To want to throw DS 18 out to give him a shock

[Comeonsun]

DS 18 has everything going for him so why is he so rude and nasty? He has a great apprenticeship- still in college for the first year and seems to be enjoying it (is sullen and won’t speak most of the time so I don’t know the real ins and out of it). He earns over 1k a month, drives a beautiful car (he pays for it) but we paid for lessons and first year insurance. He pays us £50 a month ‘rent’. That’s too much apparently- he’s disgusted that as he’s in ‘full time education’ we are taking something towards his food / elec/ gas etc.

He has a double room, huge widescreen telly (Xmas present from us) Xbox etc. Access to fridge, food, all washing done, room cleaned, ironing etc.

He so bloody rude though! Condescending attitude, would rather grunt than talk and is breathtakingly cutting and basically vile. Only ever happy if he’s having something new from us and even then the happiness lasts 5 minutes before he’s back to being a pig.

His room needs a new window and desperately needs decorating and new carpet. I’ve just passed him on the landing and said we plan to give him a few weeks notice of upheaval (we’ll need to empty his room for a few days so it will mean needing help to move furniture etc.

He’s point blank refused to have the work done and just ordered me out of his room! He says I’m wasting my money as he doesn’t want it redecorated. It’s my bloody house and it needs doing! Why should I let a room go to wrack and ruin just because he says so?

I’ve explained that if he was renting somewhere a landlord can come in and do works and that when he owns his own place he can decide if something needs doing or not.

He’s told me not to waste my breath as he’s not listening - I’ve never been so close to slapping him to be honest. I feel like chucking the cheeky, insolent sod out .

He’s upstairs now shouting away playing on the Xbox, tell me if I’m being unreasonable as I’m about to throw the swine out.

I really think you need to get him doing stuff around the house.

My DP was a lot like your son when we moved in together (without the attitude). He didn't even know how to change a lightbulb. He cooked his first boiled egg at the age of 26(and he was so proud of himself however it made me feel so sad for him) and he didn't have a clue about anything. His Mum did everything and thinks it's my job to do everything for him and she's very proud of it.

It's taken me years to help him. Somethings I thought were so simple he didn't have a clue about and it was really quite sad.

He needs to help out, maybe then he might have a bit more respect but not only that, you'll be preparing him for the adult world.

My DD went through the same similar bratty stage at the same age when I started charging her digs. It is a tough transitional stage.

One of the things that made a difference was sitting her down with a list of monthly bills so she could see how much life cost, also linking to Gumtree where she could see that rooms in our area were around £100pw and she realised I wasn't taking her for a ride after all.

Still some issues, some are down to having a friend whose parents utterly baby her. This girl works full time, lives rent free, has parents pay phone contract and take her on holiday. We went out with the friend and her mum for a meal and she threw a bit of a strop when friends mum paid for friends food but I didn't do the same for her. She just needs to understand that is life.

My sister on the other hand had to ask my niece to move out because of her shocking behaviour and they now have a better relationship for it.

He needs to understand he is in a far better position financially to the average student, and probably to a lot of people his age working full time minimum wage. £950 a month disposable income is a huge amount.

@Mycatwontstopstaring

Great post 👏

Someone upthread suggested telling him you will stop charging him anything however in return you will stop doing anything for him and he will be respectful in your home. That includes not shouting at the x box. List the things he will then have to do. Ie cleaning his own room, washing, walking the dog on x days, cooking a meal once a week etc.

Up til now you haven’t been charging him for the room, just a small contribution toward basics. However if he doesn’t comply, you will be charging him £50 a week instead of a month and he is welcome to find a room elsewhere if he doesn’t like it.

However whatever happens his attitude will be changing otherwise he will be asked to move out. Right now he has a sweet deal and he’s abusing it.

I was not taught so many things as a child by my mother. I agree with WhenIsnapped. She thought she was doing me a massive favour as I’d be doing all my life. But she wasn’t. I went off to university not knowing how to cook, clean or use a washing machine. Someone else taught me to iron. She and my father also let me have a dire education. They should hang their heads in shame about the whole thing. When I realised just how bad things were, I felt incredibly embarrassed and spent my whole life covering up for the massive gaps in my knowledge.

The legacy for you taking the easy option of just doing everything for your children is that your son will be expecting others and most likely his life partner to do things for him. He’s not going to have an easy ride on that score these days. Is this what you actually want to happen?

The rudeness is not nice and isn't on but why are you so obsessed with decorating his room? It's his room and even if relations improve he will be gone in the next few years.

I agree about the holiday, it doesn't sound like the best time to be home alone with such a breakdown of communication.

I agree with the idea of him doing his own washing ironing and cooking - expect him to live off junk food for a bit ! And for you both to agree a list of rules. So maybe you agree not to go in his room but all plates cups etc must be taken out everyday by him and cleaned.

Or if he goes out he obviously doesnt have a curfew (he's 18) but to be polite he should send you a text to say what time he will be home and if that changes let you know.

He sounds like a boy that is having to be in the big world quite a bit in the day and is regressing a bit when at home.

Mumsnetters don't half love the kick him out and at my age etc etc but I bet a lot of parents on here do a lot of this stuff still.

Why does he want to stay at 18? Weird.

I moved out at 18 for Uni. Never moved back. Big world out there for real (wo)men to grab the horns.

OP with the greatest respect it’s not about whether or not it’s ‘no bother’ for you to do his laundry, cooking etc. It’s about giving him the life skills and responsibility so that he enters the adult world fully prepared. How successful will his future relationships be if he treats his future partner like that?

My son is 13. I recently bought him his own laundry basket and showed him how to sort his clothes into lights, whites, darks etc and how to put a wash on. Cook simple meals. Use the tumble dryer, iron, make a bed etc etc.

X box is a privilege earned. I realise it’s a bit late now regarding the x box but if you pay for the wi fi STOP allowing him to use it.

STOP buying food and cooking it. Give him his £50 back and tell him as he’s so disrespectful to buy, prepare and cook his own food.

Turn the heating off in his room, He only gets to turn it on if he pays toward the bills.

You have completely enabled him and are continuing to do so. Come on, who’s in charge here?

I'd get rid of the xbox

I get he's being a brat - but he can't afford to live on apprentice wage.
Can you make a deal? No decorating just the window.
Tell him he needs to start helping with things or you will have to have a chat about if he is happy to keep on living in the family home. Then he can decide if he wants his apprenticeship or his own place because from my experience my apprentice wage (full time) would not have paid rent let alone bills and food

First of all you need to present him with a list of household expense gas/electric /council tax /water/food and insurance . So he knows how much house cost to run and that as an adult at 18 earning why is it still up to you to pay for him and he is not longer a child. You need to take at least £100
Ask him why he stays here if he id clearly unhappy
don't kick him out give him an ultimatum change off attudie or he has a month to find somewhere to live.
As for his room tell him it will be happening and again give him a date and if he doesn't move his stuff you will.
Remind him he is a working adult not a child anymore.

Hithere just sling your hook

I was paying £50 a month in the mid 1980s, out of less than £300 a month.

Get someone to move in while you are on holiday,i my case it was my grandmother but you can get people who house sit all the time.

I agree to a certain extent with Mycat he is being treated like a child at home.

Cost out what you could get if you rented out to a lodger and charge him that. Get the bills out, he will have no idea what you pay for gas and electricity and council tax. The same with food. Tell him he can pay a sensible contribution or find his own place.

Do not go into his room unless it is on fire, leave it to him to do the cleaning, tell him when the window is being done and wait until afterwards to talk about decorating.

Only do his laundry if it appears wherever laundry normally has to go, if he runs out of clothes tough.

Please tell us you are making alternative arrangements for the dog?

@mookinsx have you RRTT? He gets paid £1K p/m but pays only £50p/m to @Comeonsun

I do not think OP will come back. I think she got more of a shock when posters asked why she was enabling him.

I would put it down in writing what you don't like and what you want to change.

I would suggest 25% of his income is taken as rent as if he moves out he wouldn't be able to live. Also you could just save that for him as a away of helping him in later life.

As for the Xbox you need to establish a cut off each night and no shouting past 7 pm as antisocial.

I think that you should also suggest he will be on the sofa for a week while you redecorate and make sure the room is returned to how you want it - not what he wants

I think if you write it as a letter and suggest alternatives like moving out it may be more powerful that having a stand up argument. If he kicks off I would quietly remove all the cables for tv and Xbox and then can be returned at a later date. His behaviour is not adult like.

My kids are learning basic life skills from a young age. My house isn’t a hotel and everyone will be expected to contribute. I really hope your son doesn’t expect future partners to take care of him. Moving forward, stop cooking and cleaning for him. Give him weekly chores or he can use his wage to hire a cleaner. He can either join a cooking roster or be responsible for all his meals. Show him the real cost of living. Show him all bills and talk about his contribution.

Importantly, your daughter should be expected to help out too. She can learn important life skills and your son won’t feel hard done by

Firstly, DON"T decorate the room! You must be able to stand the decor/carpets for a bit longer.

Secondly, STOP running round after him. Next time he's in the kitchen tell him it's time he learnt how the washing machine and iron work and tell him as he's made it clear you're nothing more than a pain in the arse and a nuisance to him, it's time he lived independently that way you won't annoy him and he won't continue to take you for granted.

Thirdly, UP his rent. £50 a month when you earn £1k a month is a pittance! Especially if he contributes nothing towards food and bills. He's basically renting a room, having all food supplied, bills paid, washing done for £50 a month! Up it to at least £150 a month.

Lastly, WHEN he moans about all of the changes tell him it might be time to move out and rent with friends then!

Do you know what he's spending £950 a month on? I wish I had that going spare!

Bloody hell.
Charge him proper rent for starters. Of course he's going to kick off, behaving the way he has has got himself what he's wanted for years.
Stop doing his washing and ironing.
If he wants to live like a pig he moves out, if not he gets the wifi switched off until he's cleaned up after himself.
He's in training to treat his future partner like this..

I'm going to be honest and tbis isnt a popular view hefe but hes still young and although not beibg nice i dont personally thinks he's at the stage you need to kick him out. I'm sure they are people who get kicked out and do well but the people I know that got kicked out a very young age all struggled to get by. Their lives weren't great, one was depressed , struggled on benefits. One had other issues but his bedsit got used a lot for parties ECT he partied very hard, drugs ECT and he died. My really good friend at the time moved into terrible area again had loads of parties ( we stayed over a lot of the time) but lots of not very nice pair started to come she got robbed on more than one occasion , once at knife point, fights , her pet got stolen. I just thinks it's a hard existence and it's easy to get taken advantage of and your flat become a place people use especially if drink ECT involved.

Yes yes to the post from @pallisers several pages back

%How in god's name has he got to 18 without knowing how to use the dishwasher and washing machine my nine year old loads our dishwasher^

Teenage brain rot Hettie, you have it to come, it happens to the best of them. At 9 there was plenty my once exceptionally helpful now 16yo DD could & did do, that she has now "forgotten" 🙄

Can you invite someone to house sit ...
That way he can't have a party, and your dog will be looked after.

He needs to move out. Cut power to his room, remove WiFi access

I wonder how all these bratty kids would fare with no Bank of Mum and Dad to fund them. You are showing your DD it's acceptable to live with a bully and allow him to use her.

Put the dog in a kennel. Tell your son he has to go somewhere else for the holiday. Change the lock barrels.