Vindictive husband?

[MustBeMadness]

NC for this

Had a row with DH this morning. DD5 was acting up...he turned on me and blamed my lack of discipline with her. DD is a lovely, well-behaved child & I rarely need to correct her. So this morning was one of those rare times when she refused to cooperate when getting ready to leave.

I reacted by ranting back at him - not ideal, but my patience wasn't great (AF cramps, painkillers hadn't kicked in).
Anyway, following this row, I hung out the washing, did the school run and went to work.
I'd brought coffee from home - DH always brews a pot in the morning. This morning, my travel mug had already been filled, so I grabbed it as I left. Got to work and took a sip of coffee to realise my cup contained dirty cold water, instead of coffee.
He's never been vindictive towards me before - passive aggressive sometimes, but never anything that would cause me to mistrust him.
AIBU to treat this as a sign of something very wrong in our marriage? Or am I totally overreacting?

She said clearly that it was dirty water.

She said it looked orangey. Then she said her h said it was cold water. Not dirty water, not dish water...

What it was matters. People are jumping to conclusions.

RedSkyLastNight The child was acting up. OPs partner responded by having a go at OPs parenting. That is not a stressful argument caused by being rushed. That is making it clear that -

1. He expects the 5 year old to always be well behaved
2. He sees it as the OPs job to make sure the 5 year old is well behaved. Even though he is also the father, it is not his job to actually parent.

OP defended herself from him having a go. So he punishes her by putting dirty cold water in the cup.

This is about petty revenge because the OP did not fall into line.

If my DH ever did something like that I would feel that the trust had gone.
Trust and respect for each other are the foundations of a relationship.I wouldn't do something like that to anyone, let alone someone I was supposed to love.

red sky
Did you miss the bit in the op when she said he turned on her and blamed the child's behaviour on the OP's lack of discipline. Have you also completely missed the updates from the op

Sorry OP, what a nasty bastard.

You need cooling down aka teaching a lesson?!!

Horrible man

This sounds like the beginning of the end. I've had some awful arguements with dh but would never do something that nasty.

There's no way DW would have done that to me, and f she had I'd seriously be worrying about her mental health.

I'm obviously missing something.

If my DP done this to me I'd have called him a prick, vowed I'd get my revenge and then laughed whilst he was mildly concerned about whether I was going to get him back or not.

sinister - made my blood run cold .... yeah, not getting that vibe whatsoever.

Op does he have previous for this kind of shit? Underhand vindicative immature?

I doubt that op will ever trust her dh to prepare or cook anything ever again.

There will always be a tiny thought wondering what he had done to the food.

I think a bit of the trust you had in dh has gone

If it was soaking water wouldn't it have tasted of soap? I think huge difference between yuk water and pure cold water - if I was going to do such a thing in a hot headed moment (not these circumstances) I would make sure my beloved would be able to drink my 'coffee substitute' without it making them ill. This is spiteful and nasty.

Did he not apologise on the phone earlier? Or was that just to get you to come home for lunch? Id read that Lundy Bancroft book if you haven't already. He sounds horribly controlling, sorry

Op, you must be upset about your lunch meeting with your ‘d’h. Are you ok?

Honestly think people have lost the plot here.

Sure, it was annoying and childish behaviour but I don't find it remotely sinister, nasty or anything to warrant it being the 'beginning of the end'.

Unless there are other things that add to the backstory a lot of the replies are very melodramatic.

If you were one of those couples a couple of immature morons who think that "pranks" are funny and that it's normal to put custard in each other's slippers, etc... this would be different. But you're not. And he didn't do this to be funny. He did it out of spite. Because he knows you'd be looking forward to a nice coffee mid-morning and he's decided that this is therefore an appropriate way punish you. I think it reveals an unpleasant side to him that you possibly haven't seen before and that's why this is deeply unsettling behaviour.

Fuck all this blaming the PMT. I think PMT just gives us the go ahead to actually say what we are normally thinking, but usually we turn the other cheek.

1. He is pissed off with you for "talking back" (not taking your talking to like you normally do)
2. Punishes you by playing trick on you.
3. Gloats about it and lets you know again that you "need to cool off" (maybe next time he can send you to the naughty step to think about your actions)
4. Glosses over his nasty, controlling and abusive behaviour.
5. Doesn’t apologise and tells you to “have a lie down” (because you are clearly crazy and having an attack of the womanly vapours)

FUCK HIM

Okay, so I've texted him and asked what was in my coffee cup. He said 'cold water'. I asked why and he said I needed cooling down.

Deploy chute.

Your update makes him sound even worse.

Patronising and derogatory and gas-lighty.

You shouldn't be pissed off and are overcreacting; yeah I'm sure he'd be all chilled and happy and full of the joys of spring if he'd taken a big slug of not clean cold water this morning instead of the coffee he was looking forward to, cause his wife vindictively filled it with water following an argument.

It sounds like he is picking a fight, over and over again. He started the row this morning- you responded in kind. He deliberately gave you dirty water to drink, along with a pretty menacing message designed to make sure you do as you're told in future.

He then set you up for another row this afternoon, by asking you to come home and talk things through and then calling you crazy.

He's sending you strong messages here. Either he's controlling and is telling you that you're too uppity and had best start following orders, or he's got a hidden agenda to force the breakdown of communication in the relationship.

Keep it.

Plate up his dinner.

Pour the stuff (whatever it turns out to be) over it.

Even if he didn't realise the cup was dirty, and thought he'd given you cold water, it is a spiteful trick.

Would he be happy if you were then saying to him "oh give over, go and have a lie down, you're hysterical, you need your head checked" etc.

Well orangey water isn't just water is it?

I wouldnt even mention it to him, but I would run his tooth brush all over the toilet bowl and clean under the rim with it.

Here’s a test for you. Take a cup of milky coffee, empty it down the sink. Without rinsing the cup just fill it with cold water. Would the result be a cold, orangey, cloudy liquid tasting slightly of coffee?

Was it childish? Of course. Is he being a twat? Sure. Did he attempt to poison her with piss or dishwater? Doubt it.

OP is over-reacting to this incident but it does seem like there are some other problems to address.

I wonder how many people here have consumed food or drink that has been interfered with out of malice to teach them a lesson. I have and it really freaked me out at the time. I still shudder years later when I think about it. If that had been done by a partner it would have freaked me out even more.

Wow people are fuming over a cold very very weak coffee. Basically he didn’t clean her mug and filled it with cold water and people are practically dying about how horrible he is. Yeah ok well you have fun with that.