About OH & money

[Anonymous3286]

Right il try keep this brief ... I live with my OH in his house it’s all in his name ... I basically just give him £200pm towards bills and get all our food with is about £250pm. I earn £800 pm ... he pays everything else. I also have a few thousand in a savings account I put away for my DD (4) for our future / house / emergencies.. Now my OH is most likely going to be made redundant shortly.. he earns a lot more than me prob 3 times what I do ... he manages to spend all his money every month rarely puts anything by he does hav a lot of outgoings but could always save something but rarely does ... he said if he gets made redundant I may need to help out more with bills ... am I being unreasonable to say no? I really worked hard to save & went without a lot & several times in the past iv lent / bailed him out (on top of what I help out with bills) and he always struggles to budget to pay me back so in the end I feel bad and say don’t worry. Wev had words tonight as he said I’m not being supportive & he puts a roof over my & my DDs head .. just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place :(

like I say I have family & friends that know more & I can confide in them

They know what you tell them and are biased towards you. As much as AIBU is brutal, it is a bloody good place for getting genuinely different viewpoints that doesn't pander to you.

Realistically the op is paying £450 per month to her Dp.

Expenses are £1100 that means Dp was earning £2400 + £250 + all food from op so income £2650 less £1100 expenses less even another £400 per month extra expenses and no food to pay for means the Dp had £1150 per month to spend and save something but actually spent the lot each month and sometimes ran up more expenses.

If op and her Dp pooled their money as MN says should happen they would have a joint income of £3250-£1500 expenses and £250 for food expenses. Then splitting the rest between them would have meant op and Dp would have kept £750 to spend or save as they wished each month

Or they could have put £300 per month away and still had £600 each to spend.

Instead the Dp is asking op to cover his expenses with her savings but offering nothing in return.

As I said the Dp could after exhausting ops savings could tell op to leave and she wouldn’t even have a deposit for a rental so could make op homeless.

For those saying if you move into someones home (at their request when you are in a relationship) and pay towards the bills and then yes you should be on the deeds otherwise you are exposing yourself to financial insecurity.

I would presume op could find somewhere to live on her own and have money over like before if they did split. Her income would rise as she would be considered as a low earning single parent.

For those saying the Dp isn’t earning a lot I run a much larger house, 2 teens, 5 cats, 1 Dp, 4 cars and a van on less than the op and her dps combined income. I also pay for holidays as well.

I think £2650 and no food to find money for, for a flat and 1 car is more than enough.

Interested in what redundancy pay out there will be.

Will he ask op for her contribution immediately or will he spend his redundancy quickly first.

Oliversmumsarmy

Joint expenses are (conservatively) £1,100. He also pays CM, runs a car, presumably has to buy clothes, get a haircut etc. out of that.

But it simply isn’t the issue. Whatever amount of money he had “left over”, he was paying the majority of the costs so that the OP could do what she would never have been able to afford alone: work part time and live at a decent standard, spending time with her child. But all of a sudden, now the money is under threat, he’s on his own?

I’m not saying he is on his own .. I was asking really If people thought money I’d saved b4 I met him should b spent on bills when he’s had opportunities to save as well hence the whole thread! We will find a way through.. I’m helping him find jobs & trying to see what we can save on bills etc. Our situation has worked iv paid his extra debts / repairs / paid for holidays b4 & I have half of what I used to hav saved due to this. Yes we are a couple but am I not allowed to hav my own money too? He has a property in his name which me or my daughter have no legal rights to. I’m just want something for her future that’s all. Maybe I’m thinking more as a mother than a partner. I’m not saying anyone is wrong I asked for opinions.. but calling me horrible & selfish & a sponger? I’m not I’m just concerned about being left with nothing for my dd?

Of course you want to do what is best for your DD. But having a cushion of savings for your child is a position you get to once you have basic expenses covered, which you have only been able to do because your partner has generously subbed you. So as natural as it is to want to keep the cushion, you seem to be aspiring to living beyond your means.

I was asking really If people thought money I’d saved b4 I met him should b spent on bills when he’s had opportunities to save as well hence the whole thread!

Ok Yes your money should be spent on bills. You know, that's what adults do....

You really don't seem to understand what people are trying to say OP. The fact you have helped him in the past has no relevance to the thread. You are in a relationship and part of that is helping each other.

Maybe I’m thinking more as a mother than a partner.

I guess this is what can happen when you rush into moving in with someone so quickly when you have such a young child and you are both not on the same page. I suppose the lure of paying £200 rent must have helped.

If you’re so concerned for your daughter (and I do believe you are) then why on earth do you put yourselves in such a vulnerable position by moving in with a man when you’re not named on the deeds, mortgage or rental agreement?

Joint expenses are (conservatively) £1,100. He also pays CM, runs a car, presumably has to buy clothes, get a haircut etc. out of that

That is why I added another £400 per month to the expenses. I would have thought clearly clothing and haircuts would have come out of what was left.

The fact that the Dp hasn’t saved anything shouldn’t be an issue. But the fact he is eyeing up ops savings brings the fact he hasn’t saved onto the table.

The problem is op doesn’t earn enough to pay any more as she too has her own expenses.

Is everyone who says op should pay more thinking that only those on similar money should live together.

If this was a relationship where they were equal partners. I.e joint names on the deeds etc then I don’t think op would have a problem but I can see that putting herself into a financially risky position by throwing her savings after a guy who hasn’t saved for his own future without any safety net is a bad idea.

I was asking really If people thought money I’d saved b4 I met him should b spent on bills

I think the point is that you only have that money because you aren’t paying your way.

Oliversmumsarmy

One of the reasons he hasn’t saved for his own future, though, is that he has been paying for her present. Isn’t it?

herculepoirot2

I am getting the impression that op saved twice as much when she was on her own and in fact living with the Dp has ended up costing her half of her savings.

I don’t believe these bills are yours to pay above what you are paying atm.

You can walk away at any moment and very little would change in the dps life.

Whilst some of the expenses would go down others , eg food would go up.

If you are supposed to be giving up your savings to help Dp what is he doing in return

Op, again, can you tell us how long he has been employed and if he will be getting redundancy money?

Just a thought Op. do you receive CM from your DD father. Or is that included in the 800

Just a thought Op. do you receive CM from your DD father. Or is that included in the 800

She has said upthread that she does but not how much she receives. The OH also pays CM but to more than one child, I gathered.

Oliversmumsarmy

OP hasn’t shared amounts, but her DP is paying her way by a couple of hundred a month as a minimum. Unless she has given him thousands, or only lived there a couple of months, she is still ahead. It doesn’t matter when she saved the money. If her partner isn’t going to be able to pay the mortgage without her putting her hand in her pocket as he has been doing, she is unreasonable to sit on her own nest egg whilst leaving him to face financial hardship, and still expect to live in the house!

Plus, I would assume the partner is also doing childcare.

My DH isn’t happy in his job but I’ve let him know if push comes to shove I can go back FT after mat leave and support the family for a bit whilst he does something new.
Because it isn’t the 1950’s and we have a joint responsibility to run the home and feed our family.
Bottom line is you don’t want to. So leave him and look after yourself. You’re clearly happy to take the best bits. Relationships are rough and smooth.

If her partner isn’t going to be able to pay the mortgage without her putting her hand in her pocket as he has been doing, she is unreasonable

You mean if her partner isn’t going to be able to pay his mortgage.

I was under the impression the op has bailed him out by £1000s

Your attitude is selfish, what else would people call it? It's hardly fair is it?

If you're in a relationship, you balance your relations. No one has once stated you shouldn't care for your daughter, it's great that you do. But, you're in a pretty comfortable position because someone else has been subsidising majority of your costs for both of you so you have been able to save what you have.

Furthermore, no one once has said you're not entitled to your own money, of course you are, but people pull together in relationships when things get tough, and that's what the current situation is. It's also evident that this man has actually given you more than a fair deal in the relationship financially and allowed you to live rather comfortably.

Oliversmumsarmy

Yes, HIS mortgage...on the house she and her DD live in at his expense. You seem to be forgetting that a) she doesn’t pay a market rent and b) she has nowhere else to go. If it’s HIS mortgage and therefore not her problem, why should he not simply throw her out on her arse?

@Oliversmumsarmy why do you think its fair for her to not pay equal amount towards to livings costs for her and her Dd? It's his mortgage but she is living there. Why don't you think he deserves to receive a fair contribution from her? They are a couple therefore housing, bills ect should be joint.

No offence but how could the OP bail him out by thousands, then or now? She earns £800 a month. She says she has a few thousand saved. I can’t see that’s been dipped into much, of must’ve taken years to build

I find it very difficult to believe that someone who has lived alone, running their own house, thinks it’s acceptable to move into someone else’s house and only pay £200

Me too. Even more laughable is the "well he would have bills anyway"

If this situation was reversed and OP was posting about her partner, a man, not willing to help her out during redundancy he'd have been called a "cock lodger" a thousand times, with loads of people throwing LTB and red flags all over the place.