To not want to pay for his kids

[ilovemycatmorethanyou]

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

You still won’t answer why YOU personally are paying? Tell your husband to pay if you don’t like it, or what else does he do with his money as he’s mortgage-free and the NRP.

And what does and doesn’t get paid for out of this £500?

I contribute when the children are with us. We have a joint bills and food account and split all costs when they are with us 50/50? What more explanation do you need?

I don’t know what she spends her money on? Why would I?

Because otherwise you can’t really justify saying that she gets too much. It was agreed upon by them, and I cannot see how ‘she’ is living the high life and you’re being so put upon. In an ideal world I’m sorry but he’d be paying more because, as I keep saying, it doesn’t cost £250 per child per month for absolutely everything. I am very much of the belief that they are capable of taking up every bit of £500 each which would mean that they’re both contributing equally to them.

You’re making it sound like how do you know and why should you, yet you’re determined that she’s lazy and greedy and you’re certain of that. If you don’t know how much those children have cost to raise, then you can’t be sure that she’s taking the piss.

Tell your DH if you don’t want to pay for their food. It’s still doesn’t mean that she’s getting too much, because there’s still money to be spent over and above that.

What did your husband do with them/for them before he moved in with you? Did he have them regularly since the split or is them coming over a relatively new thing?

”We have a joint bills and food account and split all costs when they are with us 50/50? What more explanation do you need?”

But you said “I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.”

How are you giving his ex your hard-earned cash if all you’re doing is paying half the food bill when the kids are with you? And if you don’t want to pay half their food bill, don’t!

Erm, no issues love, or are you now going to second guess my life for me too and tell me how to live it?

as I keep saying, it doesn’t cost £250 per child per month for absolutely everything

Oh my goodness @theWarOnPeace what the heck is wrong with you? They have the twins 50% of the time which means that £500 (+her contribution) is only supposed to pay for them for 50% of the time. What world do you live in where teens cost 1k per month each??

And no, you CHOSE to live a life where the ex has an input FOR HER KIDS. How old are you? You sound very immature.

So really what you want is for your other half to kick in more for household bills. Just ask him? Or have separate food cupboards?

Or maybe this relationship just isn’t working - you resent his children and are clearly very unhappy with the financial contribution your partner is making to your life together.

I think you need to decide if your can accept things as they are, if you can’t see if you can change them, if not leave.

His children will always be around - even when they hit 18 there will be driving lessons, university, weddings, first homes, grandchildren. He sound like a good dad - he will help out, even of you are seething in the background.

How much of the payment is spousal maintenance?

I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids
They ARE his kids too op. He should pay for his kids until they finish education - my eldest 2 cost me way more than the younger ones. But - I agree the spousal maintenance would piss me off no end - he is on a low salary, how come it’s so much? If he weren’t living rent free in your inherited home then surely he couldn’t pay that much?
Can you get it changed?

This is horrible.

OP, you CHOSE this life when you married a man with children!

After 15 pages the OP still won’t say how much is spousal. Just wants to be bitter about how ex wife chooses to live her life and bitter towards the thought or reality of having to ‘pay’ (no evidence that she does yet) towards her step kids.

op, the people who are telling you he should spend every spare penny on his kids and ex wife, are the ex wives. The ones who have had bad splits, who are bitter about it, honestly. It always happens on threads like this.

Who is saying he should spend every spare penny on his ex wife and kids? Some people are saying he should contribute, I don't see anyone saying it should be everything he can spare.

I have said the OP sounds bitter. I've never been married so I'm not an ex wife. I am currently dating someone who is the RP. I have to accept that in dating him, his finances are affected by having a child. If our relationship becomes serious and I move in with him or marry him that will at least indirectly affect me because he will have less money than he would have had had he been childfree. I can either accept that or choose not to throw my lot in with him. And it may be that I personally end up paying for things his ex wife might have done but can't afford to because she works very little.

The OP knew the situation when she went into this. It's a risk you take when dating a parent. Sure you don't necessarily want to end up paying for things because of another adult's life choices but that's always going to be a possibility if you become involved with a parent.

Ah there’s a drip feed.

You do not need to contribute to his children.
He does!

It’s not his ex wife’s problem/ fault that you can’t manage this.

Why have you posted this thread yet-a-fucking gain? What in God's name are you getting out of all these repeat moans? Are you trying to hoping to shame the ex through Mumsnet?

Oh my goodness @theWarOnPeace what the heck is wrong with you?

What’s wrong with me is:
We don’t know what it costs or how exactly how many days/nights whatever the OP has the children over. We don’t know how long this has gone on for. We don’t know if the DH has recently had financial difficulty or what the ex did or didn’t give up. The OP hasn’t specified anything at all and freely admits she has no idea how much their mum spends on them. I’m trying to say is that my kids cost that amount, and so do lots of other people’s. Whether yours do or don’t or even the OP’s step-kids do or don’t we don’t know. Ultimately they came to an agreement that I believe is fair, and we don’t know any of the whole story. All we know is that OP despises the ex wife, isn’t mad about the kids, and can’t seem to approach her DH and say “this is what I’m not willing to do”. I still maintain that £500 a month is not keeping the ex in the lap of luxury.

I understand the resentment you feel.
However, 500 per month for 2 kids covers the cost of rent and feeding them. If he was living at home with the ex then it's likely he would be contributing more than that.

So what if the ex works part time? Someone needs to be home when the kids get home to provide them with homework support, discipline and dinner.

So many teenagers go awry when their parents are working late and can't support them.

Ex is doing right by her kids. The fact that you don't give a damn about making sure there is a decent roof over the twins' head is quite disturbing

Spousal support can’t be that much because child support would probably be at least £400.

I don’t think £100 a month is enough for the OP to be this angry.

He has 50% parental responsibility so he should pay for the kids when they are with him and the ex should pay for her kids when they are with her. Your partner and the ex should then pay 50% each for uniforms etc. Just because his marriage didn't work out with the ex does not mean he should be financially responsible for her. She needs to pay her own way and stop relying on her ex partner. The ex needs to get a job and support herself and her kids 50%. Fair is fair!

Single mothers can work full time and raise two teenagers perfectly fine. Plenty are doing so!

If the ex wife was asking for more money I could understand the OP and her expectation that the ex wife should change her choice to work part-time for whatever reason. But the ex wife is simply living her chosen life with an agreed, court ordered amount. No one has an issue with this except the OP who wants to foist her work ethic and beliefs on the ex wife because she feels it’s unjust.

I strongly disagree with paying for their mother to stay at home.

Why did you get involved with this man if it eats you up so much you have to start multiple threads about it?

Again OP - how much of the maintenance is SM? It has to be under £100. You are this miserable about it? It doesn't make sense. If DH didn't pay SM but was paying only CM, and XW was still working part time (not actually staying at home all the time as you claim) I reckon you would still be whinging.

Because, that isn't really the issue is it? You said I don't want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids So you don't want him paying CM either.

Why would it stop when they’re sixteen as a pp says. I pay for my stepdaughter. I’m (mostly) happy to do it. The mostly bit comes with the fact her six figure earning mother doesn’t. But she’s a part of my life and my family. My parents give her the same as their other grandchildren. They aren’t rich and she wasn’t in their lives until she was 14. Life can’t be conducted like a balance sheet. I didn’t see your first post or what paying for them looks like. But if you have a happy marriage with someone you love then embrace the life experiences he brings and the lives that come with it I’m childless and staring down the barrel of paying for university for a child that isn’t mine for the next four years. In my less attractive moods that grates. I’m no saint. But if her dad died tomorrow I’d still do it even though we aren’t married. Because she is a child and deserves support. Just like his children do OP

OP, despite your constant whining, you are NOT paying for your DH's childrens' mother to stay at home at all. In fact, you are NOT paying for his kids. Your thread title is misleading.

You contribute when they are at your place. Big deal. If you don't want to, don't. These threads are just a forum for you to moan about things that really aren't worth your angst. Unless, of course, you are personally paying money to his ex for his childrens benefit. Are you?

As so many have tried to explain to you, the court would have taken everything into consideration when signing off on the final support amounts. They would have been privvy to his financial info and all other relevant details. Sure, go back and try and change it but, as he's likely in an even better position now, rent free and all, he might just find that if spousal is amended it will be made up for in child maintenance.

Find a new focus OP. You're finding issues where there seems to be none and that's just not heatlhy