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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want friends' Au Pair to join weekend away

158 replies

1mumlife · 23/05/2019 12:04

Long weekend away (2 nights) planned for a few weeks - friends have only just asked if their au pair can come too. What's the etiquette here?
We are both working parents and were really looking forward to chilling out on a simple break away with our family and theirs. Honestly not that keen to have someone else around (relatively new au pair for them so they dont even know her well to be that comfortable with her)
AIBU or are they? I dont want to upset my friends if the thing that people would usually do is just put up with it (even though we would not really enjoy the whole experience as much plus its quite an expensive break so also feel a bit like we are subbing them (5 in total v. our 3)). Help...

OP posts:
Mamabear12 · 25/05/2019 18:51

Every single person I know who brings the au pair on holiday, its purely to look after the children so the parents can actually enjoy the holiday. Are you sure its not for this reason? We have an au pair and would never bring her just so she can have a holiday....we would bring her though if we needed extra help with the kids! Many people do this, and actually, if she is helping with the other two, it means you could also potentially get a break as well, depending on the age of your dc.

BummyKnocker · 25/05/2019 19:02

No - a holiday is not time to make polite conversation with somebody you don't need to get to know.

sunshine11 · 25/05/2019 19:04

I would look on the positive side, hopefully it will be some free childcare so you can all get some nights off?!

TanMateix · 25/05/2019 19:05

Erm... I don’t know, it certainly changes the dynamic of the holidays. One of my friend brings the au pair on every outing and although she is a nice girl, I just find it very irritating because we cannot talk openly and the time out takes a “teenage” chit chat giggling slant that I find very irritating so I now decline all the invitations.

HappyDappy3 · 25/05/2019 19:07

I’d say no, too. It isn’t a member of their family...it’s a random they’ve hired for cheap childcare!!

I wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in a house where someone I don’t know has free reign to wander round at night and interact with my children. It will also change the dynamics of the trip, meals etc. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable

Snog · 25/05/2019 19:10

This isn’t the holiday you agreed to so tell them that. Ask why they want her to come.

It’s ok to say you no longer want to go but I think first you need to hear about why they invited her and why they think it’s better to bring her with them than for her to stay at home alone. If you are good enough friends to go away together then discussing this shouldn’t be an issue.

Starfish85 · 25/05/2019 19:24

I’d say no, too. It isn’t a member of their family...it’s a random they’ve hired for cheap childcare!!

^^ This!

Yanbu at all op, it's very unfair of your friends to suggest this once it's all been paid for.

LisaD76 · 25/05/2019 19:30

An au pair should be treated as family and taken on all family trips .... it is part of the agreements signed when they are taken on

blueshoes · 25/05/2019 19:31

I was an au pair- I would have 100% preferred to stay alone in the house rather than spend the weekend making small talk in a second language with people more than 10 years my senior.

As a host family who has had many many aupairs over the years, I cannot think of one aupair who would want to come on holiday with us (unless it was free holiday with their room and they took off by themselves the whole day in a city).

It would be exquisitely painful for the aupair (especially if her English is not good) as well as for the family to make small talk. And dreadfully dull for the aupair who will want nothing more than to disappear into her room with her electronics.

blueshoes · 25/05/2019 19:32

Say no for all the valid reasons you gave. Your friends are cheeky f_ckers.

TanMateix · 25/05/2019 19:33

Yes, but that doesn’t mean that other people who didn’t sign to such agreement or reap their benefits have to put up with it.

I would probably cancel too. As I mentioned above, it changes the dynamics and can make the trip boring and therefore a waste of hard earned money.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/05/2019 19:33

@LisaD76

Would love to see this standard “agreement” you refer to, which state that an au pair should be viewed as part of the family

My good friend and neighbour seems to have missed that agreement.
And yet the arrangement with her au pair works wonderfully. The au pair leads a full independent life and is not “part of the family” and house sits when the family go away unless it is a Uk holiday in which case she is invited on the understanding that there will be work involved as normal. She accepts sometimes, declines others.
4 years in

blueshoes · 25/05/2019 19:40

AmIbeing what you described sounds pretty normal in the aupair arrangement and is a win-win for both parties.

I am not sure people who push 'aupair is a member of the family' to its literal conclusion actually had a real life aupair live with them or even had a teenager living with them. I doubt even my 18 year old niece would want to go on holiday with us, much less a complete stranger who only just arrived in a foreign land and does not know the language or family well.

Young aupair = teenager = adults not cool = host family = work.

Time in empty house with no duties = fun!

MerryMarigold · 25/05/2019 19:45

I think in these scenarios it's best to divide the house by bedrooms, so if originally you had a room and your DC had a room (2 find), then the other couple had 2 bedrooms, 50:50 is fair. If your Dc is going into your bedroom and they are having 3 ruins vs your 1 room, you need to bring it up.

blueshoes · 25/05/2019 19:46

An au pair should be treated as family and taken on all family trips .... it is part of the agreements signed when they are taken on

I have never heard of such an agreement in my 10 years of using aupairs. I have yet to see an aupair on a family trip.

LisaD76 · 25/05/2019 19:47

Amibeing .... just going on my partners nieces au pairing .... she said the au pairs obviously get time off to do their own thing but the paperwork when she signed up said that they are treated to holidays and trips with the rest of the family.... and she was .... the Spanish family she was with we’re lovely and took her on holiday and on days out whenever the took the kids

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/05/2019 19:55

Ok so not written in to the agreement that “part of the family”

So your sister’s agreement includes that the au pair to join them on holiday.

Working? Or as a holiday holiday?

Seaandsand83 · 25/05/2019 20:16

OP have you made a decision yet?

poopypants · 25/05/2019 20:24

How would the room allocation work? Would your family be losing a room? I am assuming that the 50:50 was because both families had equal number of rooms (like 2 each). If that is the case and your family still has 2 rooms then you are not losing out in any way and it actually isn't costing you anymore if she comes. If you agreed to pay 50:50 and an extra person coming does not increase the cost of the place. ANy meals out or similar costs should be paid for on a 3:5 ratio though

Maybebaybe · 25/05/2019 20:25

I was an au pair (many decades ago), my family treated me like family and brought me everywhere, definitely not as a babysitter, but as a family member. I was too young to appreciate their generosity (though I did love them and 30 years on am still close to them and see them every couple of years). I have since had au pairs myself and am awed by (my host family) their generosity of spirit. Their inclusion is how it should be. I speak French as a result of their kindness and making me a part of their family and encouraging their friends and extended family to do the same, they took time to join me into conversations and waiting to listen to my patchy efforts. I was really, really lucky to have landed with this wonderful family, I hope your friends au pair has been as lucky.

Ithinkthis · 25/05/2019 21:05

yes I think she should be treated as part of the family as if she’s an elder daughter. But as someone around the age I have had to have dinner with my parents friends and even for me as a person who likes meeting new people and making small talk found it difficult to know what to talk about and always felt a bit like patronised in the social company of older adults, and parents want to have time with there friends; just as I wouldn’t want them to come down the pub with me. it may be like they feel like they have to ‘host’ her so don’t want to ignore her for the weekend. It would be different if she was there to ‘work’ some of the time, might be handy. However I would go on a family holiday with my parents and sister and it is family holiday as well as a friends holiday. I think people are forgetting the kids are going to be there so she’s not exactly ‘third wheeling or fith wheeling technically’. Maybe in the future she could stay at home with your friends kids and if you could get childcare you could go on a kid free break. However she’s not technically part of the family so I don’t think she will feel like she wants to spend quality time together so probably wouldn’t want to come and she’s an adult definitely fine home alone. They should ask you and then ask her, but it would be a bit risky to say okay and then hope she doesn’t actually want to come herself. as I’ve said is unlikely but I wouldn’t mind her coming, but I can see why it would be stressful for a lot of people so I think your not being unreasonable but depend how much it bothers you if it’s worth disagreeing with your friends or if you’d be prepared to say yes because it might just be easier to save risking your friendship. Also it’s not fair for you to pay, they can afford have an Au Pair so to sponge off you is taking the mick really.

Mrsi2b · 26/05/2019 07:06

Just read all through & want to know the outcome? @1mumlife

Cassandrainthenight · 26/05/2019 14:21

Er, has anyone who's saying they need to be treated as part of the family got older teenagers?? Older teenagers would give anything to not have to go on a long weekend with parents, their friends and younger siblings. They are very often left at home, and it's fine. It's not lonely and scary in the new country, it's exciting and for au pair gives her time to relax and familiarise herself with the area(have any of you pitying poor au pair been teenagers yourselves??!), I expect the host family don't live in the middle of the field, most au pairs attend some language school anyway.
If they are from a sort of family where everyone has to do everything together while they are still living in the family home, then in that type of family teenagers are expected to chip in with chores and help with younger siblings Hmm when on holiday, it's not a holiday where everyone else has responsibilities and teenagers are just lounging about.

Jojofjo44 · 26/05/2019 14:59

Depends on why they want her to come tbh. If its because they aren't comfortable leaving her alone, they need to address that separately at a different time. If it's to integrate her on an informal basis then I'd have no issues with that.

Jojofjo44 · 26/05/2019 15:00

I would ask them to stump up more cash though.

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