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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
somecakefather · 22/05/2019 09:14

Also, it costs more than £500 a month to raise two kids. Hardly keeping her in the lap of luxury is it

Yes the ex wife should be paying as well, obviously. Your comment seems to suggest the responsibility is all on the father.

Gin96 · 22/05/2019 09:21

I’m with op here, without her, her dh could hardly afford to live. I would never have married a man in this position though, he is now entitled to half of your assets and income. You should have legal advise before you marry.

Illberidingshotgun · 22/05/2019 09:26

Is the SM set in a court order? What were the arrangements? How long will the SM go on for, and what were the other arrangements for finances? Is the Sm made on a "joint lives" basis? (unlikely unless they were married for a very long time.

It may be worth him getting some further legal advice, and looking at the possibility of a clean break consent order, if this hasn't already been considered. There are less and less situations where SM is paid for more than a set period of time. It is worth bearing in mind that unless this order is in place, his ex still can potentially make a claim against him, say for example his income increased substantially, or he inherits money. This order is entirely separate from CM arrangements.

RainbowWaffles · 22/05/2019 09:29

Nobody is going to be living the high life with two teenagers on a bung of 500 per month. I would suggest that it is benefits that allow her to work 12 hours per week far more than the contribution from your DH.

Yes he his probably paying a bit more than absolutely necessary. You need to specify how much is CM (and whether this is the minimum legal amount mandated by CMS) and how much is spousal support in order to really get an idea of whether this is unfair or not.

In any event, it’s a question for your DH whether the wants to try to pay the care minimum be can legally get away with or if he wants to pay more.

Gigglinghysterically · 22/05/2019 09:32

@HoldMeCloserTonyDanza

"How can she possibly support three people merely on £500/month and 12 hours wages?"
The OP has said the XW is on benefits in addition to these additional non-means tested maintenance payments.

As the children are of an age at which their mother does not need to be at home with them, I think the OP feels that their mother should work more (maybe full time?) hours.

So, the OP receives benefits such as:
ESA/UC,
Child tax credits,
Child benefit,
Possibly housing benefit,
Possibly Council Tax support,

She then receives £500 non-means tested maintenance on top. She works 12 hours per week which could be so that she earns a certain amount which enables her to remain under the earnings limit for continuing to claim ESA.

Maybe if OP feels she is working really hard and is paying over some of her own money to look after her DH's children while his XW is working minimal hours and claiming benefits, she feels a little resentful.

Disclaimer:
I am assuming OP is aware of XW's ability to work or knows that she is not in receipt of sickness benefit or disabled.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 09:48

Yanbu - why would you pay for his kids?

ridiculous that he's paying spousal maintenance on a wage less then 30k! can he not take her back to court?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 09:54

There’s a real mix of opinions which seem to be based on whether you have any experience of paying for someone else’s kids or not.

I’m not selfish and bitter, I work hard and don’t want to support a woman who is not interested in supporting herself properly.

The kids are part of my life whether I like that or not, that’s a different thread. My gripe is not with them, however, entirely based on their lack of manners I have almost entirely withdrawn from “days out”. I am not obliged to pay for their wants.

Spousal maintenance should not exist particularly in this case. A woman has equal opportunity to work as her husband, this one chose not to. She didn’t give up a career to look after kids, it was her choice.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 22/05/2019 09:55

If I remember correctly wasn't the gripe in the first thread that when they have the twins they spend a lot on going out and the OP is expected to pay half (hence op feeling she pays for the children)? So it was more about the expense of having the children and how that is paid, rather than how much CM is being paid.

Apologies if I've confused it with another post.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 09:57

op, the people who are telling you he should spend every spare penny on his kids and ex wife, are the ex wives. The ones who have had bad splits, who are bitter about it, honestly. It always happens on threads like this.

Those of us who can see it from a POV which is not clouded by anger, can see that its ridiculous. She could work, she just doesn't want to clearly. Spousal maintenance being paid out of a 30k wage is ridiculous and actually it surprises me that she got it.

I am not interested in supporting DP's ex either, its not my fault she didn't go to school, not my fault she's ended up in a dead end job, and its not dp's either. She was already a SAHM when dp met her, and continued to be one through choice. She has openly said that because I earn more than her (she has guessed this afaik!) that I should be contributing to her maintenance as well as DP.

Some people are just lazy and selfish.

adaline · 22/05/2019 10:07

Spousal maintenance should not exist particularly in this case. A woman has equal opportunity to work as her husband, this one chose not to. She didn’t give up a career to look after kids, it was her choice.

Well, a court (and your husband) decided otherwise.

So maybe take it up with them?

outsho · 22/05/2019 10:09

Spousal maintenance is very rare these days in the UK, how long ago did they divorce? When I divorced we didn’t even consider that, clean break is far easier for everyone. He was a fool to agree to it just to get her off his back, that’s his fault really...

£500 pm for two teens sounds about right if I’m being honest. I don’t even get half that from my shit ex for three DC... Your DH is paying enough and that should be commended. You knew he had children when you married him, no pity party for you whatsoever.

Also not sure how you are paying for his children if the £500 comes out of his wage... I’m imagining if they are late teens he won’t be paying for much longer anyway so chill.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 10:09

My husband reluctantly agreed. We are seeking advice regarding reviewing it!

OP posts:
adaline · 22/05/2019 10:12

My husband reluctantly agreed. We are seeking advice regarding reviewing it!

Fair enough, but he still agreed, and presumably you knew about his financial arrangements before deciding to join your lives and finances?

I think people are just saying that you knew all of this and chose to marry him anyway - so it's a bit late to be complaining about it now.

I've split up with an ex because he had children and the financial/emotional commitment to them wasn't for me. You're not obliged to stay with him if you're not happy with how things are going.

Missingstreetlife · 22/05/2019 10:14

She doesn't pay for his kids but he is not earning as much as she would like to cover it and live the lifestyle she wants. Can't have them in your house and treat them like strangers. They could still share expenses, meals out etc and put proportionate amounts in joint account. She could have an expensive hobby or spend a fortune on something else. Marriage is about helping each other. These kids will grow up so then he may be in a better position. She could have anticipated this, maybe she wants him to buy in to the house. They should think about wills.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 10:14

Yes adaline i’m aware of that! I chose to be with my husband because I love him and want to be with him, I’m not throwing that away because he has to pay money to his ex for a limited period. That doesn’t stop it annoying me and no it’s not too late to complain about it.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 22/05/2019 10:18

PlantPot, I am not a ‘second wife’, I have no personal experience of this sort of issue but I think the OP appears nasty and spiteful towards the mother of her husband’s children. She clearly knew he had twins when she met and agreed to marry him.

Also it is very irritating when the same poster starts the same thread all over again presumably because she didn’t like the answers the first time. Hmm

NoSauce · 22/05/2019 10:18

How else does the ex support herself if she’s only working 12 hours a week OP?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 10:20

How about she works more hours @nosauce it’s not my husband or my responsibility how she supports herself?

I am not spiteful towards her, I’m pointing out facts.

OP posts:
juneau · 22/05/2019 10:21

The only thing you can do about this OP is to get legal advice about changing or stopping the spousal support. You don't say how long ago this financial arrangement was agreed, but nowadays judges are a lot less inclined to give generous ongoing spousal support to an ex who is perfectly capable of supporting themselves once their resident DC are in FT school. As these two DC are late teens then spousal support for their DM would appear to be a somewhat of a pisstake and this woman should, by now, be self supporting.

sansou · 22/05/2019 10:23

How much is the spousal maintenance out of the £500?

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 10:25

"She didn't give up her career to look after kids, it was her choice"

Lucky for your dh eh? Otherwise he might have had to do it (they do need someone to look after them once they've arrived ).

Could you answer my question about whether he pays half the actual cost of raising them (you can include the spousal maintenance in that if you like) and does half the work?

NoSauce · 22/05/2019 10:25

OP I’m actually on your side here, I’m just curious to how much more money she gets a month and where it’s from.

Illberidingshotgun · 22/05/2019 10:27

If they are late teens then CM will be stopping shortly anyway, so the issue is the SM. What term was agreed by the court? As I mentioned previously, he really needs to consider a clean break consent order, without that she can still potentially make a further financial claim against him, should his circumstances change.

Why is she only able to work 12 hours a week? A court would want to know why she isn't working more, in order to support herself.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 10:27

She clearly knew he had twins when she met and agreed to marry him

yes, of course, but she probably didn't know she would end up financially supporting him whilst he pays a massive amount of money to his ex wife.

all this "you knew what you let yourself in for" is utter, utter shite.

barbarian she could have chosen to use childcare like many many people do.

you cant say "does he pay half the cost of raising them" because there is not a set cost for raising children. You live by your means and raise children within them. What you might spend on raising your child might be 3 x what I spend.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 10:29

if he does "half the work" ie has them half the time, barbarian he shouldn't be paying his ex wife a penny.

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