dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

[lanaturnerssmile]

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

I personally think that instead of avoiding this and brushing it under the carpet, it needs a sit down discussion.

I am not in UK so perhaps things are different, but to my knowledge you get 2 prenups, one with accrual and one other without. So any funds earned together after marriage are split and the other is the prenup as I think you are referring when his is his.

But he says that part is there to protect you and the kids and to put some things in your name. What things? Does he have businesses which he want to put into your name? Whose name is the house in?

I really couldn't go into a marriage unaware like this.

Read up today. So you know a bit about what is what. And then have questions ready to ask. Then ask where his funds are, how much they are and how this affects you long term. You have a right to know.

It's insane that people are saying "don't get legal advice, sign it and it won't be valid" as if his solicitor would allow that to happen!

It is a bit unpleasant of him to bring this up at this stage in their relationship. But talking is the way forward. Maybe he has some valuable asset he had before they got together and this is the only thing he wants to exclude? She doesn't know, does she, unless she talks to him.

Though perfectly understandable that it's taken the shine off the wedding and meant that the OP sees the guy in a different light.

unfortunately some women change after divorce and take men to the cleaners.

You realise there are you know, laws and stuff? You can't just decide to take whatever money you feel. A court will deem what is appropriate.

You have 3 kids with him, and have facilitated his career and earnings by looking after them.

I would use the prenup as a way to make sure that you get what you need to stay financially secure in the event of a break-up.

^^
Exactly what gotosleep has said

It speaks volumes that some men think that what the law decides is right is "taking them to the cleaners". Describing the legal protections afforded to women as some kind of theft is so damaging. These men are used to having things 100% their own, selfish entitled way and it becomes a shock to them to be on a slightly fairer (the laws were mostly decided by men after all) playing field.

I think that you need a conversation about finances.

Who's name is on the house? Which company provides the mortgage? If your name isn't on it, why not? You can be on the deeds/mortgage as a SAHM earning zero.

Does he have life insurance? Are you the beneficiary? Does he have a will? Who's the executor of his will?

Where does he keep his financial paperwork? (Just in case)

How much does he have? What assets does he own? You need to start paying attention to exact details. Has he been paying a private pension for you to take into account your long years as a SAHM? If you consider signing the pre-nup and you don't have a pension then I'd be asking him to put a lump sum in a pension just in your name. If you're together at pension age then he benefits from the money, if not then you have a little security

So you work PT, do you earn under 12k by any chance? Assuming you do, he can now apply for marriage tax allowance and save himself a pretty penny that way.

I’m being cynical but could he be marrying you purely for that reason? Then makes you sign a pre-nup to ensure you don’t leave with half? He sounds like a jerk OP, I’m not gonna butter it up.

You’ve been together for over a decade and have three children together, he should view any money he has earned or invested in this time as yours together, as a family. He doesn’t and thinks of it all as his own. Is marrying you now finally and two months before drops a pre-nup on you... Very romantic.

Seek legal advice ASAP, do NOT sign it without doing this as some PP’s suggested.

I own my own house and have my own money there is no way in hell would I get married again for some man to take 50%

I am in the same situation and make it clear from the outset with any new partners that I have no intention of marrying again to lose what I have worked hard for and which will hopefully form part of my children's inheritance. I know that 'forever' can mean 'until something better comes along' and that with the best will in the world, marriages go wrong. It is up front and it is clear where I stand and why - and a couple of men I have dated have found it off putting and haven't hung around. That's very different to living with someone for 13 years, having 3 children and then saying 'but I want to protect my assets'.

Also agree with gotosleep.

My exh would like to think I ‘took him to the cleaners’ but his version of the truth is very different from mine. I think the court was fair although neither parties were 100% happy.

I have never heard of a real life ordinary couple having a pre-nup. I thought it was just celebrities with millions at stake. Maybe he has a lot more money and assets than you know about op

Don't sign anything at the solicitors, say you need to get advice and then draw up a counter pre nup with loss of earnings for being a SAHM, loss of career, pension , what childcare would have cost etc all included with your solicitor. That £££ he has in investments will soon shrink.

He can't unsay or undo what he has done about the prenup, he has shown who he is, selfish and with numero uno first not you and the DC. I could understand wanting to protect assets from before you got together if you were young but after 3 DC and 13 years, it is a kick in the teeth.

Is he resentful about getting married, about you "sitting a t home" being a SAHM while "he does all the work?", feeling "harnessed" ? I have come across that quite a lot, the man can't even quite explain it to himself but he feels coralled and is "kicking back", things not going according to the "me" plan.

13 years?? 3 children?? And you don’t think she ‘deserves’ half his money?

Fuck off, won’t you?

That money absolutely is morally hers to look after her and the children he had with her, his children.

He really shouldn’t be getting married, as he intends to break his marriage vows before he’s even made them!
How can he stand there in church and promise before God “ With all my worldly goods I thee endow”, if he’s taken legal action to deprive you of most of them?
OP, this must have been an awful shock for you, to discover this partner of 13 years loves his money more than you. He’s taken all the joy out of the wedding and left you with no security whether you marry or not. You currently have no rights as a cohabitee but would be financially screwed by a prenup.
Please get your own independent legal advice and refuse to sign anything. I doubt he would have the brass neck to cancel the wedding on those grounds- it would show all your friends and family what a miserly shit he really is. Once safely married, I’d seriously consider divorcing him, personally, but that’s up to you. At least you’d have the financial protection of marriage. You have none at present.

My ex will say I took him t the cleaners too, even though I settled to less than I was advised I could get and less than the judge said she would have gone for (this was at FDR) just to get things sorted sooner

That was in response to oshe.

The reason why some men don’t believe in marriage to the mother of their children, by and large, is that they are selfish and don’t actually care about the financial protection of their children.

Stalling isn't the answer. It will just become the elephant in the room and affect your relationship.

When a situation like this affects you personally it can be hard to not be emotional about it and feel hurt.

I can understand how he wouldn't want to be shafted in the event of a divorce, but he's not gone about this the right way really.

I hear all the comments about you giving up your career and being a SAHM, but you were able to do that as soon as you had kids, indicating that his wealth was accrued before meeting you.

You didnt play a part in his wealth at that point.

I think him protecting his assets prior to meeting you is fine.

From his perspective, he still works...your kids are in school and you could work more hours, but in the event of a split you become a lifelong expense to him...unless he does a clean break settlement. He would have to financially support you, because if married as your income is not enough to live on.

He might not mind doing that when the kids are still young, but when they're adults and he is still having to work for an Ex wife, you can see how he wouldn't be thrilled by that.

I'd be happy with a prenup giving me a very good set figure as a lump sum, child support, an agreement to pay/contribute a set % of university expenses for the DC, full ownership of the property you live in and bear in mind that you won't have had much in the way of NI contributions...so what about your pension.

Being old and poor isn't the best.

Sorry if this has been touched on already but....

He said its to protect me and the kids as much as him. In case anything happens with the stuff in his name he wants to make sure there are things in my name too. He said it wouldn’t be fair if i decided to leave him and took him for 50% with some hard-arse divorce lawyer (his words) and he was then still having to work to pay for everything. I think I just feel ill-equipped to deal with it. He is very intelligent. Im not saying I’m thick but i don’t know about things the way he does.

So he puts some assets in your name, if he loses everything will he be expecting you to transfer your assets back to him? (I expect he would)

But he doesn't want you having 50% of everything if you split.

Sorry bold fail

I have a friend like your husband who won't marry the mother of his childen because he doesn't want to lose assets should they split. He's a bit of an arse to be honest, selfish to the hilt.
He's backed you into a corner hasn't he? What does the prenup say- what happens upon his death?

simply put, your only entitled to half of what is gained after yh marriage, not what he had before, that remains his.

Many others on this thread have said this is not true.

If you have been together 13 years unless he is much older than you op, surely he doesn’t have that much in assets that he accumulated before you.

Anyway on divorce everything goes in the pot not just from during the marriage. My exh got a proportion of my pension from many years before we met!

Is there a reason it has taken 13 years to get married ?

She fell for the world's stupidest excuse: he didn't have the 'spare cash' to 'get married properly'. Far, far too many people have been conditioned to assign huge value to weddings rather than marriage and have literally fallen on a financial sword of sacrifice by giving up their earning potential and security and pension to become dependent on a person who legally owes them nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Unless you are independently wealthy, you never have 'no need to work' when your very sustenance relies on an unmarried partner.

Obviously that is ‘normal’ divorce no pre-nup.

Just reading back through a few pp's, do not sign anything without having legal advice. As I said previously, if you dp wants a pre nup, he should also incur the costs of your legal fees throughout that process. (DH did with me)

You need to find your own solicitor, not someone he suggests and definitely not someone at the same practise as his.

Do not be backed into a corner, or have the wedding held over you - a pre nup can be done after the wedding (it becomes a post nup)

Maybe start having a think of what you deem necessary, should you split. Money towards the children, how property and other assets should be split when accrued during your relationship.
I specified a monthly maintenance amount for future children until they turn 18 or leave full time education. Now that I am pregnant, and we will be amending it, I have spoken to DH about including that he will be responsible for school fees until the child(ren) are 18 or leave full time education. He is happy to do so

In the end, I agreed to our pre nup without the full backing of my solicitor (he thought I should up the amounts I could receive) and I had to sign a disclaimer saying so.

Insist on a prenup that gives you 50% of the assets, that’s what a marriage contract would give you. Fact is he is already contemplating a divorce which is a little strange at this point. As you already have 3 children just tell him you would take him to the cleaners whether there was a prenuptial agreement in place or not.