AIBU to be a little miffed when our friends from London don't want to come and see us in our small rural town?

[WhisperingPines]

DH and I live in a small, rural market town in 'the Heart of England', having moved out of London over 13 years ago. We still have friends in London who we've known for 20+ years and much longer. Most of them were born and brought up in London, others are not.

Whenever DH or I try to make arrangements to meet up with our friends, they always expect us to come down to London, never the other way round. One of my friends in London, for example, was born and brought up in a small market town but she really likes the big city life. She will suggest a 'day out' including lunch and visits in London because she thinks there is 'nothing to do' in our small town (she has visited once).

Don't get me wrong. I do like London - I think it's a great city - and I go there from time to time, to meet up with friends and see places of interest or to go shopping, but as our friends always expect us to come and see them it feels one-sided, with us always having to spend money on trains, buses and the underground, and taking out time to get to London (which usually turns into a whole day).

Our friends are all in the age group late 40s-60 and none of them have to take childcare into account as their kids are now old enough to look after themselves. Some don't have children. None of them have grandchildren either so I can't see what is stopping them.

You lost me at village fete. Can think of nothing worse!

Gosh yes, the prospect of a village fete would have me desperately inventing an alternative engagement.

I can't resist linking to my favourite Stewart Lee episode on this issue (from about 10 mins in):

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b011675d/stewart-lees-comedy-vehicle-series-2-2-london

As someone that’s moved out, I think your issues are;

1. when you go to London, you can combine visits and see other people/do stuff.

2. lots of people do London for a day trip but you’re less likely to go out to random village x for a day trip. An overnight stag would feel different- like you’re on a mini break.

3. if you’re not that close, meeting someone in central London for an hour isn’t as much effort for them either. They can combine seeing you with other stuff but a trip to you will take up the whole day.

So basically, I think you need to realise you’re perhaps not as close as you first thought but also that if you want people to come, you need to put them up overnight.

But what if you don’t like countryside walks and village fetes and quaint market towns? What if that’s generally your idea of hell? Even when I holiday I prefer cities and city breaks (as do the kids!). The only exception being a beach holiday. So the idea of driving 2 hours for a walk, a pub lunch and a village fete is just not my thing.
I can stay in the countryside with my family for a few days visiting them but then I am visiting them not the countryside.

If you want a pub lunch and a walk, why can’t you guys meet somewhere in the middle?

I hear you, OP. When I left London, I would travel back to see friends, but only one of those friends would also travel out of London to see me. In the end, I stopped the one-sided return visits, because I felt like a mug. I've lost touch with all the people I used to know in London now, apart from that one friend. It turned out that leaving London meant that I also lost all my friends.

It's interesting that some of you are so anti 'village fete' yet in London 'local festivals' seem to be massively popular. They are essentially the same thing. Just sometimes on a bigger scale.

i Generally loathe village fêtes but go to one by walking a mile or two across fields with wild
Flower garlands in our hair (all west these) as this was an ancient very local and very lovely celebration - no bunting in sight thank god. (Have réal loathing of bunting).

I only go to our local festival because often my kid’s school will do something there or I will run into neighbours and friends. I am not travelling two bloody hours for it! I am not there for the actual festival I am there for the people.

And so if I want to meet a friend I am happy to meet half way (please don’t drag me to your village for a fete- I’d rather see you for a meal). If you come to London as I said earlier I would assume that the person was doing other things. I wouldn’t expect someone to come to London on a two hour trip just to see one person. If that’s not your thing, again meet mid way.
And if you want people to come and spend time with you (not the countryside!) then invite them to stay the night or whatever.

I think it's a mindset, London is a day trip, countryside is a weekend, I know it's not fair but it's how I think. In my mind countryside is for relaxing in, I can't relax if I have to thinking about getting a train back the same day.

If you moved you will make more effort but they should come less often. Friends do drift over time. Meet some new ppl as well

Bluntness100
The clue here is they have been once and think there is nothing to do. Which begs the question what did you do with them when they did come that's led them to this conclusion? For whatever reason when they did make the effort they have left thinking there was nothing to do.

They drove from London for the day to see me. This was fairly soon after DH & I moved here. At the time our house was being stripped and done up by tradesmen (rewiring, re-plastering, new flooring, etc) so it was like a building site which meant we weren't able to put our friends up. Our friends knew this.

I showed them around the beautiful historic town in which we live, we looked around the local independent shops, had lunch and drinks somewhere, chatted a lot, then dinner in a local restaurant. They wanted to see me, and our house and where we had moved to. They thought the town was charming and friendly but nothing more.

I must admit, the historic town centre here is very small so it doesn't take long to walk around.

I don’t understand why you don’t just invite them up for the weekend? The fact is, you miss them more than they miss you, because they still have each other to socialise with. So you have to be the one to make the effort to travel, or solve the problem by inviting them to stay for the weekend. Also, to you the journey doesn’t seem hard because you are used to doing it and you chose to leave. When you’re in the London bubble the thought of travelling out of it can be daunting. Unfortunately that’s just a fact.

Or maybe for them it was a more a friendship of convenience.

Are you offering weekend accommodation or just a day trip? It's a bit different asking people to travel up to a smallish town just to basically eat lunch as there's nothing else really to do as opposed to inviting them for the weekend, go walking, pub lunch half way, bbq in the evening etc. Whereas going to London for the day makes more sense. I don't live in London (born there) and none of my extended family have ever visited me (immediate do) it's just not the same the other way around.

Market towns in all honesty tend to be boring apart from actually eating, pretty to live in but boring.

Op it does sound very dull. Not everyone wants to go to a fete, take walks around and just pass time. Theres just so many options in london at the drop of a hat.

I wouldn't travel 1.5 hours each way to visit a friend and not stay over anyway.

We live an hour from London and it would never occur to me not to offer a weekend. I don’t expect friends to travel here and back in a day. After dinner and a few drinks, who wants a couple of hours travelling? Much nicer to stagger off to bed and have a leisurely breakfast the next morning.

They thought the town was charming and friendly but nothing more.

What more did you expect them to think?

Market towns can be lovely to live in, but not that interesting to visit, especially multiple visits. It's a long way to travel for a day trip, especially if they have other friends and activities on their doorstep. You made the decision to move away and in honesty they aren't obliged to travel to keep the friendship up.

You could invite them to stay for a weekend and suggest some different activities.

Or you could continue meeting them in London, and perhaps combine visits with multiple friends or do other things on the same trip to make the journey feel more worthwhile for you.

While I do travel to see my friends and am happy to do so most of the time I have one friend who has said similar to you about travel time.

The problem is though that they seem to have forgotten is that yes from the city centre it is 1-30 hours to rural village but to get to the city from the area I live is another 40 mins on top.

So the reality is to visit this friend it takes 2 buses and a train and about 2-15 hours of travel to get there which is fine if the person is nice and hasn't just said well I come to you (once a year during the peak holiday time and I'm just a person they see while they are "touristing") it only takes just over an hour.

Not for me it doesn't?

For the other 99% of my friends that have moved I absolutely travel because I love them.

Hmm an unwanted question mark turned up!

Not that I mind going to London. London is a very interesting place. One never gets bored there

I guess I get miffed by my friends' misconception that there is 'nothing to do' around here. They're missing out

I would say that for whatever reason your London friends don't enjoy the activities on offer in your market town. They wanted to visit once to see where you live, but they don't want to see the town again. You say you never get bored visiting London, but the reverse isn't true, they find a day in your town a boring destination. They aren't missing out as their interests and personalities are different to yours.

Personally I love country walks, others find them very boring. Looking round a historic town and independent shops would make me want to tear my hair out however, I really wouldn't be keen to travel to spend a day doing this repeatedly, even if it meant letting a friendship drift.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu

You say you never get bored visiting London, but the reverse isn't true, they find a day in your town a boring destination.

Honestly, that sounds judgmental. What makes a historic market town any less interesting than a bigger town? Do you really believe that all small towns are boring? Why do so many people go to the book festival in Hay-on-Wye, for example? Or the the Cheltenham Festival?

I have been living in London 12 years now but to be honest there is only so many times you can go to the big museums or whatever. The only time now I go to the main museums is for a specific event. But small towns will have plenty of specific events happening too. I'm sorry but if people think it's fine for the OP to travel down to London, do lunch and then visit some random exhibition at the V&A or something then I can not understand why her friends can't travel to her, do lunch and go see a random exhibition at a museum where she lives. What is the difference.

What makes a historic market town any less interesting than a bigger town? Do you really believe that all small towns are boring? Why do so many people go to the book festival in Hay-on-Wye, for example? Or the the Cheltenham Festival?

Well it depends on the person's interests. Some people will prefer to visit pretty small towns to cities. Others won't find much to interest them in a small town, they prefer the city atmosphere, world-class sights, variety of activities etc. It's not judgemental to have personal preferences. Loads of people say they dislike visiting London due to the noise, business, pollution, dirtiness - I don't say they are being judgemental, just that they have certain tastes.

Personally I love visiting countryside, and I like visiting good cities to visit world-class museums etc, but I dislike pottering around shops, cafes, so-so museums and sights, which is what has happened whenever I've visited random small towns. If someone invited me for a country walk on the other hand I'd be keen. It depends on the person's interests.

Visiting a small town for a large event eg book festival is different to visiting at other times. And obviously not everyone likes visiting these festivals either.

I am actually hoping to move to a small town next year for a better quality of family life. So I don't have anything against small towns. But I'd expect to visit most old friends in London, unless they had a particular interest in my area. I like visiting London, there's loads to do and I'd probably want to do some things eg get particular types of food, it's where I met them, I would be choosing to move away. Living in a small town of your choice is different to repeatedly travelling for a day trip to a small town of someone else's choice.

i Don’t really understand all this emphasis on “there’s nothing to do/no activities” - surely for this kind of day trip, its more about old friends catching up and chewing the breeze for a couple of hours. Preferably sat in the kitchen or the garden or down the pub.