Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
Oshe · 23/05/2019 02:33

Because it actually doesn't benefit him if you marry him and sign the prenup. He's worse off. Which I'm sure he is aware of.

Exactly. Why would a money hungry bastard out to shaft the OP even agree to marriage at this point? If he wants to protect the OP in the case of his untimely death he can do so through a will while protecting all of his assets.

Plus the OP says:

For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that

You need an open and frank discussion with your partner about your feelings and at least find out exactly what he'd like the prenup to include. Please don't let a bunch of strangers on the internet talk you into ruining your relationship.

NotBeingRobbed · 23/05/2019 02:47

So just to be clear, you ARE marrying this man for his money and that’s why you don’t like the pre-nup. Having just divorced (female main breadwinner), I have advised my children to never marry without a pre-nup. But then marriage was the worst decision I ever made.

Graphista · 23/05/2019 03:55

I'm shocked you didn't immediately show him the door!

What an arsehole!

"He said it wouldn’t be fair if i decided to leave him and took him for 50%" why the HELL would this not be fair?!

He may even be hoping that this will lead to you calling off the wedding, but not ending the relationship.

My understanding is "no contract can negate the law of the land" so he can't stipulate that it leaves you worse off than a normal divorce would.

On the other hand IF you decide to proceed if I were you I'd ensure certain codicils were added:

1 acknowledgement and suitable settlement to account for YOUR contribution to "his" savings that he was able to accumulate as a result of your sacrifices

2 immunity from any debt HE incurs

3 an agreement re keeping housing for the children in the event of a splits

4 a fidelity clause! He wants to go all legal fine! Works both ways, if he cheats there's a penalty! (Include emotional affairs, registering on dating sites etc)

5 a "good husband" clause - minimum standards of certain behaviour or else there's a penalty (you could have real fun with this one I'm sure we could help you come up with a long list!)

In all honesty he sounds a shitty selfish piece of work who cares more for "his" money than his family!

I too am sick of being accused of being old fashioned, smug and judgmental for saying on repeated cohabit v marriage threads ESPECIALLY where the woman is considering or has become a sahm or working pt that it's foolish not to marry BEFORE having kids or at the very least BEFORE quitting full time work!

"If they hadn't of married, she would have got half and more, because legally you have the same rights when there is children" not true in the uk are you referring to a different country?

We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him

That strongly suggests to me he wouldn't be marrying if it were up to him - precisely BECAUSE he views it as "his" money and knows marrying legally changes that. The guff about not having the spare cash is just that - guff!

Secrets about money, lack of honesty on why he wouldn't marry, dropping this on you 8 weeks before the wedding...

Doesn't sound like a great relationship to me!

gotosleepalready · 23/05/2019 04:01

Doesn't really value your contribution does he.

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/05/2019 04:36

Have a chat to your maid of honour about it.

😂 what good is her maid of honour going to do? She may as well have a chat with the milkman.

Decormad38 · 23/05/2019 04:54

I think it’s sensible of him but he could have done it earlier. The pre nup might work to your favour. How do you know it won’t as you haven’t explored it?

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/05/2019 04:54

If they hadn't of married, she would have got half and more, because legally you have the same rights when there is children involved.

More utter nonsense being peddled. Why do people post this rubbish when they obviously haven’t a clue? 🙄

FraggleRocking · 23/05/2019 05:00

Please don’t just try and stall until the wedding. This issue is unlikely to disappear. Even if you’ve been with someone for 13 years and have children, you shouldn’t marry them with something unresolved hanging between you. You need to talk about this, if it is a pre nup, explain how it makes you feel.

CrumpetyTea · 23/05/2019 05:20

I think you need to have a frank discussion about what you both think is fair. You are trying to protect yourself financially by getting married he is just doing the same with a pre-nup

For what its worth my DP is a sahp and I would also feel gutted if getting divorced meant that I had to continue to support him and allow him to stay at home and not work and if he got 1/2 my money by rights - but that's because I never really supported/wanted him to be a SAHP - it wasn't a joint decision!

PrincessTiggerlily · 23/05/2019 05:21

I think he wants to protect the assets if you divorce and there not much wrong with that. In that case as a sahm the op would get half of some assets the kids and the house and substantial maintenance and might be joining a new partner with nothing.
The OP needs to make sure she is provided for - what if they split after DC are grown? Something in writing could be a good thing for her.
See a solicitor OP, make careful notes so you understand everything and keep them safe.

PregnantSea · 23/05/2019 05:25

I never understood the concept of a prenup. If you aren't going to share everything then just don't get married? Nothing is forcing you to get married. You can live together, buy a house, have kids, be written into each other's wills, have a whole life together and not be officially married. If you're already sitting there thinking about the money you might "lose" if it ends in divorce then that's a big sign that you shouldn't be getting married. Just cohabit instead.

opinionminion · 23/05/2019 05:28

He's sweating. After all your time together he should be drawing up a Will to protect you not a prenup.

Mini2017 · 23/05/2019 05:41

Sign the prenup. Mary him and then divorce him and get half . He’s horrible

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2019 05:42

I wouldn’t be stalling because this won’t go away. But I also wouldn’t be getting legal advice at this stage as doing so puts you in a more precarious position, not less (see points raised about it not being valid if you don’t get advice). I like the points raised by Graphista.

It may well be that what he is thinking is fair. So I do think you need to talk. However in your shoes I would be making very clear that I am very saddened he feels he cannot trust you after all you’ve been together for 13 years and 3 children.

Instead of going for the fighting stance, be conciliatory and reassuring. Perhaps he will back down on this. He already feels deeply embarrassed. And perhaps like a pp said it would be to protect a business from you destroying it, which could be offset for you in another way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2019 05:44

And I also meant to say I agree with opinionminion. But is perhaps wouldn’t suggest this right now. Marriage first if possible with the best protection you can get.

Mini2017 · 23/05/2019 05:45

Also, wanting to sign a prenup just before the wedding suggests he has not much faith in the relationship. He wants to have the option of making a run for it with ease and with loads of cash. Probably leaving the family to struggle financially

MyInnerAlto · 23/05/2019 05:51

'I never understood the concept of a prenup. If you aren't going to share everything then just don't get married?'

^^ My view too. 13 years, three children, a shared life and he is thinking about 'protecting his assets'? And clearly he's been putting off this wedding for a long time (the 'no spare cash' thing is crap, dh and I were impoverished students when we married and had a tiny wedding). That does suggest, all other things being equal, a fundamental lack of willingness to share with you that is worrying, tbh.

How has he felt about you being a SAHM?

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 23/05/2019 05:54

Don't flame me but I can sort of see his point. If you marry and divorce you'll get 50% of everything (or perhaps more) and I can see why he doesn't think that's fair.

milkshak3 · 23/05/2019 05:55

does his wealth come from s time before you met and had DC? if so, I'd be inclined to let it go.

however, reading your post, he earned it while you had 3 dx together, you took care of the home and the DC and thus enabled him to establish his career.

in that case, I would reconsider the relationship and wedding. clearly his priority is not you and the DC. he sounds like a major arsehole and you may have a lucky escape.

Loupyloula · 23/05/2019 05:57

If you don’t get any independent legal advice on the pre-nup (or your partner can’t prove you did get legal advice ;-)) then it’s not worth the paper it’s written on.
I think also being co-erced into it can also be taken into consideration if you end up divorcing. But I’m less clear in that.

SunshineCake · 23/05/2019 06:33

Marry him to get protection but definitely get your own solicitor to look over his prenup.

SunshineCake · 23/05/2019 06:44

WTF Thatmustbenjgel etc

MsTSwift · 23/05/2019 06:50

Possible financial motive for marriage for him is inheritance tax

MsSquiz · 23/05/2019 06:53

DH and I have a pre nup, at his request, he came into our relationship with a great deal of family money, I came with very little.

He was responsible for paying for my solicitor (who I chose) so there was no cost to me.
The negotiations went back and forth between us, hashing out the details. It can be a long process.

Ours specifies:
Things that we each agree to have no claim on
Maintenance amounts agreed per future child (we had no children at the time of writing, we are no expecting our first)
The amount of money I would be entitled to increases every 5 years
That I am entitled to 50% of the the property we jointly own

No way should you sign a pre nup that is all one sided, you absolutely need to speak to a solicitor to get decent advice. Especially as you already have children together and have been together for so long.

And if you don't agree to it, DON'T SIGN IT!

If you don't agree to it prior to the wedding, it can be done post wedding, once agreed.

There should also be a clause to say it will be updated/amended every 5 years (or however many years you choose) or on the birth of any further children

BrokenWing · 23/05/2019 06:55

13 years, 3 children and 8 weeks before the wedding he drops this on you did the first time? wow!

Of course he looked shifty. I would we telling him you need some to think about it. Give it a couple of weeks to sink in then tell him no, you have faith in your relationship, after 13 years and 3 kids you deserve more (not money, respect), dropping this on you 8 weeks before the wedding is unreasonable and suggesting a pre nup is offensive to you. Put the ball back in his court.