Would you wreck someone’s wedding if they wrecked yours?

[Butterfliestastewiththeirfeet]

I know I’m BU but it’s a thought that’s crossed my mind.

I’ve NC and not going in to finer detail because it’s outing.

So yeah PIL and Bil did a great job of turning our wedding in to something awful. I feel it was done on purpose because of something that was said to a close friend of mine before the day off Bil.

I’ll never forget BILs smirk as he was leaving. Dh was dealing with something else. His new girlfriend at the time was also incredibly rude to DH a while later. Dh didn’t tell me at the time because he knew how upset I was still over the wedding.

I was so upset after the wedding. I couldn’t talk about it for a few weeks with out crying and for about four/five months after I was incredibly low. It was an expensive wedding, looked forward to it for years and I couldn’t get past that i felt they had done it out of spite. I’m NC with Bil and his girlfriend. Very low contact with PIL

Dh is in low contact with bil and his girlfriend.

I’ve honestly put up with some much shit of this family. For years I kept quiet not to rock the boat bit this was the last straw.

Any way BIL girlfriend is about to become his fiancé. I know for a fact he has already cheated on her. That’s what he does. He has always been like that.

I’m having thoughts that I’m going to send an engagement present and ‘build bridges’ just so i can go to the wedding and wreck it for them.

The thought gives me so much pleasure.

I know I’m acting like a complete psycho.

I would have to fight very, very hard not to send a congratulations card signed by [made up woman's name] with a message like a PP suggested - all "give me a call when you want to restart the affair".

I'd think about it but I wouldn't do it, of course. Probably. Almost certainly.

I don't really understand about the photographer either, why would they take instruction from a guest and not tell you or your husband they were leaving?

Were the derogatory comments during the speeches maybe supposed to be funny? What did they actually say?

And the person crying were they maybe emotional about the wedding?

Yes, this.^ I think I'd be blaming the photographer for the first one at least -- surely no professional would be OK with being told his/her services were no longer needed on the actual day, before a single photo had been taken, by a random wedding guest? Wouldn't someone with half a brain at least check with one of the people getting married?

You could send a telegram on their wedding day. You know, that the best man reads out. "Congratulations to you both. Lots of love and, GroomsName, I'll see you very soon, from NameOfWomanHeShagged"

My former SIL did everything she could to wreck my wedding day. Just the highlights: we had the equivalent of a registry office wedding and then invited some friends for lunch at a restaurant. As she lived in the location she had (unbeknownst to us) booked a restaurant (run by friends of hers), and planned to use the lunch as an opportunity to pass out "favours" to promote her own new business. I went along with all this to keep the peace, but snapped when she criticized my dress. She went mad and on the morning of the wedding, her DP announced they wouldn't be coming (he was going to take photos) "in case anyone makes trouble". i spent the morning in our hired car crying or on the pay phone trying find out if SIL had cancelled the restaurant. I had to ask someone else to take photos (which he never gave me). the restaurant manager was barely civil to us. Sil and her DP had ordered us a lovely cake, but apparently asking for a knife to cut it made my friends "tacky and rude". the next day she attacked both of us again and accused me of trapping him into marriage (I was 8 months pregnant), and threatened not to allow her DP to continue their joint business.

And yes, I felt like crap for months and years afterwards whenever I thought about it. I was afraid DH's entire family had been turned against me (they hadn't, they agreed SIL was nuts). Gaslighting DH (now ex) then remembered the whole incident completely differently and blamed me for it all.

But when she got married it never occurred to me to take revenge (too far away for one thing). I was pleased not to be invited. Since then I've seen her a few times and acted as though it never happened. I simply stopped giving a shit and can even laugh about it. Taking the high road feels good! She apologized to me years after in a very indirect way, and while she's still an unstable bitch (same temper as ex-DH), I think she realized how awful she was to me. She blamed it on "work problems" (self-created as she was horrible to her colleagues), but maybe some of it was jealousy as she couldn't have children.

Sorry for derailing, but you know, times passes, people change or you don't see them, and at some point you won't care. Just avoid them.

The best revenge is a life lived well.

Take heart that you found the best one out of the family and married hm.

Your future sil has a life of pain and weeping ahead of her. Let her have her wedding day she will regret it later.

Another one not understanding the photographer...

Best man spoiled my wedding for me.
Nothing too bad, but lots of passive aggressive stuff, telling everyone who would listen how he didn't like the food and telling horrible untruths to a few people.
DH and I haven't spoken to him for 20 years now.

Yanbu to think about doing it lol, however doing it will just offer a temporary satisfaction. Justified or not, people will look at what you've done (if obvious) and it'll reflect on you. Your wedding was still tainted, sorry that happened
Have a nice vowel-renewal and don't invite them?

Op I know a thing or two about revenge from my younger years and an awful awful boyfriend. You feel absolutely glorious for a few hours, and then I at least worried what would come back! So my advice, be prepared that this will start a never ending escalating war - I had a good excuse at 16! And couldn’t even admit to you what I did, but anger knows no bounds on a woman scorned for sure.

The very best thing for you to do in this instance is to totally ignore it all, and then plan the most beautiful vowel renewal complete with your most loved people ( and no one role) book the best photographer money can buy and fix this injustice. You will have the best time, and indeed many photos. No one ever really looks at wedging photos, not sure why we ever pay so much for them!
Or go and do it on a beautiful beach somewhere. Put these things right and they won’t hurt as much/anymore.

Op, they sound horrible. It's at times like this that you need Lisbeth Salander, or someone with her particular set of skills. Imagine what chaos she could bring down on them for you: cancelling the wedding venue, altering the wedding meal to something vile, like tripe and onions; altering the honeymoon destination to North Korea, changing the wedding flowers to funeral weaths - oh the list is endless, and all from an untraceable email address. But just get your laughs in your imagination, stay away from the real crazies - your inlaws.

My auntie had a partner of almost 20 years, they were both in their late 40s when they split up.
She found out that he’d been seeing a woman (family friend daughter) in her late 20s, who they used to go on holiday together with, go for meals, generally someone she had seen as a friend.

His birthday came up, and she put an ad in the local papers birthday section, with his picture, saying “happy birthday name just remember you’re only as young as the women you feel”. He wasn’t amused but it looked like a typo, she then moved on!

I like the card idea too. Sod um.

Could you do something like hire wedding things - dress- and get some studio photos done? Or do some kind of renewal of vows - perhaps in some nice location?

I don't understand why the photographer left without checking - but perhaps trying something above could draw a line under it all for you?

I was warned by family who had big weddings – that you can end up running around everyone else and not enjoying the day. I had wanted to get married abroad but my family were awkward with travel and IL made it clear they’d be around for honeymoon. So had small registry wedding – people were difficult some behaved badly but not to this level so in end I was glad we didn’t spend a fortune.

The two faced but they can't anything about it without looking silly option : send a wedding card with a shit tonne of glitter.

The pass agg option: send a wedding card with a double edged message alluding to monogamy & fidelity - and wish them luck.

The nuclear option: catfish the groom, get the evidence you need to fuck him over, send it to his Mrs. Or send it to him & tell him he come clean or risk a scene.

Personally I'd go glitter & then just leave it.

Tbh, it sounds like they'll all ruin it for themselves.

Send her a card saying you really admire her for forgiving him for all his cheating, what a loving person she must be!

I have to admit I was a bit flakey and forgetful ( but very mild compared to what BIL and his lot did at yours) at someone else's wedding many years ago.

The bride had had 10 years to stew(!) and tried her best to muck things up at my wedding as revenge.

I've forgiven her for being a bitch but I don't think she has forgiven me despite becoming a born-again Christian in the meantime (yea right!!)

Your gripe seems to be more with BiL than his GF. If you were going to do anything in revenge then do something to put a damper on his stag do. Alternatively, an anonymous announcement in the paper, congratulating (BiL's name) on finally adopting monogamy by marrying his GF. Or, announce your pregnancy on the day of their wedding to steal their thunder, then a few weeks later say "oops, false alarm".

BTW, if you do ever start a family, make sure PiL and BiL never get to see the DC. They lost that right when they started this war.

I would suggest that the reason you are finding this so hard to get over and still feel vengeful is because your husband still maintains a relationship with these people

If a member of my family actually shouted out nasty things about DH at our wedding then I'd never see them again. What's his explanation for that not being a deal-breaker?

The sunglasses and crying is histrionic and ridiculous and deserving of the biggest eye-roll going, but not totally unforgivable.

Sending the photographer home - why?

A wedding card saying we hope you enjoy spending the enclosed - enclose nothing but if asked swear otherwise - 'we definitely enclosed a very expensive voucher'... Also a note in the card saying how much you a looking forward to their special day and that you hope that it will be every bit as wonderful as yours.

I cannot understand a photographer leaving a venue without specified instructions from the bride and groom. Surely, a contract was signed between parties. If you are to be upset with anyone, I would think it would it would he/she.

Do not let these horrid people hold you hostage, Op. Do not allow yourself to be a pawn in their odd power play.

That sounds awful.

Was it totally unexpected behaviour from them?

If not, I'm tempted to ask why they were invited?

Cut them all out-& encourage/help your husband to!

Anyone else staggered that a grudge has been held for 15 … fifteen years ??

I feel like I’ve been in dignified silence about a lot of stuff for the past fifteen years.

Fifteen years !

Yeah me actually. I thought it was just me.

You could do what they do on soaps just as the vicar or registrar says does anyone know of any cause etc crash into the wedding and say i wouldnt marry him love hes been cheating on you all over the place then just walk out, seriously though they wrecked your day it was one day and you have had the good marriage since its gone let it go you cant bring that one day back and the fallout with the rest of the family wouldnt be worth it

Depending how much money you want to throw at the issue, hire a private detective to get photos of the blokes infidelity and post it to the bride. That's not being nasty to her, I'm sure she'd rather know before the wedding!