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Original poster

I want to combine my name with my fiancees when we get married but mum is furious

485 replies

aokchesh · 22/05/2019 10:25

Hiya,
New poster here so apologies on long post.
I'm getting married in June and my parents and brothers absolutely love my fiancee and see him as one of the family.
However we announced that instead of me taking his name, we will both change our names to a combination of our surnames.
This was met with absolute fury from my family and a massive fight, followed by nearly a year of passive aggressive comments and my mum constantly saying 'so and so thinks it's ridiculous' etc etc.
I understand that generationally it is different, my parents are late 50s and even keeping your own name wasn't really done in their generation. They are totally fine with me taking his, so it's not the changing name thing that bothers them, and they are fine (but less happy) if I kept my own name, it's literally just the joining of names that they have an issue with.

The name itself works well (sounds like a normal surname) and we both like the idea of honouring both of our families and keeping that route, and neither of us would be happy if I took his name.

His family is also upset but they were willing to sit down and talk it through and they understand now, and acknowledge that a lot of it was just because it's out of their comfort zone but ultimately they support it.

My parents however have said 'we will support you but we don't like it' but have subsequently repeatedly said it is 'stupid' a 'terrible' idea, 'awful' etc which isn't particularly supportive in my mind.

Most recently my mum said that if we announced it at the wedding she would walk out (I'm really close to her so that would be very upsetting but also they are paying so complicated there too!). My fiancee has written a really lovely bit in his speech about why we want to do it and what it means to us etc and I don't want him to have to take it out but i don't want to cause a big issue on the wedding day. Equallly I want us to be able to tell people so it is official rather than people not knowing what we are doing etc.

Now I feel like I will just end up keeping my own name until we have kids but I really resent that I'm basically making that decision to please my parents rather than because it is what I want.

I don't know what to do or how to get my parents to be supportive as I know they will just continue to undermine it behind our backs whenever they speak to anybody and we want them to support it. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to?

OP posts:
Amibeingdaft81 · 23/05/2019 17:25

my DH told my DP what we were going to name our DS, my DF turned around and said "I don't like it, I will call him X instead" he never did, from the moment my DS was born he has always refered to him by his name.

Who needs enemies when you have a parent like this. Wilfully going against something that is absolutely your decision and purposely making a really special time - stressful and negative.

ButterscupsRevenge · 23/05/2019 17:30

Id move her to the kids table because she's behaving like one

LauraRo · 23/05/2019 17:34

My fiance and I have debated the name thing all about the park. I don't want to take his name, he doesn't want to take my name, he doesn't want to double barrel, we tried the name blending thing and it all sounded weird. In the end our DD said my name is "Robyn Rowan (her middle name), just Robyn Rowan" so like that in a moment of fun we decided we would all be Rowans. She chose a new middle name in the end!

Our families have got over their eyerolls now and just never want to hear about it ever again. Have you tried boring them to death with it? Worked wonders over here!

Fowles94 · 23/05/2019 17:39

That's stupid it's neither of your names.

DuMondeB · 23/05/2019 17:40

It’s weird that it’s the brides family that is so offended - traditionally the bride’s family name disappears completely on marriage (in the U.K. anyway).

These days people are doing all sorts of stuff, sticking to their birth names, groom’s taking bride’s names, making up new ones, looking for common names in both partner’s historical family trees etc.

You won’t please everyone, so do what you like - you’ll get Xmas cards addressed to all sorts of variations, but as cheques are now more or less obsolete, it won’t matter what people write on envelopes. I never bother to correct anyone, unless it’s a professional environment or necessary for accuracy (plane tickets matching passport name!)

I’m on husband number 3 but still using husband number 1’s name double barrelled with my birth name, I sometimes get cards with three surnames on (and don’t even get started on Miss/Mrs/Ms) 😂

Perhaps a good compromise is dropping the part from your fiance’s speech, but printing it on an insert to send out with your ‘thank you’ cards?

CauliflowerBalti · 23/05/2019 17:41

I wouldn't change a single thing about your plans - the name, or the speech at the wedding. Let her storm out - only one person will look stupid, and it won't be either you or your new husband. She's behaving like a total child.

higgyhog · 23/05/2019 17:44

I'm over 60, my generation often kept their own names on marriage. I'm Ms higgy, he is Mr Hoggy and our sons are Higgy Hoggy without a hyphen. Would that work for you?

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 23/05/2019 17:45

I wouldn't change a single thing about your plans - the name, or the speech at the wedding. Let her storm out - only one person will look stupid, and it won't be either you or your new husband. She's behaving like a total child.

^This

(and don’t even get started on Miss/Mrs/Ms) 😂

My choice was to be Ms. Grin

Alpal1 · 23/05/2019 17:46

My first job, I remember an HR director in my company refusing to let married women continue with their old names. He just changed all their details on their records, memos etc....regardless of their wishes.
I thought this attitude died out when he retired!

Your mother's behaviour is controlling and she and your family are totally in the wrong. But please don't think it's age, my parents are older and would hardly blink whatever I chose.

You should do what you choose. It's your name after all. You can't sadly change their behaviour but can chose to ignore it. If you mother wants to look foolish then that's her choice.

Courtney10891 · 23/05/2019 17:46

Honestly why are you even giving your mum the time of day and having this argument with her. She is your mum for god sake, is she really going to fall out with you over this? Why is it even her business to be honest! Your a grown adult do what you want. It’s nobody’s business and not even worth discussing. Tell her to get over it and move on x

Ilfie · 23/05/2019 17:50

My daughter did this 3yrs ago when she married, her Dad and I had no problem with it, it’s their lives and they can do anything they like- her husbands father had problem with it but they are originally Italian, which may make a difference? But even they came around - you don’t own your children.

Grasspigeons · 23/05/2019 17:51

I wanted to do this. We didnt and i really regret it. Stick to your plan.

TigerTooth · 23/05/2019 17:53

I think it’s a lovely idea - show your mum this thread.

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 23/05/2019 17:55

OP, I would like to share with you what my Dad said the first time I changed my name.
He said: 'The moment you were born and we gave you those names, they were yours to do with whatever you wanted'

DuMondeB · 23/05/2019 17:55

My choice was to be Ms Grin

Mine too, from my first ATM card onwards (age about 14, now 42)!

Get all sorts on card envelopes though - not worth the time/stress of trying to correct people.

HiggyHog we do double name without a hyphen too - it’s a bit of a fucker though because some online forms won’t accept it (‘Your surname is invalid’ is one of my favourite auto responses!).

This means I’ve ended up with a strange mishmash of hyphen/no hyphen on various things. It’s officially no hyphen (as shown on my passport) but my bank cards have hyphen.

Pliudev · 23/05/2019 17:56

I can't understand this. And I don't know why it should have become such an issue for your family. It's your choice and really nothing to do with them. I very much doubt your mother will walk out of your wedding but maybe you have to let her know (again) just how hurt you would be if she did that and go ahead as planned.

daddydaddycool · 23/05/2019 18:00

On an unrelated note we named our daughter Felicity, shortened to Flick. Quite often when handwritten (in cards for example), the L and I look combined to form a U - something we hadn't given any prior thought to!

So now we just think FLICK IT, she may as well marry a fella called Clint Smile

manicmij · 23/05/2019 18:03

Have worked with people who double barrelled names on marriage and then their families went on to marry and double barrelled it was line writing a book addressing the new Mr & Mrs. Their lives were complicated but their choice. For joining bits of a name, haven't cone come across that. Would be interesting to see if any complications arose from that. But again your choice. Would their be any chance the Groom doesn't labour the issue in his speech. Usually the B & G are announced as the new Mr & Mrs whatever so the guests will hear for themselves the name you have chosen. Just a thought.

Rachand23 · 23/05/2019 18:10

I have a double surname, it’s a pain. Wish we only had the one, plus there’s my middle name, honestly feels like I am writing a novel when I have to put my name in full!

TurnItUpTurnItAround · 23/05/2019 18:13

@Rachand23 So change it to something you want.

JellicleCat · 23/05/2019 18:17

I got married 25 years ago and decided not to change my name. My father did not approve and told me it was illegal. I laughed at him and carried on regardless. My advice? Do what you want, it's your decision, not your family's.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 23/05/2019 18:24

Apologies for the business analogy but marriage is a merger not a take over! Taking each other’s names is a perfect demonstration of this.

nuxe1984 · 23/05/2019 18:29

In some cultures this is the norm! I would just do what you want to do, it's nothing really to do with your parents. Have to admit their reaction is a bit weird though, especially as they'd be ok with you keeping your name!

Don't make a big thing of it at the wedding. Especially if it will upset your mum. People will find out soon enough, especially if you plan to send thank you letters/emails afterwards. And if anyone actually asks you, just discreetly say we're combining our names and leave it at that.

marzipanballsrule · 23/05/2019 18:30

I know someone who did this and it was amazing!

Their families were happy that both names were represented and it showed their personalities and start of a new family

Sounds like you mum raised a strong independent daughter who knows what she wants and maybe your mum just needs time to realise this

Wishing you a wonderful married life and lovely wedding day Thanks

perfectstorm · 23/05/2019 18:35

I think this is a lovely idea. Really lovely. Creating a new family name that honours you both, and both your families. And it's so sad that it's your parents who are the ones being so difficult.

I'd point out to your Mum that if she walked out of the reception over that, the talk would all be about her bad manners and making the day all about her, and lack of concern for your welfare. It's completely true, after all. That's precisely how she would be seen, trying to mess with her own daughter's wedding because she was sulking over a name choice she doesn't agree with - who does that?!

If she wants to be remembered as the DM/MIL from hell, that's her choice.