About OH & money

[Anonymous3286]

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

I was under the impression the op has bailed him out by £1000s

What made you think that?

This is all the OP has said, I contribute what I can & also have lent / given him lots of other money.

I’m just thinking back to when I first lived with my EX. We purchased a house together and split bills 50/50. Despite me being a poorly paid receptionist and him earning good money as an electrician. We didn’t combine our money we paid 50/50. That is until I had the DC and could only work part time. Then I paid for the food l, Holidays, clubs and clothes. Presents etc while he paid mortgage and household bills. I never really thought about it before but in my head I had given up my career to be a SAHM with 3 DC so small pension and reduced earnings. The difference is I jointly owned the property. We never married and after 28 years together we split the house 50/50. I feel a bit guilty now that maybe I should have received less as I contributed less

'I was asking really If people thought money I’d saved b4 I met him should b spent on bills when he’s had opportunities to save as well hence the whole thread!'

Given your earnings, it is likely that you would have spent your savings on a market rental and he has not had much opportunity to save subsiding you and your daughter.

'If you are supposed to be giving up your savings to help Dp what is he doing in return'.

Putting a roof over her and her Dad's head at a minimal cost that allows her to keep her savings.

DD's, not Dad's

OP also says that she has child benefit and child maintenance as well as what she earns. I suspect that by the time you've ncluded all the payments Such as running a car, insurance, clothes etc, that come out of her OH's "disposable" income, they are not all that far apart in terms of money left over.

Also, if they've previously had a system of OP paying less because she earns less, then why doesn't that just switch round when her OH earns less? He will presumably be able to claim some benefits when made redundant. They need to work together as a couple to work out how to budget on a lower income.

Yabu, I haven't read all the posts so sorry if I missed something but I payed my mum more than that 16 years ago in digs when I lived at home, I would expect, in a partnership to help the other when the other needs it?

I pay £450 towards household bills and food.. my own outgoings as well are a car, Petrol, my DDs clubs, clothes etc, my mobile phone so after that’s all paid I have about £150- £200 pm left. The mortgage on the flat is about £500

That's more than enough outgoings on an income of £800pm and I fail to see how anyone can't understand you won't be able to cover more bills. You don't earn enough.

Those banging on about you having a cushy number are just horrible. He's 'putting a roof over your head' as if you don't contribute a thing? You are his partner not an acquaintance. You're not sponging off him.

You're paying out over 1/2 your monthly income in bills and shopping. You're not costing him anything. + He's not paying for household food nor is he paying all the bills so he's doing ok isn't he?

I'd have thought he has savings, he has almost £2000pm left after paying mortgage. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is financially irresponsible. Those suggesting you've got it cushy and should move out (just like that 🙄) well then if you did you may not be that worse off depending on if you can claim Tax Credits, single person Council Tax discount etc. & Although you didn't mention it, you must get Child Benefit.

You are in a very vulnerable financial position yourself. Unmarried, name not on mortgage. You'd have been better off not moving in. As it is, you have so if you can stump up another £100 say, then all well and good but you won't be able to provide much more than that will you? It is what it is

I’m glad iv got lots of nice friends and family who care as well and know more xx

Maybe they’ll put you up for £50 a week?

Unpopular opinion here, but provided he's happy with your contribution, you should not be using your savings to pay off his debts. Short term support during redundancy, possibly, but what would he do if he didn't have your savings?

More to the point, what will he do when your savings are gone you aren't as useful to him? The fact he didn't pay you back before when he had a job would suggest that he's definitely not going to pay you back without a job, and then there'll always be an excuse.

Regardless of the split of bills (which could be debated all day), if he promised repayment of your savings and hasn't, he at best just doesn't respect you, at worst intends to use up your savings to clear his own debts and will then look for a better off partner.

If these are the joint bills like you said..

Mortgage £530
Council tax £140
Water £40
Elec / gas £80
Internet £40
Tv licence £12
Food £250

Then you should be paying half of everything not including the mortgage. It’s his home and I wouldn’t be paying towards it unless you register and interest in it.

That’s £281. Which would be your half of the bills even if you paid £350 because of your DD.

Your £450 is enough.

Sindragosan

He’s not happy. He was, but now he is being made redundant, and he needs her to contribute.

You are his partner not an acquaintance.

If that is true, she needs to chip in to the best of her ability.

sindragosan her partner offered to pay her back and OP said not to bother. We don't know what the extra money was needed for either. It could well have been for buying something of benefit to the OP.

I think the issue is that OH hasn't bothered saving when he had the opportunity. Depending on what his redundancy package is (and I'd have him use that to put towards bills before dipping into my savings) then I'd help but under the understanding that he is more responsible with money in the future.

why do you think its fair for her to not pay equal amount towards to livings costs for her and her Dd

Exactly what are these expenses that are more than the £450 that op gives.

If op left the Dp would still have to pay for the
Mortgage £530
Council tax £140 might get a discount of £70
Water £40
Elec / gas £80 take away £40 for op not being there
Internet £40
Tv licence £12
Food £250 which op pays for so probably £100 more.

I think op is more than covering her bit.

If op left the Dp would still have to pay for the Mortgage £530

That argument could be used for CF who repeatedly sponge lifts from people. ‘Oh, but they (poor sod) will still have to pay the car costs and petrol anyway, whether the CF was there or not!’

What about the rent/mortgage costs (or public transport costs in the case of the liftzillas) that the CF somehow think they simply don’t have to pay any more?!

If op left the Dp would still have to pay for the
Mortgage £530

Not an argument for me to house anybody.

he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry

This really is where its unreasonable. First time he borrowed money and couldn't pay it back you should have considered what you both wanted from a relationship. Bringing it up when someone is in a poor financial situation and facing redundancy is unreasonable and unsupportive.

We're not going to know if the money benefited both or not, but waiting until deep financial straits to discuss it isn't a good plan.

"He'd have to pay those costs anyway"

True. But there's now 3 people in the house. And he should get some financial benefit of shared costs, not just the OP. And he has never asked for it. Until now.

The point was that now the DH is facing redundancy, he asked the OP to contribute more, and she refused.

That's the unreasonable bit.

You can't take all the benefit, and then say too bad when then chips are down.

It would be reasonable for someone to pay half the interest on the mortgage plus a small amount for additional wear and tear. It would be unreasonable for the partner to be paying off their mortgage for them. I once lived with a guy who already owned a flat. If I hadn't lived with him I would have bought my own flat and my monthly rent would be paying off my own mortgage - he wanted me to live with him but didn't want to give me equity in his flat (fair enough) so I'm not going to pay his mortgage off for him.

As a partner in the relationship I'd be willing to help more if my partner was on the bones of his arse but it would annoy me if he repeatedly didn't save then couldn't manage when unexpected eventualities meant he needed savings.

But there's now 3 people in the house. And he should get some financial benefit of shared costs, not just the OP. And he has never asked for it

But he has been getting the financial benefit because OP has been paying him every month and the bills won't have gone up by three times (the heating bill will be pretty much the same, you still only need one light on if three people are in a room compared to one etc) and he has been getting all his food paid for!

@CripsSandwiches

Nobody is disputing that she's contributing. However she and her daughter are living all in for £450 a month. She is the main beneficiary of the deal. My daughter at uni pays more than that.

And now the chips are down she's refusing to contribute more, even in the short term while he finds another job.

It's always eluded me why people object to paying someone else's mortgage - it's exactly what people who rent a property are doing.

Yeah I agree with @DeeCeeCherry and @Oliversmumsarmy

If op had come on saying I earn x and he earns x, should we pay 50/50 which leaves him with a lot more disposable income - people would be saying no, you pay proportionate to your income.