To not want to pay for his kids

[ilovemycatmorethanyou]

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

Child mtnce is paid until kids stop full time education. My solicitor tried to get my ex to agree to help fund their university costs but my ex refused to sign the paperwork so I took that section out and he pays until they leave A levels. All comes down to what is written in the divorce papers.

It's impossible to isolate the cost of stepkids completely from the household finances.

In an ideal world, parents should cover the full cost of their own DC, but a step-parent, particularly one earning more than the bio parent, will inevitably have some cost to bear that comes with living under the same roof (even part-time).

They are however not the step-parent's financial responsibility.

It's £500 per month for two kids. You are hung up on the word spousal maintenance. How much do you want him to pay per month for these two kids? According to you, how much should be paid for them.

I'm sorry, but when you marry someone with children, they are your children and your responsibility
no, they're not your children, or your responsibility. They're your husbands children. Your Step children.

As I said earlier, if their mother were to die (god forbid) the OP would have full time responsibility of those two children. She and her husband would be 100% the full time parents and all financial responsibility would be on them. That's what you contend with when dating someone with kids, and if you're not willing to accept that, you don't date them

Yes, of course, and I think every step parent knows that's a possibility. Financial responsibility would be on her husband, though. or they would need to sort out a system which they were both happy with. I don't think OP has ever said she is unwilling for her husband to support his children, has she?

Well if it will cost them more money to go to court than they can afford, they just have to live with his initial decision. We still don’t know how much it is btw, but say it’s £100 a month - over the next 3 years (still no info from OP in ages) that’s £3,600. So get a quote from a lawyer on legal and court costs and weigh it up. Will it be worth the stress, the conflict? After legal costs how much per week better off might the OP & DH be? £10? £20? I’d rather accept what’s done is done!

OP you have no rent or mortgage payments to make. Must be rolling in it if you both earn £30k. (I’m only saying what your friends and his friends must be saying). See how it feels - not nice. So back off slagging the ex wife off,

I’m only saying what your friends and his friends must be saying

what? if your friends bitch about you like that behind your back, you need new friends.

I have no idea about my friends financial situations or what any of them may or not pay in maintenance. what a weird statement to make

When you marry someone with children, they become your responsibility financially. That is just a fact of the matter.

The only time I can think of when a partner would be more inclined to pay more towards child related costs, is if the parent moves them in and their child tax credits go down. This is why there is a HUGE difference between the partner of an RP and the partner of an NRP.

The nrp’s partner shouldn’t have to pay anything imo, because there is nothing to “make up” financially. Sure, the nrp may lose some benefits themselves eg a bit of housing benefit, but those aren’t directly child related. I would hope the partner will be paying towards stuff like rent anyway.
But anything child related it remains the nrp’s responsibility 100%. And don’t get me started on maintenance. It’s definitely not the nrp’s partner’s responsibility to pay that and it would be a cold day in hell before I went to work to pay for another woman’s household just because she shagged my stbx a few years prior 🙈.

no, they're not your children, or your responsibility. They're your husbands children. Your Step children.

Step children are still your children. They become your family and are children within your family.

Yes, of course, and I think every step parent knows that's a possibility. Financial responsibility would be on her husband, though. or they would need to sort out a system which they were both happy with. I don't think OP has ever said she is unwilling for her husband to support his children, has she?

No, financial responsibility wouldn't be on the husband, it would be on both. If they were living with them 100% of the time, you can't separate everything and leave it to him to pay everything for the kids.

Lord alone knows why people who feel like this ever marry or go out with someone who has children.

Once you marry him, they are your children too.

he needs to stop paying, simple as that. You shouldn't be paying anything. Your dh should be paying for his kids, but if he is stupid enough to pay her, he's your problem, not the ex wife.

And don’t get me started on maintenance. It’s definitely not the nrp’s partner’s responsibility to pay that

But the OP isn't paying her maintenance. Her husband is from his wages.

But the OP isn't paying her maintenance. Her husband is from his wages.

That’s fine then isn’t it? He should also pay the rest of his child related costs too e.g. extras like trips and new shoes. Those things aren’t the op’s responsibility.

Isn't it academic arguing whether the DH or OP pays/should pay?

Even if the DH pays out of his income it lessens how much is in the DH/op pot so he is able to contribute less to their joint expenses and surely OP must have realised that?

Unless they literally split all bills and pay only their share I suppose.

try telling Dp's ex that her child is my child too ha!

So many threads on here telling step mums to butt out, its none of your business, they're not your kids, they're nothing to do with you, you're just sleeping with their dad etc etc

but as soon as money comes into it they are your children too

No, they're not. They're your step children. Absolutely part of your family.

Like I said when DSS lived with us 100% of the time, I did contribute because I wanted to, not because I had to or I was expected to.

I'm sorry, but when you marry someone with children, they are your children and your responsibility

Don't agree with this at all. They don't become 'your children'. They still have two parents.

Can you imagine if a SM came on here and said these are MY children and MY responsibility. She'd be torn to shreds and told to butt out. Except when it's about money of course.

You should treat your step children well, fairly and with kindness but they are not your children or your responsibility. They are their father's and their mother's. We are told continuously on MN not to get involved, they have two parents etc ...

The only thing I think you really do need to take into consideration as a step parent is that one day it may be possible that these children will live with you full time be it through loss of one parent or through choice. If you couldn't cope with that then it's not for you.

But no, financial responsibility for a child should never be expected of a step parent. If they wish to contribute then great, it is not an obligation though. Two people chose to have a child and two people are then responsible for said child.

Hahaha! Totally bonkers.
You cannot have a family home with all of those lines of who pays what and who doesn't.
At the end of the day if you're so rigid as a nr step parent then you have to accept that your partner will not have as much money for the family home. If you want those lines accept that truth.
However if you accept that you have chosen to be with a person with children you can accept that they are now a big part of your life and will be your responsibility whether you like it or not.
I laugh so much as this raw deal nr step parents feel they get when it comes to money but if you just accepted that your household has a financially responsibility to thses children and see it as family it doesn't breed all this resentment.

I can see where the bitterness of the step parent board comes from... its these fucking lines

PlantPotParrot you’re absolutely spot on there. Money and another one is childcare.

You cannot have a family home with all of those lines of who pays what and who doesn't

well, you can and many people do.

You do realise that people live and think differently than you?

like I said there are no hard and fast rules for step parenting, and what works for one family will not work for another, but that doesn't make it wrong, or laughable.

I don't think anyone's being bitter here to be honest.

So where does it stop then all this 'responsibility' step parents have? Is it just money?

I'm not allowed to go to my step child's birthday party because H's ex doesn't want me there but I should pay for their school trip, clothes, school shoes, contribute towards maintenance, what?

I pay half for the bills, food and living expenses when they are with us because it's our home. I might even pick them up some clothes once every now and again that I think they'd like when I go shopping. It isn't my responsibility though. I do it because I want to, not because I'm obligated to.

If you think step parents have 'responsibility' for your children then they have proper responsibility. Not just financial when it suits the other parent.

And on day trips out like the OP was talking about in her last thread, I usually do just pay half because I'm happy to do so. H wouldn't expect it though, he'd offer to pay for his children and I'd say 'no, it's fine we'll just split it'. But he'd always ask, because he's aware they are his responsibility and doesn't just expect me to pay for them with no discussion.

Maybe my circumstances make me feel differently about it.
But as a resident step parent I don't have that choice. I am the higher earner, their mother pays nothing, without me paying for the extras and the fun things and most of the household bills, my step children go without.
Any resident step parent I know feels this responsibility and we cater to it, whether that's acceptable or not.
I didn't draw lines when I accepted this.
I guess when you are like me and you're filling a gap the other parent has left it makes less sense.
I apologise if I came across rude, maybe it's not funny but sad that you all feel that way.

@ilovemycatmorethanyou
I think the person benefiting most from this arrangement is not the exwife,kids and definitely not you.
It’s your DH who has created and is benefiting most as he would have had to pay the exact same amount whether he married you or not but the fact he’s now rent/mortgage free massively improves his financial outlook.

herondale don't be so patronising. I have been the RP step parent, and I still didn't feel obligated to pay for everything. Like I said I did it because I wanted to. You do have a choice and you chose to pay for things. I assume if you ever wanted to stop, you could. I did fill the gap of DSS mum who paid a tiny amount of maintenance and tbh I still do because she is barely around, but again I don't feel obligated to do this, I do it because I want to.

Please don't feel sad for people who have a choice and exercise it.

OP reading between the lines of your opening post, it seems like you le OH is benefitting the most. I just reread and saw that the spousal runs until after kids left home, so this bugs you so much you want to not contribute anything apart from food when your step children are eating at your table. Nice. Take it out on them that your OH is living in a house rent & mortgage free and is (the poor victim) paying an amount he agreed to, to presumably marry you. Who is asking, by the way, for you to contribute to the kids trips or anything else? My bet is that it’s not the ex wife, it’s your DH.

@theWarOnPeace Tue 21-May-19 18:40:36
But why are YOU the one paying?

Also, it costs more than £500 a month to raise two kids. Hardly keeping her in the lap of luxury is it.

Surely it doesn't cost 1000k a month to raise 2 children? She's responsible for 50% of the costs too, not just him. If she didn't have kids she'd still have to pay rent/mortgage, utilities etc. I'm sure other than the size of the property, the extra utilities children take up are negligible.