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Original poster

dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

598 replies

lanaturnerssmile · 22/05/2019 21:56

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
NunoGoncalves · 23/05/2019 11:10

If your relationship is so great why can't you just say everything you wrote in your OPto him directly?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 23/05/2019 11:13

He's only doing what each and every one of us on here would do if we had wealth or property prior to marriage.
Luckily for me, DH and I had nothing, so it's easy enough to share, and any wealth we have generated has been since marriage, so 50:50, despite me contributing less financially.
If I'd inherited money or property I would definitely have protected it prior to marriage. Only sensible.

NotBeingRobbed · 23/05/2019 11:17

Yes, there are some who really do support their OH’s career, say by moving the family to another country for a posting, finding a home and looking after the kids. I don’t count guzzling tequila in front of the telly as supporting my career.

IndigoHexagon · 23/05/2019 11:18

I actually think prenups can be a good thing whether you are the wealthy partner OR the poorer one. If you take feelings and emotions out of it as much as possible, and with the statistics on divorce being so high, I’d actually take it as an opportunity- while you are still very much in love - to agree to what would happen from ALL ANGLES should you separate and account for the fact that you’ve been together for so long already. Before the bitterness and greed of separation clouds the issue you are both able to agree a fair and proportionate settlement that acknowledges the contribution of both parties, whether they are financial or not.
It shouldn’t be about you purely agreeing to not touch his money, but should offer you a security blanket should the relationship not work out long term.

Dungeondragon15 · 23/05/2019 11:19

He's only doing what each and every one of us on here would do if we had wealth or property prior to marriage.

I don't agree. Many people have money and property prior to marriage but most don't get a prenup especially if they had been in the relationship for many years and had a family together.

Justbreathing · 23/05/2019 11:20

Of course she should marry him. She’s not going to leave him. And even a crap prenup is better than her situation now.

Dungeondragon15 · 23/05/2019 11:21

Yes, there are some who really do support their OH’s career, say by moving the family to another country for a posting, finding a home and looking after the kids. I don’t count guzzling tequila in front of the telly as supporting my career.

Most SAHP look after the children rather than watching television and guzzling tequila. The law has to be made on what is fair in the majority of cases.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2019 11:22

If you proceed with the pre-nup you'll at least know his finances by the end of it...

Dungeondragon15 · 23/05/2019 11:24

If she wanted the supposed “protection” of marriage for her kids (there is none) then she could have waited to tie the knot before having them!

It is a bit rich of you to criticise OP for getting herself in this situation when it sounds as if you made a few bad choices yourself.

Happyspud · 23/05/2019 11:26

My DH has wealth before marrying me. He would never ever have considered protecting it from me. I wouldn’t have married him if he had implied he would do that. What an arse this man is after 3 bloody kids with you. Good enough to use you as a vehicle for making his kids but not good enough to share his wealth with.

pheonixrebirth · 23/05/2019 11:27

Dear OP, stall as much as possible, don't get solicitors advice (or do but keep it to yourself), smile sweetly like your a naive idiot then sign as close to the wedding day as is possible. Do not put up a fight about this.
Then MARRY HIM!!!!
Speaking as a woman who was with a fiancé for nearly 20 years, had 3 children together, was a SAHM for a good 15 of those years before getting back into the work force- part time of course because he couldn't possibly share in the child care responsibilities.
When we split up I wasn't entitled to a single penny. In all that time He had built up a thriving business, bought 2 more properties to rent out, had a major inheritance and had around half a million in cash in the bank.
He pays me maintenance for the 2 youngest DC- that's it!

When he calmly told me that legally he doesn't owe me anything and morally he had to think about him now, I cannot express my revolt at this 'man' who I had spent all those years with!
You never truly know anyone until you split up with them. Protect yourself and please get comfortable with being uncomfortable when he starts forcing the issue!

NataliaOsipova · 23/05/2019 11:28

When one partner is really wealthy it’s a lifestyle choice for the other person not to work

Completely agree with this - and I don’t work. But it’s a lifestyle choice made for the benefit of the family, from which we all benefit. It’s not just a choice made by it for the SAHP.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 23/05/2019 11:30

A couple things that stood out to me on this thread:

  1. Having a pre-nup does not mean that he is planning to divorce the OP in the future. I am certain almost every poster here has car, life and home insurance. Does that mean we plan to get in an accident, burn down our house or get a fatal heart attack? It is being sensible and planning for any of life's eventualities. A marriage, while a romantic union of two people, is also a legal and financial contract - it makes sense to be pragmatic about it and if done well, a pre-nup will definitely look out for OP's best interest.
  1. When one partner is really wealthy it’s a lifestyle choice for the other person not to work, so the sacrificing of career argument for me just doesn’t hold water.

100% agreed. OP mentioned that she was able to not work after having her first child. I don't think her staying at home facilitated his wealth based on that.
And this is yet another example of why it is utterly foolish for anyone to give up work and their earning potential at any point but especially when not married. There are no guarantees in life and it simply leaves you completely vulnerable to do this.

  1. OP mentioned that her husband's investments paid off. What if these investments were from before their union? If any poster here has left a large lump sum for their child, how would they feel if that child invested it wisely, doubling or tripling the initial investment and then lost 50% or more of that because of divorce? I completely agree that if the assets were only earned during the 13 years together, then yes, it should be split evenly but NOT if OP's husband accumulated and invested wealth prior to their union as she would not have been instrumental in that.
  1. To everyone calling OP's husband a bastard, miserly, an arse etc. - wouldn't it have been easier to never marry at all if his intention was to screw her over? I mean they have been happily trundling along like for 13 years...it could have continued like that indefinitely and he would have been liable for very little if it all went south.
  1. Do NOT jump to conclusions, Ask to read a draft copy of the document and get independent legal advice. The terms and conditions may be more to your liking that you have assumed and if not, ensure that your lawyer argues to make them more balanced.
herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 11:31

I would not be impressed at all and would leave him, get a job and get CM. What an arse.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 23/05/2019 11:34

We have no idea what he wants the prenup to say. It may be that he wants to protect assets such as inheritence from his family which I think would be fair, a few women have posted here recently about this issue and everyone advised they protect it.

He may also want some clauses in there about what goes to the children. If they divorced and the OP married someone else the new man would get their childrens money.

Also, I don't understand posters saying its strange that he's thinking of divorce prior to marriage. Everyone knows many marriages fail, if you're going into marriage with some fairytale in mind that's just silly. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 23/05/2019 11:35

One more thing - OP please educate yourself about financial and legal issues and in particular, the details of your own situation. It is naive to not be informed about the basics and just expect the other party to sort them out. It leaves you vulnerable and open to control and abuse if the other partner is thus inclined.

Grainedmonkey · 23/05/2019 11:37

What a shitty move by DP, right slap n the face and puts a dampener on the Wedding .

I would try and resist a knee jerk reaction, just do nothing for now until you have had chance to digest it and then consider your options..
I would also avoid discussing it with family members or friends as that would turn into gossip and could get unpleasant.

herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 11:37

WaterOffaDucksCrack

Isn’t that the biggest red flag in this whole thing? Thirteen years together and his wife to be has no idea of their financial priorities because her husband to be is too busy drawing up legal agreements to secure his priorities, whatever they might be. It doesn’t seem very likely that what he has in mind is an equitable agreement.

wonderwhat · 23/05/2019 11:39

What property are you in? Is it owned? Is your name on the deeds? You could use his suggested prenup to haggle your own terms. Go get the prenup and see what it says first. Then report back to us and we can all advise you from there. It may not be too bad. Yes it’s a shitty thing to do but it might be worth looking at first before deciding anything rash

Xenia · 23/05/2019 11:46

I think he's being reasonable. I would not marry again (in part because I do not want a man having even £1 of my assets never mind half or the 60% my ex got).

Women should earn their own money. If you give up work that's at your own risk.

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 23/05/2019 11:46

Yeah this would massively piss me off if in the same situation. I understand prenups for early relationships and that. But after 13 years and kids..nah. Sorry, he sounds like quite a dick. And a selfish one at that.

Orlandointhewilderness · 23/05/2019 11:51

My DP and I haven't quite got to marriage yet, but it is on the cards. If he wanted a pre-nup I would be completely fine with it. He has a lot more money than me and if our roles were reversed then I would want to protect it in the event of a split. I think the important thing to check is what it actually says and is it fair to both parties.

Amibeingdaft81 · 23/05/2019 11:56

If you proceed with the pre-nup you'll at least know his finances by the end of it...

That’s a bloody good point.
You don’t have To sign anything.
But at the end of the process you will know the financial landscape in a way you’d never have done so otherwise

I’d totally go for it OP. You’ll also get a good view in to your DP depending on what split he says

Zilla1 · 23/05/2019 11:57

I'm sorry for the unfairness and how you must feel.

If you are able to put the 'betrayal' behind you, see his proposal. Get independent legal advice, don't rush or be bullied and don't accept it if it seems unfair. Don't skimp on advice. He's not been afraid to raise this now so don't be afraid to push back. You will be defending your DC's position as well as the pre up will affect your accommodation, ability to work as much as you choose and potentially affect their inheritance if he subsequently remarries.

If you are not able to put it behind you or if he proposes something unfair, are you willing to cancel the wedding? If so, tell him you will write a communication to send to family and guests saying he has proposed a manifestly unfair prenup at the eleventh hour after your 13 years together and has fundamentally shaken your faith in your relationship and left your DC in jeopardy? If so, make sure you send it to his family so he can't shape the truth.

Good luck.

managedmis · 23/05/2019 12:00

Any of this making sense op?