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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want friends' Au Pair to join weekend away

158 replies

1mumlife · 23/05/2019 12:04

Long weekend away (2 nights) planned for a few weeks - friends have only just asked if their au pair can come too. What's the etiquette here?
We are both working parents and were really looking forward to chilling out on a simple break away with our family and theirs. Honestly not that keen to have someone else around (relatively new au pair for them so they dont even know her well to be that comfortable with her)
AIBU or are they? I dont want to upset my friends if the thing that people would usually do is just put up with it (even though we would not really enjoy the whole experience as much plus its quite an expensive break so also feel a bit like we are subbing them (5 in total v. our 3)). Help...

OP posts:
quizqueen · 24/05/2019 00:06

Are they expecting you to feed her as well if you are sharing meal preparations!

Lizzie48 · 24/05/2019 00:28

It can work, taking an au pair with you on holiday. We did this when we had an 18 year old French au pair living with us. We went to visit my DSis and DBIL and their DC. She helped with all the DC; we had our 2 DDs, so there were 5 DC in total.

But the difference was, I asked very early on whether my DSis was okay with bringing the au pair with us, and she was. The OP’s friends are cheeky to be asking at this stage, after agreeing on a 50/50 split of the costs.

Skittlesandbeer · 24/05/2019 00:31

Not sure why the only two options being discussed are 1. AP stays home alone or 2. AP comes on holiday.

If she’s really to be treated as ‘family’, couldn’t she stay with relatives or have someone else from the family stay with her? Or even good friends or neighbours? I can think of 3 or 4 people in our lives who’d be happy to host her, give her a different taste of life (preferably one without kids!).

I’d certainly be suggesting this to my friend, and even offering a billet from my circle if it came to it.

Side note: I’d be a bit worried about how this weekend will go, given your friends seem to be throwing in annoying suggestions last-minute, and being unfair with the money. Nice idea to go away, but maybe pick friends with the same values (and habits) as you next time?

I’m picturing spontaneous ‘fun’ ideas being imposed, that somehow end up with you sleeping in the barn; or cleaning up a ‘fun’ slime-making workshop for half the weekend!

NorfLondon16 · 24/05/2019 00:32

notabedofroses Sorry, but then she wasn't an Au Pair. Au Pair has a definition, it's not what she/he is being called.

givemesteel · 24/05/2019 00:39

For goodness sake, some of the responses on here....!

If she's old enough to move away and work for another family, she's old enough to be on her own for two nights (!) And even if the au pair is meant to be immersed in the family (but of an outdated concept now from what I've seen of people with au pairs now) it doesn't mean that you have to be in their pockets the whole time.

Just say no, OP, not unreasonable at all. Having another unknown adult in the house who will still be up and about in the evening after kids have been put to sleep will completely change the dynamic of the weekend,means you can't talk about anything private for instance.

It's their tough luck if they don't want to leave her in the house alone, it's their choice to have an au pair not yours.

ChillaxingInMyKimono · 24/05/2019 00:56

I'm sure the au pair would FAR rather stay at home and have the house to herself for a few days!

In fact, I'd wager she'd rather do that than join two families on holiday by a promotion of 1:99. Grin

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 24/05/2019 01:06

I was an au pair- I would have 100% preferred to stay alone in the house rather than spend the weekend making small talk in a second language with people more than 10 years my senior.

Lots of people would leave 18 or 19 year old daughters alone in their home for a weekend.

Enix · 24/05/2019 02:46

You are being totally reasonable in saying no.

MsTSwift · 24/05/2019 06:31

A weekend away with one other family is not a “more the merrier” scenario.

My parents had this once away in a villa with two families very old friends of theirs yet one of which allowed their random friends to camp in the garden of the villa and basically freeload. On day 3 dad spoke up and was then the baddie but he was so right to.

Blue5238 · 24/05/2019 06:37

I suspect au pair would rather stay at home too.
When I had an au pair and we took her skiing with friends in shared rental house we paid extra. Friends are two families of 4, we were family of 5 plus au pair. I split costs 4:4:6.

anothernotherone · 24/05/2019 06:39

Why do people like Serin think "I don't understand why you're upset" is a convincing argument? "I don't understand why you don't have the same opinion as me" means "I have no empathy or ability to look at things from another point of view". It has absolutely no bearing on whether or not the other person's point is valid.

Chamomileteaplease · 24/05/2019 06:48

Be brave and say no for the reasons discussed.

Think of it as doing the poor au pair a favour - I mean god why on earth would she want to come away with two families?? She would have a much nicer time having a few days off at home surely!

DeeCeeCherry · 24/05/2019 06:59

It changes the dynamic when you bring an unknown +1..the talk, banter, everything. I wouldn't find that a relaxing holiday.

GPatz · 24/05/2019 07:40

NANCEdex

'Personally I wouldn't want to go on holiday with you if I was the au pair (just by your comments, you don't sound like a person I would enjoy the company of) anyway'.

You don't sound like riveting company yourself.

It's unfair that your friends have asked this so late in the day, but as long as they pay for her, I don't think there is much you can do.

rookiemere · 24/05/2019 07:46

YANBU. But they asked , they didn't dictate that she has to come. I'd ring rather than emailing to explain what you've said here about looking forward to catching up with them and an extra person changing the dynamics. Perhaps they are worried about how she's settling in, hence the late request, but still not your problem.

Tistheseason17 · 25/05/2019 17:35

God, no.

It's meant to be a weekend away for friends - not friends plus random stranger.

I was an au pair and I would not have wanted to come anyway.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/05/2019 17:39

say NO Flowers

Chamomileteaplease · 25/05/2019 17:41

@1mumlife so what happened??

Durgasarrow · 25/05/2019 17:45

Sometimes people ask "Do you mind if" questions because they genuinely want to know if you would mind. If you were okay with the au pair coming along and thought it would be a fun idea, then that would make life easier for them, surely, and maybe they think it would be nice for the au pair.
On the other hand, maybe your friend doesn't realize that you really wouldn't like the au pair to come along and would be genuinely okay with her not coming if you didn't like the idea. Maybe you are good enough friends so she would come through and be that good person.

CherryPavlova · 25/05/2019 17:45

I think you’re being a bit unkind towards the au pair. Au pairs are meant to be part of the family and to abandon them when they are new to the family is a bit mean.

Maybe renegotiate the costs to help it balance but otherwise I’d let her come and make her welcome. Actually, unless one couple was much more affluent, I’d not even renegotiate the costs.

Rachelle11 · 25/05/2019 17:53

This wouldn't bother me, but it bothers you so if they are good friends say something to them.

gamerwidow · 25/05/2019 18:09

I wouldn't like this it completely changes the dynamic of the holiday to have someone you don't really know there.
The au pair's feeling are not your problem really it's for your friends to manage and something that they should have thought of arranged with you beforehand. You have paid your money in good faith expecting a certain type of holiday. It's not unreasonable to tell your friends that actually this isn't what you signed up for,

AwkwardSquad · 25/05/2019 18:10

I was an au pair- I would have 100% preferred to stay alone in the house rather than spend the weekend making small talk in a second language with people more than 10 years my senior.

Same here. I went away with the family once and quite enjoyed it but it was tiring, I never really felt off duty, and had to be on best behaviour the whole time as we were staying with rather posh grandmother.

I also travelled with the children to stay with their auntie and family - that felt even more ‘never off duty’, especially as the youngest was sleeping in the same room as me. And I was actually never off duty...

But l learnt a lot from the experiences and don’t feel that I was in any way hard done by.

In the OP’s case, though, I’d say no! It’s only a few days, the au pair will be fine staying behind.

gamerwidow · 25/05/2019 18:12

p.s. if the au pair has managed to come all the way from another country to work she is more than capable of managing a weekend by herself.

Nearlythere1 · 25/05/2019 18:34

Absolutely no way...
All these people saying the au pair is meant to be "part of the family". So? You wouldn't just bring your stranger cousin along on a small getaway with close friends!

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