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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
adaline · 22/05/2019 10:30

She didn’t give up a career to look after kids, it was her choice.

Childcare costs for twins is absolutely extortionate. Lots of couples struggle to pay for childcare for one child, let alone two of the same age! Then you have to juggle school too - two lots of holiday-care costs would wipe out many people's salaries (and then some) meaning a SAHP actually saves the family money.

I think lots of parents' of multiples have to have a SAHP for a good chunk of time, as it's not financially viable for both of them to work. Being out of the workplace for say, ten years (so through the primary years) won't do much for your earning power either, which is presumably something the courts took into account.

adaline · 22/05/2019 10:31

yes, of course, but she probably didn't know she would end up financially supporting him whilst he pays a massive amount of money to his ex wife.

How is she financially supporting him? He pays £500 a month to his ex and they have no mortgage - what's the rest of his salary going on if she's supporting him? Confused

And besides, the time to talk about finances is before you legally bind yourselves to each other, not afterwards! He was always paying out £500 a month - it's not something that's changed since they married.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 10:32

Exactly. But he doesn't, does he? So it seems fair to me he pays his exwife to cover the shortfall in his half of the care. Plus a sum to cover the things they actually need - food, clothing, a roof, etc

I'm pretty bored at people who think that men should be able to create children then just move on and leave their mother to raise them for a token monthly payment.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 10:33

childcare is extortionate for twins, of course it is, but you can get help towards childcare now, even if both parents work full time.

then you have to juggle school - yes just like every other working parent.

you don't HAVE to become a SAHM because you cant be arsed to work out the logistics. If she had really wanted to work, I am sure she could have done, even if it meant working opposite shifts to DH or whatever. So many people do this.

If she really did not want to stay at home, her DH could have but I would bet that did not even enter her head.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 10:34

How can you define how much it costs to raise a child? I would hope that £500 a month from both parents is sufficient.

My husband would happily have stayed at home if she’d wanted to support him and the kids, she had no interest in doing this, being a SAHP suited her perfectly.

OP posts:
escapade1234 · 22/05/2019 10:35

Was this situation only revealed to you after you’d signed your marriage registry?

adaline · 22/05/2019 10:36

childcare is extortionate for twins, of course it is, but you can get help towards childcare now, even if both parents work full time.

But not sixteen years ago when they were newborns!

My husband would happily have stayed at home if she’d wanted to support him and the kids, she had no interest in doing this, being a SAHP suited her perfectly.

And he agreed to it and stayed with her, so it clearly didn't bother him that much.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 10:37

So you're saying that he gives £500 a month for each child Plus £500 to her for the looking after she does that he doesn't? £1500 in total?

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 10:38

I'm pretty bored at people who think that men should be able to create children then just move on and leave their mother to raise them for a token monthly payment

im pretty bored of people assuming things that are total bollocks, to be honest. I have never said men should do that, I haven't said he shouldn't pay child maintenance. I have said he shouldn't pay spousal maintenance. He needs to look after his children, not his ex wife.

I have no sympathy for women who willingly quit their job, or work v little hours and expect their ex husband to financially support them for the rest of their lives just because they had children. A lot of women manage to have children, and still get off their arse and work for a living, especially when those children are not reliant on childcare and haven't been for what about 5 years?

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 10:39

tax credits existed 16 years ago didn't they?

Femodene · 22/05/2019 10:40

I don’t understand the resentment for this, if your husband thought it was unfair at any point in the passing years he could have sorted it out. It is solely his issue to solve. His ex wife did not have to agree to a divorce, so that’s a lie, he Ian choosing to pay her because he wants to, otherwise he would have sorted it out by now. The issue is him entirely.

cuppycakey · 22/05/2019 10:42

I remember a very similar thread recently which I assume was you OP?

I have been a stepmother. I even paid the maintenance (including spousal maintenance) one month when XH could not.

However, your situation is bleak. Your DH saw you coming. You are propping up this situation because you married him. You willingly involved yourself in this and now you are complaining? Why? has something changed between then and now - Serious question?

They, as a married couple, decided that she would be a SAHM and give up her career prospects. She is now working part time and he is paying spousal maintenance - how much we don't know. I don't see anything wrong with this.

being a SAHP suited her perfectly. of course it did with twins!

If DH objects then he can go back to court.

I think your anger is misdirected.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 10:43

Thank you plantpot you echo my thoughts entirely.

I’m quite bored of adaline repeatedly commenting as If she knows my situation better than I do.

It’s pretty clear he pays one sum of just over £500 per month which includes CM.

Just to be crystal clear, I fully agree he should pay for his children, I totally disagree with the spousal element as his ex is perfectly capable of earning enough to support herself but chooses to work minimal hours.

OP posts:
BlueEyedPersephone · 22/05/2019 10:44

He needs to go to solicitor and revisit spousal maintenance, if they have been divorced for more than a year he can do this, she is able to work more than 12 hours if kids come to you and are over 14. He needs to pay for his kids but not her as she can work. He does not earn enough to support a £1500 a month out going, irrelevant of you owning the house. If he is not on deeds he could technically pay you rent. You still have to pay for repairs maintenance , run car etc his left over income of c£400 is not enough to do that with.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 10:44

OK Parrot but there are 2 elements to bringing up children yes? The cash you lay out for the things they need and the physical care they require (their laundry, cooking meals for them, helping w homework, taking them to football training etc etc). Unless you have 50:50 care after a divorce then one parent (usually the mother) does far more of this than the other. So why is it not reasonable for that parent to be compensated financially for the time they use covering for the shortfall in care from the absent parent?

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 10:44

We have no details as OP won’t explain. The court/lawyers did have all the details and awarded ex wife accordingly.

Did ex wife have a mortgage to pay? Did he leave her/have an affair? Does she have issues which mean she can’t work FT? It’s all relative.

Just go to a solicitor and get advice, go to court and get it changed - courts are fair and if spousal (which you still won’t disclose percentage) is unfair it will be changed. It’s really that simple. He had/has choices, he didn’t have to agree if he couldn’t afford it or felt it was unfair.

Teenagers are rude by the way. Not saying it’s right or doesn’t hurt but it’s standard behaviour until their brains are fully formed. Seems like you have other issues with them and the situation.

You don’t have to pay half for them. Just be nice, kind and understanding. Teenagers are not pleasant to be around most of the time, don’t take it personally.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 10:45

Oh ok OP you think that you can support a 16 year old on £250 a month. Why not try it some time, suggest they move in with you.

escapade1234 · 22/05/2019 10:46

But did you disagree with her working so few hours when you married him? Or was this revealed to you afterwards? It has the resentment grown slowly? Or did you assume it would change?

combatbarbie · 22/05/2019 10:49

@OP the double standards on here never fail to amaze me!

Teens are expensive yes but i get your gripe over the SM. I would definitely seek to have the order revoked or amended, if they were younger i could kind of understand it. As for when they are with you, it's hard isn't it but when they're attitude is non desirable it does gripe.... But if you've got separate finances i would be leaning towards a 1/3 contribution from you.

Out of curiosity, how much is the split i.e £200SM/£300CM

ANewDawn10 · 22/05/2019 10:49

I honestly dont think 500 is a big amount. Even if you reduce it by the SM part, it makes the CM contribution even smaller which isnt enough anyway.

bethy15 · 22/05/2019 10:51

It’s pretty clear he pays one sum of just over £500 per month which includes CM.

Finally, it's answered.

Therefore, it's not too much. He has two children with her and a divorce settlement. I'm guessing she left him with his pensions, therefore he has to pay.

In your eyes she may have 'chosen' to be a SAHM, however having twins is not easy, someone would have had to as it's hard to find the care for two of the same age. It's her life, not yours, and it's him who has had to pay for the life he lead beforehand. It's not on you to tell her how she should have lived her life or how she should now.

You are not paying, he is, and that's as it should be.

£500 for two teenagers and spousal support isn't that much. If you took it to court she could end up with even more.

You sound very bitter, I wonder how long you have in this relationship with this bitterness, which is unfortunate, as he'll be able to claim some of your own home now.

BusyEvenForBee · 22/05/2019 10:56

Spousal maintenance should not exist particularly in this case. A woman has equal opportunity to work as her husband, this one chose not to. She didn’t give up a career to look after kids, it was her choice.

I am with OP on this one. Kids are late teenagers, their mum should support herself at this stage and not seek spousal maintenance from ex, who is rightly trying to build up a new life.

Do get legal advice in order to see where he stands with payments.

theboomtownrat · 22/05/2019 10:58

Op for what it's worth, I dont think yabu.
Pay for the kids, yes
Spousal maintenance... hell no

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 10:58

barbarian op says they stay several nights a week, so I can imagine that her and her DH are still physically caring for them during that time.

I also don't believe that you need to be paid to look after your own children tbh. That's a sad outlook to have.

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 10:59

Yes, why don’t you and DH have them live with you now and the £500 won’t have to be paid. Ex wife can get a job with her new found freedom (no washing, cleaning, never ending cooking, exam support, emotional support, bus fares, bills, driving lessons, first cars, holidays, being a mum taxi etc etc) she can buy/rent herself a smaller home, smaller car and have a break.

Go for it. You’ll be £500 better off (🤣) and free from resentment.