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AIBU?

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Original poster

I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

485 replies

aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:25

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

OP posts:
JonestheMail · 23/05/2019 18:40

How bizarre. Does your mum have form for being overly interested in parts of your life which are nothing to do with her?

I definitely would not be placating her over this. Time she learned you are an adult now.

Gilld69 · 23/05/2019 18:42

I have both our surnames he has just one my maiden nsme was my grandads first name its malaysian and very unusual only 9 people in the family carry it so i was keeping it i also gave it to my son and not my daughters , do what you want to do no parent in the world is going to walk out andspoil their childs special day .

Tinkerbelle57 · 23/05/2019 18:42

There are too many controlling parents around that don’t understand that when their children become adults they are old enough and legally entitled to live their life as they please.

When you are married, as long as it’s legal you can do whatever you want with your names so tell them it doesn’t interfere with their names and it’s what you and your ‘husband ‘ have decided what you want to do. Decisions between husband and wife are no concern of anybody else.
Do what makes you happy at your wedding, she can storm out but it will draw attention to how immature she is being.
When you have children, she won’t want to miss out on them so she may think twice about throwing a ‘tantrum ‘.

jillb55 · 23/05/2019 18:44

Sorry, OP, but I think your mother is behaving disgracefully. I think it is a lovely idea and I did it myself. It's your name, your choice. Please don't give in to her awful attitude. If she walks out, she will miss the party. Her loss.

mimibunz · 23/05/2019 18:46

It’s not a generational thing. Your parents are the thing. I don’t mean to be harsh but seriously?? I’m in my 50s and none of my peers could give a damn.

MB34 · 23/05/2019 18:49

Don’t engage in any more debate with her/anyone about it. If anyone brings it up just say you and DH have made your decision and are sticking with it. They will eventually come round.
I kept my name when I got married and even though I still get some letters to Mrs HisName, everyone does know that I’m still Mrs MyName as I correct them all the time.

Even recently, I had my third child and when I told my DM his name (after he was born but before we registered him-took us 5 weeks to fully decide), she wasn’t happy and kept suggesting other names in person and via text. Once we registered him and I sent her a WhatsApp pic of the birth certificate, she was ok about it (even though she still thinks the reason we named him what we did was because of a certain band-it’s not but that’s a whole other thread)

MB34 · 23/05/2019 18:51

Btw I think it’s a lovely idea what you’re doing, I would have done it if our surnames had mixed well together but they don’t.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 23/05/2019 19:00

*I confess I did cringe when Dawn Porter took the O' from Chris O'Dowd's name to become Dawn O'Porter.

Maybe Dawn O'Dowd was too close to Dawn of the dead or maybe it was for her work but just taking the O seemed like taking the P.*

For some reason I woke up thinking about this post this morning. I agree that Dawn O’Porter sounds like a slightly silly name but I find it interesting that she’s deemed to be ‘taking the piss’ by only taking one letter from her husband’s name.

I’m not particularly aiming this at you Rage as I know it wasn’t a really serious point but I just find it really fascinating that we kind of by default expect women to do certain things that we never ask men to do, and that we find it slightly jarring when they do anything that isn’t the pre-approved norm.

Merging your surnames only seems weird if you’re from a certain culture, plenty of other countries do this as standard and it isn’t ‘cringe’ at all. And actually there’s an argument to be made that merging names is much more romantic than keeping your own name if that name came from your dad, who got it from his dad, who got it from his dad...

libra101 · 23/05/2019 19:01

When my daughter married her husband, they decided on joining their surnames (double barelled).

We didn't have a problem with it, but thought it sounded a bit pretentious.

LouH1981 · 23/05/2019 19:02

I don’t understand why they don’t like the idea. It means their family name is able to live on.
Plus it’s really not that uncommon...I really don’t see the problem. Just do it, it’s your name that you have to live with. They’ll get over it.

vincettenoir · 23/05/2019 19:03

I’m sorry about your family’s behaviour OP. If they’re not mad on the idea that’s up to them but ultimately they should be accepting that it’s your choice and they should suck it up rather than try to manipulate you. I agree with others that the storming out threat is probably just a tactic and if it came to the crunch your mum would be unlikely to do that. Weddings are usually very happy occasions and people generally get swept up in all the goodwill.

helenwatermelon · 23/05/2019 19:04

You say you don't have kids yet op? If you let them get away with this, do you have any idea what they're going to be like with your children's names??!! Say you choose unusual and they demand traditional, etc etc etc with every decision you make......

LittleMsM · 23/05/2019 19:06

I love this! I wanted to do this but my husband just won't go for it! I kept my name, 'cos it's me, and said I might take both for children, then had children fast, so then at 10 years,about when my passport ran out - so I'm passport only got both names and when the children have their passports renewed they will also have the same surname as me and my husband will too! I wanted to do what you guys are doing, I love what it says about you two as a couple! You could just keep the name thing out of the wedding though, as you don't sign it anywhere, and I hadn't really decided when I got married, the registrar say I'm just going to say 'I present Mr & Mrs XXX ' and I said quickly 'No, present the Newlyweds' - as she did, so seeing as the wedding is being paid for by your parents, and there is that, you could just make sure you send your thank you notes with your new names and the explanation. Or when people ask you, I'm not saying you should pander to either parents, but you Mum has only said that if you announce it at the wedding, she'll leave. Do what you want with your names, but it sounds like both your parents, for some bizarre reason aren't on board, so leave it out of the speech.... I reckon, every bit of why you're choosing it, is probably pretty much the same reason to get married, your husbands speech is not a rally cry for reasons why, ultimately that's between you. You will undoubtedly still get people calling you by the wrong name still, but change it legally and it's your name.

Lydja · 23/05/2019 19:14

Haha if I would do that with my partner the only pronunciation possible would be Vegan and I’m not having that as a last name 😂😂

If it works with yours go for it, your mom is being selfish and if she wants to walk out then let her because why would you want someone who can’t respect your decisions and reasons for them there anyway, I know she’s your mom and your close but ugh.. we can’t combine ours so when we do get married we’re double barreling.. my mom married my dad in 1981 and she has my dads and her name double barreled.. as kids we have just my dads name but I would like to pass my Dutch last name and my partners Irish last name on to our baby coming.. so the baby is gonna have double barreled names as well..

If your mom is unwilling to listen when you try to explain your reasons maybe write them down in a letter and give that to her.. if she’s still being a child about it well that’s her problem..

Lydja · 23/05/2019 19:19

I actually like the idea of printing off a little note to add in the thank you notes with what and why you chose the new last name..

malificent7 · 23/05/2019 19:23

Wtf...they sound very strange op.

BenWillbondsPants · 23/05/2019 19:24

I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation.

I'm mid 50s and I know plenty of people who kept their own name and a couple who have double-barrelled.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/05/2019 19:26

Dawn porter merged married names

Deadposhtory · 23/05/2019 19:37

I'm nearly fifty and kept my own name and kids have a double barrel name. Your parents sound nuts

BertrandRussell · 23/05/2019 19:40

“I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation.”

I beg to differ. I know loads of women my age who kept their own. Fewer in the generations below.

EllenMP · 23/05/2019 19:41

My friend did the same when she married. We all thought it was lovely. Good luck with your parents.

WyfOfBathe · 23/05/2019 19:43

DH and I considered doing this, but whichever way we combined it we just got an unpronounceable mess (names from two different languages).

If you have a good relationship with your mum, I doubt she would really walk out of the wedding over it.

Throckmorton · 23/05/2019 19:51

@LauraRo - I absolutely love how you and your family chose your new family surname! Totally brilliant!

Birdie6 · 23/05/2019 19:56

Just wondering if it's really necessary to announce this at the wedding ? I've never heard a groom announce what your names are going to be during his speech . Especially since the change is causing some angst . Why not just do it and don't make a big thing of it ?

BlueJava · 23/05/2019 20:04

I don't see why your parents are so concerned (unless the is some massive dripfeed of what the names actually are and they sound so weird together). I think you have to make a stand and go for it - otherwise it's like they could control your married life, just by kicking off.