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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want friends' Au Pair to join weekend away

158 replies

1mumlife · 23/05/2019 12:04

Long weekend away (2 nights) planned for a few weeks - friends have only just asked if their au pair can come too. What's the etiquette here?
We are both working parents and were really looking forward to chilling out on a simple break away with our family and theirs. Honestly not that keen to have someone else around (relatively new au pair for them so they dont even know her well to be that comfortable with her)
AIBU or are they? I dont want to upset my friends if the thing that people would usually do is just put up with it (even though we would not really enjoy the whole experience as much plus its quite an expensive break so also feel a bit like we are subbing them (5 in total v. our 3)). Help...

OP posts:
Baskerville · 23/05/2019 12:09

Yanbu, obviously, but if she's new and still settling in, they probably don't want to leave her home alone, and potentially lonely and isolated I doubt they have any particular desire for her company on a weekend away. But I would say no in your shoes say you appreciate why they might want to bring her, but that you don't want to be around a total stranger, so why not postpone the weekend till she's settled in and can be left at home?

Though surely you wouldn't be paying for someone else's au pair, anyway?

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 12:11

What were they planning with regards to sleeping arrangements? Is the idea that the au pair provides childcare or would she be on holiday?

pinkyredrose · 23/05/2019 12:14

Does the au pair even want to come? You won't be on your own anyway with the kids, the au pair might go off and do her own thing at night?

UnicornBrexit · 23/05/2019 12:16

Isn't an au pair supposed to be part of the family?
I think you're being quite hard, excluding the au pair.

adaline · 23/05/2019 12:18

Maybe the au-pair can look after your child for a while too, and you can have some proper quality time?

I wouldn't dismiss it outright, it could be really helpful to have an extra pair of hands.

Drum2018 · 23/05/2019 12:20

What's the accommodation? If it's a house then they will have to pay more than you, make that very clear if you agree to aupair going. If you really don't want the aupair tagging along then say it. I'm sure the aupair would rather the weekend to herself at home, rather than have to mind all the kids, which may be what your friend has in mind.

DexyMidnight · 23/05/2019 12:22

What baskerville said - they're not having her for a laugh

IvanaPee · 23/05/2019 12:23

Have they said why they want her to come?

Original poster
1mumlife · 23/05/2019 12:23

Thanks all.
To clarify:

  • This would be a holiday for the au pair. So no extra help.
  • We are 2 hours from where we all usually live so doubt the au pair would go out anywhere except with all of us.
  • Sleeping arrangements could be re-arranged so the au pair could get her own room.
  • We are splitting the break (already paid for so cant cancel and starts this weekend anyway) 50/50 so as a family of 3 we are actually paying for their au pair as there are 5 of them in total including her.
OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 12:25

I would just let her come. She’s new and it might be the sort of concession that makes a long term difference to your friendship. She will probably do her own thing.

Justbreathing · 23/05/2019 12:25

Just say no
I can’t imagine the au pair particularly wants to go

I wonder if this is more a case of they don’t want to leave her in their house alone.

HennyPennyHorror · 23/05/2019 12:26

Just say no. They're being cheeky. An Au-pair is a lifestyle choice...not everyone is comfortable with strangers joining their family. Why should you have to put up with that!?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/05/2019 12:26

I can see why they want to invite her/ she is part of the family etc. But you definitely shouldn't be subbing. If they are dead set on asking her then the payment should be rearranged for sure.

NauseousMum · 23/05/2019 12:27

I would say you are uncomfortable and looking forward to time just the two families.

If she came i would change the 50/50!

TheFaerieQueene · 23/05/2019 12:27

She doesn’t want to leave the au pair alone in the house for some reason

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/05/2019 12:30

Suggest a couple of choices?

Ask them their reasons for including her? If she's lonely, have a heart and let her join. Also check she actually wants to come?

And if she comes, they need to pay you pay some of the 50/50 as 5 v 3 isn't fair. Also a bit unfair to spring it on you this late. x

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 12:30

NauseousMum
A house rental in the UK at this time of year might be a few hundred for a weekend. Divide by 8 and multiply out on a 5:3 ratio... It’s not a lot of money. Would you really?

Pgqio · 23/05/2019 12:31

Who loses out room wise if the au pair gets a room to herself?

shockthemonkey · 23/05/2019 12:31

Even before the au pair that was un unequal split of the costs as they were 4 you were 3. Why didn't you split it 4/7 and 3/7? Maybe because the difference was small and you didn't want to seem petty.

However, in their shoes I would have insisted on a fair split, and all the more so now I'm intending to bring a fifth person along.

I don't know how you feel about asking for a fairer split now though.

Is it the kind of holiday where the price stays the same whether it's seven or eight people? Eg renting a villa? I could understand that it may be very awkward but they really should have proposed something equitable.

PinaColadaPlease · 23/05/2019 12:32

I would reply that in all honesty you would prefer not as it would change the dynamic but if they really want her there then bring her and you’ll change the split to 40/60. They don’t get to change the weekend away against your wishes and then expect you to pay for the privilege!

Drum2018 · 23/05/2019 12:33

You've paid already - In that case I'd say no, unless you can be sure that the friends will reimburse you part of the cost. If you do agree, then make sure you point out that they'll have to pay her one fifth share back to you (that's leaving kids out of accommodation cost). Guarantee friends want her there to mind kids despite their claim that it's a holiday for her. Why on earth would they want her on a weekend trip? Different if it was a week. Surely the poor girl would be bored to tears hanging out with you all when she doesn't even know your family.

SentosaCove · 23/05/2019 12:33

She doesn’t want to leave the au pair alone in the house for some reason

Moe likely she wants a nice break and a few drinks and doesn't want to look after her own DC. Met loads like this.

user1486131602 · 23/05/2019 12:36

Why do they want the au pair to come? Is it because they would like to go out without the kids one evening?instant babysitter?
Or,
are they thinking I’m paying her anyway and don’t want to leave her in the house alone while we are away?

Babysitting/house help while away.....pay your share
The other reason.....do not have her there.......no payment required no bedroom shuffle, up to your friends to sort it out, pay her and relinquish one of their beds.

DarlingNikita · 23/05/2019 12:38

We are splitting the break (already paid for so cant cancel and starts this weekend anyway) 50/50 so as a family of 3 we are actually paying for their au pair as there are 5 of them in total including her.

So even before the au pair thing you were subsidising them? Why?

Somersetlady · 23/05/2019 12:38

Definitely a no from me.

Imagine you have a business and say I’m just going to add in am employee to our break who won’t be contributing and will be in our company all the time.

People would look at you like you’re crazy!

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