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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 10:59

barbarian lol how does it cost more than £250 a month to bring up a 16yo?

almost 15yo dss lived with us for 2 years and I can tell you it did not cost us even nearly that much.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 10:59

I had a part time job at 16 ffs

BusyEvenForBee · 22/05/2019 11:00

Correct me if I am wrong, by OP did mention that they pay for other kids related expenses apart from giving £500 a month. So if they do contribute towards uniforms, clothes, holidays, clubs, etc...£500 should be enough to give. Their mum should start working more hours like the rest of us do.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:01

mini I am not sure she'd have much freedom working a 12hr per week job, and no child benefit, tax credits, or maintenance on top. I assume she would be very poor, which I assume is why she would not do that.

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 11:02

Erm, rent or mortgage, bills, clothes, travel, council tax, food, clothes, holidays, driving lessons, pocket money....

Bouledeneige · 22/05/2019 11:03

He could try to take her back to court to review the arrangement.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:04

well she would pay rent anyway, it cost us £10 a week for dss transport, food I probably spent an extra 10er a week tops, clothes?! certainly didn't spend hundreds a month on that. You cant learn to drive at 16 and pocket money gets earnt in my house.

sorry, but I didn't even get close to £250. maybe some do, which is fine if you can afford that.

adaline · 22/05/2019 11:05

lol how does it cost more than £250 a month to bring up a 16yo?

Renting/paying for a house big enough for children, increased bills (council tax, water, electric), phone bills, school uniform, clothes, haircuts, pocket money, food, helping towards the costs of driving lessons, school dinners, bus passes...

cuppycakey · 22/05/2019 11:06

Plantpot the difference between a one bedroom property and a two bedroom (with twins sharing) would be around £75k where I live. Add another £75k if three bed property.

That's just for starters.

The OP has been spun a line by her DH about how he "couldn't" get divorced unless he agreed to all this which is clearly bollocks. A court, in full possession of all the financial and other relevant details (unlike us, or possibly OP) has decided this was fair.

OP didn't appear to have a problem with it when she first got with DH...and we still don't know how much of the £500 is SM. I reckon it's £40.

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 11:07

The ex is hardly living the high life on £500 plus part time job and benefits is she.

Again, if OP and DH don’t like it, go back to court and get it changed!

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:09

still not £250 per month in my opinion. Again 16yos cant learn to drive, and some 17yos get their own job to pay for their driving lessons, its not a given or a right.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:09

she's a lot better off than she would be as a single person with no kids working 12 hours a week.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:10

cuppy maybe where you live, but not everywhere, and tbh she has had to house 2 children for 16 years so its not like she specifically had to move when her husband moved out.

Even if the SM is £40 a month its £40 too much. He doesn't owe her anything.

adaline · 22/05/2019 11:12

she's a lot better off than she would be as a single person with no kids working 12 hours a week.

If she was a single person, she wouldn't have sacrificed her career/working potential to stay at home and raise newborn twins, would she?

If she earned minimum wage when pregnant, her income wouldn't have covered 2 x nursery fees. Maybe he earned more and they couldn't afford to lose her income and then more just to pay for childcare?

cuppycakey · 22/05/2019 11:14

tbh she has had to house 2 children for 16 years so its not like she specifically had to move when her husband moved out.

How do you know this? Are you the OP? She may have downsized from a five bed house, moved to a different area.

He doesn't owe her anything. You sound quite invested. How do you know what he does or doesn't owe her? I tell you who did know - the court who made the financial arrangements.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:16

she didn't have to sacrifice her career, and even if she did have to when the kids needed childcare, she has had 5 years to get back into work. She has clearly chosen not to do that. That is nobodys fault but her own. Even if she worked a min wage full time job, she would be better off, but she obviously doesn't want to do that. You cannot use the excuse of "I had kids" to excuse yourself from working a FT job for the rest of your life. Its ridiculous.

What I was specifically referring to is the situation as it is now, ie she is better off financially with 2 kids, than she would be if they lived with their dad as some posters have suggested.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:17

He doesn't owe her anything. You sound quite invested. How do you know what he does or doesn't owe her? I tell you who did know - the court who made the financial arrangements

Ok, I don't think he owes her anything. Sorry does replying to a thread make me invested? or just interested in the thread. You do realise this is the whole point of MN right?

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 11:18

How quickly did your step daughter grow at 16 Plantpot? How much did she eat? My SiL has had to replace her ds1's uniform /most of his clothing and all footwear in two or 3 times a year in the past two years because he's growing so fast. As for food he is 6', still growing and bottomless by and measuring device known to man.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:21

DSS (boy) has grown very quickly, we bought a new blazer, new shirts and trousers probably once a year. Shoes maybe 3 times a year. This did not equate to £250 PM.

He eats loads, but I make healthy filling meals and he snacks on fruit or toast, or crisps but again this probably didn't cost me more than £10 a week more than I was spending before.

I'm not an idiot you know, I'm just suggesting everyone spends different amounts of money on their kids, and whilst thats fine you cant benchmark what a teenager does or does not cost. There is no set rate.

user1471590586 · 22/05/2019 11:24

Why did the original court order give her spousal support? Was it instead of her claiming a portion of his pension? Or was it to contribute to a mortgage so the kids could stay in the same house? Most courts would favour a clean break I would think so what was the reasoning behind that decision?

Notonthestairs · 22/05/2019 11:25

How much of the £500 is spousal maintenance? £400? £200 £100?
What were the other elements of the financial settlement- particularly the pension pot?

Quartz2208 · 22/05/2019 11:26

If the court made the spousal arrangement its unlikely it was deemed to be unfair. I know you said he did it to get her to agree but he could have pushed it through the courts - was it because she agreed to have no rights over his pension, gave up her career to look after his kids.

The odd thing here is his earnings being low - is this a new thing?

DishingOutDone · 22/05/2019 11:28

So, OP, if you are seeking advice on having it reviewed, and you've had all these opinions here, then surely that's the end of the thread?

Almost everyone said get advice, some people argued it both ways, so what now? Are you literally just arguing in your spare time?

ScottishDoll · 22/05/2019 11:31

You could divorce your husband. That would give you both financial independence and the ability to choose the terms of your relationship.

You could have the children live with you both full time, you may have to read some parenting books so the concept of ill mannered teenagers becomes manageable for you (their brains are actually wired differently btw).

You could encourage your husband to increase his income, perhaps there is a way to increase yours?

You could get some help dealing with your response to a situation of your own making. I can understand you feeling powerless about this money leaving your household when times are tough but you agreed to that commitment by marrying your husband and blaming others for your own regretted actions is harming. Infantilising your husband by removing all responsibility from him regarding his finances or family decisions is harmful. He agreed as an adult to this arrangement presumably with legal advice and support.

This payment is just like council tax or a mortgage, it is essential not optional and if you want to change the terms you have to follow the official route to do so. The official route in this case is for your husband to return to mediation or court if he feels it is necessary.

steff13 · 22/05/2019 11:31

she has had 5 years to get back into work.

What does this mean? I don't see where the OP says they've been divorced for 5 years.