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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
TildaKauskumholm · 22/05/2019 23:05

I sympathise with you OP, she does not NEED to stay at home if they are late teens, and if she is able bodied then yes she should get a job like most of us have to.

CanILeavenowplease · 22/05/2019 23:09

I sympathise with you OP, she does not NEED to stay at home if they are late teens, and if she is able bodied then yes she should get a job like most of us have to

The ex wife is entitled to make decisions about her home, her children, her finances that suit her situation and that of her children,

She has a job already.

Dippypippy1980 · 22/05/2019 23:14

But her taking a job would not change OPs financial position to any noticeable level. She won’t tell us how much the spousal support if - I figure about £100 per month.

OP would still be in a relationship with a man whose disposable income is lower than she would like because he is paying child support and feeding and entertaining his children when they stay with him.

CanILeavenowplease · 22/05/2019 23:20

But her taking a job would not change OPs financial position to any noticeable level

She already has a job.

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 23:44

For gods sake, who the fuck only knows why the ex wife isn’t working full time, it could be down to numerous factors, not least because she gave up a career to look after the kids! It’s nobody’s business anyway! She should do this, she should do that. Why??? She’s not asking for more money, not causing problems, just living her own life, which is HER CHOICE. It’s not the OP’s business or place to judge!!! She needs to look at herself and wonder why she chose to be in this situation, not whine because someone she doesn’t even know isn’t doing something SHE thinks they should!! He’d still have to pay EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT even if the ex earned £100k!!! It’s mean tested on the EX HUSBANDS salary and COURT ORDERED!!

Belenus · 23/05/2019 05:58

Life can’t be conducted like a balance sheet

Well quite. Especially when what we're discussing is some children who are stuck in the middle of a situation they didn't ask to be in.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 06:54

He’d still have to pay EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT even if the ex earned £100k!!! It’s mean tested on the EX HUSBANDS salary and COURT ORDERED!!

He wouldnt be paying spousal maintenance to someone earning 100k if thats what she was earning when they divorced.

Barbie222 · 23/05/2019 07:44

You sound like you want your husband to earn more money to cover his outgoings. Why doesn't he just do that? The rest is not in your control, or any of your business.

It reads very much as though you are trying to manipulate the twins out of coming over as a way to discourage spending money on them, too, which really leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

Miniloso · 23/05/2019 07:53

The CSA calculator online mentions nothing of the salary of the sole carer. It’s based on the spouse that has left. Can you share please where the CSA states both incomes?

Afterthestorm · 23/05/2019 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miniloso · 23/05/2019 08:19

Fair enough, in which case, now the ex husband is living rent and mortgage free, the ex wife may be entitled to more. I wonder if she knows that.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 23/05/2019 08:24

@miniloso yes let’s give her some more money! Great idea. I’ll let her know. How the actual fuck do you think that’s fair in any way?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 23/05/2019 08:39

In any case, regardless of anything in a couple of years the payments will stop. She’ll no longer be a passenger on this gravy train! No child maintenance to her, the kids will continue to be supported by us for their future needs, but it will be paid to them and the spousal will stop! It’s not a long time.

OP posts:
Knewyouwerewaiting · 23/05/2019 08:45

So there are two years to go op? Someone earlier in the thread said seven years.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 23/05/2019 08:47

?? No idea who said 7? It’s not 7 years.

OP posts:
maddening · 23/05/2019 08:54

So how much of the £500 is spousal payment?

Knewyouwerewaiting · 23/05/2019 08:56

Tbf you say in your op that the spousal will continue until way after the children are adults.

Knewyouwerewaiting · 23/05/2019 08:56

You say the twins are late teens and the spousal will go on for many years after the child maintenance stops.

Do you have all the facts about this?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 23/05/2019 09:05

Yes I’m fully aware of all of the details. As previously stated it is one payment which includes spousal and child maintenance. The split is in line with CSA guidelines on CM.

The payment will continue after the normal CM would stop (ie end of full time education) but does have an end date.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 09:31

mini spousal maintenance is not calculated by the CMS its separate to child maintenance. She'd still get CMS if she earned 100k when they divorced, but a judge wouldn't grant her spousal maintenance from someone who earned 1/3 what she did.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/05/2019 09:32

mini I doubt she'd be entitled to more, if they took it to court she'd probably get no spousal. CMS estimate for a 30k wage, 2 kids and 1-2 overnights a week is around £350pm. So she'd be £150 a month worse off.

Drum2018 · 23/05/2019 09:45

The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries

In any case, regardless of anything in a couple of years the payments will stop. She’ll no longer be a passenger on this gravy train! No child maintenance to her, the kids will continue to be supported by us for their future needs, but it will be paid to them and the spousal will stop! It’s not a long time

Which is it? Way after the children are adults, or a couple of years/not a long time?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 23/05/2019 09:46

Read my response to the same question above.

OP posts:
gotosleepalready · 23/05/2019 09:48

😂😂😂 £150 a month gravy train.

bridgetreilly · 23/05/2019 09:54

Are you hoping to shame the ex through Mumsnet?

Aparl, I think you've got it. I literally can't see any other reason for the endless rehashing of this same subject by the OP who is clearly utterly uninterested in either hearing other views or taking any action to change her situation or her attitude to it. I think she knows the ex is on MN and wants to try and get us all to say what an awful person she is being, in the hope that the ex will stop claiming whatever pittance she's been awarded as spousal maintenance.

Frankly, £500pcm for two teenage children and a spouse is pretty minimal. I would not be at all surprised if a court review ordered the husband to start paying more. Obviously, they could not and would not order OP to pay anything at all BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS.