First Date, who pays?

[DreamsOfDownUnder]

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

First date so you're still strangers. It's very fair to split. If things progress to further dates, then it's ok taking turns in treating each other or to continue going Dutch but never expect the other person to score all the bills, that's unfair imo.

Ok I feel like some people took my comment the wrong way (or i phrased it wrong). I was just standing up for myself re people calling women who think men should pay for the first date gold diggers.

I just meant it makes me personally feel more special to my partner if he wants to spend on me. It has nothing to do with looks or anything like that. He’d be like this whatever age we were.

@formerbabe Hi

remember the thread about the DH behaving like its the 1850s They spilt the cost of dates but it was the only piece of feminism he was willing to get on board with.

Id link it in but the advanced search on here is so crap that i cant find it and it no longer shows on my watch list.

They spilt the cost of dates but it was the only piece of feminism he was willing to get on board with

😂 Shock. That’s basically all the men on this thread.

I wonder how many of these male feminists would be happy for their date to turn up with unshaved/unwaxed legs Would totally be OK im sure as they are totally on board with feminism right?

And some women DONT have the funds to do it all.

I started a thread yesterday about how Universal Credit is now leading to more women going into sex work. And one about UK poverty. Both those threads have yet to hit page 2. Despite it affecting women more than men. Thread about making sure women still pay their share though. Stretches to the moon and back.

We do not live in an equal society. its disingenous to pretend that we do.

Id go Dutch on a date absolutely, But i would have to forego something else like a wax to do so.

a. it would be a good way to find out if he really believes in feminism and equality.
b. id be damned if id sacrifice my grocery bill or gas bill so i could afford to go halves on a date for a man i didnt even know so the wax would go!

I was raised in a family where everyone falls over themselves to try to pay and whoever fights hardest 'wins' paying. Continues to this day! My dad still says one of the things he liked about DH when he met him was that he joined in the Bill Fight. He lost!

So DH and I did have a scrap over the bill on our first official date. He paid eventually. But, and this is important, it was one part of the date. We ate, then went to a little bookshop, then had ice cream. That way everyone can take turns! And no one feels hard done by. And everyone gets to be generous but no one gets ripped off.

I do want to be with someone who offers. Because to me it signals generosity. I also like to offer. That's not important to DH. He doesn't mind paying. It could look like sexism but actually isn't really. Well, it is in that his expectation of paying is patriarchal but you know, benignly so, he quite liked getting bought ice cream and books.

I go to the bar myself though. That was a weird thread.

First Dates viewer ...... OMG shes so tight .............why doesnt she pay her way and go halves............its 2019

Also First Dates viewer if a woman turned up unwaxed. ..........OMG why didnt she wax her legs for the date shes going on What WILL her date think. You totes need to do this to meet a new man.

Most reality TV viewers are incapable of thinking critically from what ive seen.

graziadaily.co.uk/life/real-life/dating-stories-real-life/?fbclid=IwAR3cvUR8AvGOrhkWHx8PlCpHm3Mew6Xz-1Pl0mpgu0g-3_eOEeuINKDAK7I

"Date Of The Week: 'My Lunch Date Let Me Pay Then Left With Another Woman"

@MrsTerryPratchett

I was raised in a family where everyone falls over themselves to try to pay and whoever fights hardest 'wins' paying. Continues to this day! My dad still says one of the things he liked about DH when he met him was that he joined in the Bill Fight. He lost

I love this. Very few men like this any more I'm afraid. I remember going out as a family to a restaurant when I was a child with another family we were friends with. I still remember the bill fight between the dads . For lots of older men, its a pride thing.

These threads are always the same. You get a bunch of women who wish to be paid for, "treated" I suspect they are just skint, and claim to not understand the concept that women would strongly wish to pay, it's not that the man expects they do.

And everyone else being horrified at their sexist grabby 1950s behaviour.

For me. It's go Dutch. Start off as you mean to go on. On an equal footing. You're a grown independent woman. Not some thing men pay for your company.

Start off as you mean to go on
Emphasis on the mean! What a miserable dating life/ relationship where either sex can’t just treat the other. Also this mentality sets a really good tone for when a mat leave/ a dip in the woman’s salary rolls round

Pa1oma
As if any woman in their right mind would go out with a man they weren’t interested in, just for a free dinner.
I’d rather pull my teeth out.

But you don't speak for all women.

These threads are always the same. You get a bunch of women who wish to be paid for, "treated" I suspect they are just skint

For me. It's go Dutch. Start off as you mean to go on. On an equal footing. You're a grown independent woman. Not some thing men pay for your company

Hmmm catty much. I’m not the slightest bit skint. Would you even find a man who thought he was so lucky to have you as a girlfriend he insisted on paying for everything? Probably not 🤷‍♀️

I feel like a lot of women on this thread are just saving face. My Dad is really tight with his girlfriend and insists on going Dutch. I feel sorry for the woman but of course if she was on this thread she’d pretend it was some sort of feminist choice 😂.

We do not live in an equal society. its disingenous to pretend that we do

Exactly. Women have to spend far more than men on things like makeup, hair just to be deemed as “acceptable” by society. It’s not a choice either before anyone says that. If I showed up to work with no makeup on I’d get in trouble for not looking “professional”.

Lol, I've been with my husband nearly thirty years since I was twenty, he'd happily have paid and still would. However. I choose. Not him. Not that I need to explain myself.🤣

As for women having to spend on hair and make up to make themselves acceptable to society as some form of justification to wishing men to pay for your company, what bullshit. My daughter is 21. She wears a touch of foundation occasionally, and some mascara. Her hair is Undyed and long and curly. Seldom even visits a hair dresser. Oh and she's training to be a solicitor, corporate law.

Might have to give her a buzz to tell her to get herself less natural looking and to let men pay for her, because some bird on mumsnet thinks she's not acceptable to society as she is.

Oh wait,,she's more than acceptable and you're talking shite.

My daughter is 21. She wears a touch of foundation occasionally, and some mascara. Her hair is Undyed and long and curly. Seldom even visits a hair dresser

Yeah, being 21 helps I'm sure. Try that at 40, its a difference story!

Blunt - I’m not sure there any need to get in your high horse about your solicitor daughter. I think the PP was just making a very generalised point.

And you’re right to say, “I choose.” Women (and men) are at liberty to date who they want and there no right and wrong here. No need for moralising from anybody. Would you have chosen your DH 30 years ago if he had been one of these that insists on splitting every bill in the name of equality though? Or because he had a chip on his shoulder about women being invariably after free meals ? Somehow I doubt it.

I'd never have known if he insisted on splitting every bill. And we aren't talking about every bill, we are talking First dates. Because i insisted on paying my way.

Because I was a grown up. Even at 20. I wasn't some decorative piece who men needed to pay for my company because I needed to plaster myself in make up or have high maintenance hair and feel men should then pay for the privalage of looking at my efforts.

Really there is no justification for expecting men to pay for you. Unless that's your trade.

You’re overcooking the whole thing though, Bluntness. People will gravitate to whatever dating dynamics they like. It doesn’t mean a woman sees herself as a “decorative piece” if she accepts the man paying. This is nonsense.

It doesn’t mean a woman sees herself as a “decorative piece”

That is exactly what Hithere12.

That she's a woman who lots of men want to be around and so they should pay to have her on their arm

I don’t know how to put this without being rude but if you are someone a lot of men would want to date and a man sees you are someone they are extremely lucky to have they will see you as worth spending money on

I never use to do dinner on a first date. I would do drinks /coffee and a walk. If we liked each other enough for date 2 I would let man pay but always offer and say let me get you a drink afterwards. As the dating continued I would usually alternate someone paying each time rather than go 50:50 on one bill.

Dutch obviously!

If it's a first date then anything else would be odd to me.

** if date 2 didn't go well I would insist on paying half as I wouldn't see him again

“Decorative peice” 😂 my boyfriend is way better looking than I am trust me. I’m skimming through thread as I’m at work so haven’t read full reply but that made me laugh.

People can do what they like. I normally offer to pay half anyway. I just think for the first date the man should pay 🤷‍♀️