Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

Entitled not untitled

When ds was a toddler, IF dp was lucky enough to have me home all week, our week would be:-
4:30- dp up and walk dogs
5:00- me up and showered
5:30-ds2 up, dp changed his nappy and gave him a bottle
6:00- dp left for work
6:30- ds1 up and dressed etc
7:00- drop ds2 at mums and ds1 at breakfast club
7:40- I’d drive wherever I was that day for meetings up to 150 miles there and back
2:00- dp pick up ds2
3:30- dp pick up ds1
5:00- dp does tea etc
6:00 I’m home if I’m lucky
6;30- dp baths both dc
7:00- we both do bedtime
7:30- I cook whilst dp does washing, any washing up, ironing for next day
8:00- we eat
8:30 I open my laptop and work until midnight or 2am
10;00- dp is in bed

Or I could be away Monday-Friday, so dp would have to do it.
Or I could be working from home all week, so I can do the school runs, tea, baths etc.

So if you want honestly, your day looks pretty straight forward to me.at least you know what you are doing one week to the next! But seriously your dp needs to pull his finger out. So fucking what if you have pasta and stir fry every week, if he doesn’t like it, tell him to cook his own food!

Do think twice about adding another baby into the mix! I have 10mo DC2 and it's such a lot of extra work.

I start work at 7am and often finish at 6pm. I got into the habit of not taking lunchbreaks and I was too tired post work to excercise. You have to take control of this and prioritise your health and fitness, you are entitled to take a lunchbreak, so put your work aside and take it. I have work coming out of my ears and could be at my desk 7 days a week, but I won't compromise my health anymore.

I have found a room in our office where I can put down my yoga mat and lock the door and practice for an hour every day and it does me the power of good. If this isn't practical, get your running shoes on and get outside. Regular excercise will also have the added benefit of of increasing your energy levels. It's a win win.

Men who insist you go to bed at the same time usually demand sex on their own terms, in my experience?

He is conducting his life like a man without children.

Our gym has a crèche on certain days. Could you find something similar and go on your day off/weekend?
Also either take the bedtime routine in turns or DH cooks whilst you do it.
Our life is very similar and it is just about trying to eek out a little time for yourself. DH usually takes the kids to the park for a couple of hours on a weekend so I get a bit of time to myself which is lovely.
If you're really struggling could you put DS in nursery for a morning on the day you are off so you have a few hours. It could be temporary for s few months just until you feel a bit more rested.

It's normal to be knackered with a schedule like yours, but as others have said, not so normal for your DH to do nothing while you do everything in the evenings. Some days in our house one of us will do more than the other, but generally it's very equal. I really enjoy cooking so I tend to do most of it but this is my choice. We always make sure we both have time to exercise in the evening if we want to. Once we're both in from work, one of us is in charge of DS - either doing his tea/bath/bedtime etc - while the other goes out for a run or hops on the cross trainer. And on days neither of us can be bothered to exercise, whoever does bath time gets out of doing the washing up, or we just chuck a jacket potato in the oven or do beans on toast for tea to make life easier all round. You definitely need to make changes so that your DH does more, this really isn't fair on you and I feel like you must have known this when you were writing your post as it really sticks out as what's obvious about your exhausting day.

And take a lunch break at work too!

I've come to this late so looks like you have a good plan of action, but your life doesn't look too different from mine (and I have two kids, 4 and 6).

Agree with you going out to get some me-time/gym/run when he does bedtime - that's perfect (and I used to do the same when we only had one kid!). Toddler needs to get used to this now. When number 2 comes along this will be much easier as you will have to do their bedtime (assuming you will be breast feeding).

And my kids always want 'mummy' for bedtime by the way. But that's too bad, and daddy is an excellent second choice!

Also he HAS to cook if you are doing bedtime. It's madness that he's sitting on his hands or whatever when you are sorting bed and then coming to cook. This is unsustainable, especially when they start to stay up later or when you have a newborn as well!

He can train himself to do nice dinners can't he?

Good luck, this is fixable I think. Please come and update us when you've had a chance to talk!

I do think the bed thing is a bit odd. We go to bed at different times sometimes, but wouldn't dream of sleeping separately. Or we'll go to bed together and I'll stay awake and read for a bit or watch something with headphones.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks sleeping 3-5hrs a night is not good at all especially if you have to drive the next day, I hope you didn't do that often. Again I would be saying with that timetable your dp makes your food at the same time as the kids and there is no need for two of you cooking every day (bet he did just eat with kids when you were away). I hope you work/life balance is better now!

Sometimes we get that feeling of because we are Mums we "ought"to be doing it!.Do you think you spoilt your hubby with lovely meals when it was just the two of you?.You both need to understand when both parents work ,there has to be more of a shared partnership TBH,or you face burnout as you have discovered!.See if you can both prepare a meal on a Saturday, something simple and tasty (stir fry/spag bol )etc and then in the week ,say Tuesday and Thursday make "his " night to cook the meals you practised together .As far as bedtime is concerned can you make 10pm into 10.30 ,this shouldnt impact too much on his sleep .

I think if you let things be like this when your child(ren) are small, it will just get worse as they grow. I've made exactly that mistake and still doing everything after three kids, two still at school. So if I work it out, I've been the one with all responsibility for kids for the last 26 years and I still have 12yo and 10yo. Sorting out everything they need for school, trips, hobbies, clothes, transfer to school, high school, university, career......DH takes no responsibility and thinks it's all easy. Not only that but make sure you contribute fairly to the finances. I've ended up having to pay for things, shop for things, bring them home and cook them, all whilst working every day. My advice is to make some changes now and especially before you have another child. You deserve some care yourself, stop doing all the work xxx

This might sound incredibly obvious but can you do home workouts with your toddler there when you get home from work? I do 20 mins daily of a basic Davina McCall workout, it's easy to fit in, enough to keep me feeling reasonably fit and a lot better than nothing. Much easier than trying to commit to leaving the house for 2 hours to go to the gym.

On another note, my 20 something, single childless direct report came in late AGAIN and when he me that he was just so tired and sooo busy it was hard to get up before 7.30am I had to stop myself from coming across the table at him and giving him a bloody slap! I told the man-child to get up earlier.

So many responses, thank you!

The thread has moved from practical advice to a bit of digging into how we've got here, which is fair enough. I have been aware that this is an imbalance between me and my husband, though the strength of the responses on here has given me pause for thought. Some of it we have slipped into and I'm not quite sure how that happened. A lot of it I've tried to address in the past and perhaps things will improve for a while, or more often than not a request for more time has been taken as a one-off request - so I say I need more time for me and my husband would take our son out for a few hours. But it wouldn't then turn into a regular thing.

I think the idea of having more shared labour as a routine is probably quite key, so that my requests aren't seen as one-off needs. I think I will start running/exercise class at our son's bedtime a couple of times a week, and also address that I need my husband to do something to give me some time at the weekend.

By running from task to task without factoring in shared workload and efficiency OP is becoming more tired and probably becoming entrenched in a vicious cycle

This really sums it up for me. Including perhaps the reason as to how we got here. Because running from task to task means that I can't even be bothered to think about the energy needed to address all of this. In fact perhaps the reason I'm thinking about it again now is that I have come out of the end of a very busy period at work. Perhaps even thinking about it is a sign that I've had a bit of headspace again (though clearly not enough).

It's funny that some people have said it's a normal schedule (even though we could manage our time and responsibilities better), and some have said it's a lot. I imagine this reflects personality type as well. I know, for example, that I'm someone who functions far far better when I've rested, and for me in an ideal world that would be very restful rest (reading, TV, sitting still essentially!). Whereas some other people might really want to actively fill all their time.

The lunch break. I'm responsible for my own work and so when I work through it's to deliver on deadlines etc. That also means that it's my choice if I do or don't take a lunch break, though sometimes I'm not taking one out of habit rather than necessity. It's a fair point that we work better when rested. I'll take a week of lunch breaks out of the office now we're a bit quieter at work as my starting point.

@SnowyAlpsandPeaks I honestly honestly don't think I'd survive your schedule without being seriously burned out.

Op, can I just say you sound lovely! Working so hard for the people you love, cooking glorious meals, taking all these comments so calmly. I hope things get better for you

I still don't understand the bed situation. Lots of people go to bed at different times and share a room. The other person is asleep so what does it matter (unless the first to bed is a snorer)

I think you should sort out the division of jobs before ttc and having a third person relying on you.

Best of luck.

It sounds fairly normal to me but the stand out thing to me from your post is that your husband needs to muck in more, ie he needs to cook a few times during the week and if he really won’t then he needs to be a bit more reasonable about the standard of meal he “expects” you should both weather the storm of him helping out with toddlers bedtime more too, bit of a tough time for a week or so and you will probably find toddler is more accepting of dad getting involved. Short term pain for long term gain! Try easier meals like chicken salad or omelette a few nights a week? Good luck.

@arethereanyleftatall Oh my goodness YOU'RE lovely!

Oh and don’t let your husband dictate what time you go to bed, you’re and adult!

Could you have quick, easy, child friendly meals at about 5.30/6 on weekdays and then nice meals after the toddler is in bed at the weekends? And cooking double portions then freezing is a life saver! I never cook just one portion of things like lasagne, bolognese, fish pie, curry etc.

Your dh needs to step up. Either he stops being so fussy about dinners, or cooks while you do ds's bedtime or does bedtime himself. And he needs to spend more time with ds so you need to go out and have some time for yourself.

I think you should seriously reconsider ttc until your dh is pulling his weight. Two kids is ALOT harder than one and if you are feeling so burnt out with one then having another is definitely not going to improve things.

OP, I'm an older mother too, just turned 43 and dc2 is 1. I can relate to a lot of your situation.

One thing I've realised is that if exercise needs to happen it'll happen. I found it impossible to exercise too until I got pregnant with dc2 and got gestational diabetes. Suddenly, a 30 min walk was a mandatory part of my day (exercise keeps blood sugar down). Guess what? I did that walk every single day until dc2 was born. right through the winter, rain or shine, I walked after dinner. Big lesson there was whether or not you do something is about how much you prioritise it.

It is a lot harder with two, so I would sort things out as much as possible now, to set a good precedent for then.

I have a list of easy yet nice recipes for weekdays (some nicer than others obv). E.g. one I got on here was spinach, asparagus, cherry tomatoes, chicken breasts, mozz cheese all in same casserole dish in that order, 180 degrees for 40 mins. serve with baguette.

hth

Okay, the separate bedtimes thing. He doesn't function well on not much sleep, he's also a light sleeper, has trouble getting off to sleep at times, and has adult night terrors, not all the time but enough that he's often dealing with bad quality sleep.

I do pretty well on less sleep, and it's a rare occurrence for me to be unable to get to sleep. I have good quality from when I go to bed till when I wake, generally.

The impact on my bedtime does annoy me, but it's probably not possible for me to sneak in a bit later as he would wake up. So I either choose to go to sleep at the same time (and we might have a cuddle - NOT a euphemism, any sex would be earlier in the evening before we're too tired), or one of us will sleep in the other room.

I don't want to get into defending my husband over this or anything else I've mentioned, and I agree that he could and should step up. But I do love him, and I don't want him to have rubbish sleep. And I like a hug at bedtime.

A compromise of either him staying up later a couple of nights a week or accepting separate beds a regular couple of nights a week might work.

As you know, the problem with academic work is that it's never done. You're never really off the clock, which means that you always feel behind. (People think it's a flexible job, and in some ways it is, but it's also relentless.)

The key is always to create your own boundaries. They don't have to be big, but they have to be firm. So, for lunch: I understand you feeling like every moment of the day is valuable if you don't want to have to work at night. But there are absolutely 20 minutes baked into your day somewhere. Take your lunch, go outside, eat it slowly, and walk around a block/building/awful artificial pond. Set a hard deadline past which you won't respond to emails from students/postdocs/colleagues. It sounds like you're already doing a good job about compressing work into work days.

But these kind of carveouts exist more broadly. It sounds like your husband probably thinks he's doing great dad work, and on the whole, he probably is. But that doesn't mean things can continue as they have before. So, here's a boundary: you'll cook X number of days a week. The other days are his. He can do a ready meal, he can do recipes, or he can order out. But for, say, three days a week, that's not your job. Take that half hour for regrouping.

A couple things I've found useful:
a. I hate batch cooking, and I'm terrible about it. But I've found I don't mind just doubling what I'm making for that night and throwing half in the freezer. So if you're making, say, lentil soup, just double the portions and save half. It doesn't take almost any more time and it doesn't feel like a giant fuss, but it means you have 3-4 meals on tap in the freezer for night when you just don't have it in you.

b. Can you combine exercise with stillness? Restorative yoga has been great for meit's less about the stretch than about the forced silence and stillness. If you can swing the time/money, massages once a month also do thatthere is nowhere for you to be but there, and no one can bother you.

c. If you're in a teaching academic job, you're coming up on the quiet time of the year. If you do some of the boring bureaucratic bullshit at this point, it will pay dividends when things get crazy once the students return. If there's anything you can do ahead of time (prompts, reports, CV updates, whatever), then this will make you feel less miserable come the autumn. Think of it as batchcooking academic nonsense.