AIBU to be a little miffed when our friends from London don't want to come and see us in our small rural town?

[WhisperingPines]

DH and I live in a small, rural market town in 'the Heart of England', having moved out of London over 13 years ago. We still have friends in London who we've known for 20+ years and much longer. Most of them were born and brought up in London, others are not.

Whenever DH or I try to make arrangements to meet up with our friends, they always expect us to come down to London, never the other way round. One of my friends in London, for example, was born and brought up in a small market town but she really likes the big city life. She will suggest a 'day out' including lunch and visits in London because she thinks there is 'nothing to do' in our small town (she has visited once).

Don't get me wrong. I do like London - I think it's a great city - and I go there from time to time, to meet up with friends and see places of interest or to go shopping, but as our friends always expect us to come and see them it feels one-sided, with us always having to spend money on trains, buses and the underground, and taking out time to get to London (which usually turns into a whole day).

Our friends are all in the age group late 40s-60 and none of them have to take childcare into account as their kids are now old enough to look after themselves. Some don't have children. None of them have grandchildren either so I can't see what is stopping them.

Loopytiles
Why don’t you want people to stay over?

I would like friends to stay for the weekend but them staying over at our house would be a bit tricky. Bedroom 1 is where DH & I sleep, bedroom 2 is a home office/archives/book/storage room (I work from home) and we turned bedroom 3 into a dressing room/walk-in closet (DH & I have quite a lot of clothes, shoes, etc). There is no spare bedroom.

I suppose we could put people up in a local hotel or B&B (even though they are quite pricey) but it wouldn't be the same atmosphere as staying over in someone's home.

Yeh, I'm guessing they don't feel like you're very welcoming if there is nowhere to sleep in a house with two spare bedrooms!

There’s your answer then. You’ve guest proofed your house. How to make your friends feel welcome.

Sorry but you are expecting rather too much of people.

Gosh, I'm surprised that you have a 3-bedroom house but not even a sofabed for guests. I have a futon in my study and guests are always v welcome. But I guess this answers the question of why you don't get visitors.

It’s not a London v country thing. It’s a you left and they didn’t thing.

This. It's always the way.

I've moved away twice - in both cases less than an hour away. Visitors? Apart from my very best friends? Nah.

So you moved away 13 years ago and now only see them once or twice a year? In that case they have probably moved from being “friends” to “acquaintances”.

I would really focus on your local friends more. It’s really hard to maintain a close friendship for 13years if you aren’t seeing each other regularly, you drift apart and have less and less in common over time.

IrenetheQuaint
Gosh, I'm surprised that you have a 3-bedroom house but not even a sofabed for guests.

We have a single sofabed in our living room.

Bedroom 2 (home office, etc.) and bedroom 3 (dressing room) are full of stuff (we are not minimalist people!). Not nice to put a sofa bed in there.

If you want people to visit, then I suggest you rethink your two spare rooms and make one of them into a guest room/whatever room. My guest room doubles up as my office. It isn't hotel standard obviously, but it does well enough for a couple of nights.

I think this really is the answer to your question of why people don´t come. They will want to stay overnight when traveling that distance and they really aren't going to want to pay for a B&B.

Or give them your bedroom for the night and you sleep on the sofa

13 years of visits to the same small country town,not a single offer to stay?

Blimey Im surprised they still talk to you !

1. If they drive to visit you for the day, they can’t drink if you go to that lovely village pub etc
2. But you have stuffed your house with stuff, even though you moved away and wanted people to visit
3. They probably commute all week and want a rest at weekends
4. They probably have a succession of friends moved/ moving out of London in different directions all taking about wanting a better quality / slower pace of life and if they visit them all they’d be having alcohol free day trips to every market town from Swaffham to Banbury, oh joy.

Seriously, but in wardrobes, move the office to your dressing room, books in shelves downstairs and the-instate your spare room for guests. Have fun fabulous dinner get togethers with lots of good wine. Make them feel they have a home from home out of London, a fun bolt holes.

I come from a small market town in the Midlands and now live in South West London. If my mum comes to visit it takes her 1 hour 10 on the train into Kings Cross and it takes me 1 hour to get to Kings Cross to meet her. When I’m visiting her I would only ever go up if I was staying overnight or longer as it’s a minimum 3 hour train journey altogether or 2.5 - 5 hour drive ( around the M25). I’m afraid if I wasn’t visiting family there’s no way in hell I would be going back to visit that town.... it doesn’t have anything that I can’t find on my own doorstep within 30 minutes. But I do go to eat nice food and laze around with my family so if you’re determined to keep up the friendship I would consider how your home could be adapted to be more welcoming for guests.

If people visiting is important to you, you could clear out some stuff to make space for the occasional blow up double mattress in the “study” bedroom, or get a double sofa bed downstairs.

My sister is like this. She will organise family events near her home that everyone is expected to go to, but if anyone suggests having them near the branch of the family that live up here she says 'But it's an hour and a half journey.' Yes it is. Both ways.

I agree with pp’s. It’s not offering overnight stays that’s the problem. If i’m travelling 2 hours to go and see a friend and we have a nice dinner, drinks etc. The last thing I would want to do is make that journey home again that night. The fact that you’re ok with doing that doesn’t mean everyone is. Most people wouldn’t be. When my group of friends goes out for the evening, the ones who live 1hr+ away stay over with the rest of us, so they can relax and enjoy their evening too. You’re asking people to visit you but not being very welcoming.

Id agree the problem has become apparently we have guests who travel to see us, they always stay over and we have dinner and a few drinks, and spend the evening together.

The issue is you wish people yo travel to you then bugger off home early, and to go for a pub lunch, no drinking, or have a walk round the small town or the country side, or visit a stately home with you. It's not everyone's bag.

I think if you wish your friends to come visit you, then make some room for them, and invite them to come and stay, cook them a meal, a few drinks etc and you'll be fine.

The sort of visit you want them to do can of course be done, but to be honest, it's the sort of duty visit you do to elderly relatives, rather than socialising with friends.

Actually I'm curious do you invite them to your home at all? For example for lunch etc?