AIBU to be a little miffed when our friends from London don't want to come and see us in our small rural town?

[WhisperingPines]

DH and I live in a small, rural market town in 'the Heart of England', having moved out of London over 13 years ago. We still have friends in London who we've known for 20+ years and much longer. Most of them were born and brought up in London, others are not.

Whenever DH or I try to make arrangements to meet up with our friends, they always expect us to come down to London, never the other way round. One of my friends in London, for example, was born and brought up in a small market town but she really likes the big city life. She will suggest a 'day out' including lunch and visits in London because she thinks there is 'nothing to do' in our small town (she has visited once).

Don't get me wrong. I do like London - I think it's a great city - and I go there from time to time, to meet up with friends and see places of interest or to go shopping, but as our friends always expect us to come and see them it feels one-sided, with us always having to spend money on trains, buses and the underground, and taking out time to get to London (which usually turns into a whole day).

Our friends are all in the age group late 40s-60 and none of them have to take childcare into account as their kids are now old enough to look after themselves. Some don't have children. None of them have grandchildren either so I can't see what is stopping them.

@WhisperingPines my gripe is that lots of our friends have left London and are now mad keen country folk who would rather die than go back. So it's always us getting in the car to head out to see them.

I love the countryside but it is a pain that it's always one way!

I think one problem may be that people living outside London see that their journey to Central London may be only, say, 90 minutes, but they don't factor in that their friends probably don't live in Central London. I used to work somewhere that had an office in Leeds, and they used regularly to put on events starting at 9.00 a.m on the footing that there were trains at around 6.30 that would get the London contingent there well in time. They simply couldn't get their heads around the fact that many of us lived the other side of London and couldn't get public transport to get us to Euston by then.

Door to door travel time from my house into central London = 1.5 hours to 1.45 minutes

But what is the travel time for them door to door? I assume they don't live in King's Cross station, and would need to travel from their house to central London first.

I think that when you move out there is a feeling of ‘they are the ones who moved away’ and you shouldn’t necessarily expect that people will feel they are responsible for picking up all the travel caused by your choice.

If you have several sets of friends who have moved out of London you get left with a lot of travelling to small market towns.

I’m guessing you don’t live by the sea or other ‘destination ‘ type place? I have seen lots of posts here over the years ‘we moved out of London to a popular seaside location, everyone wants to visit / use our place like a hotel, we just want to get on with our lives, we’re not on holiday every weekend!”

As others have said op: that is your travel time to the centre. Your friends probably don't live in zone 1, or even if they do, unlikely they are next door to the station with direct links to your little town.

It's your opinion that it is doable for a doable for a day trip, but theirs may be different. You either need to accept that you visit them, or that you put them up, or perhaps suggest meeting in the middle.

I love in central London - three big stations are 30 mins from my door to a ticket machine (walk and bus) or Paddington can take 45 mins. Factor in time to get tickets and get on train someone living 90 min train journey means circa 2.5 hours each way realistically. Assume if by train then there’s a taxi at other end ??
Rural stuff (which I love) takes time - walks, walks or drives to sea or pub or village etc. It doesn’t seem very doable to me.
If driving then someone isn’t drinking.
I do think a weekend stay or one night stay somewhere (not necessarily with you op) makes the invite more feasible.
Think it’s slightly different the other way around - once in London you can do something (loads of different things) close to whichever station you come into. This Is rarely the case if you live rural !
Having said all of that drove 5 hours to see friends recently Very rural. Lovely day. Knackered when back!

Are you sure it's a city/country thing? Could there be a reason they don't feel comfortable in your home eg do you have dogs or a draughty house? Is there somewhere nice to take them for lunch or coffee? Do you drive or do they have to walk everywhere/wait for buses?

I've lived rurally and in cities. To be honest I don't like visiting friends in little market towns, it's a lot of travelling to sit in someone's lounge all day. I hate country walks, they always involve snaggy brambles, mud, cows, dogs or jumping into ditches on lanes to avoid cars. I did my fair share of country walks when I lived rurally!

Public transport is terrible in most rural areas so I wouldn't like to rely on country buses getting me to my train on time.

I do end up meeting friends in London more often than travelling to them. They often suggest this as they want to visit London, or they are coming up anyway - to see multiple friends at once, for work, to visit a particular exhibition, or to revisit favourite places. They usually say they love visiting London every few months as they lived there for years and have an attachment to the place.

I do suggest visiting them if a good friend, but it's a place I don't have an attachment to and generally have no other reason to be there other than seeing them.

It also depends on your interests - I love a countryside walk and happily visit friends to walk together, but I would find visiting random villages and market towns tedious. I assume you enjoy urban things as you previously chose to live in London.

Although often friendships drift apart when someone moves away. Dedicating a whole weekend day to seeing one person is a lot when you work full time.

I'd be getting out of London at any opportunity. I'm there for work all the time and unless you have Mayfair money (I'm exaggerating a little) then the place is a shithole and getting worse

I don't think it's anything to do with where you live. Your friends don't think you are "worth" making the effort for. They will see you if convenient, if not then it's no biggie to them.

I think you need to re evaluate your friendships with this particular group of friends

This obsession with the time it takes to get to the main station is a bugbear of mine with Londoners. They think the rest of us live on the platform at Piccadilly station! We all have to travel, if your friends won't take the time and make the effort to visit you, they're probably not worth having a one sided friendship with.

I have friends who I've tired of making the effort with. One particular friend, I just decided after seeing her that I would wait for her to next get in touch, rather than initiating it myself. That was about 17 years ago, never heard from her again.

The clue here is they have been once and think there is nothing to do. Which begs the question what did you do with them when they did come that's led them to this conclusion?

For whatever reason when they did make the effort they have left thinking there was nothing to do.

So a thread about random people who may have grown apart due to one couple deciding to move away has inevitably turned into a ‘Londoners are selfish and horrible and the place is a shithole’ fest. The very mention of London appears to really bring out the nastiness and rudeness in some. Sigh.

But when you meet them you say you meet in central London. They will possibly have another 45 minutes to get there before the hour and a half out to you - so 2 and a half hours out and two and a half back. Why not actually try inviting them to stay over? Maybe they would be more inclined to travel if they were making a weekend of it. After all if I assume they would need to ne on a train home by 7.30 pm!

I think OneStep has it .
Travelling 3 hours each way to sit in someones lounge drinking tea.

My parents live rurally.
We visit and sit in their kitchen all day drinking tea while they tell us how fantastic it is and how awful our life must be ( lovely village)
Most people dont want to travel that far for a small rural town more than once.
speakout

in my experience, once people move away thats it. Contact is usually lost or kept to online. Unless its a best friend maybe or you move to a tourist area.
Do you have a trainline where you are?

I would travel a near 4 hour Roy d trip to see a friend in a day. If you asked me to stay over I would happily make a weekend of it. Yes the OP is happy to do it in a day but that’s her choice and she needs to accept it’s unusual. Weekends are for relaxing, that day trip does not sounds remotely relaxing.

Saw you update.
The overnight thing only your problem.
Here is why.

Door to door travel time from my house into central London = 1.5 hours to 1.45 minutes MAXIMUM. One way. It usually takes about 1.5 hours, if there are no delays on the railways. So about 3 hours travelling there and back.

It’s 1.45 MAXIMUM for you
I go visit my pals in the country it takes an hour ish to get into central London and another 1.5h ish to them. If she expected me to travel 5/6 hours to go see her in one day I’d be much less inclined to go.
Staying over, having a catch up dinner and drinks with a spot of brunch and back on the train the next day is way more civilised.

I spent 4 hours yesterday travelling out from London and then back again to see a friend who lives rurally. It was good to see him and we did a long walk I'd be wanting to do, but it was a long slog after a week at work.

It depends partly on whether your friends have any interest in what's available locally - many National Trust houses are pretty dull, and not everyone likes walking. If not, I agree that inviting them to stay over and having a nice dinner would probably be more appealing for them.

Recently had a similar debate with a friend who moved out - she really hadn’t grasped/remembered that I live 1 hour 10 mins away from the relevant train station.

So if I travel to meet her near that station, she’s travelled 2 hours and I’ve travelled 1 hour 10.

But if I come to see her I’ve travelled 3 hours 10 mins, which I just don’t want to do for a day trip.

It’s not the same journey both ways.

I don't understand, if I had a chance to get out of London even for a break to a more rural place, I would! I don't know anyone that wouldn't!

For the day though JQ
With travelling of 5 plus hours ?
Thats the issue, the OP expects her friends to come for the day.

Do you offer to give them dinner and accommodate overnight or just for the day?

I’ll go anywhere for dinner

My circle of friends live in outer London but of our friends has moved out of London into rural Kent.
What we do as a compromise is meet in the middle in central London so everyone has the same 30/40 minute commute.
I have been to her house to sleep over but I don’t like it because she has a dog and I’m not keen.