Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids

542 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 21/05/2019 17:57

I started a thread about separate finances but realised that’s not the issue so my apologies but I’m starting a new one.

DH has twins to his first wife. I have no
Children. We earn very similar money, our home is paid for and was mine before we met.

He pays his wife spousal maintenance plus child maintenance despite being on a modest wage (below 30k). The spousal bit boils my blood for many reasons but essentially she held him to ransom over the divorce and be agreed so she would sign the papers. She works 12 hours a week and the maintenance allows her to do this. The kids are both late teens (twins). The spousal maintenance payments will continue until way after the children are adults unless she remarries.

I don’t want to pay for his kids, I mean I contribute to their food bills when they’re with us but I don’t want to have to pay for anything else. AIBU? I feel our life is already compromised by this spousal maintenance and I don’t feel I want to give his ex anymore of my hard earned cash via her kids.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 11:32

steff I mean 5 years since her kids went to highschool, as in they didn't need childcare any more.

fluffuff · 22/05/2019 11:41

She is contributing to their upbringing. £500 a month is reasonable for 2 kids. You've got rocks in your head. And you sound like you don't really like the kids.

somecakefather · 22/05/2019 11:54

I am not a ‘second wife’, I have no personal experience of this sort of issue but I think the OP appears nasty and spiteful towards the mother of her husband’s children

No experience of the situation but yet here you are uttering vile, nasty nonsense just for the sake of it.

adaline · 22/05/2019 11:55

she has had 5 years to get back into work. She has clearly chosen not to do that

And that has nothing to do with the level of maintenance her ex pays her! He has to pay her whether she earns £500 a month or £5,000 a month. She's obviously not rolling in money on 12 hours/week, plus £500 a month maintenance, is she?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 22/05/2019 11:58

£500 for the ex and twins?

They're not living the high life on that are they?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 22/05/2019 12:02

how does it cost more than £250 a month to bring up a 16yo?

Using DSD as my example, £60 a month travel pass, packed lunches/dinner money for college, days out, clothes and shoes, activities she enjoys, petrol to take her to see her gf and her Mum, phone contract.

Less than £250? Not in our house.

She also gets £100 a month in her bank account for spending money and contingency money.

But then, DP and I have joint finances and everything comes from the family pot.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 12:02

And you sound like you don't really like the kids

where exactly have you got that from?

the CMS must also have rocks in their head as well because its more than they recommend.

somecakefather · 22/05/2019 12:03

Oh ok OP you think that you can support a 16 year old on £250 a month. Why not try it some time, suggest they move in with you

Once again, no expectation of the mother to match this.

adaline · 22/05/2019 12:05

the CMS must also have rocks in their head as well because its more than they recommend.

The CMS amount is notoriously low, though. It's only 16% of your gross weekly income if you have two children - hardly a lot!

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/how-much-child-maintenance-should-i-pay#how-much-are-you-expected-to-pay

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 12:06

Lisbon
your step daughter is lucky to get £100 a month spending money, I don't know any 16yo who gets that tbh.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 12:07

CMS is definitely flawed, but I wouldn't say notoriously low. Not if your ex is a high earner anyway.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 22/05/2019 12:13

PlantPotParrot she's really good with her money, and I'd rather do it this way than her have to work and study. She's appreciative of what she has though, and isn't demanding or ungrateful. I think if she was we probably wouldn't do it this way. Also, it's recent since I went back to work so there was more coming in to the house.

theWarOnPeace · 22/05/2019 12:22

I spend £550 per child per month on their food and clubs. They’re not even teenagers yet! These things are easy to define for me, with a quick add-up, but I’m still not including their clothing and shoes, holidays, gas and electric, roof over their head and ferrying them about everywhere. So if you’re any good with money and know a child well, yes you can define how much they cost.

You have a DH problem, not an ex wife problem. Your frustrations are being pointed in the wrong direction.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 12:24

peace sorry but that's an insane amount of money and I'm guessing the vast majority of people do not spend nearly that on just food and clubs.

Like I said you live within your means, but personally I don't think it needs to cost even nearly that much.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 12:25

what I mean is define how much they cost, every family is going to be different isn't it - so saying the cms amount isn't enough and teenagers cost xxx a month is really not helping OP, because like you say only her, her dh and the ex wife know what they spend per month on the kids I suppose.

BlueSkiesLies · 22/05/2019 12:28

None of this is new infomatio nthough is it?

At the time of getting together, you knew what his commitments were to the ex and his children. You chose to entwine yourself fully and financially.

I would absolutely not have chosen to do this. .I wouldn't have touched a man with this kind of baggage, let alone moved them in and married them.

You have chosen this, now you need to tread carefully.

fluffuff · 22/05/2019 12:29

@PlantPotParrot

Op says this, which doesn't sound like someone who likes being their step parent. It's likely obvious to the kids that she resents them.

The kids are part of my life whether I like that or not, that’s a different thread. My gripe is not with them, however, entirely based on their lack of manners I have almost entirely withdrawn from “days out”. I am not obliged to pay for their wants.

theWarOnPeace · 22/05/2019 12:34

Yes of course it’s a bloody fortune Parrot I totally get that, my point only was really that I know the costs of them. I could calculate to the penny if I could be bothered, but food and clubs are the quickest ones to work out. Whereas OP refuses to explain what the £500 goes on or doesn’t go on, so therefore is it really such a huge amount of money - £250 a month for a teenager doesn’t sound a lot to me, and I’m quite sure the mum is spending more than that amount again, not living in luxury on the dad’s money.

Op shouldn’t be providing a home for her DH and paying for his kids on top, where is his money going? On himself? If he’s bringing in approx £2k a month and has no mortgage, just food/gas/travel, then he has £1500 left for himself for the month. Yet we’re suppsed to agree that one growing teenager costs less than £250 a month to feed and clothe and keep up with their sports or whatever it is that they do?

I’m not a second wife or anything, I just know what’s fair when I see it, and I know how costs for kids can spiral. I can also see that the OP is in battle-mode and refusing to answer questions that would maybe even back up her argument, or help with advice. Op you have a DH problem. That’s the crux of it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 12:35

fluff ok, even if op hates them, it doesn't make it right that she pays for them, or that her DH pays their mum spousal maintenance.

TBH being a step parent is really hard and often thankless.

somecakefather · 22/05/2019 12:42

I spend £550 per child per month on their food and clubs

I wouldn't think that's the norm though. I don't spend anywhere near that for each child.

somecakefather · 22/05/2019 12:44

Yet we’re suppsed to agree that one growing teenager costs less than £250 a month to feed and clothe and keep up with their sports or whatever it is that they do?

I'll say it yet again. Why do you not expect the mother to match this?

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/05/2019 12:46

I don't know what the DH spends - that isn't my point.

My point is that not all teens cost £250 per month.

Costs for kids can spiral if you don't control them, most normal people have a budget and stick to it, and live within their means.

I think she's refusing to answer questions because she knows whatever she says she will be jumped on because SM's always are no matter what the situation. I would be defensive too tbh.

theWarOnPeace · 22/05/2019 12:47

cake ok then what do you spend? What does the mum of the teenage twins that are the subject of his thread spend? We don’t know and OP won’t elaborate or give any kind of break down of spending, or for her DH either, so we just don’t know. I’m putting my own figure out there because where we live, this is not that shocking an amount. Music and sports are costing us a fortune but they love it and are doing really well, so we keep it up. If the DH’s Dts are doing similar, why should he pay less than what they cost to look after? Why should he have more than £1500 to play with at the end of every month because his current wife covers the current home, and the previous wife covers the previous kids. What is expected of this DH here - that’s what I don’t get. Like what does the OP want or actually expect, and what do those kids do month to month and how much is it all? OP just sounds unhappy with her lot and looking to demonise the ex wife instead of taking a cold hard look at her DH and having itnout with him!

bethy15 · 22/05/2019 12:50

*fluff ok, even if op hates them, it doesn't make it right that she pays for them, or that her DH pays their mum spousal maintenance.

TBH being a step parent is really hard and often thankless.*

How is it wrong that this man has to pay spousal maintenance?

I'm sorry, you have no idea of what their relationship was, what she gave up for him, or the children, or in the divorce. You don't know what contribution the ex had to his life or what she left him with after the divorce. If she was entitled to his pensions but left them, how can you say she has no right to spousal maintenance?

It's ridiculous. Clearly she needed something, her ex and the judge felt this was fair, but you seem to believe you know more having read the OP complain about it!

theWarOnPeace · 22/05/2019 12:50

cake I do believe the mother does match that £250 per kid. I absolutely do. She’s the resident parent, and they’re teenagers. I believe she will be matching it. Holidays/uniforms/roof over head/school trips etc etc etc ad Infinitum. I can’t belive anyone thinks the ex has change left over front that £500 and also why can’t OP deal with her own husband??