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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About OH & money

251 replies

Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 01:09

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

OP posts:
MiraculousMarinette · 24/05/2019 12:55

It is very stressful when half of couple are about to lose their income but it's just life and I'm sure you'll get through this. It really looks like there isn't other option but for you to dip into your savings. The bills will need to be paid after all, won't they?

Presumably, once he's lost the job you will be eligible for some benefits and he'll be looking for a new job? Will there be redundancy payout? It might not be as devastating as you think.

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 12:59

He was happy to pay more as he earnt more.
I am not bashing you...
This is just a case of for a while things will be different...
Maybe this is a good time to ask if he will let you do the budgeting as your better at it...
Also the big question, do you want to be with him or not....

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 13:01

They were the joint bills ... the other things u mention we both pay for them ourselves? He’s being made redundant & I’m pretty sure he’ll find another job he’s not a bum (& before I open myself up haha I’m not either) and when my dd is at school I can get more hours. Lol this group is pretty brutal I’m actually enjoying it now Hahaha x

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 24/05/2019 13:02

He needs to look into what redundancy pay he will get and apply for whatever benefits as soon as he can.

You need to ensure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to, look to improve your work/income situation, make sure the CM is right, claim child benefit (surely that must be on top of your £800pm?) and support him through this period however you can.

I think if he was happy with your contribution then it's fine, it's proportionate to your incomes. But the situation has changed and unless you all want to be homeless, of course you now have to help out more.

If you don't want to help then you need to re-evaluate the whole relationship.

If he is really bad with money and this cannot be fixed, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship, I understand, I am a saver and low spender and I can't live with people who are bad with money, it just doesn't work for me.

I don't actually think you should pay half each. I think he should pay the mortgage and you should pay half each of the remaining bills, plus you pay a token towards 'rent' - which is more or less what you have been doing.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 13:02

Oh yes, I bet it’s a right laugh. Hmm

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 13:02

I am glad you won't have to worry for too long....

fedup21 · 24/05/2019 13:05

House, contents and life insurance?

desparate4sleep · 24/05/2019 13:16

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time OP. I absolutely don't think you should spend all your savings on his mortgage when he is financially irresponsible. All you can do is try to reduce your outgoings, try to scrimp more on food shopping and pay extra from what is left (I know this won't be much). Also could you do an extra shift while he does childcare until he gets something else? So you are.contributing more and making sacrifices but that should not touch your savings. What would he do if you didn't have any savings?

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 13:18

What would he do if you didn't have any savings?

But she does have savings. She has benefited from a financial arrangement whereby she has paid less in rent and bills than she would have virtually anywhere else, which is the only reason she still has savings. People struggling to pay rent and bills on current income do have to use saved money. It isn’t sacred. Why should she get to have a roof over head but keep all her money?

Icandothisallday · 24/05/2019 13:22

Its seems both of you only view the telatio shol as a partnership when it suits you.

Icandothisallday · 24/05/2019 13:23

relationship as a partnership

Icandothisallday · 24/05/2019 13:24

He lack of savings wasnr an issue when OP was getting away with cheap living costs for her and her child though.

BitterSweenSyn · 24/05/2019 13:25

You want him to be more responsible with money so he can continue to subsidise you, but you don’t want to share your money. Yes, YABU.

100% this

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 13:26

herculepoirot2 What’s your actual problem? Have you been screwed over by someone & it’s making u feel better to go in on me? Can I ask what u do for a living and what if financial set up is please?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 24/05/2019 13:28

It’s none of your business what other people do for a living or how they work their finances.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 13:28

Anonymous3286

No, I have no need to share details of my life with anybody. I am not asking people for a view on my situation. You were. My problem - if I am totally honest - is that I think you are using your OH for the financial benefits he gives you, and I think it’s horrible behaviour.

Original poster
Anonymous3286 · 24/05/2019 13:32

Yeah & uv given me your opinion over and over and over again I get it! But u lot hav been asking for more details so I gave them & still going on it doesn’t matter what I say Ull twist it

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 24/05/2019 13:32

Urgh OP, you are being ridiculous with you "haha's and LOLs". You didn't get the answers you wanted to are now trying to goad people? Weird.

Anyways, YABU to happily pay reduced rent and then moan that you OH needs your support when he is paying the bulk of it. You would not find anywhere to rent on your own for that cheap so maybe show a bit of gratitude and act like a partner?
Why are you even with him because referring to him as "this person" and not showing any empathy towards his redundancy makes it seem like you don't even like him and are just using him for a cheap roof over you and your DD's heads.

herculepoirot2 · 24/05/2019 13:33

What has been twisted?

GreytExpectations · 24/05/2019 13:36

Actually @Anonymous3286 , I agree with herculepoirot2 you very clearly seem bothered by her opinions so are acting quite defensive. Don't post on AIBU if you refuse to accept that you not being reasonable. At the end of the day you are using your OH for a place to live at a significantly reduced rate and now that he may not be able to provide that you are annoyed.
Leave him, I think he deserves better.

VanGoghsDog · 24/05/2019 13:40

House, contents and life insurance?

Flats usually don't have buildings insurance, it's in the service charge, contents and life insurance are not compulsory (neither is buildings but mortgage providers usually insist on it).

I've never had life insurance.

SpecterLitt · 24/05/2019 13:40

No one has twisted anything?

You have this attitude of what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine. Yet you try and hide this with the fact you have a daughter. You fail to realise that this partner of yours has subsidised you both for many years and when it's his time of need you don't want to help.

Yes you do appear to be a user and rather selfish. I almost hope this situation is a wake up call for him and he does decide that he can do better and be with someone who actually sees him as an equal. Your attitude shows you don't really value the relationship and this is all just some sort of convenience for you and your daughter. That is now how relationships work. Perhaps it is best you live on your own with your daughter.

As said before, good luck finding somewhere else to live on as little as £450 a month. If this was a man saying this about his partner and having this attitude, you would have had a hell of a rough ride here and many would have said that you should be kicked out. You've actually been dealt with rather well, and offered sound advice and perspectives.

Here's hoping your partner realises he can do better than this, this is his time of need and support. I hope he does manage to land himself a new job soon and tells you to leave. You can continue your relationship in separate houses as clearly you don't see this relationship as a joint effort.

SpecterLitt · 24/05/2019 13:42

Also your "hahahahaha" are fucking annoying and show how immature you are. You honestly do not sound like a decent person at all, but selfish and entitled does come to mind. It's a shame many decent women end up with horrid partners, yet horrid women somehow end up with decent men. The world is a funny place.

KittyVonCatsington · 24/05/2019 13:46

Mortgage £530
Council tax £140
Water £40
Elec / gas £80
Internet £40
Tv licence £12
Food £250

You missed out house insurance, contents and building insurance. I wonder what else your OH pays that you haven't realised.

GreytExpectations · 24/05/2019 13:48

What advice do you think people should give you? Here is some pretty simple advice for you and i'll give you a few options you should pick from:

1.) Be a decent, loving partner and support you OH through this redundancy. Both emotionally and financially.
2.) Move out and live independently so you can keep your precious money safe
3.) Leave him

You need to stop with his "I've supported him before" mindset, supporting each other is part of a relationship, its not a "3 strikes" situation!
You have not had as much of a bashing as you would have done if you were a man saying all of this. Do reflect on whats been said and understand why you are getting these opinions.