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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want friends' Au Pair to join weekend away

158 replies

1mumlife · 23/05/2019 12:04

Long weekend away (2 nights) planned for a few weeks - friends have only just asked if their au pair can come too. What's the etiquette here?
We are both working parents and were really looking forward to chilling out on a simple break away with our family and theirs. Honestly not that keen to have someone else around (relatively new au pair for them so they dont even know her well to be that comfortable with her)
AIBU or are they? I dont want to upset my friends if the thing that people would usually do is just put up with it (even though we would not really enjoy the whole experience as much plus its quite an expensive break so also feel a bit like we are subbing them (5 in total v. our 3)). Help...

OP posts:
Notabedofroses · 23/05/2019 13:11

It would be a no from me.

It changes the dynamics, and I really wouldn’t want to be hanging out with someone’s au pair. I am sure she can cope for two evenings on her own ( might be a blessed break) I suspect your friend is inviting her to look after the dc though.

Just say you would rather carry on with original plan, or change the weekend away if that suits her better.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 23/05/2019 13:15

I think it would be awful to exclude her, She is supposed to be treat as part of the family, the other family are doing the right thing to include her.

And 2 nights is 2 nights not a long weekend, just a weekend.

Notabedofroses · 23/05/2019 13:15

An au pair is a paid employee, unless she has been with you for an exceptionally long time, it is a business arrangement. Not a surrogate child. Yes be kind, be welcoming but the au pair doesn’t have to trail around pretending to be a member of the family, she has her own family.

RestingBitchFaced · 23/05/2019 13:17

I would let her come but make it clear that meals out etc won't be split 50/50

Amibeingdaft81 · 23/05/2019 13:17

Friends enough to go away on holiday with

Not friends enough to have a chat about this

Odd

DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling · 23/05/2019 13:20

Notabedofroses
I don't think you understand what an au-pair is!

LazyLizzy · 23/05/2019 13:21

Friends enough to go away on holiday with

Not friends enough to have a chat about this

Agree, you would be really close to somebody if you are spending the weekend together. So just bring it up.

I don't see the problem as they probably feel mean leaving her at home. But this sets a precedence as she may assume she goes on every holiday.

As long as the cost difference isn't too much.

5foot5 · 23/05/2019 13:21

Is the cost that has been split 50/50 just the cost of the rental? In which case you are not paying anymore just because they are bringing the au pair. I can see that if you are then going to be buying food and drinks on top that the other family should up their contribution.

I can see why the other family want to bring her as it would seem awfully unwelcoming to leave her home alone especially as she has not been here long.

starfishmummy · 23/05/2019 13:23

I wouldn't be happy about it but at this stage then I guess I'd just have to go along with it. However I would want them to agree that they will be paying extra for her food and also to find out on what basis she is there - for instance if she will be babysitting their children and will that extend to your kids too and whether they will expect you to pay her if she does.

Femalebornandbreed · 23/05/2019 13:23

It wasn’t the plan to bring her.

YANBU

HollowTalk · 23/05/2019 13:24

I wouldn't want this - it would change the whole dynamic. I'd want time for a conversation with my friend - you can bet your life the au pair won't be hanging out with the guys, so she'll be sitting there with you and your friend and you won't be able to talk in confidence.

LazyLizzy · 23/05/2019 13:26

It's only a weekend. Just make sure you don't book any more holidays with these friends.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/05/2019 13:26

An au pair is different to an employee

They are meant to be treated as part of the family - they are only paid basic expenses and in return instead of a proper wage they are supposed to be immersed in the family so they can get to experience another culture and learn the language

So they arent being unreasonable to take her with them. They are being unreasonable to only tell you after you've booked though

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2019 13:27

Just tell them what you have told us.
You really don't want to spend your precious weekend with someone you don't know.
It will massively change the dynamic.
But if they insist then OK, but you want her to contribute so you aren't subsiding her stay.

Littlechocola · 23/05/2019 13:29

It wouldn’t bother me.

desparate4sleep · 23/05/2019 13:33

I wouldn't want her coming either. Just tell them the truth.

Summerorjustmaybe · 23/05/2019 13:33

Laughing at a pp saying leaving her at home would make her lonely and isolated!!
Ffs it's 2 nights not months!!
Yanbu to be unhappy. Surely an ideal chance to give the au pair some time off?

LazyLizzy · 23/05/2019 13:35

Au-pair may not want to come, I wouldn't.

Lovely weekend to herself, doing what she wants.

MadameJimJam · 23/05/2019 13:38

Friends of our did this! For a whole week's holiday, at the last minute. Rooms were changed around.

Au pair wasn't working but didn't really enjoy herself either as far as I could see - stuck in a big group of foreigners 20 years older than her in a holiday area without much to offer someone her age.

The rest of us were mightily pissed off at having a stranger there. It changed the nice relaxed dynamic. We would try to be friendly and make conversation with her, but it wasn't easy (and not what we were on holiday for).

I think they didn't want to leave her in the house on her own; they'd had a bad experience before. Although why they'd booked the new au pair to start right before they went on a group holiday is anyone's guess.

Au pair seemed like a pleasant and unobjectionable person, but my God did it cast a shadow over the holiday for us. Avoid if possible.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 23/05/2019 13:39

I wouldn't want the Au pair along either. It changes the dynamic of the group.

I'd just give them a call (don't email or text) and say 'to be honest I'd really rather it was just us old friends. Im sure she's lovely but I'm keen to relax and catch up and it changes the dynamic if there is someone we don't know around.'

They shouldn't have sprung this on you at the last minute. It's all very well to say an au pair is to be a 'member of the family' but family members don't just suddenly appear with a few days notice. This should have been raised when the trip was initially planned and then you could have decided whether it's something you wanted to do.

If they can't leave her at home for some reason, and you find yourself stuck with her, then I'd be frank about changing the payment amounts as well. It's bloody cheeky expecting your family to subsidise them. I wouldn't even ask because that's awkward if they say no. If just say 'ah ok then I'll do the sums and let you know the new total given you're now a family of 5 via text. See you Friday!'

Whoops75 · 23/05/2019 13:40

Have they asked via email?

Jackiebrambles · 23/05/2019 13:59

Yes I wouldn't be happy either as it would change the dynamic too much, in a bigger group it would be fine though.

Have you met her? Chances are the kids will love her so you may get more of a 'break' to chat to your friends whilst she plays with them and they compete for her attention!

Depends how good friends you are, if they were really good pals I'd probably say that's fine but ask to adjust the payment so they cover more costs.

livefornaps · 23/05/2019 14:09

I'd say "if she's not going to be working and looking after the childer while we get ratarsed then I fail to see why I'm paying for some random teenager's weekend. How about I bring along the milkman to even things up"

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 14:11

livefornaps

Really?

livefornaps · 23/05/2019 14:13

Yes really!

I think they are not being far on this au pair kid, foisting an "extra holiday" on her - if she is not working with the kids, then what is she doing? Making small talk with the adults as they all watch loose women?

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