First Date, who pays?

[DreamsOfDownUnder]

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

I had a tinder date (with my now ex) I bought the first drinks, he insisted on paying for dinner - so we went for a lot of drinks after and I paid for them ... he paid for my taxi home as we shared one (no I didn't get dropped to my actual road incase he was a killer)

You do not, it appears, have the emotional intelligence to see why a woman would like to be paid for on a date. You assume she's just happy to get a free meal and a few drinks ...you just don't get it.

You're right, I don't get it. I don't get why being a woman means you want to be paid for, as opposed to being a man.

I don't want to be paid for by anyone. If I go out with friends I am always the first to offer to pay. I would hate to feel beholden to anyone.

Yes, Pa1oma explained it better than I did. It’s about finding certain traits attractive in the opposite sex

So paying for stuff is a male trait then?

Oh my god. Stereotypes alive and well on here it would seem.

What are female traits then?

I really cannot believe there are still women who think like this. No wonder we are still fighting for equality.

We want equal pay and equal rights but don't want to pay for ourselves on a date because we that's a manly trait?

So I see a lot of woman on here only bang in about equality when it suits them, ,

There’s nothing worse than a tight man.

So a man who wants to go Dutch is tight and there's nothing worse but a woman who expects to be paid for isn't tight? Is that right?

Do explain the difference to me. And what are these psychological factors at play here ? If it's not about money what is it about? Not being equal? Being subservient? Needing to be looked after?

@hithere12 I have plenty of self worth. And not taking advantage of others is a part of that.

You are coming across as quite bitter. Are you unsuccessful with women? Genuine question.

I always went Dutch. Especially if you're online dating there might be quite a few first dates which don't go anywhere - why should the man suffer all the expense of those? Once you've been dating a while it can be nice to take it turns to take each other out etc but on a first date I expect to pay my own way.

One thing that was incredibly off putting though was one bloke I went out with one time - we went for coffee in a sweet, not expensive cafe. As soon as we sat down he launched into a speech about how I shouldn't expect a free ride, he was sick of women thinking he owed them a free meal and cushy life bank rolled by him. We had met through work where we were at a similar level on I assume a similar fairly decent salary I hadn't implied in anyway I wanted him to pay for my (£2!) coffee. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. No doubt he thought I was a gold digger and that was why I wasn't interested in a second date!

I have plenty of self worth. And not taking advantage of others is a part of that

You think a man seeing you as special and wanting to pay for a date is you taking advantage? Ok 🙄

You are coming across as quite bitter. Are you unsuccessful with women? Genuine question.

Who is that aimed at? Me?

If so, I am a straight woman so not unsuccessful with women no. Not bitter either just incredulous that any woman could not only think like this but openly admit it.

I guess I've just got too much self respect to want to sponge off of someone else.

@InACheeseAndPickle

Oh my god 😂 at least you found out early

No I think going out for a mutually agreed meal or drinks should be an equal thing.

First time I go out with female friends is the same.

You think a man seeing you as special and wanting to pay for a date is you taking advantage? Ok 🙄

So why can't a woman see a man as special, why is it only one way?

And why does someone paying for you mean they see you as special? How about the way they speak to you and whether they are interested in what you have to say, your interests etc? Surely that's more important than whether they buy you dinner?

I guess I've just got too much self respect to want to sponge off of someone else

Oh my god. It’s not sponging. I don’t know how to put this without being rude but if you are someone a lot of men would want to date and a man sees you are someone they are extremely lucky to have they will see you as worth spending money on.

If you’re not special to them they won’t want to spend money on you 🤷‍♀️ It’s just as simple as that. It’s kind of an ego thing. And again I’m not a gold digger, my current bf was unemployed for two years out of 6 and I stayed with him! I couldn’t care less how much he earns.

Great post from @Kennehora

I think women who expect the man to pay don’t believe in equality on a fundamental level. These are the same women who take a man’s name, do the majority of domestic tasks in the home and the bulk of the childcare, they are SAHPs or part time workers. Society has taught women that this is their role. Just as it’s the man’s role pay for dates, stand at bars, and do DIY.

Depressing thread. OP seems decent though.

OP, unlike various posters upthread, I’d take it as a good sign if you can split the bill without him insisting he should pay.

Oh my god. It’s not sponging. I don’t know how to put this without being rude but if you are someone a lot of men would want to date and a man sees you are someone they are extremely lucky to have they will see you as worth spending money on.

Oh my god, I literally have never heard anything like this.

Have you ever watched Pretty Woman?

If I went on a date and the man expected me to pay I would not be very happy. IME we go, I offer to pay half, he declines my offer / or he pays when I go to the loo. I usually buy some drinks and then if all goes well I may well cook when I know him better. I definitely do pay my way but just not on a first date for food.

I definitely do pay my way but just not on a first date for food.

But why? Why go out for dinner if you don't want to pay?

What if he doesn't want to pay? How would you feel if you went out with a friend and they expected you to pick up the bill? Wouldn't you think they were a CF?

Decomposing - Let me try and explain it to you this way. When I was dating DH, what made him more attractive to me (over and above the physical), was the way he behaved. He never messed me about, always picked me up / took me home, made an effort, took the initiative to plan dates etc. The fact he wouid expect to pay in general was just one aspect within a wider behaviour. It’s called being a gent and I personally respect that in a man. Of course, I wouid book things ahead or make sure I paid for things in other ways. I didn’t need his money and it wasn’t about that. It’s about attitude.

Fast forward to when we had DC and yes, you do realise that that things aren’t “equal” in the sense that biological differences take over, so thank god, DH wasn’t one if these who resented financially supporting me through these years. This is what he wouid fully expect to do. He didn’t expect me to rush back to work to pay my way, because “equality.”

Pa1oma

But you are describing a relationship.

What we have been talking about is who pays on a first date.

Simply paying for someone does not prove anything. As another poster said the man that she knew who insisted on paying was a complete arsehole. What if you go on a date with a man who insists on paying and then expects you to sleep with him in return? Do you consider that gentlemanly behaviour?

There are much better indicators of someone viewing you as an equal partner than whether they pay for dinner.

I would expect someone taking me on a date to offer to pay, because I would offer to pay too. If it seemed that we had agreed we were meeting again, I'd accept the man's offer to pay for the first date and I would say "thank you, but I insist on getting dinner for us next time." If a man immediately said "can we split the bill" on a date he'd asked me on, I would think it rude as if you invite someone on a date, you are offering to take them out in my opinion. Even if we go halves, I would always appreciate the nice gesture of someone offering to pay for the full cost, I think it's nice manners whether it's by a man or a woman

I'm not a fan of being paid for. I earn an average salary - sometimes more, sometimes less than men I date. If always rather split it even pay if my date is skint and it was my suggestion.

I used to be someone men were lucky to be around. @hithere12. I would a!ways split the bill

I'm slightly older now. A few children. A husband.

“Simply paying for someone does not prove anything.”

Well no, obviously. But equally “simply not paying for someone” does not mean a man is a beacon of equality either.

This is irrelevant.

A sleaze is a sleaze whether he pays or not.

But a man who would expect to pay is more likely to be a gentleman in other ways. Not necessarily, time will tell obviously, but it at least an indication of their mentality.

Plus, I suspect my perception of equality is different to yours anyway.

I'm dating somebody, been seeing them for 4 months. I treat them, but I do it within my budget not to make a showy gesture.

The person who asks pays. Tbh I always thought the man should pay (they always did the asking). I always felt if the man was really interested in you he would at least pay the first date. Otherwise, why bother going or asking. If he couldn’t afford to; then just take the person out to coffee or a walk. My dh asked me out to coffee for our first date. Another date, we just took a walk for a few hours in the park. Another date shared a bottle of wine. Another he invited me to watch a movie and have nibbles at his place (and no we didn’t have sex or even kiss at this point). He kissed me after 3 weeks of dating and after 4 weeks we went out to a fancy restaurant. I enjoyed all the casual and no pressure first dates of getting to know each other. He could have afforded to take me to a fancy restaurant the first date, but to be honest, I don’t like that for a first date. I much rather prefer a casual coffee or walk in the park. To me the importance of a man paying, shows that he is willing to provide for me now and perhaps in the future. If a man can not bother to pay for a first date, will they even consider providing for the future? Sure I’m old fashioned in that I put career on hold to stay home with the kids while dh supports the family, but this is what I wanted and I’m lucky to be able to do so. I have friend who husbands counts every pound spent and makes sure both are contributing equally (even though he can afford to support her if he wanted). And she resents it a little, as she was forced to return back early after maternity leave. However, some women want to be the earners and the man stays home or perhaps both work. This is fine too. I guess it’s what you want. If your happy to go Dutch for the rest of your life, go Dutch the first date.