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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
user1493423934 · 22/05/2019 08:18

Bloody hell OP my ex earns waaaaaay more than that, and only paid me the bare mininum spousal maintanence for 2 years - and my kids were all under 10! (only did so reluctantly after suggested by lawyer and moaned. I'd been a SAHM).

ltk · 22/05/2019 08:19

3 nights a week (the lowest definition I can think of for few) and eow would be just shy of 50/50. CSA contributions would be v low at that point. You're right I am assuming she is reporting that accurately. And we still don't know if it is mum or dad picking up the big ticket items and recurring expenses like clothes and school trips.

bethy15 · 22/05/2019 08:21

The double standards on this forum never cease to amaze me, If i’d been the mother and not the SM in a similar situation the answers would have been entirely different.

Well..... not really.

If someone came on and said they are getting divorced and have twins to raise, the general support would be to push to get as much as you can.

You haven't really answered any questions such as how many nights are they at yours a week. Has she forfeited any pension rights? What about other equity?

You seem to just want to hear people say you should never have to contribute to the children when you married him knowing this, and now, they are your children too. If anything should happen to their mother you'll have to have them and pay for them full time.

SelfIdentifyingAsAnonymous · 22/05/2019 08:22

This is why it’s not always ‘protection’ for the woman to be married.

By marrying him you’ve essentially given him and his kids half your house.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 22/05/2019 08:26

I don't think YABU at all. £500 from one parent is essentially reasoning that it costs £1,000 per month to raise two children which sounds like crap to me.

dottiedodah · 22/05/2019 08:27

Is there a health reason she can only work 12 hours.If the children were young then I can understand it .But it must be possible to go back to court surely?.£500.00 p/m seems an awful lot on an average wage to me especially now they are older.

Pa1oma · 22/05/2019 08:30

Yesterday OP posted about the realisation that most married couples don’t split the bill when they go out for dinner, this kind of thing.

To be fair to her, I think she wouid like a situation where they can have shared finances, rather than a marriage where they are effectively separate financial entities. She wouid like to feel she can rely on her DH more, in this sense. However, this doesn’t make sense for her, given the DH’s commitments to his previous family. Although they are in similar incomes, he effectively earns less than her due to the CM/SM.

I can see how she feels resentful in a way, because the DH is supporting the ex wife (if only to the tune of £45 per week), but he doesn’t financially support her. The house was hers and he lives in it free. They even split the bills at dinner, as if they’re flatmates or something.

I think this is where the resentment is coming from.

PoesyCherish · 22/05/2019 08:32

Just a reminder the £500 is their father’s contribution, shouldn’t their mother also be paying towards them or does she get a free ride?

Just to pick up on this bit. If child maintenance is intended to cover the time they're with the other parent, his £500 is to cover half the costs of the time they're with their Mum - so with her contribution that's £1000 to cover her time. But they're only with her 50% of the time by the sounds of it. £1000 to cover the costs of raising two teenagers for half a month is pretty good going. If two teenagers cost more than 2k a month to raise, the vast majority of us are pretty fucked considering a lot of us don't even take home 2k a month and that's for everything.

Notonthestairs · 22/05/2019 08:34

This thread is hopeless without a breakdown of what the £500 accounts for. We also don't know any of the other relevant parts of the financial settlement (eg pension contributions).

sansou · 22/05/2019 08:34

Your resentment will eat you up. 25% of his net salary still leaves him with approx £1.5K net pcm. Yours is approx £2K net so you still have a household income of £3.5K net. With minimal housing costs and no DC of your own, it's a decent income!

Your resentment will kill your marriage.

PoesyCherish · 22/05/2019 08:40

How can she possibly support three people merely on £500/month and 12 hours wages?

Well the obvious answer would be working more hours at work like the rest of us have to.

People saying well he agreed, yes he did but it sounds like he didn't have much choice. DP's ex dragged out their financial order for a while. A colleague at work's husband has dragged out their divorce for years now over the financial order. It's not as simple as courts just granting the divorce regardless.

OP if you're still reading, the situation sucks. If it's been longer than 12 months since it was granted you can go through child maintenance service to reassess the child maintenance portion. I know you say you're happy to pay for the DC and not her, but if spousal maintenance is guaranteed until the twins are over 18, it'd be worth seeing if you can reduce the CM part. You'd still be paying the ex money which she can choose to use on the twins plus if you have them for 50% of the time, really you already are contributing a fair amount towards them.

prh47bridge · 22/05/2019 08:42

I haven't read the full thread. However, if he is paying over the odds for child maintenance he can refer that to the CMS. Their calculation would replace whatever is in the order. But he absolutely cannot stop paying child maintenance.

If his circumstances have changed since the original order he can also apply to have the spousal maintenance varied.

Kaykay06 · 22/05/2019 08:47

Surely he was paying this already before you married him from his wages
So what are you paying or is it just that you have less of his money every month?

It takes a hell of a lot more than 500 quid to house, feed, clothe etc 2 teenagers so I can imagine their mum lays out more or similar depending on her outgoings I know I lay a hell of a lot more than that for my kids because I have to but also because I want to so they have all they need and even then I struggle some months.

I think you should’ve chosen a man without kids/baggage as you clearly can’t cope with sharing your money or your life and I’m so glad you’re not my kids stepmother

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 08:48

“I’m just not interested in engaging with posters who know a tiny snapshot of my life“

Well you chose to post here giving the details to have. Feel free to give more detail and everyone can then give you an answer based on the actual situation.

If you don’t like it, get a solicitor which will cost £££, go to court to get the agreement changed which will cost £££ and then you’ll know things have been fairly, by law, changed to your satisfaction.

maddening · 22/05/2019 08:51

How much is the spousal element?

Scrumptiousbears · 22/05/2019 08:52

So after all this we never found out if £500 was child support and maintenance or just spousal maintenance? 🙄

flowery · 22/05/2019 08:57

No, and we never found out why OP thinks her “hard-earned cash” is paying for his kids, rather than it coming out of her DH’s salary.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 22/05/2019 08:57

If your dh is earning 30k a year, £500 a month is roughly a quarter of what he takes home each month.

However that’s by the by really, he agreed to it as part of the divorce, so it
Is what it is and you married him knowing this.

But... you have to deal with where you are now. If you are both earning roughly the same, why not propose that all mortgages, bills food etc, minus the £500 is put into one pot and you both pay 50/50. This does mean you pay 50% of any child related expenses (minus the £500 of course), but that’s all part of marrying someone with kids. Then whatever is left you both keep. The £500 will have to come out of whatever he has left, which means you’ll automatically be £500 a month better off. Is that fair? Will that also mean he won’t be able to pay for holidays, fun stuff etc as he won’t have any spare cash?? Seems a bit harsh but that’s basically what you are saying you’d be happy with OP?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 22/05/2019 08:59

To add, I have a friend who’s ex gives her £500 a month, she works minimum wage job for 16 hrs a week, she has 2 kids. With all her benefits etc, wageS and the £500, she earns roughly 30k a year if you add it all up and take into consideration she doesn’t pay tax on the £500, wages or benefits.

DishingOutDone · 22/05/2019 09:01

This madness - why doesn't the OP take the advice she's already been given, why won't she say what the £500 includes and why won't her DP ask a solicitor if its worth trying to get the arrangement reviewed?

AJPTaylor · 22/05/2019 09:01

It isn't your money. It is your husbands money
You knew that before you married him
Don't confuse what it costs to raise children with the minimum cms payment. Not the same thing at all.
It sounds like your otheroutgoings are minimal compared to most.how about counting your blessings?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/05/2019 09:02

There was a thread with exactly the same details a couple of weeks or so back ago. Have you posted about this before, OP?

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2019 09:05

So do you think the child maintenance covers 50% of the cost for his children? Do you and he do 50% of the care? I'm guessing not - in which case good for her for insisting on being compensated for picking up the slack. More women should do this.

Gigglinghysterically · 22/05/2019 09:05

OP,
I think the problem is that you haven't given the information asked for by others in order to help them give informed advice such as:

  1. Amount for child maintenance;
  2. Amount for spousal maintenance;
  3. Is it meant to be 50/50 agreement on child access?
  4. You say late teens. How old is that? When does child maintenance agreement cease?
  5. When does spousal support end?
  6. There"s confusion over whether the XW works 12 hours or 20. A PP thinks you said 20 in your previous thread. Can you clarify which it is?
  7. Is it that you pool your income with DH so you feel you are paying towards DSC and his XW?

As others have said, you must have known the situation when you married, but maybe this is just something you didn't think properly about and, now that you realise, you resent it.

You could have separate bank accounts to your DH and then, after he has paid out maintenance and any other child-related costs, he then pays his contribution to a joint account for the household budget. You would have more of your income left perhaps but, in the event that you split, your DH would be entitled to his share of your marital assets.

Whatever way you organise your income I suppose you will be taking some sort of financial hit or, if finances are strictly separate, resentment by one of you as marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

How is your relationship with your DH, is this something that is causing problems and resentment within it?

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 09:12

OP not coming back, she doesn’t want to answer, hasn’t heard what she wanted to hear and now thinks it’s getting ‘nasty’.

Waste of time.