To not know what to do about Social services anymore!

[UndertheCedartree]

I had a breakdown a couple of years ago and SS became involved with my children. They were put on the Child in Need register. From the beginning I was very open and compliant and initially found them helpful and supportive.
About 6 months later I met my boyfriend and told the social worker who said they would need to do a background check which was no problem. So I thought the background check had been done but a year later I suddenly get told that they have just completed the background check and they need to do a risk assessment. While that is completed he mustn't be alone with the children.
We were a bit annoyed that it was completed so late and that it would disrupt the children's routine as my boyfriend picked them up/dropped them and looked after them for a bit every week. But we sorted that out and the SW said thаt it would be completed in a few weeks.
So we waited patiently but then the SW went off sick and a new SW was allocated to our family. She made the decision that my boyfriend couldn't be around the children atall while the risk assessment was completed (she had never met us at this point and has never told me the reason for this.)
Deadline after deadline has been agreed and each time I'm told we will definitely get the result of the risk assessment but it never happens. It has been 6 months now. When it was meant to be completed in a few weeks. It has caused me a lot of upset as I want to be able to spend time together with my children and boyfriend. My children have also been upset as they'd formed a bond with him and they really notice he's not there at special occasions.
Anyway a month ago the SW told me the report was complete and she would discuss it with me at the next Child in need meeting. I begged her to tell me the result on the phone but she wouldn't. (I have no worries about the result as all the professionals have said there is no problem with him being around/looking after the children. Also my SW has said the result will definitely be positive)
She didn't turn up at the meeting and I was told by the duty SW that I would be told the result within a week. That came and went. So now our SW has gone off sick and we have yet another allocated to our case (our 6th). I spoke to her on the phone and asked her to give me the results of the risk assessment. She told me she would need to complete her own enquiries starting with an appointment with my boyfriend.

I really just want to scream! I feel I just can't take it anymore. We all need/want him to be with us. They have taken my support away. They were meant to be helping but they have just made things worse. My relationship with SS has completely broken down now. I just don't know what to say anymore to put across how harmful this is to me and my children.

@meenamum - I have only ever seen the SW once and maybe spoken on the phone to her twice. She didn't tell me my boyfriend couldn't be around my children - we found out from school. I did ask her the one time I saw her and she didn't give me a straight answer was just very defensive and constantly trying to shout me down/ not letting me speak. My boyfriend asked her when he had a meeting with her and she just said it was procedure. But how can it be standard procedure if the first SW was happy for him to continue seeing the children? I can assure you I spend a lot of time trying to ger answers. I usually phone twice a day but I get really down about it after a while as no one is ever available to take my call and noone ever phones back. However I have managed to speak to the new SW so hopefully this is a good sign

They have said they need to do a risk assessment and he isn't allowed near them, major rag flag

@mamaofboyzz - so noone with mental health problems deserves to live a normal family life? I should just get rid of him because he has mental health problems? I also have mental health problems so maybe I shouldn't be around my children either?

Child in need is totally voluntary. I refused to engage because I knew in our case they had no leg to stand on if they took us to child protection because whilst we'd done everything they had done nothing for very similar reasons. If it went to child protection in your case legally they would have to carry out everything they said they would in a set timescale - it could actually work in your favour. The family rights group will definitely be able to advise, I would have been lost without their helpline.

I'd definitely look at doing the Claire's law request if only for reassurance.

You aren't living a normal family life though OP. You are only seeing your DC at weekends so why not focus on them at that time and keep your relationship to the weekdays.

I can see why alarm bells are ringing.

All I am say is - thank goodness SS are involved

OP you are receiving extensive mental health treatment and barely seeing your children.

Focus on yourself and your children. Simply that. It says a lot about your mental health (or perhaps your mothering, I don’t know) that your partner and SS is your focus.

@schuyler - thankyou. I certainly am making the most of my placement for myself and my children. I know it doesn't necessary come across here as I am trying to get advice about this particular situation but my children absolutely come first - that is why I barely see my BH anymore. I certainly haven't meant to be disingenuous and I'm not sure what you are refering to? I think perhaps I made some posts when I was really unwell. I am much better now and SS have commented that it was good that my BH has stood by me.

In terms of help at the weekend - it never happened. I asked for help when my BF wasn't allowed around the children and I missed seeing them for many weeks. Gradually as I've got better I've been able to go home and look after them on my own. I do still find it very hard work, though and of course I'm so happy I'm able to see them at the weekends but I would love the support he used to give me.

I also do really appreciate the different perspectives people are giving me - although some are based very much on assumptions. But it is useful.

I'd just ignore them.

No, that’s not what’s meant here. MH issues vary so much. We don’t know you, so how can we answer that question? As I said, my DB has serious MH issues and could never be trusted to look after children on his own (the idea would freak him out tbh). Whereas I have PTSD as a result of childhood SA, as does my DSis, and she has anxiety and I have depression. We both have DC and cope absolutely fine. I have other friends with MH issues who cope fine.

For the moment, I think you should be focusing on being well enough to have your DC live with you, not on this relationship and SS. You will need time where it’s just you and your DC, because it will be a major adjustment, for both you and them.

I don’t mean to make assumptions, I can give my opinion based on what I have seen on here. I hope I didn’t lead to believe I think you don’t prioritise your children. I can see that you do. You also need to care for yourself and understand you are enough on your own. If he’s special, your boyfriend will wait however long it takes for you and your children to heal.

If you find it hard with your children, please express this strongly to your medical team. They can work through it with you and help you figure out what’s behind it.

@georgiatrotmansparachute - I'm not at the moment, no. And obviously I am totally focusing on my children at the weekend as I spend it soley with them and don't see my boyfriend atall. Even when he was around at the weekend he wasn't there all the time, my children always come first. I would take my daughter to her parties, my son to his sleepovers and spend 1:1 time together. When he was there we were able to do things I just wouldn't have had the confidence to do alone - like take them on outings - their dad supported with this too. But obviously now my relationship is only during the week when he makes the journey to see me for a couple of hours every fortnight. I think everyone needs support sometimes and he gives that to me. He is a very kind loving man but obviously for now he is in the background of my life.

Op,, I've also just read your other threads. It's up to other folks if they wish to or not, it's not my story to tell.

However I would also say I am unsure if you are presenting the facts in a way to get the answers you wish, or if you genuinely believe what you're posting, as from your other threads there is much more to this situation.

I think my only advice would be to focus on you first and foremost, and your children secondly. Your boyfriend has very significant mental health issues and diagnosis and is in supported living due to it.

I think it's for social services and your medical team to decide if it's wise for two people with this disorder to be alone with your children. The risk is not simply will he hurt them, which you are focusing on, but what behaviour your children may witness that may traumatise them even further.

It's hugely complicated and you need to rely on the professionals here. Who have much more information than the snippets you choose to provide us.

@amibeimgdaft81 - how can you know SS and my partner are my focus from one thread? My partner and SS are the focus of this thread but a thread isn't my life. I am focused on my children every day. I still organise everything for them, buy things they need, plan fun things for us to do. I attend parents evening and most of the events at my daughter's school alongside all appointments for my son and special events, karate competitions etc. I love my children above all else. I also saw how happy they were when my boyfriend was around, how he built my son's confidence and how they miss him. SS have encouraged this relationship and not one professional has ever told me the children are at risk because of him. Never the less Ii have followed all instructions by SS.

@Lizzie48 - I was aiming that at people who said I should run because there is a risk assessment being completed as he has MH problems. The point is I need to know the result of the risk assessment and if it is that he poses a risk then ofcourse I would end the relationship - however all professionals within and outside of SS have said they believe the outcome will be positive. The SW who first started the risk assessment said she 'would get it completed within 6 weeks as she knew we would want to be together for Christmas'. Does that sound like someone who is gravely concerned and is telling me I should end the relationship? Noone has ever warned me off him.

I am well enough to live with my children - that's what I do every weekend. And I always focus on myself and my children first. And yes, you're quite right about the adjustment when I come out of hospital.

@schuyler - thank you. I do have some understanding of why it can be hard because of trauma I have experienced. My son also is suspected ASD which can sometimes present difficult times. I am through therapy definitely developing more independance and hence being able to look after my children on my own.

My boyfriend has had to put up with a lot during our short relationship but he has stood by me and I think he will wait.

OP everyone deserves happiness but at this high price is a relationship worth it.
Your DC need you, they need you well, they need you focused.
There is already so many issues from previous posts.
Your DC need to be your priority.

I get your partner has stuck by your side, it is at the expense of your DC.
Say it is his MH, you are already aware of and have excepted, if SS tell you he has to go, given you already are aware of his issues will you walk away.
I don't think you will.
You would have walked away then.
You really didn't know him well and he was looking after your DC. It doesnt look good.

@bluntness100 - I am listening to the professionals - they say my boyfriend is stable and there is no issue with him being around the children. I can't write my whole story everytime I start a thread but people are welcome to search. I would be interested to know in particular what I have left out that would be pertinent. I know I left out the bit about him having mental health problems originally but I was more looking for ideas of how to deal with SS than asking for opinions about my boyfriend (hence why I said I had no worries about the conclusion of the risk assessment). I don't know what you mean by '2 people with this disorder' as we have different mental illnesses. Yes, it is a complicated situation hence me not being able to type out everything but focus on what I am asking for help with. You talk about what behaviour the children may witness but they are more at risk of that from me as I am mid-therapy than my boyfriend who has completed his treatment and is stable.

Op this is where you're kind of misrepresenting the facts. You say social services has encouraged the relationship. They have not. They have told yiu he can't be near them. You say you are well enough to live with them. You are not, you are hospitalised five nights a week. You don't "live" with your children, Your boyfriend is not well enough to live with them either. He lives in supported living due to his disorder and subsequent inability to live independently.

I don't know if you believe what you're posting due to your illness, or what is happening, but again I say please refer to your medical team and leave this to the proffessionals.

Posting this on mumsnet is not going to help you, I'm sorry. There are qualified professionals involved in both you and your boyfriends cases and they should be your first snd only port of call. Not online strangers who may set you off down the wrong route simply because they don't know what the full facts are.

@emeraldshamrock - if anyone tells me my boyfriend puts my chilren at risk of course I would end the relationship - my children are my priority. But the point is noone has said that. How has my BF sticking by me be at the expense of my children? I never see him at a time I could be seeing my children. I have been told the risk assessment is because of his mental health and all mental health professionals have reported that they have no concerns about him being with/looking after the children.

I have said that I understand and accept that he was looking after the children at a very early stage - this thread has made me see this. However this was completely endorsed by social services who wrote it into the children's plan at the 'family conference'. Therefore they obviously didn'rt think it 'didn't look good'. I was very unwell at the time and followed their lead. If my children were in such danger surely they would be on Child protection and surely the SW would see them more than every 3 months? Wouldn't they visit at weekend's to check I was complying?

So did the SW never tell you he couldn't be around your children? It was only the school? Are you sure they aren't mixed up?

You said earlier they are on a children in need plan, but SW are seeing them once every 3 months? With meetings every 6 weeks? Is it your ex whose passing the info on then?

At the meetings every 6 weeks it should have been made clear why he can't see the children and when and in what form the assessment will take.

There should be a main switchboard with duty social workers at your SW office who you could speak to.

Some things aren't adding up here. For the people telling OP how to get SW out of their lives, shame on you. We clearly don't know the full story. For the children to be on a CIN plan there must have been concerns to warrant this initially - usually invoked by other agencies, not just SW.

Make a direct clares law application to the police about your partner. Anything concerning will come out, if anything. Make a written complaint to the team manager.

It’s difficult for anyone to answer correctly as they don’t know either of you. I’m a mum of 2, who has bipolar. I’ve never had any intervention from social services. Never a social worker. Nothing. I’ve never been sectioned, or admitted voluntarily for even a night. I take all my meds as prescribed. I say to my psychiatrist I must be the most boring patient he has. So just because someone has a MH problem doesn’t mean they can’t be a successful parent.

I think people are trying to look at two individuals who met in a psychiatric ward, one who is still receiving treatment and another who is in supported living, and are trying to piece together how they can be successful at parenting without hurting each other or more importantly the children. But as I said at the start, we don’t know all the pieces to give a more accurate outcome.

@bluntness100 - my post was asking for help with how to deal with SS and I have been given some very useful help and advice.
I wasn't looking for opinions as to if my boyfriend should be around my children which as you quite rightly say must be down to the professionals.
I am well enough to live with my children and I did so for 5 months before coming into hospital. The reason I don't live with the full time is that I am undertaking intense therapy as an inpatient. Supported living also doesn't mean my boyfriend is not well enough to live with my children (obviously not that he would be living with them at this stage) - it just means he needs some support to be able to live independently - not because of his mental health problems as such but because of being in an institution for a long time.

And yes SS have encouraged the relationship obviously previous to the risk assessment situation.

@todaywasafairytale - yes, it was the school who told me but this was later confirmed by the SW/CIN meeting so definitely true.

A SW has on average seen the children about once every 3 months. I attend all the Child in need meetings every 6 weeks as does the children's father. My boyfriend has also attended some of them. I'm not sure what is not adding up.

The old SW has never given a reason as to why she changed it from BF not being alone with children to not seeing them atall. I have asked but I have only spoken to her about 3 times. All other professionals are of the opinion she is being overly cautious. My SW is going to put in a complaint as she is not happy with the lack of communication/information and the knock on effect this has had on me and the children. The 'assessment' is a risk assessment and involves reports from psychiatrist etc aswell as speaking to him and me. This has been completed.

There is never anyone available to talk to me when I ring SS.

The children were put on a CIN meeting when I had a breakdown 2 years ago. I have been told their involvement will end when I am discharged.