I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

[aokchesh]

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

It's like one has Robbins, one has Thompson. So they make Robson. Hardly naff or sneer worthy is it? No, thought not.

Yes it is, because it’s a completely rootless, pointless name devoid of any history. They’ve put the letters of their name into a scrabble bag and got something reasonable, and maybe count themselves lucky they didn’t get Thompbins. Forevermore other people called Robson will be asking if they’re a relation and they’ll have to say “No, we made our name up from thin air. It has no meaning, it’s just a portmanteau word, like brunch or motel.”

If you want to do something worthwhile become Thompson-Robbins.

I think your attitude is informed by the fact you’ve changed all your names, and apparently on multiple occasions (all three at the age of 18? Why?), which the overwhelming majority of people don’t do unless, say, trying to escape the past, which doesn't seem OP's plan.

People will take the piss. Not to your face no....., but behind your back ... yes

Nope.

Thankfully people like you and Intothe are few and far between.

People like Intothe are (thankfully) in the majority. The majority of people will judge, not sit there with a rictus grin and say “Oh, how lovely, how original! You were Miss Smith and he was Mr Davis, now you’re going to be Mr and Mrs Smivis, how refreshingly different.”

The majority who think for themselves will be sniggering behind their sleeves at it, and, as one poster said, will be turning to their spouse in the middle of the groom’s speech and whispering “If we’d done that, we’d have been the No-nails/the Willies/the Cheesecocks/the Gerbils/the Fucks. Bloody Nora!” A laughing stock at their own wedding.

But in today’s snowflake world, you’re not meant to judge people, are you, even if they do something daft. Oh no, don’t judge other people’s choices – they’re happy with it and you’re meant to be happy for them.

Well I do judge. Most people do, and quite right. This entire website revolves around judging other people except when it comes to threads where the focus is the OP, in which case judgment is oh so terrible.

I think your attitude is informed by the fact you’ve changed all your names, and apparently on multiple occasions (all three at the age of 18? Why?)

I grew up in the care system. My birth mother was an absolute cunt. I made myself.

Well I do judge. Most people do, and quite right.

Bollocks. You might, but I don't think the majority of people are bigoted twats.

It's absolutely nothing to do with your mum, or dad or bloody anyone else. If you and your husband to be are both happy with your choice, please don't let anyone else spoil it. They don't like it-so what. They are irrelevant. Say if she storms out let her. Simply ignore it. Dont acknowledge childish behaviour.

it’s a completely rootless, pointless name devoid of any history.

The roots are me, the history is me and DH.

The majority who think for themselves will be sniggering behind their sleeves at it, and, as one poster said, will be turning to their spouse in the middle of the groom’s speech and whispering “If we’d done that, we’d have been the No-nails/the Willies/the Cheesecocks/the Gerbils/the Fucks. Bloody Nora!” A laughing stock at their own wedding.

A laughing stock? What on earth are your friends and relatives like??? Yeah, people could put together their own names for a laugh after they hear it (hey we'd be the smithsons and you'd be the Potmouths!) but why does that have to be nasty and snickering and laughing at the OP? You and your acquaintance sound juvenile, nasty and really old-fashioned and insular.

You can call yourself whatever you like and it's nobody's business but yours.

But why the need to make some dramatic announcement accompanied by a cringy (probably toe curling) poem? It all sounds a bit naff and very eww. Leave that bit a home.

I am in my 50s and couldn’t give a monkey’s what any offspring decide to call themselves. Well, actually, that’s a lie, I do care, but like any normal person living in the 21st century, I think adults should be able to call themselves whatsoever they wish. My opinion is private and if they ask, I will give it, but the decision is their’s

I think it’s a lovely idea. A serious sit down to discuss with your parents is needed. Tell them how they are making you feel. Lay it on the line once and for all op.

I have a friend who did this exact thing around 15 years ago. The joined name made sense and they both took it. It is not an outrageous thing that you are doing. I think your families’ reactions are disproportionate. They may think it odd, but the reaction seems totally OTT. Have they given a real explanation, aside from ‘it is stupid’?
I don’t think you should back down. It is important to you both. What if your mum heard your husband to be’s speech about it?

@Throckmorton Thanks! We like it and we actually chose her middle name as it was meaningful to us so it all fit!

I'm actually reading a classic Sci Fi novel at the moment called The Woman On the Edge of Time. Part of the book is set in a sort of speculative utopia and (a small) part of their path to liberation as a society is that children get to rename themselves as a part of becoming an adult. Names have power and cherishing the one you were born with or picking a new one that reflects how you've changed and grown since that day or who you choose to share the rest of your life with should be equally acceptable!

I really like this idea. Dh and I couldn't have done it, no possible combination is anything other than ridiculous, but its such a good idea. I took dh's surname. It's very much mine now, as much as my previous one ever was. I do understand the concerns women have about doing that but I really like my name since I changed it, for so many reasons.

Why is it anything at all to do with them? have they nothing else in life to think about?

Have you tried saying: "I am tired of you whinging on about this; it is none of your business. Please stop."

Give them something else to worry about. Make up something really controversial about your wedding that they would hate 🤣. Let them stew on it and then be ever so kind and change your mind about it.
Seriously do not let yourselves be manipulated by such awful behaviour. Threatening your daughters wedding over something so trivial is outrageous. As others have said - ignore this behaviour or it will only get worse!

Sorry I’m with the parents in thinking it’s very odd and ridiculous. That said I wouldn’t storm out or bang on about it.

@Cookingclass
Sorry I’m with the parents in thinking it’s very odd and ridiculous.

Why?

Nobody has been able to answer why yet, so can you?

TurnItUpTurnItAround

I suppose because I’m a traditionalist. It sounds ludicrous to me. I also don't like people making double barrel names or jointing their Christian names together to name their baby.
It is of course entirely up to OP what she does but when you do something outside the norm you need to be prepared for opinions and not all will be favourable

It is of course entirely up to OP what she does but when you do something outside the norm you need to be prepared for opinions and not all will be favourable

What norm? Many posters are saying the norm in their circle is to keep their own names or adopt both. Creating a portmanteau name is surely just an extension of that?

It is of course entirely up to OP what she does but when you do something outside the norm you need to be prepared for opinions and not all will be favourable

Well yes indeed - depending on what is the "something" you do. In my world if you decide on a name either for yourself or your child, anyone expressing an unfavourable opinion is simply ill-mannered and rude. I know plenty of people who name their children things "outside the norm" Should I then laugh at them at the christening or express my opinion to them or berate them for their choice or do anything other than say "how lovely"?

On every thread about keeping your own name and other options someone suggests blending the names to make a new name or simply adopting a new name,

It can’t be that outlandish!

And I just can’t see what there is to judge. It makes not one bit of nano difference to anyone else.

It's more ludicrous to ditch your own name and take your husband's. Why do we want to keep that tradition going? A new family = a new family name. Sounds good to me.

Whilst I don’t understand why it’s anybody’s business but yours, I do think it’s naff.

Sounds pretentious and “trying too hard”.

You’ll regret it, you’re caught up in the romance of planning the wedding. I’m not usually cynical but I have been known to roll my eyes at people who feel they have to over-explain or justify themselves.

Keep your own name, have kids and then decide. I’d love to open a book on it and I’ll place the first bet - you’ll cringe at the idea of your “unique” idea in a few years.

If you’re really determined, though, just get married without the big party. You’re an adult, you don’t need permission.

My husbands mother didn't change her name when she got married, and she was born in the 1920's (admittedly it WAS unusual then, but not unheard of.) I didn't change mine, nor did any of my friends, never occurred to us to do so(we range from mid 50's to mid 60's) And it was not unusual to double barrel both surnames at the time, so your parent's age doesn't give them an excuse to disrespect your choice.

I did get passive aggressive comments from my mother for many years afterwards and letters, cards and even cheques that she knew I couldn't pay in or cash! addressed to Mrs Partners Surname rather than Ms Riv. but that was her problem, not mine. I still loved her and smiled at her little foibles, she was still my DM

I think it’s a lovely idea- maybe more so if you’ve got a blended family, but to me it suggests you’re starting out your lives together.

It actually would (esp if dh is making a speech with that in it) be a fun table game to include in favours etc- ‘what would your blended name be with the person sitting opposite you?’

Your mum won’t storm out- it’s your wedding, not hers.

(If dp and I get married I would be Mrs Clitmas, so I am very much in favour of this!)

@Cookingclass
I suppose because I’m a traditionalist.

So you think a woman should just change to her husbands name?

I'm genuinely curious, what if two women/men?