Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

You are working long shifts 7.30-4.45 (9 hours+) so you need to take an hour for lunch - use that time to leave the premises, eat lunch, read a book or go for a walk.
Your DH needs to do alternate bathtimes - his relationship with your toddler won't improve without spending regular time with him. Whoever is not doing bath/bedtime needs to cook. He obviously copes with breakfast/nursery drop off when you are not there.
I'd also say you need a period of a couple of hours child-free every weekend or on a non-working evening to do something you want to do - whether that's exercising or pursuing a hobby.

The scariest thing for me about this whole thread, is that prior to reading the responses, it didn't occur to the op that maybe the dh could take care of his own son, or that maybe it's not right that one spouse demands extravagant food from the other, or dictates the bedtime for both.

Great that you've taken the comments on board op, but you need to understand completely that his wants do not come before yours. After all, what is all this teaching your son? He's seeing that it's fine for the man to have a much easier life and the woman shouldn't complain about it.

Your work day is pointlessly long. Seriously fuck it. Stop working so many hours. Take a full lunch break and don't do any bloody work during it! That would make a huge difference to your mental health because that lunch break is your time, where you get to be alone and recharge if you want or go out with a friend etc. No demands of toddler, husband or housework during your lunch break, because you are physically outside the home!

Reclaim your life, stop doing things because you think other people want you to. Fuck them

What everyone else said really, you need to share the load of looking after the child and cooking dinner a bit more. The toddler only “prefers” you because you’re always the one doing everything

When I went back to work. Friday was no cook night. If the weather was good it was a picnic in the park with children or god help us Charlie Chalk meal, or a bag of chips on the quay whilst children played in the sand. That was our down time with DC OH did work full time though. It was a good start to the weekend.

Just a couple of practical suggestions in line with what you've already planned:

Commit to an exercise class/gym session/ run on set days. Agree those days with DH. Those are his days to handle the bed and bath routine etc. You're out of the house so don't have to deal with any screaming and it's set in stone (this is something DH and I have done from the start. For both of us).

Invest in a kindle. That way even if you go to bed with him, you can lie quietly reading for half an hour if you like. I'd go for the old school paper white version which don't create the glare of a tablet.

And my favourite bang in the oven, veggie easy meal which DH and I eat regularly!!

Big pile of cherry/plum tomatoes in a roasting dish with some olive oil, few cloves of garlic and, if you want, some chilli or other preferred herb/spice. Roast for roughly 40 minutes (I like this one because I stick them in whenever then just turn the oven off and leave them if it's still too early to make actual dinner).

Serve on cooked pasta with avocado and goats cheese.

Good luck. I do think the main challenge is not feeling like you have to take the lead on everything.

So that seems quite normal to me with a toddler EXCEPT:

Your DH isn't helping enough. Toddler 'preference' my hole. That's up there with the woman doing the cooking or cleaning because she's 'better' at it than the male adult in the family.

You're not getting much time for yourself at all. We alternate cooking and bedtimes all week long. One of you should be doing toddler wind down ( they don't need daily bath) while the other preps dinner. Or you could go to yoga or for a run or whatever when DH does the toddler then you come in and shower/make dinner.
As for 'nice' dinners - have cereal now and again, or a toastie or a take away or a salad or leftovers.

And sort out your lunchtimes. Take time for a walk listening to an audio book, or eat lunch outside in the sunshine.

Weekends - do you have time to yourself then? Do you get to see friends, go for drinks with the girls/boys, do a hobby?

Your issue is that you have a partner not pulling his weight and another child isn't going to help.

Just realised I missed half your post! Your DH is even more useless than I already thought...

Pffff toddler preference.

DH needs to do 59% bath and bed routines.

On the nights when he doesn’t, he cooks.

You need to split the evening activities more fairly.

This tiptoeing into the spare room because OH is precious about his sleep baffles me. OH goes to bed earlier than me if he moaned when I slipped between the sheets he would be sorry. What is OP`s partner doing whilst working part time is wearing him out so much ?

Sounds pretty normal to me (work full time, no time for lunch break, almost-three-year old DC1 and pregnant with DC2) - aside from the fact that you and your husband do not share the childcare evenly.

DC1 definitely prefers my DH (he will scream and cry when he finds out that it is mummy's turn to read him stories) but we operate on a strict rotation for bed time - DC1 just has to deal with it. That way each of us gets a break every two days.

I also do most of the cooking (because I love cooking and am a much better cook), but DH does a lot of the other housework.

Might be worth writing down ALL the jobs that need to be done at home (including childcare, which is not a job, obviously!) and noting down who is currently doing them, then sitting down with DH and working out a fair rotation. It took DH and I a few years (pre-children) to figure out a good division of labour, but our house runs pretty smoothly now as we both know what is expected of us.

Agree with everyone else that your DH needs to do more to help. If you're not familiar with the concept of emotional labour, it sounds like you'd benefit from reading up on it. This is a great place to start: www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

On a more practical note, re:

Not cooking every night would make a massive difference.

@tenderoni I cook enough for four people, and we eat the same thing two days on the trot. I love this because it means I can make something nice, but only cook every other day.

Oh and do not have another baby until you split evening tasks evenly.

And 100% don’t try to conceive #2 until you’ve sorted out a more equitable home life.

Your DH sounds like a bit of an arse tbh.

Arethereanyleftatall is spot on, OP.

It does worry me that there's a lot of pandering to the males in your life in your post, tbh. OK, one's a toddler, and I get that they have preferences, but those can only be indulged to a (rather small) degree. What I don't understand is all the expecting your husband does - expects the child-entertaining to default to you, expects you to cook nice meals AFTER doing the bedtime stuff (usual division of labour would be one cooks while the other does bedtime, surely?), expects you to go to bed at the same time (!). And the fact that he has you well-trained enough to accept those expectations. What's at the root of that?

Your working day sounds par for the course for an academic, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't carve out time for a lunchbreak. There's only so much functioning-at-full-pelt you can do.

Your dh should be embarrassed that your ds prefers you. He spends the same amount of time with both of you.

A couple of things that stand out to me:

1. If you have the spend the majority of time with toddler, then the housework/cooking shouldn't be 50:50. Why can't he do that while you're minding toddler?
2. If you want some alone time/ down time, why not have 1 hour every evening when husband goes to bed?

What I mean by the pandering to the males is - atm it's very clear, from the way your home life is, that your husband comes first, and at some point - quite possibly earlier than you think - your son will start noticing.

Tell toddler you will be taking it in turns to put him to bed. Get a new book or something that only daddy can read. He wont like it but will quickly accept it.

Who ever does bed, the other cooks tea- their choice of.

Tbh its shit your husband sits on his arse while you do bath and bed then demands an elaborate tea after - my husband will say at tea time after a busy day just to do something quick so we can both relax (I like cooking so end up doing over elaborate things sometimes).

Sort that out and you will have a lot more time in the evening

Also your compressed hour days are very very long is there any way you could just do 4 days

And another thing; sorry I'm on a roll; why do you work full time hours in 4 days to spend a day with your son, when your dh just does normal hours during his 4 days to have a day with his son.

Your partner works part time and you do the lions share of the the cooking, caring and compromising. Fucking hell....

I am amazed at the couple of people saying they fit a lot more in- what, getting up earlier that 5.45am?! Even if they can, I couldn't. Academic work can be difficult when you have small children, like other jobs which are similar, because you have to be able to think clearly and it isn't well-suited to being part of a multi-tasking set of jobs, I don't find. To write a book or a paper takes extreme focus, and that's hard to achieve if you are tired.

This is why everyone is saying the OP can manage time better and get plenty more of it, no need for less sleep at all. Taking a lunch break at work for example, is essential because as you rightly point out, the more tired you are the slower you work so by not taking any breaks there is a sunk cost fallacy. Taking the break means you work better and faster cos you are not so tired. Compressing the work load at home to get what needs done as efficiently as possible (cooking and kid is biggie here) gives more time for catch up/ sleep/ unwind. By running from task to task without factoring in shared workload and efficiency OP is becoming more tired and probably becoming entrenched in a vicious cycle. She has to get her team mate on board to share the load properly (and that means everyone capable of every job not cherry picking) and both need to streamline the task list.

Second child is a bad idea right now, there is a mad jump in workload from 1 to 2 which requires military level management. It more than doubles the workload for some reason. This is the easy practise run!

Whilst you're doing bath and bedtime, he should be cooking dinner and a quick tidy round. Then you both get to enjoy the rest of your evening.

You have a DH problem, not a time management one.

Chase up the no break at work thing too. You are legally entitled to a 20 minute break after 6 hours.

To be honest it doesn't sound like that much but I have a pretty busy life and a dp that doesn't help much so I know how wearing it can be.
Why does your dp get to dictate what you make for dinner, tell him to like or lump it. If you are worn out you need to make him help more at night time.
The thing that I would be really pissed about is not getting a lunch break. You are legally untitled to one, so take it.

Sounds normal for me but I'm single and have a couple more children. If I wasn't single, I would require and expect my partner to pull his weight and I wouldn't be actively trying for another baby until he did.
Cooking once a day is enough as well. I wouldn't cook two separate meals for the children and then myself, we either eat together or I will have my portion once they're in bed.