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Original poster

First Date, who pays?

598 replies

DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 10:29

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 14:34

If they divorced she would be more than fine

Such naivety.

Look at the stats on the number of men who pay adequate maintenance for a start!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2019 14:39

Look at the stats on the number of men who pay adequate maintenance for a start!

should have procreated with the one that paid for the first date

HelenaDove · 24/05/2019 14:40

she didn't think it was the boys job only to be generous or even a 'gent

I find it worrying and also very telling that a lot of men now , think that being a gent only means things to do with money.

I like gents . But for other reasons
Gents who wouldnt even dream of sending a dick pic.

Gents who dont expect the porn aesthetic or for you to perform like a porn star.

Gents who dont expect very high grooming standards therefore dont expect women to somehow pay for all this if they are on Tesco wages.

I know someone called it unkempt but that just makes poorer women feel like crap.

My DH is 23 years my senior and we have been together since 1992. He was a care worker when we met. Two exes also older were a hospital porter and a delivery driver. So my choice to date older has never been to do with money. IME much older men are a lot less sexist than the ones under 50.

JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 14:42

should have procreated with the one that paid for the first date

I paid for the first date. My ex pays above the rate required by CMS.

Nice theory though....

Hithere12 · 24/05/2019 14:43

Such naivety

Look at the stats on the number of men who pay adequate maintenance for a start

It’s not niave 😂 the courts would 100% favour her and it’s not like she’s dating some wasteman. Yes there are a lot of low earning shitheads who never see their kids or pay maintenance but these two are married and he’s a reasonably high earner I assume.

I feel like you just want it to be the case she’d be screwed if she was to get divorced.

Having a full time job whilst having to raise four kids doesn’t sound “empowering” to me Confused

JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 14:44

the courts would 100% favour her

Please don’t make statements as fact when you’re incorrect. It’s irresponsible.

I feel like you just want it to be the case she’d be screwed if she was to get divorced

I don’t know the woman Confused I was making a point, YOU referred it to her. Im glad she’s happy. Not a risk I’ll be encouraging my DD to take.

I was a SAHM with my own funding behind me.

Hithere12 · 24/05/2019 14:48

Please don’t make statements as fact when you’re incorrect. It’s irresponsible

Are you serious? You don’t think the courts with favour the married stay at home mother of four? If they weren’t married I might agree with you but they are.

JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 14:50

You don’t think the courts with favour the married stay at home mother of four?

There are all manner of considerations it is NEVER just as easy to say “the courts will 100% side with the woman”.

Before I took a career break (when I was a corporate stooge.....Wink) I was a conveyancer specialising in marital splits. There is NEVER a situation where it’s possible to say “the courts will 100% do this....”

HelenaDove · 24/05/2019 14:56

Bluntness You do realize that low paid jobs HAVE to be done by someone.

And they are not all done by women who expect a man to pay for them.

Its much more likely that a man will expect a woman to conform to his misogynistic standards of female grooming AND expect her to pay for it on that wage. Ive witnessed this with friends who are on dating sites.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 15:06

If they divorced she would be more than fine

Oh so he should keep paying for her. The old spousal maintenance meal ticket for life thing? Okdoke.

And no my job arguably doesn't add something meaningful for society. But it gives me financial independence, It makes me financially equal in our relationship, I am with my husband because I wish to be, not because I have to be. And it gives my daughter what I perceive to be a strong role model. If we divorced I wouldn't have to be begging for spousal maintenance to live comfortably.

And if you reread my post which got you clutching st your arse cheeks, I didn't refer to myself once in it. I talked about women in general and what they taught their daughters. And it can't be disputed. Women who are not financially independence and chose to do the domestic work tend not to encourage their daughters to do the same. They simply don't.

For the rest of the daft comments I am not even going to dignify them with a response.🤣

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 15:10

Yes Jacques, earning your own money can give you more options. Just as having a DH who respects understands the importance of his DC being with their mum and who is prepared to fully support you in this role gives you other options (as opposed to a DH who can only see the importance of your contribution if it’s financial).

So swings and roundabouts really.

Plus, once you’re married, it’s the family wealth that determines your lifestyle, regardless of who earns it. Unless you are one of the “independent finance” couples - which we are most definitely not.

In the case of divorce, again it’s the family wealth accrued that determines your situation. Plenty of women with careers can still be highly vulnerable after divorce - eg if there is a large mortgage / other debts / not much in the way of savings. You have to look at the overall financial picture.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 15:12

And for anyone who is not a regular, it is very common to see threads on here where women are concerned their daughters are packing up their careers to stay home and the vulnerability they will have, even if they themselves are a stay at home mum or a housewife.

You never see a thread saying my daughter would like to have a career and maintain that though being a parent, I'm gutted.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 15:16

Unless you are one of the “independent finance” couples - which we are most definitely not

Well clearly not if you don't have an actual job.

Just as having a DH who respects understands the importance of his DC being with their mum

What is it your trying to say here about women who work paloma.

Cmon spit it out. You like men to pay for you, elighten us all further with your additional thoughts on us women who chose to work.

I'm sure youre about to cover yourself in even more glory for us to wonder at.

Kennehora · 24/05/2019 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 15:20

I have no view whatsoever about women who work so no need to get super-defensive. You’re barking up the wrong tree.

I am simply saying that I personally wouldn’t have chosen to have 4 DC if I’d had to work full-time. And DH wouldn’t have wanted to live like that either because it’s too hectic.

You and other posters are the ones insinuating I have less choices.

I’m saying to you that maybe I have different kind of choices.

JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 15:20

Just as having a DH who respects understands the importance of his DC being with their mum

My then DH (as he still does now as my ex) respected and understood the need for MY choice.

Kennehora · 24/05/2019 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 15:29

Well paloma you climbed down fast there. 🤣

As Jaques said, I would Phrase it as she did. My husband respects my choices whatever they are, and supports them,.

I wouldn't have said he respects and understands the importance of children being with their mother.

Because we all know exactly what you were implying.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 15:40

No I haven’t “climbed down” from anywhere.

The fact that you’re chomping at the bit to ascribe certain attitudes to me, says more about you than anything else.

You are literally creating a binary argument in your own head that doesn’t even exist. You need to ask yourself why that is.

If I think my DC are better off with me, then I’m allowed to say that. It has no bearing on you or anyone else.

If someone said they think nurseries are beneficial for kids, then I’d say that’s their view and possibly a very valid one.

If you say you’re a better role model for your kids because you work then great. I don’t take that as an insult.

I have absolutely no view on how you organise your life. No axe to bring with anyone. I presume you do what suits you. Why can’t you afford me the same respect?

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 16:05

I just adore how you twist things...

For me it worked that I gave him the money, instead of fighting to make sure I paid every other go...
Had we had a shared bank account he would just have used the card to pay... Same thing.... Do you ever see people who have a joint account fight to see who hands it over...
He was very much an alpha male, his ego needed no stoking, he opened doors, but cooked cleaned and would buy me Tampax if I needed them... So sad you need to try to put your own bias spin on this... I think you may have the problem not me....

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 16:15

Jeez this really is about who pays on the first date.

Mummy you seem to be advocating for the man to pay but then telling us you went Dutch with your ex.

Paloma, you live your best life. And if that's you thinking men should pay for you if you go on a date with them, or even marry them,, then you live by that. Many women won't like your attitude, to say the least, they won't understand how you can behave that way, but as said, you do you.

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 16:21

Bluntness, If you go have one drink, then leave I would want him to pay....I would not be chasing him down the street with a fiver in my hand...
First date is just that.... Not how you deal with ever after.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 16:23

My DH doesn’t “pay for me” fgs. We are married. Wr made vows. We support each other. Everything we do is for our DC and their future. There is no concept of it being “his” money. There never has been. We just don’t think like that, as a couple or as a family.

I couldn’t care less if you like it or not.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 16:24

And who are you to speak on behalf of “many women” Bluntness. You can only speak for yourself.

Hithere12 · 24/05/2019 16:26

And if that's you thinking men should pay for you if you go on a date with them, or even marry them,, then you live by that. Many women won't like your attitude, to say the least, they won't understand how you can behave that way, but as said, you do you

Oh FFS. You are so nasty and spiteful and clearly resentful of your lot in life. She’s bringing up her kids. Her and her husband are a partnership. Her “job” is to raise their children.

I’m sorry you have to work a job you don’t like and are spewing venom at everyone. All the studies show kids are better off with a parent at home so what she’s doing is an extremely important job. I don’t have kids and have no idea what your resentment is towards sahparents.

You aren’t a marytr because you shove your kids in a nursary and sit in front of a screen all day.