To not know what to do about Social services anymore!

[UndertheCedartree]

I had a breakdown a couple of years ago and SS became involved with my children. They were put on the Child in Need register. From the beginning I was very open and compliant and initially found them helpful and supportive.
About 6 months later I met my boyfriend and told the social worker who said they would need to do a background check which was no problem. So I thought the background check had been done but a year later I suddenly get told that they have just completed the background check and they need to do a risk assessment. While that is completed he mustn't be alone with the children.
We were a bit annoyed that it was completed so late and that it would disrupt the children's routine as my boyfriend picked them up/dropped them and looked after them for a bit every week. But we sorted that out and the SW said thаt it would be completed in a few weeks.
So we waited patiently but then the SW went off sick and a new SW was allocated to our family. She made the decision that my boyfriend couldn't be around the children atall while the risk assessment was completed (she had never met us at this point and has never told me the reason for this.)
Deadline after deadline has been agreed and each time I'm told we will definitely get the result of the risk assessment but it never happens. It has been 6 months now. When it was meant to be completed in a few weeks. It has caused me a lot of upset as I want to be able to spend time together with my children and boyfriend. My children have also been upset as they'd formed a bond with him and they really notice he's not there at special occasions.
Anyway a month ago the SW told me the report was complete and she would discuss it with me at the next Child in need meeting. I begged her to tell me the result on the phone but she wouldn't. (I have no worries about the result as all the professionals have said there is no problem with him being around/looking after the children. Also my SW has said the result will definitely be positive)
She didn't turn up at the meeting and I was told by the duty SW that I would be told the result within a week. That came and went. So now our SW has gone off sick and we have yet another allocated to our case (our 6th). I spoke to her on the phone and asked her to give me the results of the risk assessment. She told me she would need to complete her own enquiries starting with an appointment with my boyfriend.

I really just want to scream! I feel I just can't take it anymore. We all need/want him to be with us. They have taken my support away. They were meant to be helping but they have just made things worse. My relationship with SS has completely broken down now. I just don't know what to say anymore to put across how harmful this is to me and my children.

I suspect the op is being a little economical with the truth here
Would be interesting to know the full story

I also agree that you should make a formal complaint about the way your case is being handled, both to management within SS and I’d go so far as to suggest your local MP.

I had SS involvement when my twins came home from NICU, they came under the guise of help but in reality they were more of a hindrance. I was often home alone with my twins when they came, every visit they asked when DH would be home so they could ‘include’ him, yet each time arrived at a time they knew he would be at work.

The first case worker who came to visit me was what I would describe as an “attack dog” and I know it’s their job to apply a certain amount of pressure in order to get a genuine view of who they are dealing with, but the pressure she put me under was very heavy handed (as said by her manager after my formal complaint) she also tried to suggest on many separate occasions that DH was financially controlling, not putting in enough effort, drank too much (she went through our recycling bin and noticed a few empty cans), was a risk to the twins health because he is a smoker (he follows all of the advice as given by the NICU staff to this day and has cut down massively with the aim of quitting) and overall not a good partner to raise children with. It made me feel sick to hear as I know none of the above is true and he is a loving man (with his faults of course but we all have those!) and such a doting Dad.

Funnily enough on the occasions where he was at home when they made their random visits, none of this was even suggested to him and the SW spoke to him in a sickeningly sweet way.

I know my experience is only one of thousands and the second SW assigned to us was much better and signed us off within a month - but that only happened once I had made my complaints and reported the actions of the first to my local MP. Not sure if they even got involved much, but it can’t hurt for you to try.

As for the issues identified with your new partner, depending on how long you waited between meeting him and then introducing him to your children can impact the SS decision on what checks will be needed as part of their risk assessment. If he were such a threat however, I would expect they would handle the case a lot quicker as it falls under their duty of care. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time of it OP and I do hope you can get some positive movement soon

@TheLazyDuchess This SW was supposed to be protecting a tiny relative but seemed to spend his time trying to chat me on using Porn. Strange technique. Mean while tiny relative was being battered on probably daily basis and it was ignored until it was close to proving!

There is obviously a huge backstory here which renders the OPs posts at best economical with the truth and really the whole thread a pointless exercise.

OP listen to the advice from SS and comply with what they are asking you to do unequivocally. Put your children before any half arsed idea of a relationship.

There is obviously a huge backstory here which renders the OPs posts at best economical with the truth and really the whole thread a pointless exercise

Yes but that was very clear from the initial op. Which is why it was appalling some people demonstrated a huge lack of critical thinking skills and jumped in to tell her how to get social services out of these kids lives.

@Bluntness100 It's odd that the pp are more keen to help you get rid of social services and totally ignoring the major red flag about your boyfriend being round kids.

This! How on earth would you not be like "what the hell?!"
I'd want to know why he wasn't allowed to be near my kids and he'd be nowhere near until I found out why!

Then one day his DC were playing outside and his 5 year old dd said to him whilst I was there "I'd like it if you and mummy were together and my mummy's [insert new boyfriends name] and your girlfriend [insert her name] where together. " In her little innocent brain she wanted her parents together and the new partners to be together because that's her logic.

Children can still think like that even if you take more than a year to move in together though.

freshstartnewme if their case is based on iffy evidence lies and fabrications, they actually tend to back off. Not sure if it's because they can't be arsed as much as someone else reviews the case and makes a difference decision.

However my local SS have been rated as inadequate the second time basically (they were told things have to change in 2015 and they've actually got worse) so I suppose it's not unsurprising.

Have you not been back to child protection conference since meeting your bf? Surely the chair would’ve stepped in and you would have heard the results during that?

Sorry mis read the OP- you do know that Child in Need plans are voluntary? If you withdraw consent then the worst that will happen is that it will go to an initial child protection conference and if things have happened like you say, the chair will gain clarity over the bf situation

OP. How much do you know about this man? SS are doing their job and trying to find out if he is a threat to your kids. Go with it and be patient. They must have found something after doing their background check. Otherwise they would not do a risk assessment.

The OP is clearly a vulnerable adult with serious MH issues and it’s right that SS are heavily involved, though it does seem that there has been a worrying level of delay. (As an adoptive parent, I know that this too often happens, but it definitely shouldn’t happen in a case like this.)

But I’m also particularly concerned at the number of posters telling a vulnerable OP that SS are entirely at fault and advising her on how to get rid of them. The fact is that we have a new BF getting far too involved too quickly in helping with the childcare when the mum only has her DC at weekends anyway. He shouldn’t be muscling in at all; this should be a time just for mum and her DC.

He’s definitely at the least bonding far too quickly. This is a definite red flag and SS are right to be cautious. Regardless of whether there are actual reasons why he might be a danger to her DC, he shouldn’t be involved at all.

Firstly - I'm sorry to be coming back to this so late but as some have pointed out I only see my children at the weekend.

I understand people saying there must be a huge back story and yes the problem is trying to give enough information in the initial post without writing an essay! I do take exception to someone saying I was lying about the timeline - I certainly haven't done so on purpose. I may sometimes not give the absolute timings i.e say so and so happened 6 months ago rather than it was actually 8 months etc.

I also take exception to the suggestion that I'm not puting my children first. I have followed everything social services have said to the letter. I spend all my weekends with my children. When my boyfriend was part of their lives it just meant I had some support. And I still had time 1:1 with the children. People asking when I see my boyfriend - I see him once a fortnight when he visits me at hospital.

Also many have described SS as being 'heavily involved'. This isn't the case at all. They visit the children about every 3 months. We have a Child in need meeting every 6 weeks.

I realise I shouldn't have omited this in my initial post but I know why the risk assessment is being carried out - it is because my BF has mental health issues. I have been asked as part of the risk assessment what would I do if he relapsed and answered to the satisfaction of the SW.

People questioning how much I know about him. I know about his background (he has told me plus I knew of him as in friend of a friend from the past), I have met his family, he has met mine. He has no children. We have already been to a child protection conference where the scores all came up really low (the children were kept on CIN) - the police were there (he has had a conviction for joyriding many years ago) - they confirmed he had had no contact with them for a long time and they saw no reason for him to not be around the children, his care - coordinator and psychistrist felt the same as did the children's SW.

I understand the concerns about me starting a relationship at this time - I agree it is not ideal, certainly not something I was looking for. Yes, I met him in hospital. However, he has made me happy and given me support- something that the consultant praised him for at my discharge meeting (he had already been discharged 3 months earlier).

I also agree that it was quite fast for him to be helping with the children. However this was encouraged by SS at the 'family conference' we had to have as we (the children's dad and me) don't have any local family. He stepped in to give the children's dad a little bit of respite by picking up my daughter on a Friday initially and sometimes my son. This started when I started my therapy as an inpatient (we had been together for 10 months).

I have been told by everyone (professionals) that the result is going to be that he's fine to be around the children and that him not being alone with the children while the risk assessment was carried out was a formality and that the new social workers decision to change it to him not being around them atall is over cautious. (By the way - she never even told me about the decision - school did when we dropped my daughter off at school together). I have no worries about him as he has been very open and honest, has given social services permission to disclose anything about his background to me, I know he takes his medication and is extremely stable as he is in supported living and I have met with his psychiatrist. Finally all the professionals around me say there is no problem with him being around the children. My consultant and therapist have also met him on many occassions when he has come to my ward round or progress meetings.

I have tried to speak to managers but they are never available and literally noone ever phones me back.

Op, how well do you know this man? It seems from the start he was involved with your kids, then when that stopped he only visits you in hospital? How long did you have a relationship externally for?

Bluntness - OP has given chapter and verse above.

Okay, it appears the concerns SS have are not because they think your BF might set out to hurt your DC. But they will want to speak to his psychiatrist; with serious MH issues, he might not be able to cope with the responsibility of being in sole charge of young children.

My DB has serious MH issues. He would never want to consciously hurt anyone, but he isn’t someone who could ever be left in charge of young children, so obviously we would never leave him alone with our DDs.

OTOH, MH issues don’t necessarily mean that a person can’t be a good parent. I have PTSD and depression and nevertheless am an adoptive mum, who is coping fine. If, as you say, your BF is careful to take his medication and is ready to speak up when he’s struggling, maybe there wouldn’t be an issue.

But with both of you coping with MH issues, there will be the concern about what would happen if you were both struggling to cope.

SS will want to do a risk assessment on whether your BF. I’m sorry they’re taking their time to do this, that’s very poor.

Obviously, randoms on the Internet can’t answer your question. You need to speak to the MH professionals involved with both of you, especially your BF’s psychiatrist, whose advice will be taken on board by SS when making their decision.

They might also have concerns that your BF isn’t as happy with the responsibility as you think. He’s clearly vulnerable himself and might struggle with saying no to you, as he will know that you’re emotionally dependent upon him. It’s a concern I would have if I was a family member.

SS will also want to know that you have sone support network behind you.

Seems like a good argument for same sex psychiatric wards, tbh. No wonder SS are concerned there isn't much of a worse time or place to meet someone. Hopefully they will come to the end of their assessment soon but I can see that this is a precarious situation

@bluntness100 - I introduced him to the children when we'd been together about 5 months. He only visits me in hospital now as I am with my children all weekend. We have met for a coffee in town now and again if I've been able to get home a bit earlier. I was out of my acute ward for 5 months before going to the long-term placement.

@lizzie48 - SS have had reports from his psychiatrist and I've spoken to his psychiatrist who has no concerns about him being around the children. The 'family conference' we did was about what support I have. Alongside my boyfriend a couple of good friends came along and also my brother (although he doesn't live locally but he has the children to stay for a few days in the holidays). I think it's reasonable to consider how my boyfriend is coping with the responsibility of the children - I realise it did happen very fast when condidering the timeline - it didn't seem so fast at the time but as I say this was encouraged by SS. They have also had a number of occasions when they have spoken to him alone and there were no worries raised.

@freyasmum1 - I completely agree with you about single sex wards. I'm in a women's hospital now and it is so much better. I had many men coming onto me, touching me, being aggressive if not reciprocated. I had safeguarding raised on a number of occasions. My boyfriend was never like that, though. Any touching is not allowed on the ward and he always stuck to that.

You say you see him at hospital, are you still in hospital ?

Op, who looks after the children during the week? Is it their father? Sorry if I've missed this. I'm trying to work out why you're current boyfriend would be doing collection and pick ups alone? Was this to bring the kids to you? When you are out at the weekends, where do you stay? Are you alone or with other family?

@wishingforapositiveyear - yes I'm still in hospital, home at the weekends Fri-Sun usually.
@bluntness100 - yes, the children's father looks after them during the week. He comes and stays at my house. At the weekends I am at home with the children.
My boyfriend would pick up the children on a Friday and be alone with them for half hour an hour before I came home. He would then drop my daughter at school on the Monday. This was to give their dad some respite and was encouraged by SS and agreed at the 'family conference'. Writing it down I can see this was very quick for him to have that responsibility but there were no problems and it was supported by SS.

All local authority's have a complaints line number, if you can't get hold of a manager id raise this as a complaint. It's a very long time and many staff changes, just be clear you want to work with them and have in an open and honest way and have followed all advice but you do expect to be told the outcome of their risk assessment so you know what to do to make sure you are all safe and progressing with the plan. Do you have a discharge plan , or know when this might be? When this happens will you be the children's primary carer?

@wishingforapositiveyear - the plan is that I will be discharged in December and I will be the children's primary carer as they will be living with me. Their dad will still be very involved and will see them Tues, Thurs and Saturday.

I will try and find the complaints line number. I feel very strongly that the last SW was not very competent. She has dragged out something that should have been completed in 6 weeks to 6 months. She only came to a Child in need meeting once and has completely ignored all deadlines made at the meetings. She also ignores all requests to phone me back or phone my SW back - aswell as ignoring all e-mails from my SW.

This is clearly a very complex situation. I appreciate you cannot give your life story in a post and it is your right to keep somethings private. However, you have either been disingenuous or your illness has not allowed you to see the whole picture. I have read your previous posts and this man has a complicated mental health history, as do you. While it’s important you are supported to care for your children, I don’t see why it has to include him. Some of the things you’ve said about him would be make me very wary indeed about his ability to be a stable and emotionally safe person in your life and your children’s lives.

You, too, have a serious mental health condition and your main priority should be getting well for the sake of you and your children. Relationships can wait. I wish you well but would strongly suggest you explore why you are focusing on this risk assessment, to an outsider, it looks this this probably the least of your worries. If you need support with parenting at the weekend, ask for help, proper help,

Best of luck. It sounds like you’re in a therapeutic unit and places are like unicorn poop. Make the most of it for you and your children, you all deserve that.