dp wants a pre-nup and i feel like shit

[lanaturnerssmile]

DP told me today “we need to sort out our finances with the solicitors”. He means some sort of pre-nup. Its 8 weeks to our wedding.
We have been together for 13 years and have 3 dc’s together.
He has £££ in assets after investing his money very well. He stands to make a lot of money if things continue as they are. I have a part-time job that pays peanuts (i dont need to work i chose to out of boredom when kids started school) after being a SAHM for years and have nothing to my name. We haven’t got married before now because he’s always said he doesn’t have the spare cash and he wants us to have a proper wedding. Also neither of us were that bothered, but then i started realising it was putting me in a very precarious situation should something happen to him.
Ive been so happy planning the wedding and now i just feel so deflated. i feel like he just wants to protect himself. i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?
I said “what if i say im not signing anything?” and he said “we’ll get something drawn up and then discuss it”. I dont think he’ll marry me unless i sign something. Im completely ignorant when it comes to legal/financial matters and i dont want to sign something that seems like a good deal and then end up getting shafted (i would obvs have an independent solicitor to try and stop that happening).
For the record i love him very much and i know he loves me. We have a great relationship. Ive been feeling so smug though about how happy we are after being together so long, still really fancy one another and all that. Now i feel like my bubble has completely burst. I feel like its changed my opinion of him in a negative way. It feels so icky.
Anyone have any experience of this?

I also raised my kids and looked after the home. All totally UNRECOGNISED by the marriage laws!

My love for him would have evaporated the minute he put our children (and me) in such a precarious position,

She’s been in a precarious position for the last thirteen years as an unmarried SAHM.

Are you sure he means a pre-nup? Might he be thinking, wills, trust funds for the children etc if he has that much money? If you're right, best to go to the meeting see what is said, say your piece - hopefully any solicitor will behave ethically - and then get your own independent advice on what comes of it. It seems really weird that he would want to marry you after all this time, but be getting ready to shaft you financially, so I just wonder if you're reading too much negative into it.

What is so wrong with a prenup?

It isn't ALL about money and frankly if his money matters that much to either of you there is something amiss in your relationship anyway.

It sets out how you both want to dissolve things IF and only IF something goes wrong.

Decide what you want and get it it in there! It can include almost anything. Who looks after the children, pets...anything you feel needs to go into it.

Yes perhaps it should have been mentioned earlier, perhaps he got scared of your reaction?

Just do it, it should protect you both.

What makes you think its going to leave you with nothing? It might well give you a generous %.

I do not see why marrying someone should mean having to hand over half of everything I have. If I marry someone I would like to think it is me that they are after and so I would want a prenup. So they can keep the bulk of what is theirs and I can keep the bulk of what is mine - IF that is what we each choose to do! Than we can share what we choose not what we have to!!! Maybe this is how your future husband sees it as well?

I'd say the issue isn't the pre-nup. It's the pre-nup 8 weeks before a wedding day when you already have 3 kids and have been together 13 years. Weddings our stressy enough in the run up without having to put together a legal, financial agreement 2 months before that will have life long ramifications.

@Saffy101 Sensible advice at last. For me getting married gave my ex-husband carte Blanche to rob me of the house I owned before marriage, sit back and put in minimal effort in his own job while I worked like a slave, neglect the kids when he claimed to be caring for them and then rip me off for my life savings. I got NOTHING from marriage. It was a terrible deal. I so wish I had asked him to sign a pre-nup. If he had said no I would have known his priorities. We didn’t have kids before marriage. Now I am left “holding the babies” and stripped of my earnings. MY money with MY name on the payslip.

Eight weeks before the wedding is about right. It’s before the nuptials. “Weddings are stress”. Why put yourself through one?

When one partner is really wealthy it’s a lifestyle choice for the other person not to work, so the sacrificing of career argument for me just doesn’t hold water.

An au pair is a much better deal for WOHPs than subsidising a SAHP. They are also usually much more polite and considerate.

Notbeingrobbed that sounds so irrelevant to the ops scenario where they have three children who are already at school and she is the one who has sacrificed income and facilitated his earning power for a number of years without financial reward.

A pre-nup is fair pre-children, pre-cohabitation or just after/before an engagement. Springing it at the last minute after wedding stuff is booked is grossly unfair. I think I read that it needs to be signed 3 months before marriage and both parties need independent legal advice.

I think that a prenup or financial agreement could have been broached when wills were drawn up. It's awkward to bring up but the OP could have been warned then that he'd want a prenup if he got married to her. I would have thought that most couples with a prenup would have an inkling that it might happen and if the wedding doesn't happen because of this prenup then money could have been better used to sort out a second property etc and save OP from the embarrassment of extra paining to everyone why it was cancelled,

I think that in this case there could be an element of the h taking advantage of OP's lack of knowledge/will to learn details about financial stuff. Hopefully she'll at least get herself better acquainted with stuff so if the shit hits the fan then she's not screwed.

The pre-nup isn't the problem here, it's a symptom.

OP, you say you have a "great relationship" but you're burying your head in the sand. You refer to it as "his" money, "his" assets. You have no idea how much money he earns, you just know that he's loaded and you have "nothing to your name" after 13 years and 3 kids together! You talk about how he's super intelligent and you feel you're in a weak position because you don't know anything about finances, like you feel he's trying to catch you out. Your relationship is completely unequal, there's a huge imbalance of power here.

It's also very clear that even after thirteen years you don't trust one another. You've admitted you don't trust him not to hide his assets and he doesn't trust you not to try to take him to the cleaners in the event of a divorce. He's playing games by springing this on you a few weeks before the wedding and you're considering playing games too by stalling and then refusing to sign anything. Where's the honesty, the openness, where's the mutual respect??

Pre-nup or no pre-nup, this doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

"He said its to protect me and the kids as much as him. In case anything happens with the stuff in his name he wants to make sure there are things in my name too. He said it wouldn’t be fair if i decided to leave him and took him for 50% with some hard-arse divorce lawyer (his words) and he was then still having to work to pay for everything."

How exactly is it protecting you from anything? And I'd be replying "well you'll have to treat me well enough that I don't want to leave, won't you?"

When one partner is really wealthy it’s a lifestyle choice for the other person not to work, so the sacrificing of career argument for me just doesn’t hold water.

It would depend on why they were really wealthy. If they had made their money by being able to climb the career ladder because their partner did everything child related allowing them to work late/work away from home/move to different locations for their job then they have benefited if not more from the arrangement as the SAHP. In that situation why should they not have to split everything they earned since having the children 50/50? Even if they do that they will still be in a better position than the SAHP in the future as they will have the potential for much higher earnings.

i dont even know how much he has - how do i know he’ll tell the truth about his assets?

That is quite worrying given that you've been together for 13 years and have 3 children. Call me old-fashioned, but why the hell did he wait all these years to propose, when everyone knows that marriage protects children?? To me, not marrying a mother of your kids implies less serious approach. he may be a good person. But a good person who is happy to hide some important things from you, and decide what you should know and what's not your business - that's rather unequal.
As some said, talk to some solicitor about what is best for you here, what, if you sing a pre-nup, should be there to protect you. I am not sure, I think these pre-nups don't count at all in court... There is occasionally some consternation in the press about it.
Also, it might be an off topic, but if these children were surprises, rather than planned, and he didn't get much say about having them, he might be harbouring some suspicions and wants to protect himself ...

When I read threads like this I breathe a sigh of relief that I am married and our assets would be split at least 50/50.

I think you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I would see a solicitor or talk to a couple (1/2 hour free) and find out where you stand. If a solicitor says go ahead sign it, it will mean nothing then do so with a lovely smile on your face. If not, then you need to re-negotiate a prenup that is not in your favour.

At the end of the day, I wouldn't cut off my nose to spite my face. If you don't marry him you may end up with ZERO. If you do marry him, you will have some protection. Emotions aside, that is the practical, sensible thing to do now.

Great advice from @Saffy101 (and some others) on this thread already

After 13 years together, unmarried and working part time with three children, you are in an exceptionally vulnerable position.

Marriage would be an excellent way forward.

The advice to stall til it's too late is not sound

Start by informing yourself of the law , from reliable sources. Check that he already intends to include wills, POA and arrangements for the DC should you both die before they are adults. If not , make sure these are all included.

He will have arranged a draft pre-nup. Ask for a copy and say you need time to read it. No one could object to this. If you are put under any pressure to sign anyway you would have the defence of duress and it would not be valid.

Getting married gives you significant protections. The time to refuse to marry him if he insists on a pre nup is long past.

Do not cut off your nose to spite your face by refusing to marry him if he insists on a pre-nup. It would be to your detriment, in the event that you did split up, to not be married.

The chances of the pre-nup reducing your share in the event of a divorce below what you would already Are entitled to as an unmarried partner is frankly zero, so it is hard to see how it could be to your detriment to marry with a pre nup.

The exemption from inheritance tax that comes with being married is also not to be sneezed at.

Please, start by getting yourself informed.

If she wanted the supposed “protection” of marriage for her kids (there is none) then she could have waited to tie the knot before having them! People who don’t get married don’t want to be married! Outside of marriage, yes, it is his money.

Are you sure it's a pre-nup as such? Not sorting wills for post marriage, to set up trust for the kids, to ensure properties are in joint names so your kids benefit from best inheritance should anything happen to you/him?

The scary thing is the worse, most unfavourable pre-nup is still better for her than what she is entitled to right now if things should end. "Don't get married" is terrible advice. Get your own solicitor and negotiate protection for your own future.

Notbeingrobbed - so your ex was working part time and looking after the kids, whilst you worked fulltime in a low paid job?

It would be better if the divorce courts ruled the money followed the kids. The person who continues to house, feed, clothe, love and support them gets the lion’s share. If you want and are capable of 50:50 childcare you get 50:50 assets. If you take 100% care of the kids you get 100%. In my case my ex could in theory only see one child with supervision. He doesn’t see her at all or keep in touch. He still gets 55% of the assets. Terrible injustice. CMS money is of course worthless.

@vulpine No. He worked full time and earned less. I worked part time (and full time for a few years) and earned more. I also saved while he spent on addictions. I had a house before marriage, he had a flat that was in negative equity. He later sold it for a small profit and spent (drank) that. I have been ripped off. I could have worked and paid for childcare, which is what I do now.

When one partner is really wealthy it’s a lifestyle choice for the other person not to work, so the sacrificing of career argument for me just doesn’t hold water.

I agree that this can be the case. How often do you see posters here saying ‘I’m lucky, I don’t have to work’? So for some it’s clearly a matter for self-congratulation and not a sacrifice.