dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

[lanaturnerssmile]

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

You love eachother now but he doesn't trust the love will last. I wonder why? There's something shady about his actions. Something isn't right.

Some really rubbish advice here

If she doesn't marry and it all goes pear shaped all she gets is 3 lots of child maintenance, even the worst pre.nup will be better than that

Best advice I think is to see what is proposed and then say, I know I need independent advice for this to be valid , don't assume pre nup conditions are bad until you have seen them your advisor will soon tell you.

'In case anything happens with the stuff in his name he wants to make sure there are things in my name too.'

Say, great!! Let's put 50% of the assets that were accumulated while I gave up my career with your agreement, to look after our children, in my name. This will reflect the fact that you have been able to amass this wealth while I sacrificed my career, past, current and future earnings for us to have a family and for you to work.

He said it wouldn’t be fair if i decided to leave him and took him for 50% with some hard-arse divorce lawyer (his words) and he was then still having to work to pay for everything.

Say, no, the reason that the protection of spouses exists is so that if the worst should happen, the partner who has agreed to look after the children and take responsibility for the household is not left without a fair share of the assets accumulated during the marriage.

The decision was made years ago, when you jointly made the choice for you not to work. That decision has long term consequences on your ability to earn and accumulate wealth and therefore it is right at this point to put all assets into both names 50/50 and that you are very glad he brought it up, where can you sign???

Also ask him if he has already been to see a solicitor about this behind your back.... I would be very upset about that

He’s almost certainly been to see a solicitor I reckon.

Agree with pp comment if I felt or my partner wanted a prenup I would wonder why we gating married at all. If there’s no trust and you going into with the expectation of being screwed that is poisonous basis for a marriage. Exception if either had kids already but in this scenario no way

Yep, go in to the solicitors with your set of demands. DH pays you for all your years of parenting. He pays you for raising his dc and keeping house. He pays a certain amount per dc for you carrying and giving birth and will pay you a certain amount in the case of him having an affair. You go in and state your value and what you expect him to pay.

Have you seen the pre-nup? it might just be something like assigning specific assets to each child to be kept in trust until they are 21 or so. which makes a lot of sense if you don’t know much about finance, and he does. or an investment strategy in case he dies before you.
I have both in place (i‘m the significantly higher earner, my husband knows very little about investments)
you are being upset waaaay to early.

Het your own legal advice. But I would only be signing something that let him keep what he had on the day you moved in together. Everything accumulated after that is up for consideration in any divorce asset splitting.

I think prenups are a good idea, in general. Especially if one is giving up earning power. They can protect both people.

But AFTER 13 years together and 3 kids??? He is having a laugh.

Whilst lots of people view marriage as purely a romantic thing to do it should be viewed as a legal and financial contract.

A prenup was muted by my ILs given that both of us had been married before. Whilst this would have been pointless as we both had similar assets (obviously the ILs thought as I am female I couldn't have accumulated assets in my own name because they had followed the traditional pattern of women gives up work becoming fully dependant on the man), I categorically said I wouldn't sign one because marriage is about combining finances and if we didn't want to do that then we shouldn't bother getting married and just go down the other legal routes for things such as the house etc. DH agreed and we got married without one and told the ILs to butt out

Honestly why bother getting married and then protecting everything in a prenup. It's like having your cake and eating it, giving the illusion of being a financial 'team' but secretly making sure things are kept separate.

The first issue though OP was being financially dependent on another person when childcare should have been split equally so you could have continued working. Now you have a choice to make; marry him with a prenup which will still be in his favour as he wants as much 'rights' as being single affords him now or remain being the main childcare provider without any protection.

Essentially you are not a financial team. You will be going into marriage with an unequal contract. Whilst that works for some people it doesn't work for me.

Something also to consider is the nature of the assets.
Money from inheritance or family money that's been well invested, I'm not sure you can argue that someone being a SAHP has enabled that money to grow. (E.g. Someone I went to university with was given shares for their 21st and they'd gone on to subsequently invest them. I'm not convinced any future partner could try to argue that them staying home with the children has enabled friend's shares to increase in value and to try and claim that would be ridiculous.)
But if it's someone earning a very high salary, benefiting from lots of travel, having someone at home has absolutely enabled them to increase their earning power.

The OP needs to find out more about her own situation and avoid taking legal advice from MN where often legal advice is what someone thinks should happen.

I agree with other posters about this being why women should be careful about giving up work, losing earning potential and pension contributions to men they have no legal contract with.

Honestly this would have me reconsidering my relationship. If you divorce you will be up shit creek with less assets and pension, all while having raised the kids you had together and he accumulated his wealth.

If he was insisting on a prenup I would rather walk away, I know there's no protection while you're not married but I couldn't look at him the same again. If he doesn't value my contribution in raising our children then he doesn't get to be in a relationship with me.

I honestly don’t know where you go from here op, how can you possibly marry someone like this?

You have supported him for 13 years, provided three children and he drops this bombshell on you just before what must be a longed for wedding???
In addition he has obviously had meetings with solicitors that he has not told you about, and clearly is only out for himself.

Go and get legal advice and do what you can to protect yourself financially, negotiating every penny for you and the children.

My love for him would have evaporated the minute he put our children (and me) in such a precarious position, and it is obvious to anyone his only priority S himself. There is no way I could consider staying with someone like this. I am so sorry op, you must be feeling pretty devastated.

Now you know the real reason he's been reluctant to get married for all these years. Money

Absolutely. And it stinks, especially as you’ve acted in completely good faith. He’s had all the benefits of having a wife for over a decade....and now he’s squirming at the prospect of having to pay you for your contribution if you split up. I have a friend in a similar position, actually. Big house, kids etc. She’s wanted to get married for years. He’s stalled. They finally “got engaged” a couple of years ago, but there’s always something to stop him setting a date: new job, holiday, bigger house....

I think pre nuts are a good idea and would like to see them being made legal rather than just taken into account in the UK.

If the money was earned by him an invested by him then I can see why he would want to protect it,. If it was joint money from before children where you contributed equally then that share should be protected for you in the agreement.

Well, get yourself some independent legal advice. DO NOT take advice from his solicitor and tell him as this is his idea and a family cost he'll need to pay for it. I think it's shitty for him to do this now, but a decent solicitor will see that this situ is slightly unusual for a pre-nup given that you have 3 kids and make sure your non-financial contributions are taken into account. If he really wants to go down this route then he'll end up agreeing to housing, child support AND spousal maintenance so unless he's ABSOLUTELY loaded he should just marry you and 'lose' 50/50 if it doesn't work out.
Also - he's putting time pressures on you, it's a classic negotiation technique. Whether or not he's doing it deliberately it neither here nor there. 8 weeks is not much time to sort out a legal agreement like this properly - do not get pushed into signing something because the wedding is looming - this most be done properly.
I really feel for you OP ...

I agree I need to see what he is specifically proposing. But the devil in me feels like just putting it off/evading the issue until I basically force his hand. Then il know how much he really wants to marry me

Equally though he's testing you re really wanting to marry as you put it. By not signing he knows money plays a part.

Some of the advice on here is complete rubbish. Don’t listen to people saying what happened to their friend when they got divorced!

You need independent legal advice pertinent to your situation.

It's worth op looking at at the pre nup and getting her own advice.

If the marriage is short lived, she could find herself with no access to assets before the marriage.

This could be an opportunity to make sure all is thrown in the pot. Or at least what's been accumulated before marriage.

Depending on what the assets were before they for together, I can understand him wanting to protect them. But everything during the relationship, should be shared.

Is there a reason it has taken 13 years to get married ?

Honestly I think he’s screwed you over completely.
You’re in a weak position and he knows it. No one should ever be a SAHM unless they are married.

I’d call his bluff, say you need to rethink the relationship. Otherwise you will spend years seething and it will ruin the wedding.

And I agree with previous posters that a poor prenup would be better than the position you are currently in, however the thought of loosing his family might make him wake the fuck up.
You enabled him to be so successful.

Of course you feel like shit.

He's shown you what he thinks of you.

I'm so sorry OP.

I have provided him with the children and home life he dearly wanted

Yet you didn't think it was worth marrying before this.

Marriage isn't important to him. You said he was waiting for spare cash. Most people would never get married if they waited for spare cash.

In truth...marrying you doesn't financially benefit him. If you split up tomorrow it would be a battle getting more than child support.

I have to say it's very disappointing that after 13 years and 3 kids he has the cheek to want a prenup.

I would feel as hurt and sad as you do...and I'd have to think long and hard if he's the man I thought he was.

That is seriously shitty of him. Unfortunately if you back out of the wedding, you'll be financially worse than any pre-nup.

I'd be setting it up so that the pre-nup won't stand up at all- secretly get advice, but don't let him know that you have. Do you have a friend you can trust to help you? Some emails back and forward about how this has been sprung on you, and you really don't want to sign, but with only 8 weeks to go, feel forced into it might be helpful in court if you do end up divorcing.

Your position at the moment is very precarious- I wouldn't be rocking the boat with him too much because you could walk away with nothing but child maintenance to show for 13 years of supporting his career.

www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/a-guide-to-prenups-in-the-uk/

The caveat is that while UK courts will recognise prenuptial agreements, they also still have the ultimate discretion to ignore any agreement reached if the agreement is deemed to be unfair to any children of the marriage.

In order for a prenup to have enforce-ability, both parties must have had legal advice on the contents of the agreement and the effects of the agreement in the event of a divorce.

Otherwise, the court can ignore the agreement if it believes one party was disadvantaged by not having the correct advice.

www.ommlaw.co.uk/5-things-know-uk-prenuptial-agreements/
To comply with UK law, the pre-nup must be drawn up by a qualified solicitor
Both parties must have separate solicitors to avoid any claim of conflict of interest
Both parties must fully understand the agreement and voluntarily agree to it
Both solicitors must confirm it was entered into freely and knowingly
The prenuptial agreement should be signed at least 21 days before the marriage
All assets and property must be fully disclosed by both parties

Is it a way of making you call off the maraige?

I odn't know anything about prenups - but that's all come up with a quick google.

I think I'd be hurt - but then focus on what is being proposed - I think you'd be better of married than not.