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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked that every weekend is taken up WITHOUT me

280 replies

treehousemaster · 25/05/2019 16:36

Simply that ... every weekend over the last couple of months my boyfriend of one year is busy . Occasions such as a wedding( that I was invited to but not brought) to family big birthday parties to friends events and sports .there is no reason for me not to go to any of these but I simply haven't been invited or even seen him before or after . So for example, the sports event may be on Saturday afternoon so he says he isn't free on the friday night having seen him only once during the week ... or later Saturday evening as he is tired and so I may see him for the afternoon on Sunday. AIBU or am I being demanding

OP posts:
Original poster
treehousemaster · 25/05/2019 23:49

I know that you think I'm trying to drown out your advice but I'm really not at all t. I am trying to make sense of him involving me to the extent that he does in his family , yet when it comes to me personally or as a couple in our own right, he has very little interest in truth and I feel like I'm way way down his list of priorities .

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 25/05/2019 23:51

Why are you with him?

What do you get out of the relationship?

Stiffasaboard · 25/05/2019 23:51

OP have you considered that the events he is willing to take you to are the ones where there is zero potential of him hooking up with anyone else?
The family events and the one on ones with a close friend.

But the nights out, the weddings the actual social events where one would consider they may meet a new partner or even just a hook up- you aren’t invited.

In you he has a sort of girlfriend- someone he can see as and when he chooses and that he gets on ok with and is loyal and polite to his family but that he isn’t so enamoured with that he wants to actual hang out with all the time or plans to do fun things together.

How wonderful for him. How handy.

And when those party events that you aren’t invited to allow him to meet someone he really falls for them he can just wave you off as he hasn’t actually invested any time or feeling into you.

I wonder OP what your own relationship history is if you are willing to have settled
for this for a year?
Have you never been with anyone who you adore and love to be with and look forward to seeing again even ten minutes after you parted?
Do you genuinely think what you have now is all you can hope for?

Weenurse · 25/05/2019 23:52

You are his beard, to be paraded on family occasions so they don’t hassle him about his love life.
You are then put back in your box until he needs to reassure the family again.

Original poster
treehousemaster · 25/05/2019 23:53

He is funny and kind. He is great company and I love that he has such a solid relationship with his family whom he adores and adore him.he has his life sorted and is intelligent and caring ... when we are together ..

OP posts:
TapasForTwo · 25/05/2019 23:54

I think he uses you to keep his family off his back about finding a girlfriend.

Sorry, not what you wanted to hear.

Theworldisfullofgs · 25/05/2019 23:55

That's lots of things about his personal attributes.

But what do you get out of the relationship?

Original poster
treehousemaster · 25/05/2019 23:56

I never thought of it like that @Stiffasaboard 😥

OP posts:
DinkyTie · 25/05/2019 23:58

He brings you to family events because they're asking about a girlfriend, when will he settle etc and you're a good deflection.

OP don't let anyone treat you like this! I met dh at 28 and saw him once during the week and Fri-Sun night for 3 months. Then we moved in together.

TheFaerieQueene · 25/05/2019 23:58

If he is so great, why do you post about your relationship?

Sparklesocks · 25/05/2019 23:58

It’s not that complicated - if he wanted to involve you, he would. There isn’t really anything you can read into based on occasionally involving you in family stuff. The fact is you are invited to weddings but he doesn’t want to take you. When he plans his weekends, you are way down the list.

The choices are simpler than you think, either you:

  1. understand that you aren’t his priority and that he doesn’t want you to mix with all areas of his life. Realise you want a partner who prioritises you more, and leave him.

Or

  1. understand the first part of the above, but stay with him in the hopes it changes.

If you opt for #2 you are essentially damning yourself to solitary weekend upon weekend of wondering why you weren’t included, and hoping next weekend will be different.

No amount of posting on MN to make sense of things will change anything. The bottom line is always the same.

Original poster
treehousemaster · 25/05/2019 23:58

I get someone who treats me nicely when we're together . He makes me laugh, he is clever and interesting . He includes me as one of the family

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 26/05/2019 00:00

Like a sister?

bluebell34567 · 26/05/2019 00:00

op you said he is with his family and he turned off his phone.
isnt that weird?

ineedaholidaynow · 26/05/2019 00:01

Is it because you have a dysfunctional family that you want to stay with him, as you feel included in his family? In a way you both seem to be using each other

Original poster
treehousemaster · 26/05/2019 00:01

Maybe . I hope not . It is of utmost importance to him that his family really
Like me . He has said this often

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 26/05/2019 00:02

Op, the only thing you need to ask yourself is:

Is this the relationshio you want?

Original poster
treehousemaster · 26/05/2019 00:02

He often turns off his phone if he is away with them or with friends .

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 26/05/2019 00:05

What do you want in a relationship?

Do you think he is willing to be in that kind of relationship with you?

And if you think being with him is better than being alone...then that is the pathway to cutting off opportunities to being real, really real with someone else.
Being alone in a pretend relationship is much worse than being on your own with options in front of you. You could waste your life waiting.

Readysetcake · 26/05/2019 00:07

It really doesn’t sound promising. I was going away with my now DH’s family after a year together.
I think the best thing to do is be honest with him. Tell him you feel shut out and hurt. Ask him where does he see the relationship going. I know it’s scary to have these conversations as you might not like the answers. But you can’t go on torturing yourself. You deserve so much better than to be picked and put down whenever he feels like it.

Original poster
treehousemaster · 26/05/2019 00:07

I want marriage, kids, stability . I just want to be loved

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 26/05/2019 00:10

You deserve more and better

Redshoeblueshoe · 26/05/2019 00:11

I thought when you previously posted and everyone suggested he might be gay, you said that actually makes sense, and that you were thinking of dumping him.
Basically he doesn't give a fuck about you.
You need to do something about your self esteem

Theworldisfullofgs · 26/05/2019 00:11

How old are you?
How long are you going to give it if you want marriage, kids etc.

(And I'm sorry but I dont think he loves you. If he did he would want to spend time with you, make you an integral part of your life.)

ReanimatedSGB · 26/05/2019 00:11

TBH I wonder if he is actually trying to get rid of you and you are refusing to let go. Has he suggested splitting up before but you howled and screamed and begged, by any chance? He doesn't want to take you to family events, he doesn't want you to pop round for sex... he doesn't really want to see you at all, does he?

Whatever: this man is not your lifetime partner. He really isn't bothered about you. just put him out of your mind and move on.

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