AIBU to be a little miffed when our friends from London don't want to come and see us in our small rural town?

[WhisperingPines]

DH and I live in a small, rural market town in 'the Heart of England', having moved out of London over 13 years ago. We still have friends in London who we've known for 20+ years and much longer. Most of them were born and brought up in London, others are not.

Whenever DH or I try to make arrangements to meet up with our friends, they always expect us to come down to London, never the other way round. One of my friends in London, for example, was born and brought up in a small market town but she really likes the big city life. She will suggest a 'day out' including lunch and visits in London because she thinks there is 'nothing to do' in our small town (she has visited once).

Don't get me wrong. I do like London - I think it's a great city - and I go there from time to time, to meet up with friends and see places of interest or to go shopping, but as our friends always expect us to come and see them it feels one-sided, with us always having to spend money on trains, buses and the underground, and taking out time to get to London (which usually turns into a whole day).

Our friends are all in the age group late 40s-60 and none of them have to take childcare into account as their kids are now old enough to look after themselves. Some don't have children. None of them have grandchildren either so I can't see what is stopping them.

We live in London and have friends who live in more rural areas.
Tbh we are happy to travel to them but it usually includes a sleepover.
They come to us too.
Surely it’s a give and take thing?
Friends come to us and we do dinner and a show.
We go to them and might go to an agricultural show then sit round an open fire and drink shit loads!
Seeing friends is the point

Greeborising

Surely it’s a give and take thing?

Of course it is. But our friends in London don't seem to want to make the effort to come and see us and they expect us to come down to London instead.

Not that I mind going to London. London is a very interesting place. One never gets bored there. But it still feels one-sided with us always making the effort and spending money on getting there.

What is it with London / countryside issues today?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3595131-to-not-want-to-go-out-out-in-the-countryside

I wondered that Average.

@TheAverageJuror Maybe the OP on the other thread could make friends with this OPs friends. One problem solved tonight 👍🏻

That's it. I am starting my own threat. Come and wonder with me about mysteries of Mumsnet

In like 5 min

Could you invite them when a specific event is on (carnival, district show type thing) so they are coming to see that event (and you)!

sar302
@TheAverageJuror Maybe the OP on the other thread could make friends with this OPs friends. One problem solved tonight

Hahaha, yes good idea.

No seriously, I really do like London, it has so much to offer but I guess I get miffed by my friends' misconception that there is 'nothing to do' around here. They're missing out: beautiful countryside, quaint villages, historic market towns, stately homes, village fetes, countryside pubs, going for walks, etc.

It's nothing personal, 2 threads like this really made me laugh .
What are the odds.

Agree with @bookmum08

@WhisperingPines I jest, but I do understand your upset. Quite frankly, if you lived in the arse end of nowhere, you are still right to expect that your friendships are a 50/50 effort.

We are having the reverse issue with some very close friends that have moved up north. They want to spend all their time walking the hills with their dog, and get very funny about coming back down south for a visit, even though we go up there to them. I'd be lying if I said it hadn't soured things slightly. We've started making a concerted effort to build more of a friendship group locally (we've recently moved too), to take some of the pressure off expecting them to do stuff. Friendships do fluctuate, and whilst it's painful, there's not always much you can do about it.

Do you invite them for the day or overnight?

I do think some Londoners think the rest of the country spends their leisure time chewing straw. We live rurally but have ready access to fantastic theatre productions, some of the finest pubs in the country, beautiful beaches and countryside, good art galleries, architectural gems and independent cinema.

Londoners don’t always realise what they’re missing out on. Kinky Boots is a fun, feel-good musical but Chichester Festival theatre can often compete on an equal footing with productions that are simply better.

Once people experience the joys of culture and dining outside the capital they often want to move or visit more frequently.

Meh. I’ve got quite a few friends that moved out of London.

Some I go see. I’ll travel half way round the world to see some people. Ones that I really like where it was an awesome friendship not just a casual convenient friendship.

Others are like “oh you must come to stay in X for the weekend” and whist I’m v happy to see them in London when they are down, I’m not interested in dedicating an entire weekend to go stay with them.

Also depends on the set up and hosting situation. Weekend away in your nice house with a comfy gust bed, welcoming hosting, great food and lots of mutually enjoyable activities - winner. I’m there.

Have you actually just asked your friends to come to visit you outright? Clear communication usually solves most problems.

Im staying with London escapists this weeks in fact :-)

Cherrysoup
Do you invite them for the day or overnight?

I invite them for the day. It is perfectly doable. We don't live that far away in the grand scheme of things. When I travel to London from our town using public transport all the way to central London it typically takes me 1.5 hours to 1 hour 45 minutes one way, depending on reliability of the trains. The journey to London includes train, bus, the Tube and walking.

When my friends from London invite me to come and see them in London I don't expect a sleepover. I travel to London and back in 1 day.

YANBU, their is nothing special about London, or any big city. They are all the same

Maybe they just don't feel comfortable in a rural place?

I moved to a small, rural Sussex town nearly 30 years ago, and most of my friends loved coming down here, but there were a couple who just didn't feel comfortable somewhere that was quiet and peaceful. They didn't enjoy country walks, or appreciate the beautiful scenery, couldn't believe you had to get in the car to go and pick up a take away and that we don't have buses on Sundays!

Bit by bit, a lot of that group of friends moved away to various rural areas, and that couple have lost touch with all of us now, because they just don't enjoy being anywhere that's not urban.

I invite them for the day. It is perfectly doable. We don't live that far away in the grand scheme of things.

Just re-read my previous post. This may sound a bit distant or aloof. The thing is that when I go to London to see friends I don't expect them to put me up in their homes. I don't want to impose myself on people. Also I don't necessarily want to spend more than 1 day/a whole weekend with people. To London and back in one day is fine with me.

It would be nice if our London friends made the effort to come and see us for a change.

I do like London - I think it's a great city - and I go there from time to time, to meet up with friends and see places of interest or to go shopping

I hear you, OP !

I have a London-based friend who stalks me on social media, so knows when I'm in London for work (my time usually scheduled for 12 hours down to the second) & does quite a number on me about "never seeing me."

I go to London for work. It's a 2 and a half hour journey, and I try to fit in other things around it that I want to do (eg Van Gogh exhibition). She never suggests coming to visit me in my regional town even though she could do the journey there & back in a [long] day.

But she ever thinks about that - it's as if it's only people who don't live in London have to spend money & time. Drives me crazy, because she emotionally blackmails me to feel guilty that I don't visit!

Since you aren't offering to put up your friends, it may well be that they see it as you far for a day trip. You say it is perfectly doable for a day, but what do you mean by this? I wouldn't want to spend a long time travelling just for a day trip, and I imagine your friends may not either. 'doable for a day' is quite subjective. What is the door to door travel time? Perhaps offer to have them stay over at yours?

Missed the bit where you said it takes at least 90 minutes each way. Likely longer for your friends, unless they live in the centre. I think that is your answer as to why they aren't visiting you. It's a long time travelling for a day trip

It’s not a London v country thing. It’s a you left and they didn’t thing. Unfortunately when you move and most of your friends haven’t, they don’t see why they should go to see you as you’re the one who left.

Maybe these friends aren’t as close to you as you thought or maybe there’s enough of them in London for them to think you should come down v the majority coming to you. Maybe it’s time to make new friends in your new place.

It's a long time travelling for a day trip

I think the OP's point is that she's expected to travel this time/distance to visit friends, but they think like you - that the time/distance is too great for them. But they expect the OP to do the trip.

hibbledibble

You say it is perfectly doable for a day, but what do you mean by this? I wouldn't want to spend a long time travelling just for a day trip, and I imagine your friends may not either. 'doable for a day' is quite subjective. What is the door to door travel time?

Door to door travel time from my house into central London = 1.5 hours to 1.45 minutes MAXIMUM. One way. It usually takes about 1.5 hours, if there are no delays on the railways. So about 3 hours travelling there and back.
In my opinion this is doable for a day trip.