues with relationships, you’ve also mentioned in previous thread you new boyfriend’s MH problems, history of yours and his abuse during childhood. Your 12yo son has emotional problems, not at school, and newly diagnosed ASD.

Please don’t take this as criticism OP. That’s not the intention at all. It’s me just highliting why all of this looks a certain way to SS. I know you’re seeking treatment, I think you’re doing the best for your kids and your relationship with exDH seems really focused on the children too. I think you’re doing a lot of things right. But this relationship. Do you really think that if your condition is severe enough to be hospitalised away from your children, which is not something that happens lightly - that you are definitely in the right frame of mind to be making good choices in a partner?

FWIW my dad had a BPD so I’m not unfamiliar, I also now work closely with SS but different department, and I have a son with autism. So I get it. SS can be overrun, some SWs are absolute arseholes. There is incompetence and human error and all sorts of stuff that can go wrong in these big institutions. I would never say that SS can’t be wrong, because I know that they can be. I’ve seen the NHS get things wrong, the council, CAMHS. The lot. They get things very wrong sometimes. I just think that looking at the history of this case - even just the MN snapshot - it doesn’t really feel like SS is the main problem. I the way they’re handling it is poor, but they’re right to ban your bf from seeing your kids until they’ve worked out what’s what.

Does he still see the children, despite SS warning?

So does ss taking so long to actually do anything though surely?

But they have done something. They have stopped contact between the man and the children. What has happened next is taking far too long of course, but SS haven't sat back and done nothing. Unfortunately they are giving the relationship time to develop further, which in a vulnerable person isn't acceptable at all.

It jumps out the new boyfriend doing drop-off and pick-up of your children. If you only have them at weekends right now then surely they stay with you during that time, it isn't fair to let the boyfriend take up the small amount of time you have with your children even if he posed no risk at all. In case you come back to the thread OP, it would be useful to do the police checks, just in case. Even if the issues are related purely to his mental health and yours then I can see why it would take time for social workers to do the risk assessment and it sounds like you will need some help thinking about how to ensure the children are safe despite triggers. The boyfriend has only been around for 11 months, just cool it right down and see him during the week when you aren't with the children, then escalate to social services that someone needs to help you.

Op, how did you meet your boyfriend, and how/where do you see him? If you're with the kids at rhe weekend and hospitalised during the week, when and where do you see him?

Did you meet him in hospital? Is he still there with you? And also only allowed out at weekends, hence why you wish to spend that time together?

Right now you need to focus on you, the weekends with the kids, on your own, and do what social services say and not allow this man any contact at all with them.

@Cheby - And if there is an issue, why the fuck has it taken them years (12 months to start the process and so far at least another 6 to give her the results) It hasn't been years. She has known his less than 2years,
had a breakdown a couple of years ago was very open and compliant and initially found them helpful and supportive ...bout 6 months later I met my boyfriend So I have no idea where you get "years" from.

Google his name op!

Also ask around his friends/family, get to know him whilst you're waiting for as.