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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want friends' Au Pair to join weekend away

158 replies

1mumlife · 23/05/2019 12:04

Long weekend away (2 nights) planned for a few weeks - friends have only just asked if their au pair can come too. What's the etiquette here?
We are both working parents and were really looking forward to chilling out on a simple break away with our family and theirs. Honestly not that keen to have someone else around (relatively new au pair for them so they dont even know her well to be that comfortable with her)
AIBU or are they? I dont want to upset my friends if the thing that people would usually do is just put up with it (even though we would not really enjoy the whole experience as much plus its quite an expensive break so also feel a bit like we are subbing them (5 in total v. our 3)). Help...

OP posts:
Constance1234 · 23/05/2019 14:15

It's a pretty crappy thing for them to do. It doesn't matter if as pp said the au pair should been seen as part of the family - I'd still be annoyed if they decided to bring another random family member I didn't know along. Completely changes the dynamic of the trip.

Durgasarrow · 23/05/2019 14:21

YANBU. This simply is not your problem. It would be nice for your friend if you made it easy to solve her dilemma of what to do with her au pair on the weekend she had promised to go away with her dear dear friends and didn't feel like having au pair alone in the house by bringing au pair along even though that wasn't the plan and would cause everything to be rearranged and make the whole weekend awkward and weird and not what was planned at all. But it wouldn't be nice for you. And your feelings matter, too.

easterholidays · 23/05/2019 14:26

I'd still be annoyed if they decided to bring another random family member I didn't know along

I agree with this. It's irrelevant whether an au pair is "part of the family" or not. If OP's friends had said they wanted to bring a random niece or brother-in-law along the issue would be the same, which is that OP doesn't particularly want to spend what was intended as a relaxing holiday with close friends having to make polite conversation with someone she doesn't know.

jameswong · 23/05/2019 14:27

The plebs really out themselves on this thread.

J/k

Seriously, it's mad she won't be working. Why else bring her? My wife and I have discussed bringing the nanny on holiday with us, but we don't think it'd work quite yet. I feel kids under a certain age and over a certain age wouldn't benefit from it, but I think kids aged around 2-6 it would be ideal and I'll be angling to bring her then.

If the AP was willing to mind the kids while the adults played it would be a great idea.

notatwork · 23/05/2019 14:30

An au pair isn't a nanny though. They are supposed to be part of the family to immerse in the language/culture.

PollyShelby · 23/05/2019 14:40

If she comes you'll have to ask them how they want to split the cost now there's 5 of them.

Notabedofroses · 23/05/2019 15:22

DHhasahobbyanditsnotcycling

We used an au pair for three summers in a row, at no point did I consider any of them as 'family'!!! We never saw them again at the end, and had only a few emails etc since. I wouldn't expect to.

We took them to the theatre, to London, beach etc. We did everything possible to make them welcome, but at no point did we cross the boundary of making them 'family'. They are not. They are there to learn the language and to enjoy the experience, but at 80.00 a week, plus her lovely room with ensuite, and all her meals she was definitely paid!!! And as such is staff, not family.

Notabedofroses · 23/05/2019 15:24

If she were doing it for free, then maybe it would be different. It is a very weird concept to treat a total stranger as a family member.

NorfLondon16 · 23/05/2019 15:26

An Au Pair is not a "business arrangement" or "employee" as some have said. It's a cultural exchange programme. Although some families use Au Pairs as modern slaves but that's not the intended purpose.

OP, I can see your point but I do think that YABU.

Summerorjustmaybe · 23/05/2019 15:41

As a basic you need to email and ask how the financial implications will work given you are already paying 50%....they are surely not expecting to bring a second free guest?
Cfers!

Notabedofroses · 23/05/2019 16:07

NOrflondon One of my au pairs was in fact English! It was not a cultural exchange, she lived 40 minutes away Confused

Notabedofroses · 23/05/2019 16:10

Actually our English au pair was the worst of the three. We did take her away with us for one weekend, but not the others, most au pairs enjoy a break from the family, and not all want to go on every single trip.

NANCEdex · 23/05/2019 19:49

I am going to be aupairing from June 2nd and I think it's wrong to completely dismiss the au pair what has she done to you. I think your "friends" should pay extra and her up keep (if the au pair actually wants to go)
Personally I wouldn't want to go on holiday with you if I was the au pair (just by your comments, you don't sound like a person I would enjoy the company of) anyway. She probably doesn't even want to go and if she does go it's because the family wants free labour and drink and enjoy themselves while the au pair looks after both your kids (poor girl) I think she would be glad to have two nights off to do her own thing. And 2 nights is not a long weekend 😁

anxiousbean · 23/05/2019 20:03

I think the au-pair's family would be unreasonable not to invite her (it is supposed to be more of a family relationship).

However I don't think you are being unreasonable to not want her there.

If you were my friends though, I would probably have to cancel, as I couldn't not invite a potentially vulnerable teenager in my care

MaybeDoctor · 23/05/2019 20:07

This would be irritating. Time that adults can spend together is quite rare with young children and if you go to the expense of a weekend away you want to be able to relax, have a drink and enjoy a perhaps-slightly-inappropriate trip down memory lane.

However, I can also see that it might be unkind to leave her alone at home.

Are you staying in Windsor, Bath, the Lakes or some other big centre of tourism? That might explain why she is coming along.

I say, have her along and be kind to her, naturally, but perhaps speak to your friend and ask her to arrange things so that you still get the social time you were looking forward to.

Lizzie48 · 23/05/2019 20:12

It wouldn’t bother me tbh. If the au pair is new, then I would understand them not wanting to leave her alone in the house. Especially if she speaks very little English, which would make her very isolated.

Cherrysoup · 23/05/2019 20:38

I was the au pair in this situation and I hated it. I was taken-no choice-with the family on a weekend. There were no spare rooms so I was put in the same room as the parents, the dad tried to have sex with the mum with me lying there listening! I coughed very loudly to show I was still awake. Horrific. Also, I didn’t know if I was supposed to be working or on holiday, it was extremely uncomfortable.

Somersetlady · 23/05/2019 20:43

I don’t get All the ‘shes In a new place shouldn’t be left alone’ attitude. I went to work for a family in New Zealand over 20 years ago and was totally happy and capable of enjoying a few nights on my own aged 18. I lived on their farm for bed board and keep in the family home on a ‘cultural exchange programme’ which was basically a way for them to avoid paying a proper wage but getting the job done.

I say if she’s managed to fly to the UK all by her little self and has WiFi she’d probably rather be left behind!

EdtheBear · 23/05/2019 21:00

I'm in the don't leave her camp. I assume she's miles from home no family or friends in the area
2 night is a long time not to see or speak with any body

MsTSwift · 23/05/2019 21:13

It would bother me actually. Instead of relaxed dinners with old friends will be some sort of awkward “and are you enjoying your time in England “ stilted nightmare conversation. I know this because I host a lot of language students. Very rarely there’s a smart funny one you can have a proper chat with but this is not the norm.

Tokillamockinh · 23/05/2019 21:14

Is the au pair young and glamorous? If so, is that why you’re so against her joining you? No offence intended. Genuine question.

Serin · 23/05/2019 21:28

Dont understand all the "it will change the dynamic" at all. I've always been of the "more the merrier" mentality.
The au pair might be a great person and may well bring a lot to the party. You have aYou have the attitude that you wont like him/her right from the start.

Kittekats · 23/05/2019 23:19

Don’t understand all the "it will change the dynamic" at all. I've always been of the "more the merrier" mentality.

Your last sentence explains exactly why you don’t get it. Not everyone is predisposed to the “more the merrier” mentality.

SandyY2K · 23/05/2019 23:52

18 year olds go on holiday alone. Why is the aupair incapable of staying in the family house alone?

All these backpackers manage it fine.

If I was the aupair, I'd rather not go on the holiday.

I'd tell your friend, you'd prefer for her not to come, as you dont know her... but if her not coming isn't an option... the change the payment from 50/50.

I'd also get her to ask if the aupair really wants to come. I'd rather stay home and explore the city in peace.

Trebla · 23/05/2019 23:57

We took a fairly new au pair on family shared holiday. It was a nightmare. We thought we'd have a week of support (within her hours) she was on "holiday" and wanted to come out on all the day trips and meals out. It caused more issues that it was worth. We asked her to leave shortly after that. It was like having a lazy teenager with us.

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