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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
F1zzB1zz · 23/05/2019 07:49

Op it does sound as if you only want to marry him for financial protection. That sounds equally ‘icky’.

A prenup sounds fair, if it was the other way round there would be calls with bells on to protect yourself.

Unless he forbid you to work I don’t think you can really complain, I’d wait and see what the prenup is. He should keep anything he came into the relationship with.

PeakedTooEarly · 23/05/2019 07:50

I would NOT get legal advice. I would sign it as close to the wedding as I could.
You would be better off married for a start and by not consulting a lawyer, if it goes wrong it's evident you were under pressure. That, combined with the grey area about them currently in the UK, should have you fairly well covered money wise.
If you don't get married you are really on the back foot so smile sweetly but demur a bit and then sign is my advice.
We considered prenups as I had a lot more than DH but I decided against it as I didn't want it hanging over us. Long term his earnings and pension have evened things out.

Notonthestairs · 23/05/2019 07:52

I have to say the timing of this suggestion is what makes it really bad. 8 weeks before your wedding? He's clearly been looking in to it for a while.

And the fact that he hasn't given you any idea of what he's proposing.

You can go and see a solicitor now to get an idea of where you stand and your options.

MsTSwift · 23/05/2019 07:52

I’d bet my hat the wedding is prompted by inheritance tax. He wants his spousal allowance his solicitor or possibly accountant will have explained that. He wants the tax alllowance but not the obligation to you hence wedding and prenup.

ArchieHarrison · 23/05/2019 07:53

There is some appalling misinformation spouted as fact here

Op is substantially better off married with a negotiated pre nup than not married.

He has given 8 weeks’ notice not 8 hours so to sign without advice would be gross stupidity. Get a very good lawyer and negotiate hard based on the length of relationship and assets at the start. He will pay for the lawyer.

The financial aspect is utterly straightforward in that respect, and bear in mind that this man will have been advised by his financial adviser and his lawyer and his friends NEVER to marry. He’s had her sacrifice her career to bring up his kids already and he currently owes her precisely nothing if they split. He’s doing what he’s been advised but is doing it in an extremely hurtful way - that part is harder. But fgs use your head not your heart and negotiate for yourself like it’s a business dealing because that’s precisely what it is. Don’t mess about with some local high street jack of all trades solicitor, get one of the proper players (after all, he will be picking up the tab).

CherryPavlova · 23/05/2019 07:53

I find this so offensive I am wondering whether it’s just crossed wires? Has he actually said a pre nuptial agreement? Does he not mean wills, a family trust and LPA, perhaps?

Even then I would have thought that should have happened at point of having children to secure their futures should anything happen to you both.

It’s truly insulting to not include you in discussion prior to speaking to a solicitor if it is about wills etc. It’s heinous if it’s for a pew nuptial agreement.

PicsInRed · 23/05/2019 07:54

Op it does sound as if you only want to marry him for financial protection. That sounds equally ‘icky’

Yeah and after 13 years and 3 children, so she bloody should.

Cheeky bastard that he is.

OP, dont marry him if it has to be with a prenup - that will just make any divorce more expensive and less likely to result in a reasonable settlement - but with enormous legal fees and stress. Separating without divorce is logistically so much easier.

I also like the idea about NOT getting legal advice and dating it right before the wedding.
Fuck that guy.

augustusglupe · 23/05/2019 07:56

Get your own Solicitor from a different Solicitors from him. Do NOT sign any papers he gives you OP
My FIL was apparently making suggestions of some sort of pre nup agreement before I married DH 30 years ago. DH would of have none of it!! FIL was a controlling arse who died lonely and bitter.
13 years together and 3 kids and he’s saying this?? Do you really want to marry him now?!

Dungeondragon15 · 23/05/2019 07:58

What a bastard! I totally disagree with suggestions that you should walk away at this point as then you will be penniless. I think your best option is to stall. Don't get any legal advice either. Then if you do eventually have to sign, it will be clear that you were pretty much forced to and it will be less likely to be valid I would have thought. Personally after this I would only want to stay married for a couple of years but I would still get married in an attempt to get back some of what I invested in the relationship in terms of childcare etc.

NataliaOsipova · 23/05/2019 08:00

Op it does sound as if you only want to marry him for financial protection. That sounds equally ‘icky’

If she’d met him six months ago, I’d agree. But they’ve been together for 13 years and have 3 kids for whom she’s been the full time carer, thereby facilitating his career and acquisition of assets....

ArchieHarrison · 23/05/2019 08:01

The notion about not getting legal advice over the course of 8 long weeks when there will be a clear paper trail of how far ahead it was presented to her is completely wrong. She has the opportunity to take control of the situation and she should.

DorisDances · 23/05/2019 08:01

I can totally understand your feelings, especially given the timings. It would take the shine off the wedding for me also. I'd be letting him know how I feel - perhaps a mate in the pub has suggested it and he hasn't thought through the relevance given your length of relationship. I hope you find a way to move forward positively

Evilspiritgin · 23/05/2019 08:02

I own my own house and have my own money there is no way in hell would I get married again for some man to take 50%

Why are some posters suggesting op get spousal support? As there is another thread at the moment where the dh ex partner has ss and most people are saying it’s laughable

Icandothisallday · 23/05/2019 08:05

But fgs use your head not your heart and negotiate for yourself like it’s a business dealing because that’s precisely what it is. Don’t mess about with some local high street jack of all trades solicitor, get one of the proper players (after all, he will be picking up the tab).

Exactly. OP could actually get herself some further protection. Not just him.

But people talk about playing games, not getting advice so its void.

If the marriage is short, the pre up voided op could find herself in a position where the judge only considers assets gained during the period of marriage.

Dungeondragon15 · 23/05/2019 08:06

Actually, I would take that back about not getting legal advice. I think that you should as it least you will have an idea of his assets after that. I still would marry with the intention of getting divorced in the future once I had been married long enough to get whatever was agreed in the prenup.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2019 08:06

If you genuinely believed you'd never split then this would not be relevant. He thinks it's a possibility and has said as much.

If you are not in it for the money, as in getting married for it, id have a look at his proposal. Because simply put, your only entitled to half of what is gained after yh marriage, not what he had before, that remains his. So there is a very good chance here this agreement will financially protect you more than marriage will. Ie it may be in your favour.

ArchieHarrison · 23/05/2019 08:09

@dungeondragon makes the excellent point that a proper negotiation will require full disclosure of assets and the most likely reason for a negotiated pre nup not being considered on divorce is a failure by one party to make full disclosure.
And btw- if either of you is likely to inherit from a parent, you can negotiate what happens to that.

Go forth, be strong and turn this to your advantage- this is not the time to be passive.

LuaDipa · 23/05/2019 08:10

How cold and calculating of him to do this so close to the wedding. If he had discussed this from the beginning I don’t feel it would be such a huge issue but he is trying to railroad you into this. I’m not sure I could ever forgive such a betrayal.

I would honestly just refuse to sign. And if he chose to call off the wedding that would tell me everything I need to know. If he doesn’t trust you enough to have rational, balanced discussion about any issue, and instead feels he has to gain your agreement by stealth, even after 13 years of building a life and family together, this relationship is doomed anyway.

Booboosweet · 23/05/2019 08:11

It really strikes me reading this that no one, man or woman, should ever give up their earning ability. I think people tend to be too cavalier about money and just think 'it'll be alright.' It won't necessarily be alright unless you ensure it's alright, by working. I am married but even so, would never give up my ability to pull in a good salary because you never know what life is going to throw at you and how much money you will need.

NataliaOsipova · 23/05/2019 08:14

I own my own house and have my own money there is no way in hell would I get married again for some man to take 50%

But she’s not “some woman”, is she? They’ve built a life and a family together over 13 years. They’ve jointly decided the best thing for them is for her to take care of those children. It’s not an abstract situation we are discussing here.

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2019 08:14

Have you seen the pre-nup? it might just be something like assigning specific assets to each child to be kept in trust until they are 21 or so. which makes a lot of sense if you don’t know much about finance, and he does. or an investment strategy in case he dies before you.
But why would that be a prenup? That sounds like a conversation ‘I've put assets into trust for our children’ and a will. What could a prenup look like that’s good news for the op? Best case is it limits her to a little less than 50% of assets if they split up but this seems unlikely given his aversion to 50%. Will be very interesting to see what he does think having and bringing up his 3 children for minimum 8 years is worth (3, all at school and she has since found a job - youngest age set is 5 6 & 7 for those who want to be very precise)

And no I don’t yhink her maid of honour will fix things, I just mean this is a bit upsetting and perspective from a good friend who knows them both might help.

Saltystraw · 23/05/2019 08:16

I wouldn’t like it but he just might be one of those types of people.. unfortunately some women change after divorce and take men to the cleaners. This ruins it for the genuine ones. First see what he is proposing. It might be fair. Depending on how much one earns 50/50 is not always fair.

anomoony · 23/05/2019 08:27

I wouldn’t like it but he just might be one of those types of people.. unfortunately some women change after divorce and take men to the cleaners. This ruins it for the genuine ones. First see what he is proposing. It might be fair. Depending on how much one earns 50/50 is not always fair.

Oh FFS are people missing that she already gave up her career to support him and take care of their 3 children???

happymummy12345 · 23/05/2019 08:30

I couldn't be with someone who didn't trust me. Therefore I'd never sign anything like that.
To me it says this is what you'll get if we split up, before you're even married. Why would you even be thinking that one day you might split up, when you're planning your wedding?
If I was asked then it would be the end for me. Equally I'd never expect someone to sign one if I had a lot of money, because if I loved them enough to marry them I'd trust them and believe we wouldn't split up. And if i didn't trust someone enough I wouldn't be marrying them at all

Pk37 · 23/05/2019 08:32

I’m also a sahm and have been for years .
Dh is a very high earner and very smart with his money and always says the money is “ours” doesn’t matter who makes it.
Have been together 14 years this year and married for 4. Have 2 kids .
I would not be happy at all , that’s very unfair

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