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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want friends' Au Pair to join weekend away

158 replies

1mumlife · 23/05/2019 12:04

Long weekend away (2 nights) planned for a few weeks - friends have only just asked if their au pair can come too. What's the etiquette here?
We are both working parents and were really looking forward to chilling out on a simple break away with our family and theirs. Honestly not that keen to have someone else around (relatively new au pair for them so they dont even know her well to be that comfortable with her)
AIBU or are they? I dont want to upset my friends if the thing that people would usually do is just put up with it (even though we would not really enjoy the whole experience as much plus its quite an expensive break so also feel a bit like we are subbing them (5 in total v. our 3)). Help...

OP posts:
DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 23/05/2019 12:39

They should pay for her share of course, but I wouldn't refuse.
It won't really make a difference to you, will it. I mean even if their friends, you don't behave the same way as if you were alone with partner and children would you.

But the cost of accommodation and food is on them.

DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 23/05/2019 12:40

An au-pair is not exactly the same as an employee, is she...

VladmirsPoutine · 23/05/2019 12:41

I don't think yabu. I used to think anyone who got bothered by things like this was just being difficult/awkward but I now totally understand - it changes the dynamic and foists changes on plans which were already set and expected.

JoJoSM2 · 23/05/2019 12:42

Au pairs are meant to be part of the family, like an older sister, so I can see why your friends want to bring her along.

However, I also understand hat you want to hang out with your friends and enjoy the weekend and her presence might spoil it a bit. In your shoes, I'd ask them really nicely if she could not come along and explain why.

Somersetlady · 23/05/2019 12:44

@DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling in theory no but in reality yes it is someone paid in kind and in cash to fill a working role.

Exactly the same theory for any total stranger joining a trip. Changes the dynamic and the atmosphere.

SavingSpaces2019 · 23/05/2019 12:44

they're taking the piss.tell them they need to pay for her.
i suppose one weekend of looking after their own kids is too much for them.
This won't exactly be a holiday for her - she will be expected to babysit whilst the parents drink.....

SavingSpaces2019 · 23/05/2019 12:46

They know they're taking the piss - that's why they waited until now to 'ask' you because they know you can't back out of the holiday at this stage.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2019 12:48

How old is the au pair? Perhaps she is very young.

Are you renting a cottage? If it’s a 4 bed for example and the au pair now gets one, the adults one each and the kids now all together, they should be paying extra tbh.

NauseousMum · 23/05/2019 12:48

herculepoirot2 yes because i have a very tight budget and it won't just be the villa, it will also be food, also potentially transport could be affected. All adds up. And if i don't want them there, why should i pay for them - be it 5 quid or 500?

CaptainCabinets · 23/05/2019 12:50

You sound horrible. An au pair is supposed to be part of a family; what sort of message would they be sending if they didn’t bring her on holiday with them?

NauseousMum · 23/05/2019 12:52

But Captain she isn't part of the OPs family and she's just recently started working for the other family.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/05/2019 12:52

bizarre to me that the Au Pair would want to come-i think it would get confusing her or the family thinking she need help with the kids whilst on a break.

cstaff · 23/05/2019 12:54

I wouldn't be happy about this OP especially the way it was sprung upon you at the last minute. As they are friends you may have to let it go this time but I would put them on warning when you get home so it doesn't happen again.

I get where you are coming from regarding going halves but that was when they had only one extra person. If they don't offer to pay the difference now if she comes well that would be CFery.

EdtheBear · 23/05/2019 12:54

The girl may only be in her teens. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her home alone potentially isolated from family and friends.

Have a heart and think how you'd want to be treated or want your child to be treated.

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 12:55

NauseousMum

Obviously people have the right to argue about small amounts of money if they want to, but I feel it leaves a poor taste in the mouth over the course of a long friendship. A bit of give and take suits me better than getting the calculator out every five minutes. The holiday is paid for, so the change to the arrangement isn't technically costing more than the OP was willing to pay.

blackteasplease · 23/05/2019 12:55

So would this mean your child who previously had their own room now doesn't get one?

NauseousMum · 23/05/2019 12:57

See i think forcing an unknown person on friends leaves more of a sour taste...

Whoops75 · 23/05/2019 12:58

No from me too

Kids will most likely entertain themselves and she will hang out with ye.

underneaththeash · 23/05/2019 12:59

We don’t take our au pairs away with us (but make this clear before they join us). It will completely change the dynamic of your weekend, so I would just say you don’t think it’s appropriate.

DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 23/05/2019 12:59

I do love how the word "au-pair" immediately put some posters in a total rage Grin

lifestyle choice
i suppose one weekend of looking after their own kids is too much for them. This won't exactly be a holiday for her - she will be expected to babysit whilst the parents drink.....

It's even better than starting a thread about laundry frequency or shoes on/off Grin

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 13:00

NauseousMum

It wouldn’t bother me that much. I can see the reasoning.

PeoniesarePink · 23/05/2019 13:02

I wouldn't have an issue with it. She's part of their family.

It's for a weekend not the rest of your life Hmm

NauseousMum · 23/05/2019 13:03

It is very much, different stokes different folks. The other family obviously wouldnt mind but OP would and I'd hate anyone else intruding.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/05/2019 13:04

I think if you don't want this to fester you should tell it to them straight.
Its been sprung on you at the last minute.( and they knew they were going to ask this) It changes the dynamic as people have said but if she has a good reason, then you'll consider it. Also you were happy to split the cost but now its 3v5 that changes things and costs, including food should be proportionate, especially if you are eating out. If you get that out there in advance in a nice way then they will know how not to overstep the mark on the weekend and it could avoid annoying you on the holiday. If you say nothing they will think its all OK and it wont be. I hope you find a good resolution.

notatwork · 23/05/2019 13:08

YABU I'm afraid, though I completely understand your concerns about the changed dynamic.
An au pair isn't 'staff'. They are there as a member of the family. Treat her like a child you don't know returning from uni for the weekend.