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Original poster

First Date, who pays?

598 replies

DreamsOfDownUnder · 23/05/2019 10:29

So I'm going on a first date on Sunday evening for some food and drinks.

I'm planning on going dutch... I think?

What are people's opinion, man/woman pays/go dutch or do we pay for what we've had.. It's been a while since I've been one!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 24/05/2019 12:07

Are you not capable of asking him to put his feet down then?

You find ignorant rude people respond much quicker to a big man telling them to stop than a 5'2" woman...sad but true. If you heard a noise at night in your home, would your husband investigate it or would you? If you'd prefer to deal with potentially dangerous or confrontational situations by yourself when there's a man there, then good for you. Not all of us want to date a wet lettuce type.

Afreet · 24/05/2019 12:07

He's a miserable bastard for expecting a reciprocal drink.

You sit on your hands all night and that's fine cos your hair looks nice.

Jesus wept.

That appears to be about the size of it, yes. But thanks for making me laugh at least, amidst the morass of underthinking reactionary crap on the thread. Grin

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 12:14

There’s that word again - “reactionary”. Love it!

As it is, I’m just a mum in West London who explained a little about how it was when her and her DH card in the 90s.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 12:19

Dated (not card)!

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 12:25

When I used to go out with my ex, I used to put £20 in his back pocket as we walked into the pub....
He then would buy me a drink with it, and always buy all the drinks all night...
We parted as good friends, and his next girlfriend was so peed off that he always made her buy rounds,. I loved it as she complained so much about it...
Used to love to hand him £5 that she couldn't see so he still looked like he was buying me a drink....

AhNowTed · 24/05/2019 12:26

@Pa1oma

I am older than you (you said 40s, I'm 50s).

Your thinking is outdated. It may be your experience of the 90s but it's not mine. And it doesn't work like that anymore.

The thought that my clever independent daughter would be encouraged (by other women!) to sit there waiting for a man to pay makes me bloody angry.

Afreet · 24/05/2019 12:34

You seem weirdly obsessed with the word 'reactionary', Pa1oma. It is a perfectly accurate assessment of your position on the matter under discussion. Why does it surprise you so much?

And I'm also in my 40s, and started seeing my now-husband in 1992. I don't think this is generational. I think the difference must be that you were auditioning a man to see whether he was going to support you for decades while you were economically inactive, whereas being economically dependent on anyone else would not have occurred to me as something in my future, barring catastrophe.

When I used to go out with my ex, I used to put £20 in his back pocket as we walked into the pub....

Do explain, mummmy. Would his ickle penis have shrivelled and fallen off if you'd bought the drinks, or something?

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 12:35

Not all of us want to date a wet lettuce type

Jesus did indeed weep. My husband is ex forces and I don't think any has ever called him a wet lettuce, not to his face anyway, but I'm still comfortable in telling a drunk to fuck off or a bloke to put his feet down and not need him to do it for me.

Happyspud · 24/05/2019 12:36

I wonder what Lesbian couples do on a date with regards paying? Whatever that is is likely to be what heterosexual couples should be doing. Mutual respect, no financial power or expectation from either side.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 12:39

I loved it as she complained so much about it.

Gosh why are you so jealous of her? I assume he dumped you?

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 12:41

No , he was a great guy...
I just used to pay my way as I had more dissosible income than him, by putting the money in his pocket it was our in joke...

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 12:44

Well you're clearly deeply jealous of her.

formerbabe · 24/05/2019 12:45

but I'm still comfortable in telling a drunk to fuck off or a bloke to put his feet down and not need him to do it for me

So if you were out with your husband, and you were being hassled, are you honestly saying you'd deal with it and your dh would just stand there and not get involved?!

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 12:46

Why do I have to give up a best mate just because I stopped dating him.... He knew how funny I thought it was....

formerbabe · 24/05/2019 12:47

@mummmy2017

How embarrassing. You filling his pocket with cash so he can look like the big man at the bar!

Coldilox · 24/05/2019 12:52

Happyspud Can’t speak for others but we split the bill first date, after that one would pay one time then the other the next time. Or whoever was most flush at the time. Or we’d split it. Now 16 years later she just helps herself to money out of my wallet 😂

Same with girlfriends before that too (without the 16 years later bit)

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 12:53

I hated going to the bar, it worked for us,. No rushing to pay for a round of drinks, to keep it fair...

Mind you it might be because in our family I remember the men going to the pub and one time every male relative went to get their wife's purse as they had no cash...
It real was a family joke...
Three generations of men getting some pocket money ...

JacquesHammer · 24/05/2019 13:03

Search it up
Uni studies, date sites,. Even men's forums

Ah yes, all the last bastions of meaningful data.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/05/2019 13:04

I just used to pay my way as I had more dissosible income than him, by putting the money in his pocket it was our in joke

yes someone was indeed laughing....not you

mummmy2017 · 24/05/2019 13:13

So I paid my own way, when out on a date,. OH would buy our friends a drink out of my money and spend the same himself,. Just because I didn't stand at the bar and get my purse out means nothing... What should he have given me a bill at the end of the evening. So I could just give him the money at the end of the night instead of the begining...

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 13:13

So if you were out with your husband, and you were being hassled, are you honestly saying you'd deal with it and your dh would just stand there and not get involved?!

He wouldn't have to get involved I would deal with it. And if he did then it's because it's serious. I tend to get more hassled when alone than with him, so I'm adept at dealing with it and blokes tend to not do it when he's around.

And quite frankly when a man gets involved it can escalate it. Very often it's much easier for a woman to bat away the obnoxious drunk,

I'd rather he didn't get involved, because the kind of man who would hassle me when he's there is looking for trouble. The over whelming majority of men wouldn't consider it.

I think I'd be more concerned if I was with a man who other blokes looked at and thought didn't matter and hassled me in front of him. But each to their own.

gamerwidow · 24/05/2019 13:25

nope far better a man who expects you to push out a kid and then jump straight back into work to pay your share!!!
Except that isn’t what it is though is it. Some women have careers they’ve worked hard for and don’t want to sacrifice just because they’ve had kids. Having a partner who respects you as an equal is essential for that.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 13:32

Well you can call me reactionary if you like, that’s up to you. I just find it interesting.

My experience is as valid as yours. It is what it is.

If I was “auditioning a man”, well, aren’t we all to some degree or other? Isn’t that kind of what dating is about?

Aren’t we all entitled to define our own boundaries when it comes to relationships?

I can honestly say, that when I was in my 20s, the whole notion of finding a man who would spend money on me never crossed my mind. But, at the same time, I know my own mind as much as the next woman. I know what I respect and and I know what I’m attracted to so I’m not going to pretend otherwise. What’s the point of that?

It’s only in retrospect now (I’ve been married 18 years or so), that I can look back and actually see that the attitudes DH has back then actually were a clue as to how things would pan out in our marriage and particularly when children came along. Obviously it’s suited me - otherwise we wouldn’t have lasted would we? So who is anyone else to stand on the PC soapbox and tell me our way of doing things was /is inferior to theirs? It’s ridiculous.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2019 13:36

By the way, my son is 16 and he just said he would expect to pay but not force the issue if it made a girl uncomfortable.

Sounds like he has more of a clue than some on this thread and he hasn’t really had a girlfriend yet!

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2019 13:41

Except that isn’t what it is though is it. Some women have careers they’ve worked hard for and don’t want to sacrifice just because they’ve had kids. Having a partner who respects you as an equal is essential for that.

Well said. It's so sad that women are posting on here that men "expect them" to have babies, like some form of animal.i had a child because I wanted one, as did he. I did not have a child because he expected it. Nor did I return to work because he expected it. Nor would I would ha e stayed home if he had expected it. I had a career, I have a career, one I worked hard for, and I was the one doing the expecting. Expecting him to be responsible for fifty percent of the child care, expecting him to support by decision . That was my expectation. He married his equal. My decisions on my life were what mattered.

I simply would not have had a child with some arsehol who expected me to push out babies like some animal and then stay home to raise our child like my career didn't matter, and whilst I was at it, to wash his pants, cook his dinner, and clean up his shit, because I was living under his gift and he paid for me.

Fuck that.

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