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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
Eliza9919 · 22/05/2019 14:26

Sorry, 1000pm, my keyboard is american and doesn't have a pound sign.

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 14:27

“Please don't feel sad for people who have a choice and exercise it.”’

What like the OP & DH? His choice to sign court order, hers to marry him

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 14:29

mini I don't feel sad for OP in a derogatory way like other posters feel towards me. Don't pretend you don't know what I mean by that.

HerondaleDucks · 22/05/2019 14:32

I can see your point. But the only choice is choosing a partner who has children.
After that I don't understand where you feel it becomes a choice?
If that's the case then, I am wrong to criticise I just choose to be more responsible for my step children than their mother does.

I still feel the OP is complaining about something she has no choice in. Its up to her dh to resolve her resentments here.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 14:36

herondale that's not true at all, by choosing a partner with children you do not automatically choose to financially support those children for the rest of your life or theirs.

Why isn't it a choice is what you should be asking. Why do you feel obligated to finance children that are not yours? Of course, if you want to do that (and i do!) that's absolutely fine, but why do you specifically feel obligated and that its not a personal choice?

Its funny because you say that OP should be financially supporting the children, but then immediately after you say that this is something she has no choice in. So should she be involved or shouldn't she? You cant have it both ways.

Step parents seem to only become involved when something needs paying for, or childcare is needed. Other than that its nothing to do with them and none of their business.

Ohkayyy · 22/05/2019 14:37

Perhaps it is different for resident step parents and non resident step parents, I don't know.

I think a lot of non resident step parents are expected to keep out, back off, not get involved etc... So I can understand why being told that the step children are now your financial responsibility is a bit Hmm

I don't mind spending money on H's children. I don't work out what my third of all the bills are and pay that, I pay half because it's our home and I am happy with that.

But if I do contribute to anything additional that the kids want or need i.e. presents, days out, clothes etc... H appreciates that it isn't my responsibility to do so, he's grateful and he never expects it.

I think expecting step parents to take financial responsibility is wrong. I'm not saying step parents shouldn't help at all, and I do often, but expecting it doesn't sit right with me.

Ohkayyy · 22/05/2019 14:45

To be fair Herondale, I can see why your situation would make it more difficult to 'draw lines' as you say.

When the children are living with you and their other parent is quite absent (as appears to be your situation?) I can see how you'd naturally take on more responsibility for the children, financial and otherwise.

It's different if they have two parents who are very active in their lives, they don't live full time with you and you are expected to have no parental role at all.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 22/05/2019 14:51

Step parents seem to only become involved when something needs paying for, or childcare is needed. Other than that its nothing to do with them and none of their business

Genuinely I find this to be the case when stepparents put a barrier up between them and their stepchildren. If you don't make the effort with them, you don't get the bond and relationship. Or that's how it seems to me reading a lot of the stepparent posts on here.

My XH is an arse, DS1 has had god knows how many "stepmums" but actually, since XH met his now wife, things have got better. I'm thankful for her and the effort she puts in with DS1. That said, I've never had maintenance and don't ask them for money.

HerondaleDucks · 22/05/2019 14:53

Yeah I very much disagree with step parents being told to keep out and be alienated in their own homes.
I can see how my views would conflict with a situation where you are treated like that.

I have a big parental role in my step children's lives as you can imagine.

Ok I'm back tracking now, I can see why those lines would be drawn if you have a difficult relationship with the children and their other parent.

However I think the OP is in a different position to that, I was referring to it not being a choice as it is a pre existing arrangement. She seems to resent that payment which I see as being a financial responsibility as its coming from a joint household.

funinthesun19 · 22/05/2019 14:54

If that's the case then, I am wrong to criticise I just choose to be more responsible for my step children than their mother does.

Ah see there is the difference. I was trying think of how I could word it correctly and you’ve done it for me.
My dsc’s mum chooses to responsible for them, so I don’t feel the need to be. Why should I be if she already is? They don’t need two mums paying for them. They really really don’t.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 14:55

Genuinely I find this to be the case when stepparents put a barrier up between them and their stepchildren. If you don't make the effort with them, you don't get the bond and relationship. Or that's how it seems to me reading a lot of the stepparent posts on here

Genuinely I think you're talking shite. Ok, this may be the case for some step parents, but some like me have genuinely made loads of effort over the years. DSS has lived with us. I have been the primary contact for his school, I have taken him to doctors appointments, helped him chose his GCSE options. His mother still tells me that his life has fuck all to do with me. That I don't get to make decisions about him. That I need to "keep out of it" although she does think I should pay her maintenance because he now lives with her again and we have 2 wages.

Its got nothing to do with trying in a lot of cases, unfortunately.

We have always paid maintenance, and extras and god knows whatever else, we took DSS on holiday last year and paid for everything (obviously) - his mum didn't give him a single penny in spending money or anything. But she did ask for his passport as soon as we got back because "hes my son not yours"

do you see what im saying? its not a lack of trying on my part.

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 15:43

I’m confused, has OP name changed to PlantPotParrot?

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 15:49

mini no?

sorry am I not allowed to comment or?

ScottishDoll · 22/05/2019 16:20

This reply has been deleted

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hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 16:26

I sound remarkably like op because I have a similar opinion and sympathise with her situation? report me if you really think that's true.

Marriage doesn't mean you become financially responsible for each other children.

ScottishDoll · 22/05/2019 16:39

Each married partner has a legal duty to support the other and presumably OP married her husband in the knowledge that he had a pre-existing agreement in place to his first wife which would be part of the deal. If that was an issue they could have just lived together without the marriage certificate and left options open!

It's not rocket science is it?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 17:00

@plantpotparrot and I are entirely individual, but share many of the same views. There are more than two people in the world with this view, it does not make us the same person, how utterly ridiculous!!

She actually puts it better than I do! I get annoyed and irritated by those who think I have no choices but should financially support my step children. I chose to be in a relationship with their father several years after he split amicably and mutually from their mother. That does not make me a monster without choices or a valid viewpoint.

I earn my own money and I agree to contribute to the children’s costs when they are with us. I strongly disagree with paying for their mother to stay at home.

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 22/05/2019 17:01

Genuinely I think you're talking shite

Funny that, since you've been doing exactly that since the thread began.

Call it what you want, you have absented yourself from responsibility for a kid who was there before you. Your issue with his mother is just that, but for some reason it leeches into the way you speak about him.

So aye, I do think it happens when stepparents have the attitude of "not my kid, not my problem". Fucking disgusting way to behave and the parents who allow it are just as bad. No wonder kids end up with their heads wrecked.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 17:20

Step parents are individuals with a right to a viewpoint just as strong as any biological parent if the child lives under their roof!

Kids heads are not wrecked by good step parents but can be by bitter mums who can’t move on!

OP posts:
Miniloso · 22/05/2019 17:39

I don’t understand why you think you are paying for the mother to stay at home. Your DH pays out if his salary as per the court order. Has he asked you to subsidise him? Do you pay the £150 per month for her or whatever it is?

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 17:42

And believe me, the spousal amount after the CSA amount will not be giving her enough to ‘stay at home’ !!! Why do you think this? What she does with her life or with the court ordered and agreed sum is absolutely nothing to do with you! Why are you so invested in her? The resentment for an agreed lawfully given sun, probably £50 a week is ridiculous and makes you seem very bitter.

Miniloso · 22/05/2019 17:44

I feel bloody sorry for the ex wife having you gnawing away about her and obsessed with how she has chosen to live her life!! Get over it and get on with your own life!

bethy15 · 22/05/2019 18:05

but can be by bitter mums who can’t move on!

To be blunt, it sounds like you are the one who cannot move past her.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 18:14

Funny that, since you've been doing exactly that since the thread began

No i havent at all.

Call it what you want, you have absented yourself from responsibility for a kid who was there before you. Your issue with his mother is just that, but for some reason it leeches into the way you speak about him oh have i? So he lived with us for 2 years. I contributed to everything, took him places, was 1st contact for school etc. Thats absenting myself is it? If so id like to know what being present entails. Now he doesn live with us he still comes 3 x a week, i still cook for him, buy for him, supply clothes etc. I still take him on holiday every year. What else should i be doing or funding prey tell?

So aye, I do think it happens when stepparents have the attitude of "not my kid, not my problem". Fucking disgusting way to behave and the parents who allow it are just as bad. No wonder kids end up with their heads wrecked

Again not the attitude ive got so please point out where i have said that. Ive said its not an obligation to fund your step children because it isnt. Ive also repeatedly said that i do it because i want to. Please give me some examples of how awful i am?

Youre incredibly ignorant arent you?

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 22/05/2019 18:17

@Miniloso just now much are you projecting your own issues here? I am in no way obsessed with her. I have to live a life where she has an input, I’m allowed an opinion on that.

OP posts: