To not know what to do about Social services anymore!

[UndertheCedartree]

I had a breakdown a couple of years ago and SS became involved with my children. They were put on the Child in Need register. From the beginning I was very open and compliant and initially found them helpful and supportive.
About 6 months later I met my boyfriend and told the social worker who said they would need to do a background check which was no problem. So I thought the background check had been done but a year later I suddenly get told that they have just completed the background check and they need to do a risk assessment. While that is completed he mustn't be alone with the children.
We were a bit annoyed that it was completed so late and that it would disrupt the children's routine as my boyfriend picked them up/dropped them and looked after them for a bit every week. But we sorted that out and the SW said thаt it would be completed in a few weeks.
So we waited patiently but then the SW went off sick and a new SW was allocated to our family. She made the decision that my boyfriend couldn't be around the children atall while the risk assessment was completed (she had never met us at this point and has never told me the reason for this.)
Deadline after deadline has been agreed and each time I'm told we will definitely get the result of the risk assessment but it never happens. It has been 6 months now. When it was meant to be completed in a few weeks. It has caused me a lot of upset as I want to be able to spend time together with my children and boyfriend. My children have also been upset as they'd formed a bond with him and they really notice he's not there at special occasions.
Anyway a month ago the SW told me the report was complete and she would discuss it with me at the next Child in need meeting. I begged her to tell me the result on the phone but she wouldn't. (I have no worries about the result as all the professionals have said there is no problem with him being around/looking after the children. Also my SW has said the result will definitely be positive)
She didn't turn up at the meeting and I was told by the duty SW that I would be told the result within a week. That came and went. So now our SW has gone off sick and we have yet another allocated to our case (our 6th). I spoke to her on the phone and asked her to give me the results of the risk assessment. She told me she would need to complete her own enquiries starting with an appointment with my boyfriend.

I really just want to scream! I feel I just can't take it anymore. We all need/want him to be with us. They have taken my support away. They were meant to be helping but they have just made things worse. My relationship with SS has completely broken down now. I just don't know what to say anymore to put across how harmful this is to me and my children.

OP - contrary to what some PP have said, to me it comes across as you very much have your children's best interests at heart as in you are engaging with services but are rightly so frustrated at the time it's taking SS to bring this to a conclusion.

You come across as very articulate and no, you can't post your whole life story in an OP.

Some PP have vilified your partner with 'no smoke without fire'. Rubbish. SS often mess up. Rightly so, they have concerns about your BF's MH and history, so very wrong is how long they are taking to remedy this. In the meantime, your life is on hold.

MH is so stigmatised STILL in society, this thread is tantamount to that as in your BH is compliant with his meds, needs some support getting back to 'the real world' and isn't viewed as a risk by his psychiatrist.

It's not ideal how quickly he was introduced to your children but you acknowledge that. I wish you the very best and a happy future.

To answer your OP? Take it to the head of SS - it's appalling how long it's taken to provide you with an answer.

With your current situation, I think the best way you can deal with SS is to follow their lead.
I don't think two people meeting falling in love in a psychiatrist ward is a good idea, you are both to deal with your issues.
Depending on his diagnosis and previous admissions, I can see why SS are concerned.
Is it really a good time to start any relationship, focus on yourself and your DC, this is taking up lots of headspace the space you need to get better.

@rinketydinketydoo - thank you so much. It feels good someone understanding. I have been quite upset by the suggestion that my BF is no good just because SS are doing a risk assessment. And that I am not putting my children first because of the relationship. Thank you for your comments and the advice re:SS.

exactly what Rinkety has said. Take the good advice from pps regarding ss and make a complaint. It’s not acceptable for the process to take this long.

When you complain do it via email. That way theres a paper chain.

Is your inpatient unit NHS or private? Do you not have a MH social worker who can support you with this?

The risk assessment is standard for new partners and anyone involved really Bluntness. My son met a girl who’s little boy was on the child protection register. She was living in a mother and baby placement.

We got to know her and offered a home with us. All of my family had to be police and health checked. Then a risk assessment undertaken. None of us have ever been in trouble or had dealings with SS. Needless to say it all went fine and a year on all is good. Little boy has been lowered to CIN and new baby not on register at all.

It’s not normal for these delays though and OP has been let down horribly by a service that is supposed to support her.

Oh and further to the risk assessment it was written in a letter that the little boy must not be left alone with us until all assessments completed.

wishingforapositiveyear - it is private. I have a SW here but she is as frustrared as I am. The SW never answers her calls or rreplies to emails

OP I can see from your posting history that you have form for posing questions without providing sufficient context about your rather unique situation to allow any useful advice to be given.

Here you are again, not listening to anyone who doesn't agree with you and rather dangerously enjoying the attention from those suggesting you complain.

There will be much more to this than the scant information you have provided. Be careful how you proceed, make sure you discuss this with someone in RL who actually knows the situation in full before you do anything.

@wishingforapositiveyear

@georgiatrotmansparachute - I was looking for advice about how to deal with SS and lots of posters have given me that advice without knowing all the ins and outs. My OP was long enough as it was - I can't really write an essay everytime I want to ask something. The fact is lots of people want to jump in to make comments about my boyfriend when that wasn't what I was asking about. In the other thread you are refering to I was also given useful advice.

In terms of not listening to anyone who disagrees - it's not that I'm not listening to the judgements and assumptions made about my boyfriend but they are not based on fact nor are they answering my question. As for 'enjoying the attention of those telling me to complain' - hardly. I don't enjoy anything about this situation. However those are the posters that are actually answering my OP. And they're not the only ones telling me to complain - the duty social workers say so too aswell as the impartial chair at the CIN meetings.

I know this isn't the done thing on MN and usually I would agree, but the posters encouraging OP with this course of action need to read the threads about the BF she has posted.

I know everyone likes to dismiss SS but sometimes there are very genuine reasons for their involvement and this is one of them IMO.

OP I hope you carry on getting the support you need

Thank you @peoniesarepink. Unfortunately SS aren't really giving me the support I need. Not giving me the answer to the risk assessment doesn't help me. I am planning on making a complaint as the proffesionals have encoraged me to do so. But I will do this after the results of the risk assessment have been given to me. I was just looking on advice as to how to deal with SS as I am struggling with that and I've been given lots of useful information, in that regard. It wouldn't serve anyone if I get to the point where SS withdraw (once I'm discharged) and I still haven't been given the result.

As regard previous posts - I'll be honest - I can't remember everything I've posted. I was pretty unwell and a lot more unstable before which affected my relationship a lot. But through therapy I'm loads better and my relationship is in a really good place now.

Just hoping the new SW is good and will give me the support I need.

Why do you need to be a relationship so soon. It isn't good for you while you are getting better, plus he is also unwell.
Your DC have been through so much, I get we all have needs to fulfil, at this point in your life you need to focus on yourself and the DC.

You said in a previous thread that he was volatile.

@emeraldshamrock - I don't need to be in a relationship but it has proved to be a very positive thing or I would end it. He does give me a lot of support and it has meant being able to take the children on days out that I would have been too anxious to do on my own. He isn't unwell - he is completely stable now.

However, I do understand what you are saying and looking at it now I realise things moved too fast. This was because of circumstances and if I'd not been unwell I would have taken it slower. SS were very keen for us to show what support we had, though and encouraged everyone at the 'family conference' to take on some responsibility. I'm definitely going to take it slower from now on.

And my focus is and always has been on my children. They come first at all times. They responded really well to being around my boyfriend to the point my parents commented how much more confident they seemed since having his involvement. But obviously they don't see him any more - although they do sometimes speak to him on the phone and say they miss him.

My partner was a social worker until very recently, so I asked her for a bit of help on this, she said:

1. A Child in Need plan is made with your consent. You can choose to withdraw your consent at any time. To carry out background checks SS would typically get information from the police, your boyfriend’s GP and any other local authority children's services department (if he has other children/has lived with other children). As Child in Need is with consent, you/he could have refused consent for any/all parts of the above. If they have told you that they have to do background checks as a result of you having a new boyfriend, they haven't phrased it very clearly.

1. It shouldn't take more than a month for SS to get the information. If there was anything concerning they should have acted and informed him immediately (roughly a week) unless it was unsafe to do so, in which case they should have informed you (similarly roughly a week).

1. You can go directly to the police to get information about his criminal record (if any) under Clare's Law. Given the way they are acting, it is likely that something has shown up, not to say that this is necessarily major or a reason to stop contact. You will be to use this information to make your own assessment of what contact is appropriate between your boyfriend and your children

1. In your position, she would tell the social worker:

"If you have information that I need to know to keep my children safe, then not telling me is negligent. Unless you tell me otherwise in the next week, we will resume our routine." (Obviously, it is completely up to you if/when you resume your routine, but this may help kick SS into action.

1. It should be more straightforward for your boyfriend to get his information if he contacts SS directly - they should meet with him and go through it. If he is able to get this information and you are not, you should tell the social worker that you have no choice but to base your decisions on the information he gives you.

1. Before going through the formal complaints process (which you should definitely do b/c this is terrible practice), you should ask to speak to the Team Manager both to complain about your experience and to ask her/him for the information that you need directly . If you do want to make a formal complaint, the procedure will be on the local authority website.

I hope the above helps!

It is good he is stable and a positive influence on you, if things change, I hope your are well enough to see it.
I wish you the best OP. I hope you have a speedy recovery.
Make an appointment with SS and get this sorted, you need an answer either way.

It sounds like you have good grounds to complain OP on the poor lack of contact and time frame involved.

You will find the Childrens social services complaint details on your local council website. Email them.

As for the risk assessment element and details relating to your bf I think you need to be patient. Concentrate on being able to move on to having your children full time first and concentrate on your MH. It sounds like you have been nothing but compliant.

Supportive as your bf has been he needs to go on the back burner a while whilst you focus on yourself.

@thewaronpeace - I had a look at that post - it was written almost a year ago when I'd not long come out of hospital. I've realised through my therapy that actually it was me being volatile. Although he does have one particular trigger that I'm aware of. I'm much more settled now and so is our relationship. I have completed a DBT module in interpersonal effectiveness and it has really helped.

@LondonOx - thank you so much - that is so helpful! In terms of Clare's law - my boyfriend and I were planning to go to the police station as I wanted this information. However before we did so we had a Child protection conference with the police there so I was able to get all the information from them (that he had a conviction for joy riding but nothing else for many years. The policemen actually praised him for getting his life together).

I think other posters have misinterpreted me looking for advice as 'I want to get SS off my back!' Far from it - I want them to give me information about the risk assessment they have done on my boyfriend - I think that is information I and my SW should have and should have had a long time ago. These checks should have been done at the beginning of our relationship and certainly shouldn't have taken 6 months to complete. Even if he never has contact with the children again he HAS had contact and therefore any information about his suitability to be around children should be given to me. Learning that Child in Need is voluntary is also useful not because I want to cut all contact with SS but because I can use it as leverage to hopefully get things moving (as London Ox has detailed) And the fact we are still Child in need also suggests there aren't any major worries otherwise we would have been put on Child protection a long while ago.

Thank you @emeraldshamrock - I have another Child in need meeting coming up soon and this thread has given me more confidence to be assertive about the need for this information.

@bringbacksideburns - thank you for the information - I will have a look on the website. Yes, you're quite right I do need to concentrate on getting better (the irony is that I would have been able to do this better if SS had supported us better) and once discharged to transition into being with the children more. I can't wait for that day!

I would want to know why they had to complete a check on your BF and think you need to wake up to the fact that there is clearly a risk to your children. You might feel bad now but imagine how awful you would feel if he sexually abused one of your children? (for example). your primary role should be to safe guard your children