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Original poster

First Date, who pays?

598 replies

DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 10:29

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

OP posts:
TheRedBarrows · 24/05/2019 08:42

Split the bill.

I am astounded that men who don’t pay are ‘tightwads ‘ while women who don’t pay are apparently quite reasonable to expect to be paid for.

How do those of you who think this way think same sex couples should navigate paying?

A date arranged mutually because you have both decided, equally, that you would like to spend time together, is surely a ‘Dutch’ arrangement. And both parties have had a say in choosing the venue and therefore cost.

If one party says “I’d love to take you out to my favourite place, my treat” that’s differbty.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2019 08:46

How do those of you who think this way think same sex couples should navigate paying? whoever asked who out.
Tbh many of the women on here have pointed out one of the reasons a man “should” pay is because men tend to be the ones asking a woman out

AhNowTed · 24/05/2019 08:47

I can't fucking stand these threads.

It's 2019 and we still have women on here expecting the man to pay.

Equality cuts both ways, and I am more than capable of paying my share.

A nit-picking exact split to the penny would turn me off. Each throw in a rounded up amount I'm all for it

And please, don't do the half-offer-faux-reach for the purse.

Hithere12 · 24/05/2019 08:47

@Kennehora

It’s not about attractiveness! It’s about being valued! I did not make a sly dig, Bluntness did when she made out she was better than everyone because her husband makes her split the bill and that we’re all skint. 🙄

TheRedBarrows · 24/05/2019 08:48

“Would you even find a man who thought he was so lucky to have you as a girlfriend he insisted on paying for everything? Probably not 🤷‍♀️ “

Umm, hithere12 you just proved the point you were trying to argue against Grin

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 08:50

Well all I can say is I’ve known a lot of very attractive women of all ages over the years, but I can honestly tell you I can’t think of one who wouid have dated a man purely for his money, or viewed themselves as an “accessory”. And I literally live in a part of London that has been dubbed the “Stepford Zone” in that it’s mainly SAHMs to very high earning men. They all met the DHs way before they made any money. The whole notion of women seeing themselves as “accessories” or calculating how to date rich men for their money or free dates is a myth as far as I can see. Anyway, if those types exist, you can generally spot them a mile off, so more fool you for dating one.

Hithere12 · 24/05/2019 08:53

I’ve got to love all the bitchyness, implying I’m a gold digger, not a grown woman, but if I clap back I’m in the wrong 🤷‍♀️

DecomposingComposers · 24/05/2019 08:57

Why are you so sneering at some women who in your opinion are only dating a man for his money?

That is actually what you've been arguing for on this thread - a man should pay otherwise he's a tight wad!

What on earth other reason is there for expecting a man to pay for you other than you've got tickets on yourself and think any man is so lucky to be with you that he should pay for the privilege?

Sorry but I'm not for sale and I don't want any man to pay for my company.

Afreet · 24/05/2019 08:59

Indeed,Kennehora. Any time someone asks me for an example of how some women shore up patriarchal values that ultimately disadvantage them, I will show them this thread.

To go back to something someone said way up the thread yesterday, about the 'the man pays' dating dynamic having survived so long 'because it suits people' -- what nonsense.

The reason this survived for so long was because until very recently married women were debarred from some professions (the 'marriage bar' in the civil service existed into my lifetime), and there was in any case the assumption that they would be housewives and SAHMs supported by their husbands after marriage -- so the 'dating dynamic' of the man paying was to a large extent dictated by the fact that he was demonstrating the economic capacity to 'keep a wife', and the woman was determining whether, given that she was going to be entirely economically dependent on this man, he was solvent and generous.

Fortunately, women are no longer disenfranchised in the workplace, can now work in any field whether or not they are married, have maternity leave rights etc even if we're still fighting equal pay/glass ceiling and dealing with longterm career-retarding issues related to maternity leave etc so dating is now a matter of two economically-equal adults meeting to decide whether they like one another.

So no need for 1950s style displays of male financial munificence and ornamental female gameplaying.

Adversecamber22 · 24/05/2019 09:06

I’m a believer in going Dutch.

I did however pay for DH and mines first date but that was because I lost a bet we had on the Welsh referendum. We were friends at that point and the referendum curry became a date.

villamariavintrapp · 24/05/2019 09:08

If you don’t want to see them again split it. If you do, then one of you pay this time, one next?

JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 09:10

It’s not about attractiveness! It’s about being valued!

There are so, so many ways a person can be valued without reducing it to monetary value.

whothedaddy · 24/05/2019 09:20

First date tends to be just drinks to 'test the water'. I would try to arrive early and order and pay for my own coffee/G&T. It takes the awkwardness out of who picks up the tab.

When I met my current partner I wasn't to know that (at the time) he earned 4x more than me. If he suggested anywhere that I couldn't afford to go dutch then I would suggest somewhere I could afford as an alternative. It's not a dates job to treat you to a lifestyle and experiences you couldn't afford yourself.

Once a relationship is established I think it is fine to take it in turns. The person paying gets to choose where you go that fits into their budget. Now my partner and I keep our salaries separate but have a joint account that covers things like treats, holidays, household expenses... so going Dutch every time

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2019 09:30

be valued without reducing it to monetary value as people have stated time and time again its about generosity not the money itself- most of us can afford our own dinner

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2019 09:34

Now my partner and I keep our salaries separate but have a joint account that covers things like treats, holidays, household expenses... so going Dutch every time- not sure of your circumstances but if the scenario of a mat leave were to arise, with such a rigid 50/50 what would happen to the bills with one less salary? Is the woman supposed to use all her personal savings to make up her shortfall in the name of equality?

aprilshowers12 · 24/05/2019 09:37

I’d not want to be beholden to anyone during a date and would insist on paying half if it was a meal. Generally if I’ve met up for a drink the man has bought the first round and I’ve offered a second if I want the evening to continue. If I don’t I make my excuses to leave but offer to buy him a drink first

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 09:37

If I was on a date and realised it wasn’t going anywhere, there is no way I’d let him pay for me. Forget wasting his money - I wouldn’t even be wasting his time (or mine). Why get yourself into an awkward situation like that?

JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 09:39

its about generosity not the money itself

Indeed. Doesn’t the woman need to show “generosity”?

Or is that all on the man?

AhNowTed · 24/05/2019 09:43

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

You're jumping the gun a bit talking about maternity leave here.

I think there'd have been a few conversations about money between the first dates and a baby!

JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 09:45

Now my partner and I keep our salaries separate but have a joint account that covers things like treats, holidays, household expenses... so going Dutch every time

When I was married we did exactly the same.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 09:45

I can only talk from my own experience, but all the men I dated actually wanted to pay and my self-confidence was never so brittle that I automatically interpreted this as belittling or as an assault on my independence. I could accept the gesture for what it was - no need to be up in arms. If I paud for something, they would generally feel the need to “up the ante” by then paying for something else. That’s just how it was. But then I never did casual dating.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2019 09:49

I think there'd have been a few conversations about money between the first dates and a baby! not really, generosity is generosity.
If a man when you meet him is unmotivated or unkempt when you meet him it's unlikely he will change (well past a certain age anyway).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2019 09:50

Indeed. Doesn’t the woman need to show “generosity”? yes- but no woman on this thread has- generosity is not going Dutch.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 09:50

Also, I have to say I wouid never in a million years have had 4 children with a man who insisted on separate bank accounts or any degree of “my” money, “your” money. You must be joking!! I personally could not abide that mentality in a husband for 5 seconds and it’s not what I think marriage is about.

I understand other people think differently, but I’d rather be single than be in a marriage like that.

AhNowTed · 24/05/2019 09:51

I guess it comes down to this for me..

I would insist on paying at least half on a first date. It gives off the vibe that I'm independent, not to be messed with, and I owe you nothing.

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