AIBU to be a little miffed when our friends from London don't want to come and see us in our small rural town?

[WhisperingPines]

DH and I live in a small, rural market town in 'the Heart of England', having moved out of London over 13 years ago. We still have friends in London who we've known for 20+ years and much longer. Most of them were born and brought up in London, others are not.

Whenever DH or I try to make arrangements to meet up with our friends, they always expect us to come down to London, never the other way round. One of my friends in London, for example, was born and brought up in a small market town but she really likes the big city life. She will suggest a 'day out' including lunch and visits in London because she thinks there is 'nothing to do' in our small town (she has visited once).

Don't get me wrong. I do like London - I think it's a great city - and I go there from time to time, to meet up with friends and see places of interest or to go shopping, but as our friends always expect us to come and see them it feels one-sided, with us always having to spend money on trains, buses and the underground, and taking out time to get to London (which usually turns into a whole day).

Our friends are all in the age group late 40s-60 and none of them have to take childcare into account as their kids are now old enough to look after themselves. Some don't have children. None of them have grandchildren either so I can't see what is stopping them.

I have the opposite problem!

We live in London and all our country friends expect us to go and visit them.

Massive pain in the arse!

YANBU, their is nothing special about London, or any big city. They are all the same

Er yes @Backwoodsgirl just like all of the countryside is exactly the same yeah?

Honestly what an inane comment!

Isn't it just that rather than them all individually coming to visit you, if you travel to London you can catch up with a whole host of people at once? Maybe make an event of it, a summer BBQ and invite the whole crowd.

I also second the suggestion of offering to put them up overnight, you might be happy to travel an hour and forty five minutes each way but some people don't relish travelling for three and a half hours in a day.

I think it depends what the visit is for. If it’s to have friends over, stay home and catch up, why not come to you.

If it’s to go out to a club or bar or do something a little out of the ordinary, I can see why they’d think London was the better option.

Ivegotthree

We live in London and all our country friends expect us to go and visit them. Massive pain in the arse!

Why is that? Why wouldn't you go and see your friends in the countryside? Don't you like the countryside? Or is it that they won't come and see you in London and that it's one-sided?

Since you aren't offering to put up your friends, it may well be that they see it as you far for a day trip.

Well it’s the same distance either way no matter who travels.

Actually I don’t like the countryside. I can do a few walks but it’s not my thing. I like urban city life. It’s why I chose London. So I am happy to meet friends but it’s a long way to go to meet that person. If you asked your friends to meet you for a pub lunch somewhere mid way they might be more interested.
My sister lives very rurally. I find it beyond dull to visit her. But we get on well, I enjoy her company, the kids love their cousins and obviously we stay for a few days. That’s fine. But to see one friend/family I can’t see myself making a regular two hour trip.

I would assume if you came to London you wouldn’t just come to meet me, but do something else which would make the round trip and long day worth your while. I honestly have very very little interest in the countryside.

I wouldn't travel to see friends who live rurally for a day doing a 3-4 hour round trip.

OP you say it's only 90 minutes one way but in reality with train delays, tube issues and/or roadworks it is more likely a 4 hour round trip. At least if you are inside London and your journey screws up there is normally another route you can take.

I do a lot of traveling for work and due to the crap travel infrastructure in this country 4 out of 5 times there is some sort of delay.

They should give you the opportunity to host them in your home.

To make it fair can you say "how about you come to us as last time we cane to you".

Make a list of things you can actually do where you are to sell the idea to your friends.

Offer to host them over night. I would never do a 3-4 hr round trip for a days visit.

I moved out of London too, similar travel time to you OP. A couple of friends have made the effort to come out and we usually alternate who travels, sometimes they stay over, sometimes we stay over there, sometimes it's a day trip. Not usually more than 2-3 times a year as everyone is busy but it does happen.

Those are v close friends who I typically saw regularly when I lived in London. Other friends I will see if I'm in London but they wouldn't think to come out here.

I do think there is a frustrating inability to see beyond the M25 with some Londoners, in fact it can take just as long to travel from eg NW London to SE London as it does from London to here but somehow the journey outside of the M25 is seen as so much more of a trek/difficult/lengthy etc.

I also think that if you're the one who has moved away that you perhaps want to keep in contact more than the group of friends you've left behind as they still have each other to socialise with.

We live a similar distance but have the opposite experience - we have one free weekend between now and August bank holiday.
Difference is we wouldn’t dream of not putting our friends up overnight and in 20 years of country living we have never had people down just for the day. That’s the whole point of visiting friends in country - to get out of London and totally chill, not to race down there and back in a day.

I have a lot of friends and family in London and to be honest for most of them the issue is driving. They are so used to public transport that when they do drive they don’t often enjoy it; they also find public transport outside London expensive as it’s so heavily subsidised in London.

Another factor to consider is that sometimes just leaving parts of London by car can add an hour to any journey due to traffic (even in the weekend). So if you’re in the Midlands that 2 hour journey could take them 3 hours on certain routes.

The thing is, unless your friends live opposite St Pancras (or wherever) it is NOT 1:45 for them, it is 1:45 plus travel time to St Pancras, which might be another 45 mins on top. So five hours of travelling, just to get a pub lunch.

Yes if you’re doing it then they should do it if they want to keep the friendship going. But maybe they’ve decided that actually they don’t value the friendship enough to do it and are happy to see you when you are in London but aren’t fussed otherwise? Can you focus on making local friends and downgrade your old buddies to FB/WhatsApp friends only?

All those people saying it's hard for the London friends to travel to get to the OP, she's DOING THE EXACT SAME JOURNEY to visit them!!!

@sara - I do a similar journey to OP to London; and she hasn’t said she goes to their houses (just that they meet and it’s probably somewhere central) . It’s always, always easier to travel to Central London from elsewhere than from London itself, especially when you aren’t going to the suburbs. Parts of ‘London’ take close to 2 hours travel time to central London while parts of the Midlands can take 30mins depending on the location!

Tbh I wouldn’t want to travel 4 hours on the train to visit friends in one day

Yet I’d travel to London on the train for an hour and a half each way to go to do something in London

The former id do with an overnight stay, so supper in the evening etc was added on ( my treat etc)

sara and obviously she thinks it’s worth the effort, and they don’t 🤷‍♀️

Friendships shouldn’t be such hard work. If you like your friends, you go out of your way to visit them sometimes and yes, I mean they should be visiting you sometimes too. Don’t make a big deal of it but I would phase them out if they really can’t be arsed making some effort for you.

I live outside of New York. I feel your pain, sister.

Sorry, there is no way I would spend a precious weekend day travelling for three hours on public transport when I do that for work M-F! And I wouldn't expect you to do the same either.

Maybe your friends feel the same as me.

They're missing out: beautiful countryside, quaint villages, historic market towns, stately homes, village fetes, countryside pubs, going for walks, etc.

Honestly that sounds boring as hell. Sorry op, I would do it once or maybe twice just so that I please my friends but I honestly would prefer to stay put.

I think I’m going to say the impolite thing but here goes, maybe they’re just not that into you? 🤷‍♀️

I think it is probably a you moved away thing too. The person that moves away seems to have to make the effort more than the person that stayed put.

Since you aren't offering to put up your friends, it may well be that they see it as you far for a day trip.

Surely it's the same journey both ways, if the OP can manage it why can't they? I have found that for some London residents if it's not on a Tube line it doesn't exist.