I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

[aokchesh]

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

I think it's a nice idea. I don't understand why your family is reacting with "fury". It seems very disproportionate! My brother double barrelled his with his wife's when they got married & neither set of parents gave a monkeys. What skin is it off your parents nose?!

I would do as other posters have suggested & say things like "that's a shame" if your mother suggests she'll walk out. Chances are she won't. And if she does then it will just make her look like a twat.

I would also keep it in your fiance's speech. The day is about you two and if this is important to you then why wouldn't he mention it in the speech? It is still an unusual thing to do, so I think other posters are wrong when they say you shouldn't mention/announce it. Otherwise how will people know what your new name/s are?!
I'm going to double barrel mine when I get married later this year & I intend on it being " announced" or mentioned in some way at the wedding as I don't want to be known as Mrs DHname.

@Jackiebrambles- I can understand how someone in the 'older generation' would be surprised by you doing this

Ffs. Her parents are in their 50's, not their 90's. Most of my friends in their 50's kept their name on marriage. If anything, I would say it was more common then than it is now.

I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation

It most definitely was done! I'm in 50s and never considered changing my name and was by no means unusual. I also had people being PA about it. By and large I let them get on with it because what I call myself is my business and nobody else's.

Parental generation varied from non acceptance to "how quaint". Be prepared for years of PA birthday and Christmas cards addressed to "Mrs HisInitial Hisname" from some, but I just ignored that and worked around the odd genuine inconvenience.

Stand your ground. Don't be deterred by the people who will insist to you that "double barrelling gets so complicated/pointless/random excuse for misogyny", "don't you really love him", "doesn't he have a nicer/easier to spell/bollocks excuse" type nonsense.

Actually, DH and I said if we got married now I wouldn’t take his name we would have started a new family name for us, we told his family this, they haven’t spoken to us since!

Honestly I think combining names is a bit shit too. What is the point? You end up with a surname that doesn’t mean anything. For me, if you want to respect both sides of the family, double-barrelling is infinitely more appropriate.

@PeoniesarePink - And remember your DC will have a different name to the rest of their family

No they won't. They'll have the same surname as their parents and their siblings.

My kids have a different surname to me. Somehow, they manage so I can't really see it being an issue if cousins etc have a different surname.

“Double-barreling can't go on forever as people are going to end up with triple and quadruple barreled names in the next generation.””

Bingo!

My Dc almost certainly will not do this, they will make a sensible choice that suits them, and I will not criticise, whatever that choice might be.

Maybe we will all be known by our e mail address as our full name within a generation.

It's so personal how you feel about names. Call yourself what you want!

My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day

Well it won't cause a big issue on the day, at least not in proportion to you having the name you want for the rest of your lives! What is the worst thing that will happen? She'll leave the room? (And I bet she won't, she'll be wrapped up in the happiness and love of the day).

Honestly I think combining names is a bit shit too. What is the point? You end up with a surname that doesn’t mean anything.

I strongly disagree. Even before we were married a lot of people called us the combined name, so it was already ours really. We just made it official.
I had done a deed poll when I was 18, so my surname wasn't my dads anyway, and DH wasn't bothered by his das name (if his siblings thought it was important then they had the choice to keep it)

Our surname is us. Our DC have it, and it absolutely means something.

It might not be what you personally would want to do, but it's a perfectly valid choice for others.

My kids have a different surname to me. Somehow, they manage so I can't really see it being an issue if cousins etc have a different surname

Mine too. Miraculously they have all navigated education, the world of work and relationships without being traumatised from having names not quite the same as their grandparents or parents.

Your family is being VVU, and I don't accept the 'generation' thing. Dh and I are rather older than your dps, and we had no issue with a dd (largely for professional reasons) keeping her maiden name when she married just a few years ago. Nor did her dh or any of his family.

What's more, my own parents, who would both have been over 100 now, and were pretty diehard Tory-voting traditionalists, made no fuss when my sister kept her maiden name on marrying, over 35 years ago. I dare say they didn't altogether like it, but since it was none of their business, they kept their mouths shut.

please - I am 52, I am not the 'Older Generation'
My kids are all still at school!
My parents, (nearly 80) would have been fine with this. Don't be lazy and blame age.

I LOVE the idea of a new surname. I changed to my husbands simply because I really wanted us all to have the same name, dh, me and our kids, it was a statement about being a new family unit.

I would have loved to have been original enough to find a new surname from our old ones.

Dh isn't British and all my official papers in his country have Mrs hissurname-mysurname on them, they won't change it to just his name.

Sorry but I think it's a ridiculous idea. Just double barrel or keep your name, mashing the names together is just daft.

I kept my name & 20 years on, hardly anyone gets it right. Do your own thing, people splutter on, makes no actual difference.

If anything, I would say it was more common then than it is now.

This is certainly true among the women I know. I kept my name and so did most of my friends (second-wave feminists, us), but my daughter and all of her friends have taken their husband's name.

The same is true at work. All of the younger women who have married have changed their names. It's us oldies who haven't changed our names.

Your family sound crazy OP. I can’t imagine why they would get worked up over this - most odd. As for threatening to “walk out” of the wedding - this is the kind of manipulation that needs to be ignored at all costs.

Its none of their business,do as you please.

I do think it falls into the category of ‘unique’ names that cause a bit of an eye roll.

Would also be ghastly if things didn’t work out 😬

Would also be ghastly if things didn’t work out 😬

Why?

Would it be any worse than being left with your ex husbands/husbands family name if you split? At least a portmanteau name doesn’t associate you with his family still if you didn’t want to revert to your birth name...

OP if you think this is fun...if you have kids there will be strops from them about all kinds of things I bet. Nip in bud I say.

We had lots of talk about surnames when we married, were going to just choose one we liked rather than adopt a family one from either side - in the end we both legally changed our surnames to mother in laws maiden name which we both liked :) Names are important, so make sure its what you want. You will have to sign it for the rest of life. Not them. They made their choices and I bet they didn't always go with what their parents thought either. This one's up to you and you are an independent adult. Might not be their choice but they ought to respect yours.

*Drogosnextwife

Sorry but I think it's a ridiculous idea. Just double barrel or keep your name, mashing the names together is just daft.*

This. I really don't understand why you would do this. That said, it has eff all to do with your parents.

Seems to me like you and your dp are making a big 'thing' of it, explaining why and what it means to you in the speech etc and that's why they've got riled up, perhaps if you'd just said it's going to be xyz and got on with it without a fuss they probably would be over it by now.

Oh, nip this shit in the bud right now! Never mind the ins and outs of who likes what names or doesn't, if you allow them to dictate to you over this it'll never stop. If you decide to have children they'll be sticking their noses in all over the place.

You are adults, act like it and take charge of your decisions.

Tell your mother to mind her own business, and if she wants to act like a tantrumming toddler let her make a fool of herself. You won't look silly she will.

All surnames were made up once.

Either trade (Smith), place related, or play on funny features i.e Mrs Small. Or something like Robinson (son of Robin) Not that long ago either - maybe middle ages?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surname

Ha ha ha What did the Romans do for us, well apart from the roads, education, public health...they instigated surnames to argue over!!

mashing the names together is just daft.

It really depends on what it combines to. Ours is great and doesn't sound daft at all.

Neither of us wanted double barreled name, to us, and this is personal taste, that sounded silly.