AIBU to be a little miffed when our friends from London don't want to come and see us in our small rural town?

[WhisperingPines]

DH and I live in a small, rural market town in 'the Heart of England', having moved out of London over 13 years ago. We still have friends in London who we've known for 20+ years and much longer. Most of them were born and brought up in London, others are not.

Whenever DH or I try to make arrangements to meet up with our friends, they always expect us to come down to London, never the other way round. One of my friends in London, for example, was born and brought up in a small market town but she really likes the big city life. She will suggest a 'day out' including lunch and visits in London because she thinks there is 'nothing to do' in our small town (she has visited once).

Don't get me wrong. I do like London - I think it's a great city - and I go there from time to time, to meet up with friends and see places of interest or to go shopping, but as our friends always expect us to come and see them it feels one-sided, with us always having to spend money on trains, buses and the underground, and taking out time to get to London (which usually turns into a whole day).

Our friends are all in the age group late 40s-60 and none of them have to take childcare into account as their kids are now old enough to look after themselves. Some don't have children. None of them have grandchildren either so I can't see what is stopping them.

What makes a historic market town any less interesting than a bigger town? Do you really believe that all small towns are boring? Why do so many people go to the book festival in Hay-on-Wye, for example? Or the the Cheltenham Festival?
Don’t take it so personally. If they don’t want to enjoy what your town has to offer then that’s their loss not yours. Enjoy it with your local friends instead.

I think the length of travel for you both is quite long TBH. My cousin lives a similar distance from me .( Hertfordshire) we are on South Coast about 2 hours or so door to door .However we always stay for a few days .I think if you ask them for the weekend you would have more luck .Travelling in London is quite tiring and it would be nice for both of you to have a longer time together.

People go to these events for the book festival or to attend an event. Which I might well do. But in itself they are boring to me. Which is as judgemental as a PP saying London is a shithole.
You moved to the countryside. You enjoy it. People may not. They are entitled to this.
DH is not a fan of beaches. It’s not his thing. He prefers mountains. I prefer beaches. It’s fine to say I don’t like rural areas or I don’t like urban areas. That doesn’t mean they don’t like YOU. But then they want to meet you not waltz around your charming ‘market town’ and attend a ‘village fete.’

I can see your point OP.

However, a two hour round trip would be too much for a day for me, and I suspect it's borderline for a lot of people. I understand it isn't for you, but I don't think it's unreasonable for your friends to find it too much.

I'd invite people up for an overnight stay, if that's possible. Much more relaxing without having to worry about a slog of a journey back.

The issue is that you’re not inviting people to stay over, when you live a long time away from central London/your friends’ places.

Thank you for all your responses.

It looks like a lot of you would find a 3 to 3.5 hour round trip to the countryside to see a friend too long and too much. I have done many day trips to London in the 13 years DH & I have lived in our small country town. Yes, it takes a long time to get there and back but one gets used to it. I don't mind it. I just leave early in the day.
I personally think a 3.5 hours round trip to see a valued friend for the day 2 or 3 times per year is not that much of a sacrifice.

I remember when I lived in London it took me 1 hour to commute to my place of work one way (within London) so the inconvenience of travelling is relative. And it's also relative to where you are geographically. I have an American friend (living in the US) who thinks nothing of driving 2 or 2.5 hours one way to some outlet store to go clothes shopping.

What leapt out at me from your post is “you get used to it”. Can you understand that people who aren’t used to it find it too much and don’t want to do it?

Also yes most londoners spend a long time commuting in the week and don’t want to do it on a weekend!

They're missing out: beautiful countryside, quaint villages, historic market towns, stately homes, village fetes, countryside pubs, going for walks, etc.
I'm more countryside than city and rather spend my time in the mountains and at quieter times on the hills but to me village fetes, stately homes and everything else you describe are as boring as hell and even I would avoid that, well admittedly the pub sounds good but only after a day on the mountains and fells.

It seems like you have two choices, let the friendship fade or do all the running back to the city.

It sounds like you don't want people staying over, so why don't you suggest meeting in an intermediate location for lunch and an afternoon stroll, or similar? That way both sets of people would only have to travel one hour each way. If you posted your rough location I'm sure we could come up with some ideas.

It all sounds a bit wishy-washy. I think you have to sell it a bit harder by being a fantastic host (even if they’re not staying with you). So come up with a really appealing-sounding fun plan that makes it really easy for them - “grab the train up, we’ll pick you up from the station and we’ll go to this amazing pub that serves brilliant food and fab wine, then we’ll go for a little wander along the river, get a quick cream tea and then we’ll drop you back at the station”. Bish bash bosh, send them home happy and stuffed.

I think people need a clear plan and lots of enthusiasm - if you’re slightly resentful that they don’t make enough effort to come and drink tea in your living room 3 times a year that will come across, and it’s off-putting.

Totally agree but I still think the only way to do it is to include an overnight stay. You can’t chill out properly with the prospect of a two hour journey ahead of you.

hilbo that doesnt sound like fun,it sounds rushed.
A cream tea should never be quick

But the OP is expected to be able to 'chill out' in London even though she has the prospect of her journey home.

I don’t think it would be a 3/3.5 hours round trip, if you include travel time from friends’ homes into the London station/across London, waiting times for trains etc.

Commuters often don’t want to travel on weekends.

Why don’t you want people to stay over?

A day in London rarely involves chilling out.

Our DD lives in London with her husband and they love it there, however, they also love coming to us for the weekend - great pubs, lovely walks, historical sights, lots of individual shops and artisans in our local town. But they always stay over. Could you invite your friends to stay? I know you've said you're happy to do a day trip but perhaps it's just too much for them in one day?

Yep I wouldn't do a 1.5 hour hour journey for a day trip, I'd not enjoy the day as I'd be thinking about the knackering return journey.

I think the appeal of seeing country folk friends is to habe that 'weekend away in the cotswolds type experience' if you're living in London, which means a chilled out weekend in gorgeous country pubs and trundling round artisan cheese shops, going to farmers markets and buying fresh duck eggs that you can then have for breakfast.

You can't create that in a day as it's not chilled out, so I think you need to offer an overnight stay and sell where you live a bit more as a country weekend away.

It's different doing a day trip in London as you're not expecting that to be a relaxing experience.

Village fetes are only remotely meaningful if you are local.

The sun shines. You bump into people you vaguely know from school, your road or from local hobbies. The local charity has a stall. Perhaps your local B-list celeb comes out to cut the ribbon .

I enjoy a village event, but I only go to the ones near where I live - I don't travel 10 miles to go to ones in villages I don't live in as they would be meaningless to me!

I'm reminded of David O'Doherty's Grand Designs song

I think it’s that people when they have lots of friends and family round just can’t be arsed to make the effort to travel. They think the world revolves round the place they live.

We have similar. We’ve spent years travelling all over the country visiting people. My oldest friend last visited my town nearly 3 years ago for my 40tg and the 2years before that for my wedding but seems to always expect me to visit her as she lives about 20 min from my parents, but this then eats into that visit.

We have just decided to visit people who visit us.

I live in a similar situation after moving from another European city to the countryside. In my experience it is very common thing that the meeting up happens in the city rather than the country. Exactly why I am not sure, but a few thoughts: I was the one that moved away, and therefore it is up to me to make the effort to travel in to see them. They did not choose a country life, I did. Secondly, there really is a lot less to do here than in the city and it is a 90 min train ride to see a fairly average little town. If you aren't into walking and countryside, there is little of interest. Thirdly, my friends do visit me, but they always come for the weekend. Then it is about relaxing away from the city, going for a walk, eating and drinking and chatting. It turns a long day trip to somewhere uninteresting into a weekend getaway.

I suggest you invite them for the weekend.

Yep, you need to invite them to stay over

As others have said, they probably spend 2 hrs per day commuting all week, and unless they live next door to the train station it's probably.another hour or whatever each way on top of the journey to yours.

Why is it that you don’t want to invite them for dinner/overnight. I’d have to like someone very, very, very much indeed to spend 3.5-4 hours driving to them for a few daylight hours.